


Red Burning Wings

by Frantastic1993



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Humor, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Inappropriate Humor, Levi - Freeform, LevixOC - Freeform, Original Character(s), Original Character-centric, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, POV Original Character, POV Original Female Character, eventual Levi/Original Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-12 09:58:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 122,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4475054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frantastic1993/pseuds/Frantastic1993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robyn Sanshi: a smart-mouth rookie cadet with the scout regiment, battling both her temper and her past as she proves herself to her superiors. Especially the irritating Captain Levi, who continues to challenge her ability, and patience. She may be slightly mad, but in an insane world, perhaps that's what the regiment needs most.<br/>Rated M for swearing, violence & 'romantic' scenes (smut).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Concrete Boots

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there reader, thanks for looking into this piece. Please leave a review to let me know what you think, i'm always looking to learn and develop my writing. Thank you very much - Francesca
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan, and am simply having fun with creativity with the characters and such. Therefore this will not follow any other storyline other than my own. However I hope the characters are consistent with their portrayal in the show.

"Damn it."

I land on the nearest branch, ankle unhappy with the rushed landing. This is the third time in two days this damn gear has jammed up. The blades rattle as I pound the gear, trying to wake it up like before. But it's no use, damn thing is finally dead. Thankfully it's only training so there's no threat of imminent death; only the threat of Captain Levi ranting in my face, or smacking my jaw out of place, or flinging me off the tree. I hang my head back, I think I'd rather face a Titan right now Especially in this heat. At least the big brute would be easier to kill. I begin to wind up the wire that failed to recoil, the metal is hot but it needs to be out of the way once my fellow rookies finally catch up. Stupid gear – I might've made a new record today without its timely intervention.

The heat blazes down and I squirm, these damn straps are not made for women with any kind of bust. I shift them and try to allow breathing room, but my damn tits remain in the way. God damn, what I wouldn't give for a big pair of scissors. Snip, snip and freedom! Ugh… Stupid gear, you're keeping me from a cold shower. I gasp as a blade shifts out and catches my hand, but thankfully it only gives me a small gash instead of removing my thumb. Six months and I still feel like a rookie. What a damned joke.

"Son-of-a-bitch gear."

"Mind your mouth Cadet." And there he is, monotone voice rumbling up behind me. I didn't even hear the man land. Of course I didn't, he's a strange little ninja. I say 'little' but as I turn, I'm reminded he's still an inch taller than my midget self. "Jammed?"

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir." I salute, he nods but his grey eyes flash to my hand.

"Just get the damn gear fixed next time instead of beating it up. What did you do to your hand? Bad landing? Not your usual style."

"No, sir. Cut it on a loose blade while trying to um… well while trying to beat the sense back into my gear." He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, the rest of the team passes by, wooshing and zipping as they laugh and chatter. Slow pokes.

"Leave the brutality for the titans, cadet. You've only succeeded doing yourself unnecessary damage, idiot. Well the rest of the brats have finally caught up. Finally."

"Yes, sir."

"How's your tanks?"

"Almost full sir." I say with a proud little pat on them. His eyes narrow and he walks over to grab at my left tank, he shakes it and gives his little tutting noise.

"Tch. Thought you'd be running on fumes by now… Good work." I chance a smile and quick nod. "Get rid of that grin, you've still managed to jam the gear, brat. I'll signal for a new set. Wait here."

"Yes, sir."

He gives a nod and zips away. I feel the weight lift from me, talking to that man is terrifying. Walking on eggshells does not cover it, it was more like walking on land-mines with concrete shoes. A few minutes later Armin lands on the branch, a new set of gear in hand. He helps me out of the old gear and into the new, his eyes occasionally flicking back to my injured hand.

"Armin? I mean… Sergeant—"

"Really Robyn? It's always Armin to you, y'know that."

"Sorry." I groan wiping the sweat form my brow, the sun is relentless today. "The ceremony was so official, thought you might change your mind."

"Nah. I don't suit Sergeant, plus no one else says it without smirking."

"Prats…" I share a smile with him. "How's Eren?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Well he looked pretty upset, them not promoting him and all, just because of his ability. Stupid bureaucrats."

"And that's why it's always Armin." He cheeses. "He's fine, he knows it's only because they're afraid of him. But he knows most of the cadets aren't so that counts for a lot. He's just happy getting to be out there helping, he's not bothered about rank really…"

"Glad to hear it. Thanks for the gear Armin. I better get to the end of the track before Captain Levi sounds the finish bell."

Armin nods and heads off. I turn and look to see if anyone is still passing by before heading back, I don't want to set off them immediately collide with some idiot. I see a glint of silver between the trees as my foot leaves the branch. It's far off, but in the direction everyone was heading. Maybe someone else had a loose blade. I zip over, the glint becomes clearer and I see that it's a fellow rookie, out-cold and hanging from one wire. She's lucky the other wire hasn't broken free. She must've hit a branch or something. I quickly scoop her up and set her on a branch, fanning her face. Concussion mixed with heat stroke is not ideal, along with hanging upside down for however long. Slowly she begins to come round, mumbling away.

The finishing bell sounds off in the distance, echoing off the trees eerily, and making birds take flight. But I ignore it and continue to tend to my patient. Her name isn't occurring to me, I know the round face and mouse-brown hair, but the name remains elusive as I fan her face and check her gear is ok. I probably should make more of an effort to know my fellow cadets, but in the long run it seems pointless. All it would mean I could make a list as they get chomped, stomped or sliced. I bite down on my tongue, cheer up you fuckwit.

"W-What happened?"

"I dunno do I? I found you dangling over there."

"Mm?"

"How's your head? I'm not sure how long you were hanging upside down. No, no stay still. Pretty sure 90% of your blood rushed to your head…"

"But… the finishing bell."

"Let it ring."

"B-b—"

"I can't carry you all the way back, I don't have enough straps to fix you to me." I'm glad to see she decides to shut up. No point in mumbling about protocol when half zonked. "Let me signal and—"

"Slow doesn't cover this, shit display." I roll my eyes and feel the weight return, surely the man can see the girl lying there half dead? Then again we was quite short. "What the hell is going on? Didn't you hear the bell, brat?"

I turn to him and gesture at the drooling mumbler. His eyes take her in but return to me quickly, expression unchanged except for a slight raise of a brow. I give a quick salute and explain.

"I found her hanging upside down, sir. I dunno how long she was out for, or what happened but I can't carry her alone. I was about to signal, sir, but—"

"Do you have any water left? This idiot needs to be at least conscious for us to move her, or she'll flop around uselessly." I hand it over to him and he helps the girl sip it down. My throat pinches but know the girl needs it more. "Send up a green flare."

I send up the flair and watch it rise into the blue dome above us. What I wouldn't give for a cloud. The minutes slog by and I try to fan myself, and them, with my coat. Captain Levi seems glad of it as he rubs the back of his neck, slick with sweat as he tries to shield the girl from the sun.

"This brat seriously needs to wake up. Carrying will be a problem otherwise."

"I could tie her to me, you have a couple extra straps right? Combine them with mine and I can carry her like that."

"Cadet don't be an idiot. There's no way you'll manage that in this heat."

"Well sir, with all due respect, if we don't move soon we'll all be too spent to move, then everyone else will have to come help us. We might as well try it. If I can't make it I'll stop."

"See that you do." He straightens up and starts handing over his straps. "I don't want to have two useless brats taking up my afternoon."

"No, sir." I wait for him to hold her up so I can loop the straps into place, he then attaches her to my back and I cringe at the weight and heat of the girl's limp body. She's tiny, but on a day like this she might as well have been a ten metre Titan.

I don't wait for him to take the lead, I know where I'm going. My legs shudder as I make the first leap. My throat burns as the sun beats me, but the wind from flying helps, I feel it move under my red hair and smile as a bird tries to keep pace. Suddenly Captain Levi takes over, looking my way. I focus on the task ahead, the lack of distraction only making the girls weight seem to increase. I grunt but I know we're nearly there. I just need to get this girl to the infirmary and then I can have a long drink, take an ice cold shower and crash out on my bed. That's all I have to do. That's all I have to do.

"Gah." The girl slumps backwards and sends my balance with her. I manage to right us with a backflip but not without my neck getting a good dose of whiplash. I clench my jaw to avoid yelping. I'm not about to give the Captain the satisfaction. He zips a little closer, looking ahead all the while. As if that man could catch both me and mousey here.

"Sanshi stop."

"It's fine, sir. We're almost there." I say it through gritted teeth and he rolls his eyes. Finally we arrive at the compound and I land heavily. Medics unstrap the girl and take her away. One less job to do then. I lean on my knees, breath short as the pressure is suddenly relieved from my back and ribs. I then get up and begin to head for the main building.

"Got somewhere to be Sanshi?" He challenges as he takes off his gear. My skin drips with sweat as my head swims a little, but my pride bolsters up. I stand up straight and salute.

"No, sir."

He takes his time, of course, and finally meanders over to me, about three and a half of him in view.

"Tomorrow morning you'll meet me here, to teach your fellow brats how to use their gear." I nod. "If even half of them can be as efficient with their gas, supply won't be as much of an issue whilst out on patrol. That's all cadet, now go shower, you look disgusting."

"Yes, sir." And I walk off, giving a small stumble despite my efforts. There's a snigger behind me but I decide that it must've been a bird. I don't have the energy to slap that man. Then again it probably hadn't been him, there were several other recruits hanging around after all.

Armin sees me trudge past, I see his little head spin round and then footsteps follow me up the stairs.

"Finally Robyn, I was worried your gear had given out again."

"No, just helping out… ugh… the little… brown haired girl…" I hold the wall as the world surges in the heat, and Armin's hand lands on my shoulder. "Sorry Armin, I just need a drink and a shower."

"Well I can help you up the stairs at least, c'mon, I heard you'd helped Sandra."

"Yeah… Poor girl must've smashed into a branch."

"She's lucky you spotted her. Well done on carrying her though, you call her little but you're shorter than her I think." He laughs, and I can't help but join in. "Well you're not too tired to smile, that's something. Here we are. Just relax okay? It's off-time for your division this afternoon anyway."

I pat his shoulder and nod, unable to make my thick tongue move before going to my room. I put my water pitcher to my lips and gulp greedily, letting the liquid spill over the sides and down my front. The cold spreads out from my throat and I shudder, letting the pitcher fall to the floor. I take off my braces and remaining gear, till only my drenched trousers and shirt remain. I feel like a sausage, shoved into a synthetic casing. Ew. I look down at my sopping clothing and realise that Captain Levi was completely correct; I look disgusting. Then again training wasn't a beauty contest. Thankfully.

I head for the showers and get the water going, steam starts to fill the room and I climb in, drawing the curtain across and sighing as the warm water hits me. Just off cold. I gradually turn the water to ice and sink to the floor. There's soap down here and I lazily wash my sticky skin and hair till it squeaks with cleanliness. I feel exhaustion tug at my mind as I recall the training. What if I had faltered? I imagine the Captain trying to hold both me and mousey and zip along. I throw back my head and laugh, the image only made funnier as exhaustion pulling on my nerves. This had been a long day.

"Cut out that damn noise, brat."

I put my head against the wall, eyes rolling. It was a communal shower room, there was no reason for him not to be there, and yet I really wished he'd bugger off and leave me alone.

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

The curtain in the next cubicle over is drawn and closed again and I allow the temperature of my shower to rise a little, no need to give myself pneumonia. Only the hissing water can be heard and I let myself curl up into a ball beneath the waterfall, sleep threatens but I just focus on the massaging droplets.

"I saw Artlet help you up the stairs. Did I ask too much of you?" The smirk oozed through his voice. I dig my nails into the bar of soap and imagine it's his skull. "Cadet? Answer me."

"No, sir, I'm good. Thank you for the concern—"

"You assume a lot."

"I just had cramp in my leg, sir. This morning was nothing I couldn't handle. Was my performance lacking, sir?"

"Tch, why is it you always assume criticism?"

"I assume everyone has criticism, sir. Easiest assumption to make."

"Decent outlook." I wait, sensing there's more coming after the compliment. "Although you were an inexcusable idiot." Ding, ding, ding.

"Of course sir," I sit up, smoothing down the dents in the soap. "What particular instance of stupidity are you referring to?"

"Don't be a smart-ass." I say quiet, biting back my retort. "It was clear in the compound that you were dehydrated, to the point of delirium. You could barely walk straight."

"Yes, sir."

"Had we been out in the field that could have been fatal. Both to you and your team."

"Sir, Sandra needed the water more than—"

"Heroism isn't required of you brat, killing titans and surviving is."

"Permission to speak freely sir?" I can't help but talk through clenched teeth.

"Keep the swearing to a minimum… permission granted."

"This is all contextual. Sandra wouldn't have only had me or you to help her in the field, and had she been swinging on her own like that as long as she was, she'd be dead, and therefore not an issue. Ergo, my 'heroism' wouldn't apply in the field. However knowing how far it was to the compound, and knowing I could make it, made the choice simple, and not endangering." I spout all this whilst hitting my head off the tiles, turning the water back to ice as my temper flares. I helped a fellow officer, and I even technically helped this prick, and yet he was giving me shit for it. I focused on the cold of the water. I had to keep a lid on my temper. A prat though he was, he still out-ranked me and would easily beat the living shit out of me. Although I look to the shower head above me, wondering if it'd fit down his throat.

"You still put yourself at risk without reason. Next time inform me of your issue. It'll just be me that gets shit from the Commander."

"So I can be another useless rookie?" I say pulling back my curtain and wrapping my towel round myself. I was going to sit there and let the water drown out my exhaustion, but the weight of having to manoeuvre round the Captain's words was just too tiring. Although it then occurs to me that my tone was rather lacking. I cringe and try to sneak out before he gets out his shower. Please let me escape, please?

"Cadet."

Fuckery.

I stop and turn, internally wincing at the slap that is presumably about to send me into the next week. He tucks his towel into place and walks towards me. I can't deny he's more muscular than I thought, that uniform doesn't do him any favours. Weird little ninja midget.

"It's my duty to ensure your safety, don't make my job any harder than it needs to be."

I give the slightest of nods and leave, hoping I'd managed to keep most of the contempt from my face. So now I was just giving him more of a workload? My training was clearly going swimmingly. I lock my bedroom door and sit down at my desk, my mirror is smudged as I look at the bags under my eyes. Maybe Keza had been right? I touch the red ribbon that drapes over the mirror and give a weak smile. Nah, she was a daft bitch. I could do this. I would do this.


	2. Burning Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, simply enjoying using the characters and seeing where my own creativity takes things. I hope you're enjoying, please leave a review if you have time, always eager to see what works/what doesn't!

The next morning I rise early and head downstairs to have breakfast. Apart from the cook I'm alone until Eren walks in, rubbing his eyes. He grabs some food and coffee and heads over to sit opposite me, the usual sleepy smile greets me and he gnaws at his bread, green eyes half closed. How could anyone think of him as our enemy? I get the whole terrifying Titan form thing, and the fact he could kill us all inside of ten minutes, but those big green eyes and that smile. How could evil be behind that? Admittedly the smile was sometimes rare, but it was still there on occasion. I'd lost count how many times I'd slapped a fellow rookie on the back of the head for mouthing off about the man. For god's sake he helped reclaim Trost, first human victory since the Titans appeared. I couldn't help but despair at the mind-set of some of my fellow recruits.

"Morning, you don't look like you had the best night's sleep ever." I say as he interrupts his chewing with another yawn. He frowns and shakes his head.

"Nah, I didn't. But then again do any of us sleep well anymore?"

"Good point." I sip my coffee, my own nightmares echoing in my memory. I wonder how many nightmares we all shared in this building. But we all had our own personal ones. Sometimes horror came before the battlefield. Eren gives a wave and I jump a little. I need to stop zoning out.

"You all right there?"

"Sorry, coffee hasn't kicked in yet. What were you saying?"

"I heard about Sandra, how's she doing?"

"She's fine, sore from being flung about the place, but she'll be fine."

"And you? Armin seemed worried about you." He then groans and bites his lip as he realises from my expression that he shouldn't have let slip about the blonde gossip. I sigh and wave a hand, though my neck gives a twinge and I rub it stubbornly.

"I'm fine, I just didn't keep myself hydrated like a moron. But I clearly did something right, Captain Levi has asked me to teach my fellow rookies how to use the gear efficiently…" He notices my tone and I shrug, "This was before he called me out for being an idiot of course."

"Of course. Well done on the teaching though, that's gotta feel good."

"Not really, they'll either not listen, or hate me when my method works. Swot of the class is never the most popular. Still... I can always come sit with you and Armin and Mikasa right?" Hope slides into my voice, and he grins, green eyes creasing.

"Duh. We're always happy to have you. Mikasa is thrilled to have another girl who can keep up with her, Armin's fascinated by you, Jean wants to… get to know you… and I just generally like your company." He grins down at his plate. "And you're one of the few people that didn't need convincing that I wouldn't rip you apart in your sleep."

"I reckon I could take you."

"I don't doubt it. You're fucking terrifying."

We laugh together and gradually others begin to file in for breakfast. All tired, but all happy to see another sunny and thus far peaceful day for training. My fellow rookies begin to arrive and all glance my way as I sit amongst Eren and Armin, with Mikasa chatting away. I wave but receive nothing back, they all seem very unimpressed. Not that I want them to be impressed, but still, very unimpressed. Children.

After breakfast I head out to the compound and Eren pats my back as we go separate ways.

"Don't be too hard on them rookies eh Robyn?"

"Me? Hard?" I gasp with wide eyes, a hand to my mouth. "What a terrible thing to say Eren!"

He just laughs and jogs after Mikasa who has already headed off, shaking her head at us.

I go to the training area and stand before the start line of the tree course; my fellow rookies stand with expectant faces. Expecting failure. As soon as Captain Levi turns up though they suddenly all stand to attention, shit scared. I turn and salute as well, noticing his side-line glance my way and hint of a smirk. He's going to enjoy this. I wonder if he's hoping I'll fail, maybe he's just bored and fancies a show?

"Okay Brats, today cadet Sanshi is going to teach you how to make a run without completely wasting your tanks. Yesterday she was miles ahead of all of you and barely used her tanks. Got a problem with her teaching? Congrats, I don't give a shit." He then looked to me with his heavy lidded eyes and nodded. "Sanshi."

I took my stance in front of them all and went through my explanation, they had seen me in action enough times to not need a demonstration but the theory was easy enough to go through. I began to round off when the smirks and side-glances began to echo through the group. I knew Captain Levi wouldn't intervene, he was enjoying testing me.

"So yeah, basically use your weight rather than your tanks to gain speed, use momentum with up and down movements. Gas should only be used to quickly change direction really."

"So it's her head she leads with I guess." I wasn't sure where the very loud whisper came from but the laughter that followed took the whole group. Captain Levi was stood against a post, watching without expression.

"Actually no." I smile at the unforgiving sneers of my moronic peers. "No I don't lead with my over-inflated head, as the name would suggest, that's just hot-air. No, I lead with my ass," Several blushes bloom over the male faces and grimaces take over the female. "Yup, use the junk in your trunks people. It's all in the hips." I stand and swing my hips around.

"Show off."

"But don't worry, if you're a skinny little waste-of-space just use your self-importance to get the momentum going. Should send you fucking flying." And now the laughter is with me, not at me. Job done. I knew they'd resent me for having the favour of the higher-ups, but at least this shows them I'm not about to back-down from their challenges. Bunch of useless children.

Captain Levi then sends them out in groups to be timed. He then turns to lead me towards the main hall. His hand is tight on my elbow and I sense another scolding coming along. What did I do this time? Maybe he wasn't pleased with my ass-talk. Or dancing… shit.

"Captain Levi shouldn't I be—"

"Practising a method you've already perfected? No, idiot."

"Sorry, sir."

"I figured, if you did well, I'd let you have the cushy job Armin was assigned. Plus he'll need back up, kid looks like a fucking woman half the time."

"So I did well?"

"You didn't do too shit, no." He smirks a fraction, "It's all in the hips."

"Yeah… sorry… I had to improvise. So, sir, what is it I'm helping Armin with?"

"In order to help maintaining the districts and the regiments, the council are putting all convicts to work. We have a batch coming in. You, and Artlet will be assigning those in the mess hall. Find out if any of them are any good at cooking, cleaning etc. and put them to it."

"I feel like you should look into the cleaners…" He gives me a cold look. "Just a suggestion. But are we talking petty thieves or…"

"From muggers to murderers."

"Just who you want making the porridge."

"Not your call, brat. They're just taking up spaces and resources whilst rotting in jail. We have the man power to contain them, and the weapons to dispose of them should they cause trouble. They know this." Levi gives me a shove towards the door, finally releasing my elbow from has vice-like grip. Damn he was strong, I can already feel a bruise bubbling to the surface. Why did he have to hold so damned tight? Maybe he thought I'd get spooked by convicts. Seems strange considering I've solo killed 13 Titans, but every person has their weak points. He didn't have time for mine.

"Can't argue with that—" the words die in my throat, guttering to a halt as I freeze in the door frame. You must be fucking joking… this was just a sick joke that I stumbled onto right? I think Captain Levi is trying to get my attention but it's pointless. The world has turned to darkness except for one person stood in line with the other convicts. Just standing there, like nothing's wrong. He's thin now, but the straggly beards is still there and the greasy hair is still thinning on top and down to his hunched shoulders. He's pale. He looks ill. And yet I know he's still dangerous. He cannot be here, not now, not when I've been trained to kill so efficiently. It's too simple. It has to be a fucking joke.

"Dammit cadet Sanshi, talk to me." The words burst into my world as I'm pinned against the wall, Captain Levi's silver eyes glinting as his forearm presses against my throat. His entire body is crushing me against the stonework, restraining me despite the fact I'm not resisting. Only it's not the wall, it's the floor, and I'm not by the door anymore I'm over where the line of convicts is. Or was. Now there's only a few stragglers staring down in disbelief, and a few spattering's of blood. I had no weapon though; my fingers are sticky, nails caked in something spongy and I feel something dribble from the corner of my slick mouth. I look into Captain Levi's eyes and he leans back slightly. "Robyn? Can you hear me?"

I look away from him. The bedraggled faces of convicts look down, eyes wide as though looking a Titan in the face. A couple familiar faces loom here and there, keeping their distance as the dust settles. Finally Eren and Armin appear, faces distraught as they are held back by Jean and Connie. And finally his face comes back into view, the straggly beard's half gone now though, red flesh exposed beneath. The lank hair lays strewn on the stone floor matted in what I hope is his own blood whilst bruising blossoms over his already sunken cheekbone and slightly bent nose. His neck has deep gashes in it and I feel my hands twitch in memory of his soft flesh tearing underneath their clawing. My mouth tingles as I look at the chunk taken from his ear and I feel a warm sensation as a small dose of justice has been served. I give a small chuckle, look to the silver gimlets of my Captain before my eyes rolls back and darkness takes me.

"I don't know what happened Erwin. I already said that."

The captain's voice swims into my ear through a fog. I can feel my heavy eyelids and want to open them, but curiosity and caution sit on my tongue and tells me to remain still. Leather straps are round my wrists, so I'm not considered as dangerous as Eren, but dangerous enough to need slowing down. So much for keeping a lid on my temper. What a fucking mess I've landed myself in now. And the Commander was in my room? I assume it's my room, doesn't smell like the hospital.

"Well Lance how does a rookie cadet get away from you, across the mess hall and half kill a man before you manage to stop her."

"She's fucking fast." The Captain growls and I hold onto the sheets, oh fuck. I'd both lost my shit, totally ignored whatever he'd been saying at the time, and hurt his pride by outrunning him? The world could only do me the favour of swallowing me whole, just crush me into the dirt and suffocate me. It sounds like a better option than facing the fury of my Captain.

My mind flits back to all the stories I'd heard about him and I turn cold. The brutality, the mercilessness. I remember on my fourth night here, after having the Captain bellow at me for not doing my straps up correctly, it was a simple mistake but he must've called me everything connoted with useless. It had been difficult, but I'd fought back the bitter tears. It had taken so long to get to the scouts, and it felt like I'd been thrashed back to day one of basic training. Eren tried to comfort me, but as I continued to wallow he sighed and told me how much worse it could have been. He told me the story. I cringe at the memory of how his eyes glazed over, reliving the onslaught of the Captain's boot in the courtroom. It felt like I'd been there, it felt like I was bound to that pole, my insides being turned to pulp.

I think I'll keep my eyes closed forever. Then again, I doubt his patience would hold up, he'd probably just throttle me in my sleep. Fuck. Escape plans were usually my forte, but right now I was like a bug hitting against a pane of glass dumbly. The conversation between the two men continued.

"Plus she's hardly a rookie. Been here six months and already outdoes half the regiment entirely, let alone those other shitty brats. That brat Mikasa won't shut up about it, and she never says a fucking word."

"Whatever Sanshi's rank, she was your responsibility."

"I've said my apologies. I didn't expect her to go fucking bezerk."

"Do we know her reasons?"

"Not yet. She passed out before I could ask anything."

"See that you find out. She's a fine soldier, but this is serious."

"He is a convict Erwin, hardly a victim."

"With his jugular vein almost torn clean out Lance, yes, he is a victim. Stay here and find out what you can. I have to see what the medics have managed to do for him."

The door closes and there's a heavy sigh from Captain Levi. Better than a growl I guess? The floorboards creak as he walks towards my head. I make sure my tongue isn't between my teeth before the deluge begins. But then it sounds like he sits down. Seems like an impractical position to hit me. A few moments of silence slide by before I feel a hand brush hair from my face and a finger run along my jawline. The hell?

"Why the fuck did you do it Robyn?" I couldn't think when he'd ever called me by my first name before, only now and… well when I was pinned beneath him after going rogue. Well this was definitively disturbing. "Who the hell is this guy that sent you so over the edge…"

I give in. He won't wait forever, and at least I can brace properly if I can see where's going to attack. I open my eyes and take a stale breath. Ew. I must've been out a day or so without drinking anything. Captain Levi remains still, sat straight against his chair, legs crossed nonchalantly as usual. I can sense his gaze as I look around the blurred shape of my quarters. As my vision clears I get the courage to look at him properly. He stares back blankly. I slowly sit up, but my head spins and I lay back down, he reaches out to the pitcher of water and pours me a glass. I carefully sip it, careful not to meet his eye. Looking down the barrel of a gun was never a nice concept.

The silence is tense but I can't bring myself to break it. I hope he can't tell but I'm quivering, I try and tense myself against it, but on it goes. Pathetic really. I know he won't say anything, he wants answers, and he knows he'll get them one way or the other. I can't decide whether to lie or admit the truth. But my befuddled brain refuses to give me a decent lie to tell, nothing would really justify what I did. I'm not sure the truth does. But I can't tell him the truth. Can I?

Shit he's still waiting, the expression is blank but I can sense his impatience, a twitch occurs in his foot. It's just itching for something to kick.

I hand back the cup and accept that I have to tell him. Shit. This was never meant to be out in the open. And then I realise that perhaps I don't need the whole truth. I flinch a little, my body aching, how hard had he had to hit me? This explanation couldn't sound like an excuse though, that'd only enrage him. Fuck, what was I going to do? Again the foot twitches. I look up and feel another shudder as I meet his relentless gaze. Give me a Titan any day.

"He…" I wince and force myself to grow a spine. You did the deed, now explain dammit. "He was my father."

"You didn't manage to kill him, brat. Past tense isn't needed."

"Doesn't change the fact he was my father, past tense applied since I was eight…" I blush and grip the sheets. Control it you fuckwit. He waits and I fight my temper as it slowly burns in my chest. "I'm sorry Captain Levi, to have caused you issue, but I'm not sorry for what I did."

"Apology appreciated." He sips his coffee. When the hell did he get that? "Father. Hmm… well shit. Daddy issues. How original."

"One in a million, that's me."

"Didn't expect father…"

"I managed to surprise you? My, my, I feel so giddy." I choke after the words leave my mouth. What the hell was I doing? He slaps the back of my head and I nod, yeah I deserved that.

"What did he do?"

I purse my lips. This was not meant to come to light. This was not meant to be how I was defined as a soldier. My personal nightmares didn't matter on the battlefield so why did they matter in training? I try to think of a lie. But once again my brain just yawns and rolls over, lazy bastard.

"Cadet, answer me."

"Sir. He… he deserved it."

"Not your call really. What did he do, don't make me ask again."

"Please don't make me answer." I whisper with closed eyes, bracing for another slap for insubordination. Silence rules as my heart thrums in my ears.

"Tch. Fine brat, keep your secrets for now. But it won't be long before you have to spill it. Commander Erwin is hardly willing to let this slide. Nor am I." He adds with a narrowing of his eyes, which somehow is possible. I nod, the quivering begins to die down a little. I think.

For obvious reasons, I'm confined to my quarters. Not that I'd have been able to go wandering anyway. And certainly not on another rampage, as they suspect I might. For the remainder of the day I gradually manage to sit up, everything hurts though. Every time I flinch I grit my teeth a little harder. The prick had really done a number on my ribs. His eyes remain stoic as he watches me, eyes only occasionally flashing up from his book.

"I'm guessing this all over bruising is your handiwork, sir?"

"You were like a feral animal, I had to do something."

"Oh I'm not blaming you, God no." again he looks at me. "I just wondered if he had fought back at all." I laugh but of course the Captain doesn't join in. In fact a crease appears between his brows and he snaps his book shut. Oh good, what had I said wrong now?

"You don't remember?"

"Well…" I realise how bad that sounds now. "I remember walking to the hall, and I remember seeing that bast- man stood in the line… but then… Then I'm pinned beneath you with your voice ringing in my ears. Just before I passed out."

"That's a lot of rage." He puts his book on the window sill. "Your f- what's his name?"

"Vincent." It tastes disgusting on my tongue.

"Vincent barely saw you coming. You had him to the floor and started clawing out his throat and biting half his ear off before he even yelled out."

"He yelled?"

"Obviously, brat." He looks out the window and frowns. "Even I barely saw you move till you were over there and blood was messing up my floor."

"Sorry, blood's a bugger to clean."

"I know." He shoots me a look and I look down at my lap. "Cadet Sanshi, I've only ever seen that kind of rage in one other person."

"I'm not a Titan, sir." I catch a glimpse of a double-take. "Eren has a similar rage to mine yes, but that isn't why he's a Titan shifter. Trust me, I've tried. So don't worry, no big booms here, just tired and stupid me." I lay my head back against the headboard and close my eyes. There's a sliding noise as he takes up his book again.

"Sorry for the suspicion."

"No need to apologise, perfectly logical. Plus it's not something I find offensive. Eren's actually a help to humanity. Anyone treating him like a threat should try and remember that more often. Seems crazy that mediocre soldiers like me get praised for swinging through trees quickly, and yet he is looked at like he's an animal. A fucking monkey can swing through trees. Or at least I read that they could."

"Commander Erwin has to keep in mind the safety of his regiment." I nod; I know all this, but my frustration can't help but surface. I can feel him staring at me but I keep my eyes closed.

"I know, sorry sir, it's more my fellow rookies. The things they say…"

"Jeager can handle it."

"But he shouldn't have to."

I'm so tired. I take a deep breath but flinch as my ribs flare up, clearly that was too greedy of me. I try to take another breath, smaller this time, but my ribs are not happy with me. I cringe against the pain and hate that I'm showing it, fuck this is pathetic.

"Sorry, sir. I just… gah." I slam back into the headboard and try to hug my ribs, shuddering all over as the leather straps stop me from doing so. Teeth bared as I fight against a scream, it half escapes as a strained groan. Tears have begun to fall haven't they? I feel them trickle down and I wish I'd just disappear. This was shameful.

"Shit, how hard did I hit you?" I feel his cold hands on my shoulders but I can't open my eyes, red pain floods my body and try to stop writhing as it only makes it worse. "Cadet, stop thrashing around like an idiot. Calm down."

"S-sorry." The word slips out my mouth, slurring as the pain begins to subside and my consciousness begins to fade. "S-s…sorry."

"Stop apologising you idiot."

When I open my eyes the sun has set and the Captain is at my desk doing paperwork. I sit up slowly and give a small wave when his eyes are cast my way. There's an echo of the pain in my ribs but it's nothing like it was. I look down at my wrists, the straps are gone. I look back at the Captain, I guess he decided I didn't need them. Red bands run round my thin wrists and they burn a little, clearly I was fighting against them harder than I thought. I lie there and assess the damage. But it's hard to determine what each part is, it's just a wave of pain with each breath. Well, damn. But lying here isn't helping, it's just frustrating me. I slowly shift and begin to swing my legs out.

"What're you doing, brat?" He's up and standing there looking down with that same lacking expression. "You're a cripple right now. Lie down."

"I-I need a shower, I always feel better after a shower." My vice is crackling again but he understands, he rolls his eyes as my legs wobble beneath me. Begrudgingly he puts my arm round his shoulder and helps me through.

"Just take it slow brat, you're fucking heavy."

"Thanks, sir." I make my legs take more weight and I hear him sigh. "Well don't moan about me trying to help. I'm not an invalid."

"Right now that's exactly what you are." I fight the blush, I hate this weakness. Then again it was him who beat me into this feckless mess. After I went mental. We were each to blame I guess. I fight a snigger, no, this was on me. I was lucky he hadn't just snapped my neck, would've saved time, effort and patience.

The tiles nip at my bare toes and the bench is harsh against my legs. My bare legs. I gasp and look down whilst the Captain turns on the water. I'm wearing only a shirt, which barely covers my underwear. Well shit, dignity took a holiday clearly.

"I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't… I didn't realise… shit…" I reach out for a towel but my rib gives a snarl and I let my arm drop with a flinch. "Shit."

The Captain goes over and grabs a large bath towel, holds it up and looks away, face continuously unresponsive.

"Just calm it. You're just going to do yourself another damned injury. I've seen a woman's legs before. Don't flatter yourself."

"I wasn't."

I stand up and turn away, taking off what little clothing I do have on before taking the towel and carefully wrapping it round myself so I could head into the cubicle. The water hits me and I sigh as the heat unwinds my muscles, the tension leaves me like my breath and I lay my forehead against the icy tiling. It felt amazing. Even the pain seems to be washing away a little. I turn up the heat so the water becomes like lava.

"Thank you, sir. I feel human again…"

"Brat turn the temperature down on that water before you boil yourself alive." I do as told and wait for the verbal scolding to continue. Captain Levi walks towards my cubicle and I wonder if he'll actually have the gall to pull back the curtain. His shadow lingers outside for a few seconds before he stands to the side and seems to lean against the sinks. "And you're welcome."

I begin to soap myself, wondering if I'm imagining the weirdness to the silence as the water drums against the tiling and me. Was I taking too long? There's a tut from him before a long draw of breath and eventual sigh.

"Well this sounds like it'll be good news." I say as I lather up my hair.

"He's dead."

"S-sorry?"

"He died whilst you slept."

Bubbles slide off me and the water dribbles into my eyes as they stare blindly ahead. He's dead. Vincent is finally dead. It begins slowly, a mere gurgle deep down in my throat. Then it rises up, rumbling as it climbs up and out. I howl with laughter. I can't stop. My entire body is wracked with convulsions as euphoria envelops me. I did it. I ripped away his life like he did mine. It took thirteen damned years, but finally it was done.

"Control yourself brat. This means its murder." I can only imagine the fury in his face as he listens to my relentless chortling. He must think I'm mad. I gasp for air and look at my shaking hands, they're clean, they're finally clean.

"The bastards dead?"

"That's what I said."

"I finally did it. I kept my fucking promise at long last."

"Didn't you hear me? Murder! That's fucking serious ca—"

"Then hang me." I giggle. "Shoot me. Feed me to a fucking Titan for all I care…" the laughter pours out of me along with tears. So this was how it felt to be free?

"Don't you start that Cadet." I continue to gasp at the hot air and feel my head swim, a shadow has lifted from my shoulders and I find it hard to balance myself against the weightlessness. Keza would never believe it. My mother was finally avenged. But then the laughter slips away and the aches return, my injuries are still there and I crumple to the floor in a heap, groaning as the euphoria abandons me to agony. A short lived celebration it was then.

"Sanshi?" The suddenly silence would be unnerving to anyone. But I can't answer. I can't even breathe. "Cadet answer me."

I hold out my hand, clawing under the curtain, unable to catch a breath to answer him.

"Shit." He hisses.

His hand reaches in and grabs the towel, flings it over me and turns off the water. He tugs back the curtain and tries to sit me up. He can see I'm in pain but scoops me up effortlessly and out of the wet shower bowl. So much for me being heavy; lying prick. Another towel is wrapped round me and he sets me down on the bench, allowing me to lay down as I wait for the pain to subside. I don't know how long the quiet lasts, but finally I can stop cringing and let myself relax against the long bench.

"You're a fucking mess cadet." I look down at myself and frown, I'm perfectly clean? "I meant in the head, idiot."

"Ah, yes, sir. Sorry." I mumble with a nod. He leans against the wall by the bench, eyes watching me as I peer up at him sheepishly.

"What was the promise?" He asks, watching me closely.

"Sir?" I'm dumbfounded. Why does he care?

"When you were… laughing… you mentioned a promise?"

"I-I promised my mother I'd kill him for hurting her." I say, remembering the flames as they rose from the husk of my childhood home, my bitter words following the embers up to the sky. He nods and sets his jaw. Slowly he was getting his answers.

"What did he do cadet? The answer needs to come out at some point. Bite the bullet."

I sigh. There wasn't much point in prolonging it.

"Yes, sir. H-he—" I clench my fists and punch the bench. He waits. "It was my eighth birthday, sir. He made me watch as he murdered my mother and little brother. Sliced them up and made me watch. Then he tried to kill me by burning our house down."

I stare ahead blankly, unable to blink as the memory replays once again. His face as he leers over them knife against their throats before slowly opening them up, pouring red wine from their veins as he rambles on at me. How he took me by the throat, threw me into the basement and locked the door. Had I been any bigger I'd have failed to squeeze out the small window.

I can feel the silver stare but still can't look at it.

"Isn't it strange, sir? So many good soldiers have died, whilst a scumbag like that remained breathing."

"Why didn't he get the death sentence?"

"He had a lot of cash…" I groan and put a hand over my eyes, "I am sorry, sir."

"I know you never meant to cause anyone else harm, Cadet. I'm not an idiot. That's been an issue raised in almost all your assessments."

"Not following, sir."

"You're an idiot who only looks to her own needs after every other person thinkable has been attended to." I feel a blush come to my cheeks, I tug the towel tighter to my face. "It's ridiculous and irritating. And now you have finally let yourself be attended to, and it's for bloodthirsty revenge."

"Whoops?"

His eyes flash down at me. "I knew I liked you, brat."

He helps me back through to my room once I can stand. All the while explaining how he doubts Erwin will want to take action against me once the details are explained. And then he confirms that they need to be. I hate that this secret will now be hovering over me, but then again, the murder will do. Everyone would be horrified. Whilst I felt like dancing on the tables. Carefully. He flattens my blanket and leans against the window sill, shooting me a look.

"Don't get used to this brat."

"Couldn't even if I wanted to." I smirk. "Why are you being so nice?"

"I'd prefer to keep you sane instead of abandoning you to your obvious madness."

"Sorry, the laughter got a bit out of hand."

"I can see that. You look pathetic." I flinch, such kindness was hard to deal with. "At least you're consistent. You laughed after attacking him, so it only makes sense for you to laugh now."

"Consistently mad. Super." I chuckle a little. "I just can't believe I finally managed it. Although I suppose this means my current career choice is at an end?"

"Not necessarily." I watch his mind work as the grey eyes stare forward at the opposite wall. "You've certainly shown you have a killer instinct, and your record pretty much speaks for itself. I think once Erwin tells the higher-ups about the circumstances, they'll be lenient."

"Thank you."

"Plus you're as insignificant as they come."

"Always helps."

"You'll probably be put in our custody. Shit… we're becoming some kind of rehabilitation centre for the pyscho brats of Shaganshi. Don't think that means you've got away with it."

"No, sir."

"I'll have the authority to lock you up or kick the shit out of you at any opportunity. Keep that in mind next time you feel like losing it."

"If you can catch me."

"Don't push your luck, brat." I sigh as everything dulls to mere ache once again.

"I think I can live with that yeah… shit… he's actually dead isn't he sir?"

"Well he's not pretending."

"That's gonna take some time to sink in."

"Then take the time." He looks to the door. "And get a hold of yourself, I only need one outright maniac in my team and shitty glasses is filling that role. She's fucking overflowing it."

"Don't worry, sir. There's plenty rookies that I can shift away into, dilute the crazy."

"Hints don't work well on you." He says and I sit up a little, a bit of my strength returning. His eyes flash to the movement but then return to study the other wall.

"You mean…? Hang on but I'm just a rookie, I can't—"

"Is that a no? I can understand, survival rates are not great on my team." There's no shift in tone but I see the way his eyes tighten.

I had only joined about a week after the first Female Titan attack, so never got to know Petra, or anyone else from his team. But from what Eren had told me they were great people. They just had their numbers called. I sit up straight, giving a small whine as I do so, he remains still and waits for me to be upright before glancing my way. I get my arm out from under my blanket and hold it over my heart, red hair in wet disarray across my face still.

"Sir, I accept this honour with appropriate gratitude and respect."

He nods and straightens up, brushing himself down. He gathers up his paperwork and head for the door. He doesn't speak another word, just nods before closing the door. I lay my head on the pillow, the pain having dulled to little more than a memory as I am filled with a new warmth. This is an exciting new adventure and I'm sure to learn a vast amount with him as the head of my team, but really I'm just proud to have been chosen. It then occurs to me that Erwin may have some issue with this, and then I remember who he'll be having issue with. I smile as I consider the argument that would play out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I've been doing drawings for this fic, and there's one for this chapter also. If you're interested
> 
> Deviant Art id: Frantastic1993 "Dammit talk to me" (i tried pasting the URL but it kept going weird)
> 
> Thanks, Fran


	3. Bets Settled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT but am an avid fan of it. This is just me having fun, and hopefully giving you some enjoyment too. Leave a review and let me know how it's going if you have the time, always want to know what works or what doesn't. Thanks for reading!

There were many arguments, but none were held in front of me. I think that's what bothered me most. Erwin didn't even respect me enough to argue about my future with me in the same damn room. However I wasn't being charged with anything, the higher-ups had looked at my record, heard the reasoning behind the attack and let it go. It seemed too easy, but that was all the explanation the Captain was going to give me. He'd been his version of kind whilst I was recovering, but that soon ended when I was healed. It may have been my imagination but I was sure he was pushing me harder than the others in the team whilst training, maybe he wanted to make sure I had a lid on my temper. I hoped I did.

It was a secret what happened between me and the convict. So naturally everyone found out. There were whispers and looks all around me when I first returned to the mess hall. But I held my head high and went to sit with Eren etc. and they all greeted me like nothing had changed. Whilst we ate there were a couple little looks of concern, but no one treaded on eggshells. I looked to Eren and grinned, I knew this was his good work. He knew I wasn't a monster, just like I knew he wasn't. It took a while, but soon things went back to normal. Only the occasional whisper caught my attention. Once or twice though Jack, a fellow accomplished rookie of six months, would give me a pitying smile. Then he'd put a hand on my shoulder and squeeze, tapping my chin gently. Each time he got a swift punch to the gut, but he assured me that he understood what I was going through. The third time this happened I couldn't let my patience take another beating.

"Look Jack. I'm not 'going through' anything. Just leave it yeah?"

"Oh c'mon, I can see through that mask." He'd soothe, greasy lips sliding into a smirk. "If you ever need to talk, just come by my room, it's always open to you beautiful."

"And anything else with a pair of tits." I scoff without turning back to him. I shudder as I consider what he's proposing. I feel like I need a shower, but there's no time. It's time for some more 3DMG training and I'm paired with Eren. This would only end badly. Our competitive streaks didn't go well together.

As predicted a competition ensues and a bet is made. Why did we do this to each other?

I land at the same time as Eren after our race, the sun was just setting as we both knelt to the ground in breathless laughter. Now no one had one, so we both had to forfeit. We shared a look of dread but knew there was no getting out of it. We had three days leave coming up and so recovery from a heavy night of drinking would be easily done. No one was going to be able to chicken out.

"Well… I guess we need to see what Mikasa and Armin came up with…" I say unhooking my gear as he does the same, he winces and shakes his head.

"Why did we ask them to determine the forfeit?"

"I'm pretty sure it was your idea genius."

"Hmm, no I think we're both morons." He puts a hand to his face and laughs, "Still, I bet you're hilarious when you're drunk."

"I'm fucking hilarious when sober thank you very much." I pout and he rolls his eyes, I turn and bump into the Captain who look down with distaste. His grey eyes flick between me and Eren, before settling on me, where they hold and burn a little.

"So who won the bet?"

Dammit, how did he find out? Eren's just looking at the ground, shuffling his feet a bit. Letting me handle this then friend? Thanks. I turn back to the Captain and attempt an apologetic smile, but my lips just kind of warp a bit oddly.

"We um… both did?"

"So now you both forfeit." There's almost a smirk. "Idiots." He turns and begins to walk away. I turn to Eren and we share a breath of relief. That could have been messy, or in fact very clean if we were sent on cleaning duty for our entire leave.

We all go and change before meeting in the mess hall again. I can hear them downstairs chatting away as I pull my hair back into a tie, my red fringe sweeping my eyes as I smooth down my civvies and reach for the door. I pause and look to my calendar. I had been so focused on training, and then the bet with Eren I hadn't noticed. It was my birthday. I reach out and grab the red ribbon, tonight's a special night. I wrap it round my wrist and smile, perhaps it was time to turn this day into a celebration? For thirteen years it had been only a marker for my failings at keeping my promise. But now that promise was kept. And now Keza was with me too. I kiss the ribbon and head downstairs to settle a bet, and have some fun. It was a commodity in short supply.

"So basically me and Mikasa decided to keep it simple." Armin says placing a rather large bottle of clear liquid on the table. I shrink back. That's moonshine. No mistaking it.

"Where did you—?"

"Hanji wanted to see what would happen." Explains Mikasa, gesturing to the glasses bearing lunatic who had suddenly appeared. Notebook in hand with pen at the ready.

"I wanna see how my home brew affects you kids."

"Cheers Hanji." I laugh, I haven't have a proper drink since before joining up. As an older recruit than most, I was more practised in the art of drinking. "I hope we give you an interesting study."

"You h-haven't put anything else in that have you Hanji?" Eren is staring at the liquid with wide eyes. The woman gasps and looks offended. I don't know why; it's exactly what is to be expcted of her.

"Of course not!" And then she makes a note. I laugh and share out the glasses provided, six small tumblers each.

"Shot till we drop?" I ask Mikasa and she nods without a word. I look to Eren and begin to pour generous shots into each tumbler. I know this is going to end with a bastard of a hang-over but as I glance around at the expectant faces of our friends, I laugh and decide I'll enjoy the hang-over. Sign of a well enjoyed night. I take the first glass in my hands and raise it up, everyone else does the same, waiting for me to speak.

"Well here we go people, be prepared for a fuck-tonne of slurring. But…" I look around with a slight blush, "Can I just say? Thanks for being here guys, sounds stupid but… well… today's my twenty-first birthday and I can think of no better a bunch of folks to spend it with."

They all cheer and clinks ring out through the room. I touch my glass to Eren's and the carnage begins. It's like liquid fire as it slides down but it then spreads out through my body and I sigh. I remember the sensation and kiss my ribbon again.

"C'mon slow pokes, this is only the first round." Jean sits down at the head of the table and drums his fingers as he swigs from a bottle of something. I think its wine. We down the other five shots and I giggle as the room swims beautifully around, lanterns melt into orbs of sunlight and my friends are swirls of love. Shit, this was hitting me harder than I expected.

"What's with the ribbon?" Eren touches it and I jump a little, his hands are freezing. Jean pours our next round of drinks as fiddle with the rough knot I fastened the ribbon with. "You've never worn that before."

"Never been here on my birthday." I smile and tilt my head, wondering why it was Birthday's always made people nostalgic. It wasn't something I felt often, but this ribbon represented a bright point in my past. And it was beautiful. "Me and my friend Keza share these. We stole it from a silk trader and cut it in half, one for her and one for me."

"Where is she now?"

"Somewhere safe. But we said we'd always wear these on our birthdays, we can wear them whenever we want really… but we have to wear them on our birthdays. Stupid I know… but it's a link to something good that happened in the past."

"A little stupid, but not very." Laughs Jean and he sets the bottle down. "Suits you."

I raise my glass to him and the next round begins. I can hear Hanji muttering and scribbling, her glasses flashing in the lantern light. I turn to her as the final glass is emptied. She leans in.

"What is it kiddo? Feeling it yet?"

"It's more that I can't feel my hands…" I snigger and point at her notepad. "What-exashly are you looking for?"

"I've only ever drunk this with… other people. So I just wanted to see how you two handled it. After all Eren has a singularly individual biological make-up, and you're just… well you're you."

"That I am." I turn to Eren and we laugh, his left eye is a little closed and I tap his forehead. "You feeling all right there Jeager?"

"Mm? Good yeah… next round. I'm not-shloosing to you again. Rookie."

"Ha! Then try opening your eyes Titan boy."

"Touché."

"Never mind my ass mister, none of your concern."

Apparently Hanji gets the joke as she snorts into her notepad. Eren is frowning for about a minute in silence as he tries to decipher my words; then it slips into place and he laughs. I roll my eyes but see a new figure has sat at the table. Armin looks nervous as the person sits next to him.

"You better go get another one of these shitty glasses. Although why you're giving this stuff to the brats I don't know. Erwin won't be pleased."

"Erwin's greedy. Right, I'll go search out another bottle. Don't steal it all shorty."

"Fuck off glasses."

Captain Levi reaches out and grabs the bottle, pouring himself a generous measure into his own glass before handing it back to me so I can continue refilling me and Eren's glasses. I'm sure it's just my imagination, but I'm sure our measures are getting bigger as this goes along.

"Oh and by the way, brat?" We all turn but the Captain holds his cup up before nodding at me and taking a long gulp. "Happy Birthday. You're fucking old for a rookie."

Everyone is staring, but I raise my glass in response and down it.

"But not the oldest one here."

"But definitely the shortest." He takes another gulp and I feel myself blush. The laughter surrounds me and I pop my lips. I couldn't really argue with that. I wait for Eren to catch up and then we resume our game. By the time Hanji has returned we're in need of that next bottle. She sits down with a pout and pushes her own glass our way.

"You made me miss some notes shorty."

"Fuck off glasses." He mutters into his cup, eyes watching the table intently.

Me and Eren tap hands to signal a breather. At the moment we're completely even again, no one is wavering and no one is slowing up.

"Eren?" I say shaking my head to clear my vision, he blinks slowly at me. "Please don't tell me we have to do another forfeit if we both finish this forfeit at the same time."

"G-god no…" and he belches really loudly. We all laugh, though when seeing the disgusted look on Captain Levi's face we halt it. He had to be drunk, Hanji had gone and got another bottle, seeing the thirsty faces around the table. The Captain had drunk at least a third. He had to at least be tipsy. And yet he remained so uptight? I wondered what it would take to loosen that man's cravat. It's totally the drink, and I'll likely get my face shoved into the table top, but I reach over and nudge the Captain's cup with mine. He's been swirling it in the air for the past five minutes. As though it were a fine wine.

"Savouring are we?"

"Hardly, brat." he droles before upending the glass. Holding my gaze as he slams it down, grabs another bottle and refills the glass to the very top, not spilling a drop. I chuckle and look back to Eren who looks very confused.

"Shall we Eren? Or is this old man about to beat us?"

We share a determined look and finish our latest round.

"Ugh right." Jean says, hopping up from his seat. We look at him drearily. He's also been drinking, but you wouldn't know it. He looks sharp as ever. Then again I doubt my own judgement is up to par at this current moment. "Both of you get up."

We follow the order, both holding ourselves steady with the table top. He walks round and tugs us out of our seats, grabs two empty bottles and holds them out to us.

"Balance them on top of your heads, whosever drops first loses."

"Huh?" grunts Eren, rubbing his eye, "I thought it was—"

"Clearly neither of you is giving up till you've passed out." He puts a hand on his hip, yawning widely. "And I'm too damned tired to keep score, Mikasa went to bed ages ago and I think Armin's asleep over there… somewhere. So yeah, this decides it, then we can just sleep, keeping going, whatever. But at least I don't need to stand by as judge. Go on."

I hold out my hand to Eren and we shake firmly.

Turning back to face Jean we both reach up and place the bottles atop our heads. My whole body goes rigid as I desperately try to find my centre of gravity. But it was difficult as I was doubting the strength of that force of nature, I was sure we were underwater and this was all some kind of trick. I hiccup. No, I would win this. I touch my ribbon and smile broadly as I remember all the nights like this me and Keza had shared, her hoarse laughter mixing with my goofy chortles as we hid on some bars roof. I hoped she was celebrating too, wherever she was.

I chance a glance at the Captain to see how he's doing but find him no longer drinking from his glass, instead he watches me with that same blank expression. I find myself locked into that gaze and wonder what it is that keeps him so closed in. Everyone had a past. But they had tells as to what they were. Captain Levi was a brick wall. Just once I wanted to peer over it. I wondered if I ever would. Then again, why would I ever have the right? I hear a whimper from Eren and there's a smash. Ha! I grab my bottle, slam it onto the table top, keeping eye contact with the captain till I break away to throw my arms up and cheer loudly. Eren holds out a weary hand and we shake strongly. Without much thought I climb onto the table and take my bows.

"Thnk-you-thank-you-itss-sbeen-a-pleassure…" I hiccup and everyone cheers from their seats, barely realising what's just happened. I sit down on the table top, legs crossed as I play with the empty bottles, everything swirling round me as beneath water. The Captain has handed a broom to Eren.

"Idiot. Clean this shit up before one of these shitty brats hurts themselves." Eren does so, but is still smiling whenever he catches eyes with us over at the table. The clean-freak was infallible.

"Poor Eren." I chuckle darkly. "Still, it isn't the winning, it's the taking part that counts."

"Shut up Robyn, and fix your hair. You look like a scarecrow."

"Look in a mirror lanky." I laugh, lying back whilst forgetting the Captain has sat back down again. He's sat back, but he glances my way.

"Well done brat." I look to him and dip my head. "Didn't think you'd make it."

"I wasn't gonna loshe to a little kid now was I?"

"You're not that much fucking older."

"You're the one who called me it."

"No I didn't." He shakes his head and draws from his glass again. I laugh, he's actually drunk. And the only reason I know is by him repeating himself. Ridiculous. "And you do look like a scarecrow."

"Mm…"

Apparently I dozed off for a few hours as when my eyes flicker open most people are sitting sprawled around the room, quietly chatting as they share bottles and giggle into cups. I sit up and find the Captain still sat where he was, another bottle added to his pile as he lays with his head on the table. He had a strange way about him, he was impossible to read. But the way his hair was falling against his closed eyes made me smile, an amazing man really. I lay my head back again and sigh, the family I was bound to by the blood in my veins was gone, but this family, bound by blood spilt, was stronger than ever. I loved them all.

"Well look at this mess."

Almost all of them.

Erwin's voice rang out through the hall at a deliberately high volume. Many cadets shrank back into the shadows despite not doing anything wrong. His blue eyes scanned the room and land on me with distaste. I groan. Shit, was he really about to have a go at me now? And then I consider my question, of course he is. Duh.

"Shit…" I close my eyes and hope he assumes I've drifted off.

"Cadet Sanshi, sit up."

"Yes, sir."

I slowly do so and turn to him, legs still crossed but upright at least. His eyes slowly go over me and gradually narrow as his disapproval grows. I just wait for him to say his piece, seemed the least painful route. His eyes momentarily look to the Captain and then at the snoozing figure of Hanji who I hadn't previously noticed. She's lying across the bench snoring. Notepad firmly under her head.

When he looks back at me he seems to be deciding how to put his words. This probably means I'm not going to like them. I put my hands on my knees and hold tight. The temper is harder to control when drunk, and I think I passed that point a long time ago.

"The issue of whether or not you are fit for field duty has been up for discussion over these past few weeks." I nod. "We have decided you will remain here to train the other recruits whilst Captain Levi leads a team out to make sure our path remains fairly clear to our goal of Jeager's basement."

"Sir, if I may?" I'm thankful to find my speech back to normal, the rest of the room is a blur of colour, but at least I can see him and he can hear me. My nails are already digging into my knees but I maintain a calm expression. "My injuries sustained after Captain Levi tackled me have healed completely—"

"That is not the issue."

"What is, sir?"

"Your rage cannot be risked in the field."

"But sir—"

"Cadet, if that rage should end up aimed at a fellow recruit or even a superior, the entire team would be put at risk." I bite down on my tongue to almost the point of drawing blood. This wasn't happening. I had finally been put on the best squad and now I was being held back because I was too angry?

"Sir, with all due respect, I would never attack a fellow scout. Why on earth do you suspect I would do such a thing?" His eyes flash with anger but I continue, keeping my voice level. "I have only ever slipped once into my rage, and as you well know, I had my reasons. To keep me here as a babysitter seems unnecessary. I can help clear the way of Titans, protecting my team and the long-term goal."

"However it is not your decision."

"Very well, let them die." He steps back a little and I climb off the table, holding his gaze, cold and determined. "You condemn the team to death, sir. Captain Levi has outlined our roles within the formation meticulously, and planned it carefully. To suddenly remove a component could be disastrous."

I see my words sink in, he has to consider this. His fury remains clear to see. The Commander takes a deep breath and I ready my patience.

"I understand your concern but the Captain is more than capable of changing his plans."

"Sir… please…" I feel a lump form in my throat, my eyes don't hold tears but I can tell the Commander has heard my voice crack. A hint of sympathy enters his pale blue stare and I look away. That's the last thing I want to see. "I… may I speak openly sir?"

"Continue Cadet."

"My actions against that convict was the completion of a promise I made thirteen years ago today. Possibly yesterday… depending on the time… anyway, having lived from my eighth birthday with only that promise in mind I now find myself with only one other goal, sir. I have to kill Titans, I have to help humanity in this fight… or else there's…"

I can't say it out loud. That would make the fact, that without the hatred of my father, and the fight against the Titans, I had little left in my life. My ribbon pinches and I sigh. I didn't even know if I'd ever manage to find her again. It had been years. I didn't even know if she was still alive. All I had was my family in these walls, and the fight we shared. The silence is heavy and when his eyes remain unchanged I hang my head and hold my hand to my heart in salute.

"However, sir. I accept and respect your decision, sir. I will remain here and—"

"Dwindle till you have no fight left." My head snaps up as the commander groans and scratches the back of his head. "I admit cadet that you worry me, but I also understand your conviction. You're… well, by all accounts you're a fine soldier. You may go on the expedition."

"Sir, thank you, sir." I clutch my shirt where my hand had been for the salute and he actually smiles at me before turning and leaving.

Whispers begin to float around the hall but ultimately it is silent before there's a grunt and Captain Levi sits bolt upright. Not a hair out of place. What the good god damn would it take to make that man untidy? He sits back with a yawn.

"I'm coming on the expedition, sir. I'll be right there where you had me in the formation plans." I grin and he raises a brow, getting to his feet before storming past me.

"Of course you are, whoever said you weren't? Brat."

Expedition day dawns and I double-check my gear, this is exactly when I don't need it jamming up on me. We each check our own, then each other's, there was no such thing as being too careful in this situation. Yesterday's training had gone well, everyone made good time and everyone used hardly any gas. It was a clear day and set to be a success. And so naturally my nerves were right on edge. I was hiding it well, didn't want the team knowing how anxious I was. After all it made no sense, I'd been out loads of times. This just happened to be the first time with their squad. I just hoped I didn't let them down.

It was only the small team of us going: Captain Levi, myself, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Jack and Connie too. Me and Jack were the only 'rookie' cadets there, it was quite the honour. But whilst I was humbled to be there, occasionally pinching myself, he was a prick. I don't know what else I had expected, but still it annoyed me. Jack was a good soldier, but I wasn't sure about him in general. His dark eyes were unreadable and his hair was too similar to the Captain, he was clearly trying to emulate the Captain, but he was failing. Instead he just looked creepy. Then again he was good with the fear, and a skilled swordsman. My personal opinion meant little when it came to whether or not a person could help take down the Titans. Which I knew he could, so I just held both my tongue and contempt.

The smaller the group the less likely we were to attract a fresh batch of Titans into the area. All we had to do was check the route to the forest remained as clear as possible. Simple. I climb upon my horse and make sure everything's secured into place. Everyone else seems ready to go, but Captain Levi is having a last minute talk with the Commander in the compound. We all get comfy and wait for our marching orders.

"Why does the Commander always pick times like these for a chat?" groaned Jean, fidgeting in his saddle. I shrug and lean back a little, letting the bones in my spine pop as I wriggle and bend. "God you must be old Sanshi, the hell is wrong with your back?"

"Nothing, it's just musical." I say with a final jolt and a satisfying crunch. They all flinch.

"The hell is your problem Jack?" He looks away, blush deepening. I recall his previous comments towards me. I roll my eyes; the man seriously needed to show himself some more love on a regular basis if me stretching made him horny. Ridiculous.

Ignoring the creep in the corner, I look round the group and feel my pride swell, I was really part of this group. Seemed alien and surreal but I just looked to my saddle, grin plastered over my face. We were about to enter the jaws of danger and death but I felt giddy. Maybe I was mad?

"Nervous?" Eren laughs, frowning at my smile and I give a small shrug.

"Only as nervous as I ever am on these expeditions…"

"C'mon you're braver than that." Scoffs Jack with a flick of his hair. I roll my eyes and shake my head at his arrogance,

"All the bravery in the world shouldn't stop you from being nervous, or respecting the fact that our enemy is damned dangerous. The second I stop being nervous? That's when I'll have lost myself to this madness and fuck that bullshit." I realise I've let myself escalate the conversation and fight back a blush. "Sorry, I'm just saying that we should never get complacent. It isn't a luxury we can afford..."

"Well said." Mikasa nods at me and I return the gesture.

"After all Jack, it isn't so long since the Female Titan came and once again threw everything against the fan."

"Yeah but—"

"Don't try and downplay that Jack seriously," I warn him, my hold on the reins tightening, "Good people were lost when that attack happened. We weren't here so we can't understand the damage done. Don't be a prick."

"I'm not sure he can help it." Mikasa is shooting daggers at the prat who now just looks down at his horse. Probably hoping the world would swallow him whole. I feel bad for turning on him so violently, but to hear him downplay the massacre of that expedition is just beyond my patience threshold. I wasn't there, but I'd heard the stories, seen the faces as they explain what happened. Poor bastards. I look to Eren and he's looking out to the horizon beyond the gate, his knuckles white.

"Can I ask something?" I feel nervous to voice my curiosity but they all turn to me with kind looks and I bite my lip. "What did happen to Annie? I've heard she encased herself in crystal, but never anything else. Do you know?"

I aim the query at all of them. But they just look amongst themselves and shift a little. Either they don't know, can't say, or don't want to? I don't persist, but suddenly my eyes are caught in Eren's and I feel the green swallow me up. It was him who described how she'd been taken down. How he'd taken her down. It was at that point I'd really felt the pain in his voice as he described his confusion. He was so similar to Annie and yet so different, but still he had no answers. Unanswered questions had a way of eating away at a person, and I hated to think of something doing that to Eren. He gave so much, why could the world not give him something back at long last?

"She's being guarded and studied. That's all I know. We still don't know why she did what she did. So really… it's just another question that needs answering." He looks angry, but I know it isn't aimed at me, just the situation. I smile and he breaks from his haze, blushing a little as he looks back to the horizon.

"Thanks. I just wondered…"

"Hey is it true the Commander nearly didn't let you come along?" I nod at Mikasa and she scoffs, "What a moron."

"He's just worried I'll go all bezerka at one of you guys. Say we disagreed or something… mind you I've never had an outburst before… well… before seeing Vincent, so his fear was a little confusing. But ultimately he was just trying to do what was best."

"The mere fact you can understand that makes me glad I changed my mind." I turn pink and look to the Commander who dips his head at me and gives a quick salute. Mikasa sinks a little into her scarf. I return the Commander's gesture and hope my cheeks aren't burning as brightly as I think they are.

"Let's move out." Captain Levi barks and I notice his stern gaze at the Commander. I really don't think he knew about the potential change of plan. I think back to his peaceful sleeping face and push down a smile, he was a hard-ass but I knew there was something human under there somewhere. Maybe. It was a long ride to the main gate, but soon enough we had set out onto the trail and we were all on high alert. Flares ready and swords thirsty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you enjoyed. I don't own AOT. Thanks for reading! More to follow, please like, follow and or review!
> 
> Images associated with chapter so far
> 
> Deviant are id: Frantastic1993 "Ribbon"


	4. Delicate Flower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, I just think it's fantastic. This is just me having fun with writing, and hopefully giving you some enjoyment too.   
> Please leave a review to help me know how it's going if you have the time, and to know whether there are any requests for certain scenes. It's good to know what works or what doesn't. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Note: potential triggers in this chapter, nothing overtly graphic, but still, warning applied.

What a fucking mess.

Everything had been fine. Everything was going to plan. Then Jack just had to get too comfortable, throwing jokes left and right as the sunshine beat down. Yes it was calm, yes it had thus far been an uneventful run but that didn't mean it was safe. Out there is was never safe, not really. The first joke had been funny, the second one confusing, but now they were coming thick and fast. Was he trying to annoy the Captain? I watch the Captain remain unresponsive, but there was a definite air of impatience. I wondered how close Jack was to a quick boot to the face. But that was when everything went to shit. I'd been on a lot of missions but I'd never known one to turn south so damned fast.

I turned to tell Jack to put a sock in it, mainly for his own safety, when I felt my gut turn to ice. An abnormal was honing in on all fours, it must've been a sixteen meter easy by the size of its inane face. I called out to the left flank but they were now at too bad an angle to do anything. And then Jack froze. I wanted to kill him myself when he sat there, jaw slack as he stared into the drooling jaws. At that moment I knew, we were fucked.

Levi calls out orders to Mikasa and Jean to help him take it down. He shoots me a look, and I know I have to try and get the moronic Jack out of the way. I'd rather leave him to his own stupidty, for just a second this is my mind-set, but ultimately I obey both my orders, and my moral code. Damn bossy bastards. I turn my horse round and get ready to jump. I sail through the air and land between Jack and the reins he's let slip from his fingers. I wrench them round and feel the air rush past as the teeth of the Titan bite into the bitter ground just behind us. Then there's a flash of silver as the three zip overhead and deal with it. I ride back round to behind the otherwise maintained formation and twist round to slap Jack hard in the face, my own horse now alongside us to allow me to hop back over. I do so as Jack's eyes return to the present and he looks around him with panic.

"That's it moron, wake the fuck up."

"Wha—"

"Get back into formation. Nearly got you and I killed." I ride ahead to where the formation has regrouped and he follows.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see it… I didn't even hear it!"

"Then quit yapping yeah? Less talking, more doing your job."

I make pace with the Captain and he nods. Suddenly the ground is growling at us. Three or is it four? They're lumbering at us, having been attracted by the commotion. The formation breaks as one makes a lunge for us, and there's nothing I can do. My horse rears and I hear its leg snap as the ground ruptures beneath the Titan's foot. Well, shit. I go with instinct and fire my wire up into the fucker's neck and swing round. I watch the dull eyes watch me, taking note of how small I seem in their glazed reflection. Well this was one blood bag it wasn't getting a hold of. I swing round to slice deep into the weak spot. Perfect.

I ride the beast down to the ground and look round to see the other three being dealt with. My horse is gone, left to be demolished by the Titan's falling corpse. Poor thing. And now I'll have to ride with someone else. I then feel a fresh rumble and find myself facing down another sixteen metre monster. It reaches out. I flip back and begin to run, searching for something to zip onto but the land is flat and open. I'm a fast runner but this fat bastard has an ever so slight advantage. His foot slams down in front of me and I flip backwards before firing my line up onto his back and beginning my ascent. It isn't ideal, but at least I'm gaining speed. Suddenly I see Jack swinging in, screaming his face off.

"I got this Robyn!"

But I can clearly see he doesn't. The beasts hand is reaching up for him, about to smash him senseless. Again I'm tempted to leave him to his fate, but soon enough I'm running along to the shoulder joint of the beast and slicing down. The steam bursts out at me and I cringe back as the beast gives a howl, turning to my distraction, but by the time it has I'm gone. I've fired into its neck, swung out in front of it and scooped Jack out the way. I let him fall back to the ground, just missed by the clawing hand. Lucky git. I swing all the way round and am honing in on the weak spot when I feel my wire pulled tight.

Shit.

The air is thrashed from my lungs as it drags me round to dangle over its stinking mouth. I wretch but don't give up. I wasn't about to make this bastard an easy meal. I was a prickly pear. I can hear my team's yells from below, but when they reach me their only echoes of madness. I swing and fire my wire other into its wrist so it can't drop me into its gullet, which it tries to in the next second. My spine is on fire as I'm jolted against my new wire hold. I hang there trying to see straight after the whiplash has decimated my neck. But on I go. I loosen the wire till I can get some momentum, but again the beast catches my wire before I can let it return to my gear. I feel escape slip from my fingers again. But as I look for another way out a flash goes past me, a feral roar echoing out before my wire is suddenly cut and I plummet to the ground. My legs groan with bruising as I run, but then I stop to turn, suddenly frozen in place myself.

Captain Levi swings round, and with his usual prowess goes in for the kill but he's not got a good angle. He shouldn't have gone in. Why the fuck had he even started this dumbass attack? The angle was all damned wrong! I want to call out but don't want to distract him. He swings round like I did but the Titan catches him in its dirty fist. This couldn't be happening. This should be me, or Jack. The beast holds him there as he struggles and as I make to fire my good wire, the Captain shoots me warning look, forbidding me to attempt a rescue. But I could save him. I just need a chance to- And then I hear it, the awful cracking of bone. The Captain's face is contorted into agony; and when the only other expression you've seen on a person's face is complete indifference, that is a terrifying sight. Blood dribbles from his lips and finally his head lolls forward.

I immediately forget that rage-filled look.

Not like this. Fuck that.

My remaining wire slices into the beast's cheek and I adjust my weight to begin the curve. This is going to hurt, but I won't let humanity lose its best soldier because of my failings. I feel my arm crack oddly as I swing out and make the incision. And by some miracle its deep enough and I feel the beast jolt before becoming limp. As it begins to fall I fire my wire again into the tings wrist, zip over, slice its fingers off and hold onto the Captain's straps as we swing towards the ground. We land in a heap. The ground is cold, the heat radiating from the decaying beast behind and making my neck clammy. But I can't move him yet. I get off him and feel myself begin to shiver all over as the out-of-place vulnerable look is laid over my Captain. He's broken. Dark hair cast over his eyes, blood over his parted lips and seeping through his uniform in several places. I take in the image in a second and get to work. Soon enough the others are all around us.

"Is there any more?!" I scream whilst I hold a finger to his pale throat, praying for a pulse to greet me. He looked wrong being so unkempt, so dishevelled. A sign of him being human, and only now that he was dying? No. No he wasn't. I tug off his cravat and hold my hand there, there has to be a damned pulse. There fucking has to be.

"Is he…" I look up with warning at Jack's mumbling.

"Is there anymore you cretin?!"

He shakes his head and I look for confirmation from someone with capability. Mikasa confirms and I finally feel a thump. He's alive. I then start thinking of how to get the Captain back to safety. He was alive, but that didn't mean he was going to stay that way. Unless I could save him.

"Jack get the fuck off that horse and give me your extra belts."

No one questions me as I work like a machine, but my hands are shaking like crazy. This was a lot of fucking pressure for a rookie. I wondered why no one else was trying to intervene. But then it hits me. They're prepared to die, they're prepared to see each other die at any second. But this is something they aren't ready for. There's always meant to be Captain Levi waiting to swing in and mop up whatever they've failed to kill. It's him that saves the day. They may joke about hating him, and even mock his attitude, cleanliness and lacking of height. But really he was their hero. This only makes my hands shake more. Shit. Adrenaline and panic are intoxicating me. But I have to move quickly. I tilt his head back to ensure he can breathe before asking Mikasa to help me bind the Captain's arms and legs into place with the belts. Whatever damage had been done to his bones would hopefully be kept to the minimum by this. I know next to nothing about first aid but it seems a decent attempt. At least I tried. I try not to think in past tense. This wasn't over yet. I then climb onto the horse and hand Eren my extra belts, telling him to strap the Captain to me as securely as he can. I can barely breathe but it should stop the man moving and furthering his injuries.

We hadn't brought a wagon, I didn't know why, but short of turning Jack into a human equivalent this was as good as it was going to get. The whole way back I strain to hear the laboured breathing of my Captain. Just keep breathing dammit. If there was ever a time to be the stubborn, cold eyed asshole you were, this was the time Captain. Don't go and wimp out on me now. I ride the horse right through the base, ignoring any protests from other cadets put on guard duty. It doesn't take them long to notice who it is I'm carrying and they immediately shut it. I ride through the corridors and straight into the hospital where the medics unstrap us and tend to the Captain. I sag to the floor, gulping at air and pushing the fussing nurses off me. Tend to the man actually hurt over there? Y'know the one barely breathing because I failed to make my mark and kill a Titan first time round? Just bring my Captain back from the brink.

"Robyn let me help you."

I turn to snap again at a nurse, but find only the kind face of Eren smiling kindly down at me. I give a shaky nod and let him gently help me up to sit me down on a bed. He's so careful as he begins to undo my straps, I don't know why he's being so delicate with me, but I just strain to see what is happening where the doctors tend to Captain Levi. But I can't see anything past the doctors, and then a nurse pulls the curtain across. My heart speeds up a little.

"He's going to be okay, just stop moving."

"I'm fine."

"You're fucking not, now stay still." The harshness of his voice makes me freeze in place, and I look down to see blood covering the left side of my uniform. What? "It's not a deep wound but I don't want you losing any more blood. I knew this wasn't his blood, saw it on you before you got strapped together."

"When the hell did I get this…?"

"Does it matter? Now lie back or you'll pass out. Just rest a bit and let me clean you up. I'll tell you when he wakes up if you doze off."

"You didn't say if," I mumble as I lie back into the soft mattress and Eren's green eyes crinkle at the corners. It didn't seem to matter how scared or panicked I felt, that smile just made me warm inside. He didn't say if. He really didn't did he?

"No I didn't say if. He will wake up, thanks to you. You saved his life. Now, please rest?"

I nod, but I only doze, keeping a keen ear out for any commotion. Having cleaned me up, I feel Eren take my hand. His hand is cold after he went to wash it. His thumb rubs the back of my hand and I think he lays his head on the bed. He worried way too much about these things. I sometimes had to remind myself, and him, that I was in fact older than him. I joined up after him, but I was older by a couple years. Yet still he managed to coddle me at times. I smile a little, I'd have to return the favour and see how he liked it. And then my smile broadens as I realise how much he'd hate it.

"You fucking scared me Robyn."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, after that you just fucking impressed me. You were stupid to go back in but… shit… its good you did. He's bound up and doing well. The nurse said it wasn't as bad as it looked. He's got six fractured ribs and a broken arm but he's okay. They've stopped the bleeding. You…" a yawn breaks through, "You saved humanities strongest soldier. I wonder what that makes you." I hear him laugh.

"His nanny?" I mumble and he squeezes my hand. "Thanks for cleaning me up Eren… and again, sorry for scaring you."

"Everyone scares me, and you're welcome. It was barely a flesh-wound as it turns out but… I guess it hit the wrong point. How're you feeling? I reckon you lost a decent amount of blood."

"Tired, but not very sore."

"Stubborn… still, get some sleep, its late, I'll come see you tomorrow. Jack needs calmed down, he hasn't said a word, or blinked, since we got back. Damn idiot, but still, better go see how he's doing. Think Jean nearly killed him when we got back… anyway, see you later. Stay in that bed."

With that I bid him goodnight and he leaves after talking with the nurse. I can barely make out his voice though, everything is slipping away and then sleep takes me.

Dreams swirl around me and I feel it all; the fear, the rage, the panic. Hot breath and steam, blood and sweat, screams all around and there it is. The Captain being raised up to those drooling jaws, his bones cracking as his face contorts in agony. There's where the dream freezes and my stomach churns. I want to run away, I want to throw up, I want to do something. But all I can do is stare. But now there's not just my panic over losing humanity it's best soldier, there's not just the rage that I'd let this happen, and there's not just the fear that I've let him down. There's something else entirely. I can't even pinpoint what it is. Its this weird ache in my chest, I've never felt it before and I can't stand it. Damn it hurts. What the fuck is this? My throat constricts as sobs rip from me. Finally the dream moves, in slow motion the Captain's head falls forward. Dead. All because I didn't do my job. I run forward, hand outstretched, but I slip and fall, he's thrown into the gaping jaws. Blood dribbles down the chin of the beast as it throws its head back and laughs. The ache bursts into icy needles that seem to explode from my heart.

"NO."

I sit up and stare ahead into the evening sunset through the window, the nurses nearby run over and paw at me. I brush them off and assure them I'm fine. Just a dream, it was gone now. They wander away, worried glances back at me occasionally. I try to ignore them, a blush on my cheeks. I shake off the dream and all its echoing emotions, and look down to see how my wound is doing. It's gone. I gasp and stupidly search my stomach, like the thing was hiding or something. How long have I been in here? Shit… but then I realise I'm still in my uniform. It can't have been more than a couple days surely? Unless they'd just forgotten to change my clothes. But still, how was I healed?

"Oh good, you're awake!" The thrilled voice of Hanji fills my ears and I turn to her with a knowing look. Coincidence rarely applied. "What?"

"What did you give me? I assume this is your handiwork?"

"It's just something I've been trying out with Eren's blood." But she holds up her hands as I lean forward with anger. "He volunteered and there was little to no pain involved. Calm down. You're as bad as Shorty. Sheesh!"

"Sorry… I don't mean to judge." I swing my legs down and carefully stand up. I'm shaky at first, old bruises aching in memory, but after a few wobbles I seem generally okay. Hanji is watching, making little notes in her book. The woman never stopped experimenting. However my legs do feel like they've been in the same clothes for too long. I shift in my clothing and groan. "How long have I been here?"

"A week."

"A week?!"

"You lost a lot of blood kid, seriously."

"Okay I guess but… ugh, why wasn't my uniform taken off?"

"Well… none of the nurses wanted to go anywhere near you. You kept yelling in your sleep and thrashing around. They wanted to restrain you but…"

"You wanted to observe?" I interject as she gives the slightest of blushes. She gives a small nod and I roll my eyes. "Well I hope you got some decent 'observations' because this is fucking disgusting. I need like five showers."

"You smell fine!"

"Goody? Still feel horrible. Ugh." I shudder and she gives a non-chalant wave of her hand.

"Look on the bright side, thanks to my new serum, the wound healed a good 50% faster than it would have on its own. So you're welcome! You feel icky but you're not bleeding anymore!"

"Thanks Hanji, really, well done on the treatment, but… how's…" I look across to the drawn curtain and I shudder. Fucking dreams needs to stay behind my eyelids. My stomach clenching as they flash into the waking world. She turns to follow my gaze and smiles softly, I feel my panic dim.

"He's doing well, I gave him the serum after seeing it work on you for a day… hope you don't mind being my tester."

"It worked, so I don't mind. As long as I don't turn into a titan if I drop the soap in the shower, we're all good."

"Hopefully not?" She shrugs with a crooked smile. I roll my eyes.

"So is he healed?"

"Not quite, but it's coming along really well. Keep in mind your wound was mainly flesh level, so it's different, but yeah he's good. Go see him if you want, I just came from there. He's as grumpy as ever, but may be glad to see you. He was asking after you too."

"Why?" I pull on my jacket and she shrugs before heading away out the hospital. I sniff at my clothes. I guess I wasn't moving around, so I'm not actually that bad. In that case it may well be safe to go see him, without him gagging at my hygiene. Wasn't my fault. I make my way over to the curtain and pause before drawing it back. This was my fault and it had to be made right. My hand shakes as I reached out.

"Stop dawdling, brat." The voice snaps at me and I flinch. Shit.

"Yes, sir. Sorry." I pull back the curtain and frown as he sits on the edge of his bed, fully clothed with his arm in a sling. Hanji was a miracle worker, but he was still not back to himself. It was subtle but the shoulders weren't quite straight and his eyes were more bruised than usual. I see the pale, drawn face after the attack flash before me, the blood soaked clothes and limp body. I shudder.

"Well spit it out, brat."

"S-sorry. How're you feeling sir?"

"Like shit. Anything else? I hear you got off lightly."

"Yes, sir. I'm fine. Unfortunately you got the brunt of the attack."

"I'll live."

"Yes, sir." I say with a little too much gratitude. "Do you know how Jack is?"

"That idiot is fine." He snarls, lip slightly lifting. Though only slightly. I wonder how fast Jack can run, as soon as the Captain got out of this hospital, I had the feeling Jack was going to take his place. This almost makes me smile.

"I more meant is he snapped out of his daze?"

"He was in shock for a couple days but has been drunk since then. Tch, why the hell would you care? Nearly got you killed."

"If he's better I can go slap the daylights out of him." Was that a smirk?

"See that you do, thanks to him the mission went all to hell."

"And we both almost ended up Titan chow."

"That too. Fucking idiot." He mutters, eyes cast to the side as I think he imagines beating that boy to a pulp. His foot twitches.

"I'm sorry sir, I should have been better with the gear and made the cut with the first jump."

"Not my point cadet. Stop wallowing. It's pathetic."

"Yes sir, tell me has Jack been in to see you?"

"Why would he?"

"Because—"

"Like I said, he's been drunk. But at least he's not being a self-pitying idiot."

I try to speak but look to the ground again, a blush fighting through. I can't let it go so easily, the guilt is latched onto me with claws, and I know it'll take a long time to pry it away. A long time and a lot of persuasion. But I could do better to not show it to the Captain. It obviously annoyed him. I swallow hard and push it down, I could let it out once I got to my room. I look up to reassure him of my state-of-mind but his grey eyes have been watching me. They roll.

"Tch. Look brat, I get that you're tearing yourself up over this but do me a favour and drop it." His grey eyes bore into me and I flinch backwards.

"Sir, of course, sir. Apologies."

"Plus now you have payback right?" again I flinch and look at him with confused eyes. What the hell did that mean? Why did I need to pay him back for? I knew he was an ass, and was hard on everyone. But he didn't seriously think we, as recruits, needed to watch him almost die in order to get an even feeling of justice? He was our Captain, he had to be hard on us. Otherwise we'd be dead. What the hell was he thinking? When I make no response his eyes narrow a fraction and he sighs heavily, impatient at my stupidity clearly. "When I smashed up your ribcage?"

"Sir…" I can't help but take my turn to look to the heavens. That was the last thing I'd have expected of him. Surely that was something he saw as his duty? Probably enjoyed it at the time too. But he's just standing there watching me. "Seriously, that isn't something I consider needing payback for. You had to do something to stop me. Hell if anything you did me a favour, sir."

"I don't get you Sanshi."

"You're not required to sir, just…" I look at him with pleading. "Just please let yourself heal? Sooner you do that, sooner I can stop irritating you with my guilt. Deal?"

"Tch. Get out."

"Sir?"

"I'll be released any minute and don't want your puppy-dog eyes watching my every move. Go get some dinner. That's an order." He adds with a nod.

I give a salute before heading out, glancing back to see him wave over the nurse in order to speed up his release. Stupid stubborn man. Amazingly enough not everyone heals as fast as Eren, even with Hange's serum. Duh.

I leave the hospital and walk about a corridor away, but then it hits full force. I hold onto the wall with a shaky hand but it's too late, I've tipped. My knees buckle and I crumple to the floor, head in hands as guilt crushes me. If I had only been quicker, stronger, better. I hit my hands against my head hard, demanding an answer to why I was so fucking stupid. My skull aches and I know I should stop, this is pointless, but I keep pounding. Fucking moron. I remember it all and know all the things I did wrong, but hindsight was always clearer. The image of the Captain being held in that Titan's clumsy hand, slowly being raised to that inane grin as his bones snap and blood seeps through the immense fingers. It was way too close. All because I couldn't get away quick enough. All because they surprised us. All because Jack wasn't paying attention. Moron.

I hear the door at the end of the hall open and I shoot to my feet, carefully wiping my eyes. I hear a chuckle, a low chuckle with a rasp to it. Jack. My quivering suddenly stops, and I feel like I could rip his spine straight out through his throat. If he hadn't been being such a smart-mouth and spotted the Titan then none of this would have happened.

I knew that blaming him was wrong, we all made mistakes, but the fact he'd spent his time drinking instead of checking in on the Captain? That was beyond reproach. I hoped he'd just walk by, but as we get closer I can see the smug look on his face and feel my temper flare. I hope I'm not about to give the Commander further reason to doubt my control. I knew Jack wasn't worth it, but my fingers itched.

"Evening Robyn."

I hated that he felt he could use my first name, I'd never given him permission to. He'd let me use his, but I didn't like how my name sounded when skidding over that slimy tongue. I dipped my head and made to simply walk past him. Perhaps he was on his way to see the Captain finally, perhaps I had been wrong? I can only imagine the reception he'll be given if he does walk through those hospital doors. Though the Captain would probably be thankful for the efficiency, not having to carry the sorry carcass far for medical attention. I hope it fucking hurts your creintous waste of space.

An arm reaches across my path. He's leaning against the wall with a stupid grin plastered across his oily face. I can smell the wine from here. It's rare to be so disgusted by being proven right. But still I feel myself shudder as he leans a little closer. He is a dick.

"I said, evening Robyn?"

"Good evening Jack."

"Where are you off to in such a lovely little rush?"

"To dinner. May I pass?"

"Why such a hurry?"

"I'm hungry."

"I know the feeling…" Was that really supposed to be a line? I watch his brow raise and his attempt at a wink. But he just kind of twitches his eye like his head just had a bad knock. I draw a calming breath and concentrate on my orders from my captain. Go get some dinner. That was what I was doing, I wasn't going to take this slimy git by the throat and ram him against the wall till he apologised for his moronic behaviour. No I wasn't. I was going to be good.

"Look Jack I was only asking to be polite, if I have to I'll just knock you on your ass instead. Let me pass, now."

"C'mon you don't mean that." He looms over me and the wine essence wafts over me, I cringe back and slap his hand down before walking past. "Don't play that card, you showed your hand on the mission, don't deny it."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

I don't turn to speak but feel him grab my wrist. Oh god this ass was going to pay. But before he whirls me round, he trips me up, then holds me against the wall by my throat, a couple inches from the ground. Funny how I thought I'd be the one to kick his ass. But why is he doing this to me? I fucking saved his ass! I barely understand what just happened before he's crushing his lips onto mine, oh god no. He forces his cold tongue into my mouth and moans desperately. Oh this is disgusting. My skin crawls and I frenziedly push back against him. The bastard is strong, I'll give him that. I give up on brute force and bite down hard on his serpent tongue, he yelps and withdraws his face, but tightens his grip on my throat.

"Likes it rough does she? M'kay, let me oblige." He rams his knee between my legs and I grunt as the pain shoots up my spine. My pelvis is on fire and soon it's burning through my whole body. He better not have just paralysed me. My legs still work, they're still frantically kicking. Okay, no paralysis. Just several weeks of discomfort on the loo. Great. He huffs into my mouth. "C'mon you can give me more than that, let me hear you groan for me. Say my name."

A sharp ringing sounds in my ears as my breathing cuts out with his grip and my legs begin to falter in their desperate kicking. I didn't know what had gotten into this ass but I was about to jam my foot there once I got the chance. He slowly unbuttons my shirt. I now wish I smelt bad, that might've at least deterred him a little. Maybe.

"Can't-breathe-bastard…" my vision blurs and I feel his hot breath by my ear. My mind warps, merging the present with the past, but I fight it. This was no time for nightmares. This was fucking happening now.

"Just behave like a good girl."

Oh fuck this.

He's about to swoop in for another saliva fest when I jam my fingers in his eye and finally feel his grip release. I gasp and splutter.

"Go sober up you prat! Ugh… gross…"

"So first you save me, then you refuse me? You're just a fucking tease you know that?" He grabs my hair and wrenches me back, my spine arched, his stinking breath wafting against my face. "All big eyed and bending over for the Lance Levi but when it comes to someone your own rank, nah? Fucking slut."

"Jack…" I wheeze, hearing the door far off open, he looks away for a moment, "Fuck you."

I push up, grab his hand, twist it behind his back, throw him to the floor and kick the back of his head. Blood spurts from his nose and he face-plants onto the opposite wall before falling to the ground, groaning but unconscious. I can't deny how good that feels, I almost feel giddy except for my burning throat and body. Ow. I can hear running footsteps but can't see who it is yet. I steady myself on my wobbling knees and gulp for air. Damn it, my throat burns. This was not a good week for me, or my temper. Didn't these assholes get the whole powder-keg deal? Handle with caution! Not hey needy pervy bastard leeches, come have a smooch.

"Robyn what the hell…?" the footsteps slow. I stand up, leaning back as my lungs finally refill.

The Captain stares at me, arm in sling as he looks between me and the limp Jack currently drooling over the floor. He then looks me up and down and his jaw clenches just a fraction. What was wrong with him? The draft makes me shiver. Oh bugger. I look down and quickly do up my shirt, it was down to my damn belly button, scars and everything on show. Of all the people to come along, the Captain was going to start thinking I was nothing more than a fucking victim. I clear my throat and dip my head, he mirrors me and waits.

"Nothing I couldn't handle sir." I sound like a chain smoker, I clear my throat inelegantly.

"Elaborate cadet. Now."

"Before I do. Can you let me go get someone else to cart this cretinous shit-stain, pardon my language, to the cells?"

"Excuse me cadet?"

"I can't stand too close to him for much longer before turning him into a woman, sir. I really am trying to be good here, and not put him in the hospital."

I begin to back away but the Captain holds out a hand, eyes closed as he tries to comprehend what I'm saying.

"You mean to tell me he tried to—"

"Oh he gave it a damn good shot, but he's stinking drunk sir and didn't exactly get far," I double check that I managed to do up my buttons correctly, but when I look back up I see a flicker of rage cross the Captains face. Emotion? "Captain?"

The next thing I know he's turned round, kicked Jack onto his back and begun pounding his boot in between the rookie's legs, a pleasant crunching noise emitting with every strike. It's annoying, but my instincts send me forward to hold the Captain back. I barely manage to do so, but plead into his ear as he growls.

"Sir please, he's… well he's definitely had enough now." The Captain shrugs me off harshly, making me stumble as he continues to growl as he looks to me with similar rage.

"Are you all right cadet?"

"I'm fine sir!" I hold up my hands and spin on the spot, the tension was very uncomfortable and the Captain did not need this kind of fuss. "If he had managed to do something we'd be having to scrape him off the floor. You know that."

The Captain wipes the sweat from his brow and nods, face back to its usual blank self.

"Please, sir. Just... come with me, and we'll get someone to come throw him in shackles."

"Don't suppose he's going anywhere." He says, spitting down at the mumbling mess. I wonder how far he'd have gone if I hadn't held him back. There was a need for violence in the Captain that I'd always heard of, but only ever seen hints of when out on mission. Having now seen a fraction of it first hand, I fully understood his reputation. I think I just saved Jack's pitiful life for a second time. What a stupid woman I was.

As we walk along in search of someone capable of lifting the puddle of Jack to the cells, I notice the Captain has a slight limp. Well shit, this was hardly a good start to his recovery. I can't help but laugh,

"I'm so sorry, sir, it's one thing to have to deal with danger outside the walls, but now you'll be paranoid about us all in here too. Bloody mad world."

"Tch, you apologise for the stupidest things. Fucking animal should be—"

"Sir, please, you don't need this aggro. What you need is rest."

"Don't tell me what I need, Cadet."

"Really, it's a damn good thing he decided to take a liking to me rather than... I dunno… someone less able to fight him off… like that wee Sandra girl or something…"

He huffs and shakes his head.

"You've just been assaulted Cadet, and you're glad it was you instead of someone else. You're infuriating."

"What? At least I was able to fight the bastard off. Better that than him picking someone who couldn't. Hey!"

I run up to Jean and Connie, leaving the Captain behind to hopefully cool off. It was nice that he was protective of us all, but he really needed to remember we weren't porcelain dolls. Mind you, as soon as I explain what's happened to Jean and Connie they start pawing at me to make sure I'm fine. I push them off and remind them of the pressing issue. Asshole in need of a cell. Where this idea came from that I'm some delicate flower, I have no idea, but I make them focus and go get Jack where he needs to go. Then the Commander could deal with him.

I stand alone and take note of my shaking hands. Dammit woman, you were fine. The Captain turns and leaves with them, glancing back at me before disappearing through the doors. I could be wrong, but I think I see disdain there in his look. Then again it's like trying to find sugar in snow with that man's expressions.

I head towards my room, determined to sleep and have this day put firmly in the past. But as the scene replays in my mind I feel my skin begin to crawl all over again. Disgusting. I run through to the showers and turn the water on scalding. I scrub till my skin is raw and eventually feel clean, almost.

With my skin tingling I go to my room in my towel and immediately get under the sheets after locking my door. I lie there and enjoy the quiet, only my heartbeat breaking it. I was fine, it was over, I was fine. It was by no means my first encounter, having lived on the streets since turning eight, safety had been difficult to come by. Then again it was how I learned to fight so I couldn't really complain. None of the perverts had ever succeeded so it could have easily been worse.

I feel my muscles twinge, and I groan into my pillow, they need to let off some steam. I feel so tired, yet know I need to decimate something.

There's a knock at my door and I wait for whoever it is to state their business, I feel fine, but in no mood to socialise.

"The Commander wants to see you Sanshi, now." It's Captain Levi of course, but he does at least sound like he's calmed down. There's another knock, it's a bit harder than the previous ones. "Answer me, brat."

"Sorry… yeah I'll head down in a minute, just… changing."

"Hurry up. I'll wait."

I roll my eyes at his babysitting and quickly change into civilian clothing. When I open the door he looks at me carefully, but remains stoic as usual. I'm quite proud that there's no tears or panic for him to study. This time I wasn't in need of his care, not this time. I suppose he had expected me to be blubbering into my pillow. No luck mate, you aren't getting to look after me again then remind me of that every time I look at you. Eventually I'll show I'm still a soldier. Crying isn't what I need to do right now. Kicking the shit out of something is.

I only hope this isn't about to be the Commander becoming worried about my temper. That would likely tip me over the rage edge. Considering the circumstances I acted as calmly as possible. Had I really gone for it they'd have been still searching for all Jack's bits. Surely they realise this?

I walk into the office and sit down, Captain Levi remains on the far wall, leaning there, watching me. The Captain totally thinks I'll downplay it doesn't he? That's why he's stood there watching me. The Commander doesn't say anything other than a request for the whole story. I remind myself to stay calm. He's probably just waiting for me to lose it. I keep eye contact with the Commander and tell him every detail, each making his blue eyes tighten a little as he holds the pen a bit tighter. These guys really were angry. I hoped Jack liked punishment, I had the feeling the Commander's boot was aching to have a go at that boys face. As I list off the things that occurred the Captain's foot twitches.

"Do you wish to press charges cadet Sanshi?"

"Oh yes please. Keep that pervert away from the other girls if nothing else." He nods and notes this down, I then look at my hands and notice them sitting in my lap with white knuckles. I really needed to see that punching bag. If I was going to go bezerk I'd do in privacy, on my terms, not with these two watching me.

"May I go sir? I really need to see a punching bag and imagine Jack's face on it."

"Of course Cadet. But please, if you need to, come and knock at my door any time. This isn't something I expect you to shoulder by yourself. I realise you showed extreme restraint when defending yourself."

"Thank you, sir. But really I think I just need to um… pardon my language, but I just need to kick the shit out of something, having shown saint-like restraint…"

"I completely understand Cadet, please, carry on. Oh and Sanshi?" I turn at the door, aware of Captain Levi still staring at me from the wall. "Good work in the field. The Captain was telling me that he'd be dead had you not reacted so quickly."

"I assure you he's exaggerating, but thank you, sir. Good night."

Captain Levi had said that? In fact, no, that wasn't the weirdest part. He had admitted that I had saved him? I snorted, more like the Commander asked the other recruits what happened and he had it confirmed by a reluctant Captain Levi. He was probably just trying to wind up his Captain. Short man and shorter temper. Was probably a lot of fun to wind up, if you were in a position to allow such mischievous intent?

I walk into the abandoned gym and leave the door ajar as my light source. I don't want the bright light, just enough to see where I'm punching. I shrug off my jumper and stand there envisioning the punching bag into my victim, his greasy lips, his stinking breath. This would be fun. But as I do my legs wobble at the memory of his strength. Shit. I slowly draw in my breath and steady my nerves. It was only natural for a wobble. But that was it, one was all I was getting.

I kick the hell out of the punching bag hanging there, I must've been going at it half an hour straight. I smash into it again and again till my leg feels like it's going to break. I taste metal on my tongue as I pant, but don't let up for a moment. My hair comes out of its tie and falls over my face as I huff and growl.

"Think you can use me?" Smack; dust begins to puff from a split seam, "Think I'm your play thing? Think you can throw me around however you like? I'm not here to entertain you. No you little shit, no, I'm not yours. I'm not any ones. Y'hear? No ones!" The bag falls the floor in a deflated mess, dust all around as it accepts defeat. I watch it slowly settle as angry tears brim my eyes and begin to fall. But I won't let it win, I won't let this win against me.

I go over to the next punch bag and start again.

"Fuck you and your threats, I'm not about to let another man rule my nightmares. Pathetic. Little. Weasel. Rot in hell. I hope you hit, every damn stone on the way down. You fuck up our mission, get everyone in danger and nearly get the Captian killed. You. Fucking. Moron."

I stop and hug the bag as my muscles scream at me, my knees sag and I fall to the ground, panting heavily. Blood drips from my hand. A chuckle rises up and I let my head hang back as the laughter bubbles tiredly out of my mouth. I know where my mind is going and I can't stop it. It runs full pelt through the locked doors, ripping down the chains and bars till finally I'm stood in front of that burning husk of a house all over again. Embers fly around me and I bid farewell to childhood. The smoke fills my lungs and I can barely see but still I stand and watch. Maybe they'll come out? Maybe this is all a dream? I shudder as the past infects my mind.

"You're fucking dead Vincent and yet here you are, ruling my damned life."

I want to forget this shit. I'm sick of it. I hop up and begin another deluge on the innocent inanimate object. Blood spatters over the bag but I keep going, a deep growl in my chest. This cycle had to end. No one had known, everything had been normal around here. And now suddenly I was turning into that pathetic little girl holding onto ashen cuddly toys. Asking her mother to get up. Asking her to wake up. Asking where she should go. I choke on sobs but keep hitting back, I keep fighting it. And there he is, stood on the other side of the burning house, watching it decay into ash. His dead eyes look at me and I run. I turn tail and vanish into the city where he never finds me again.

"Ha, ha, you didn't like it either did you? I said no to Daddy and Daddy didn't like that. Daddy wanted to treat his big eight year old girl, time to become a real woman. But you showed me right? You gave me my other present, you sliced them up right in front of me and then left me to burn. Ha, ha, what else did I expect? But looks now Daddy, look who's rotting in the ground. I kept my promise to my mother. I. Fucking. Did."

I stop, the bag swings limply and I scream out into the nothingness. It soon turns to laughter though, and I howl into the shadows.

"S-so why is it I can't stop this anger… Did you have to give that to me? Did you have to make me a monster? Did you!?" The dark offers no answer and I cackle away. My mind, body and soul, all aching. "Well I guess… at least I'm a monster killing the other monsters. One by one, they'll fall in the dirt, they'll all fall. I'll fucking win eventually."

I give one last kick as I swing round, sending another punch bag flying across the room to crash into the weights.

"Cadet Sanshi."

I freeze. You have got to be kidding me? My heart hammers in my chest, sweat drips down my forehead and spine, whilst my knuckles seep blood. I look for somewhere to run, I wonder if I can dig straight down through the floor. It can't be that thick. No, there is no escape. He'd just chase me down and kick the shit out of me for being mad again. Finally the echo dies down and I turn to face my Captain with a straight faced salute. I was a mess, but at least I was a ferocious mess? Surely that helped.

"Tomorrow you will meet me for combat training. It's a new month long regime the commander is instating for all the Cadets."

"Sir, you can't fight like tha—"

"Don't fucking interrupt me, brat. I'll be verbally instructing you."

"Yes, sir."

"Now go get cleaned up, you look disgusting."

"Obviously, sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT. I hope you guys are enjoying this, please like, follow or even review. Would really help me know what works and what doesn't. Thanks!
> 
> I know you'll be getting sick of this, but I'm uber pleased with the pic i managed to draw for this chapter. The mission XD I plan to do more for this chapter as its so long, but for now I'm pretty happy! Deviantart id: Frantastic1993 "Mission"


	5. Unhinged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT, I only own the storyline and my OC Robyn. I'm just having fun and hopefully providing some entertainment along the way!
> 
> Please review, follow or favourite if you have the time. And be sure to let me know of any requests. It's good to know what works or what doesn't.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Hand to hand combat is a strength of mine. I know this. But it's been a month, and it's the same thing in and out, all day and well into the night. Captain Levi is relentless in his drilling of me but I figure there must be a reason. Maybe he wants to know I can consistently defend myself. Maybe he doubts my ability as a soldier that much. Understandable, I'd hardly shown myself as capable recently. Everyone who heard about the Jack incident has basically avoided me, not knowing how to act. Except those that know its lucky the boy survived. Eren looked beyond furious when he found out, but he just hugged me tightly, burrowing his head in my shoulder. An adorable idiot he was.

Jack was still in the cells on base, the military police saw it as a minor incident and suggested we put him with the rest of the convicts on site. Quite frankly I don't think they believed the report. The Commander was less than impressed, and whilst I assured him it wasn't an issue, the Commander sent Jack to the cells. Not for my protection, but for Jacks. The Commander was well aware of what might happen if I bumped into the cretinous wanker. And blood was a bugger to clean. I was unable to hold back the hint of pride I felt when the Commander explained this. They were keeping him in the cage, but it was him they were protecting. Every time I think of this I laugh a little. And the Commander groans with a roll of his eyes.

It's a hot day and I peel off my shirt as sweat pours off me. My undershirt is still slightly non-see through, but I'm less concerned about my dignity and more concerned about getting that sopping shirt off me.

Usually the cadets only fight each other, but today, the hottest day for weeks, Captain Levi is in the ring. Bloody typical really. Having been cleared for active duty he seems eager to relieve some stress. Over the course of the day he puts everyone through their paces, testing their skills against his inhumane technique. Now it's my turn – but it has been since noon. I knew he wanted me fit to defend myself, but this was getting both tedious, and annoying, now.

The sun finally bows over the horizon and I feel the heat seep away from the world. Thank fuck. My vest is now also drenched, and I unfortunately can't strip to my bare flesh like the lucky guys. Well I could – but it doesn't seem like the best idea. I'd just end up gaining an unfair advantage. Then again it was the Captain, I doubted such things affected him. I remember his words from the shower room. Don't flatter yourself. But still, I hold onto my dignity and deal with the wet material that clings to my flesh. Ew.

Usually I dominate in this ring and many outright refuse to fight me these days; my main competitors are Mikasa and... well it's just her really. But when fighting someone like Captain Levi, it's hard not to feel completely useless most of the time. Again and again he trips me, flips me, and immobilises me. A new smirk appearing each time for just a second before he quickly looks bored again. Bored of my incompetence. The only thing stopping me yelling at his smirk is the fact I know he's holding back, I know he can hit harder than this. My ribs ache at the memory of how he mangled them. But still I have to beat him. He's shown such investment in me, I don't want to let his perception of potential go unfounded. I get a couple good hits on him though. And he looks just a touch infuriated every time I do. That made up for the otherwise dismal day. Almost.

The stars begin to emerge in the post-twilight sky, and dark clouds have begun to gather. The other trainees are dispersing as the day of training ends. Yet we carry on fighting. He hasn't dismissed me, and I was damned if I was going to ask to stop. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I wait till he makes a dash forwards and duck to grab his leg and try to send him to the floor, but he just kicks off my leg and flips upright before bringing his leg down on my back and sending me into the mud.

"Shit…"

"That's enough Levi." I could have kissed the Commander full on the lips right there and then. If I could see through the mud, or even reach his lips. Damn man was a giant. Although a giant with fabulous eyebrows. I hear his subordinate grunt.

"Commander you put me in charge yes? I'll train my Cadets how I like."

I've cleaned my face on the bottom of my shirt but watch in disbelief as the Commander rolls his eyes and walks away with a shake of his head. Well thanks for nothing blondie! I of course show nothing on my face, except perhaps contempt for this ninja bastard drilling me into the ground. I look after the Commander for a moment, hoping that blonde head will turn round and demand this be finished. I can't admit it, but I'm burning all over, my muscles can't take much more of this. The Captain is a machine, relentless and apparently tireless. But when the Commander doesn't turn round I give in, flick a bit of mud from my shoulder, and continue. I ignore the pain as I focus on my task. But Captain Levi just grabs my foot and swings me round and against the ring barrier which splinters as I smack against it.

"Gah… fuck…" I lean on my knees, and welcome the soft falling of rain, its barely drizzling but it feels amazing as it tickles my searing flesh. I lean back, my spine giving little pops. I wipe blood from my lip and watch him circle me, grey eyes watching intently. What our sweat hadn't already accomplished, the now insistent rain turns the flimsy undervests completely see through.

I become overtly aware of the Captain's state of dress.

He looks like a weapon as the moonlight shines down on him, like the barrel of a gun, loaded and ready to unleash hell. Damn that was distracting. But along with the slight heat running across my cheeks, I consider the cold fact that I clearly still have so much to learn. I look down at myself, I'm lean enough but look more like a cardboard slingshot left out in the rain. Rookie. The man is nothing but muscle. It was stupid really.

"Y'know if you're trying to prove that you're a better fighter than me… Captain… I don't know who you're trying to convince. I know you're better, so why the persistence?"

"Really brat?" He's suddenly out of sparring position, standing tall(ish) and lean against the ring boundary. "You've been holding back the entire day. Don't think I haven't noticed."

I push off my knees, unable to avoid looking at him in disbelief, my breathing still forced.

"Excuse me? Thanks very much, I was giving my best—"

"I've seen your best. That was not it."

The rain gets heavier still and I shake my head, jaw clenched as my teeth are momentarily bared in irritation. He knows what he's asking and I can't believe that he is. I have the Commander in one ear telling me to keep a lid on my rage, and my Captain telling me to unleash the beast? The two needed to make up their collective decision. The Captain folds his arms across his defined chest, tilting his head with an arrogant smirk, grey eyes flashing in the dim light.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, brat."

"So you want me to gouge out your jugular vein and bite off half your ear? Or beat the stuffing out of you and break your seams?" I put my hands on my hips and take note that his eyes give me a quick once over. Something new is in his eyes and I feel a warmth in my gut. This is stupid. I shake my head again and grimace. "No offence meant here, of course, sir. But you're a fucking psycho if you want me to give into that again... All due respect, sir, but I'm done."

Sod not giving him the satisfaction. My pride wasn't worth getting chucked out of the regiment by the Commander. Maybe that was the Captains goal? Get me chucked out and put somewhere safe like the Military police. Not out of concern for my well-being of course, but so he didn't have to babysit me. Yeah, that made sense. Too bad I wasn't up for playing his games.

I jump over the railing but his hand grabs my wrist and holds me where I land.

When the hell did he move across the ring? And without slipping in the mud?

"Don't you want payback, brat?"

I groan, unable to believe he is still going on about that. Ever since he took me down and pinned me to that floor he's felt guilty, it seems ridiculous when applied to the Captain. But his relentless need for me to have my payback? It could only mean that surely. It was stupid and misplaced. It was a good three months of wallowing he'd done by this point. And he has a go at me for guilt tripping? I see it now, it's almost impossible to see but I see it's there for just a lick of an instant.

The shine in his eyes is desperation?

Why they hell does he need my forgiveness so badly? I tug my wrist away from him and shove him back, he doesn't move of course. Brick walls don't yield to brats.

"Now who's wallowing? You did what you had to do, there's no payback, or forgiveness needed."

"Who said anything about forgiveness?" He hops over the fence as I make my way towards the main building. I can hear him coming after me and I quicken my pace, slipping a little in the newly made mud. "Brat stop right there."

"What is this shit...? Sir." I add with a frown, but he just stands there staring. "Seriously? Why're you still pushing this? I need no payback, you only did what you had to do. It hurt like hell but so what? I healed, it's what humans do."

"Who said anything about forgiveness?" He asks again with a weird tone. I tilt my head.

"Isn't that the whole reason behind all this? You looking after me when I was hurt, teaching me since then, helping with my training and all that? Maybe even why you put me on your damned squad?"

"Seriously?"

"Well I don't know, sir! I can read you about as well as I can fight you. But I guess you feel guilt? If you do? Don't. You don't owe me and I don't owe you. Sir."

"You're a fucking moron."

"And you're a fucking maniac." I say it and instantly regret it, his eyes narrow and he marches towards me. I lean back but stand my ground, and prepare for a fresh sending to the ground.

"Yes I am." He growls.

I back away, he matches every step till I'm backed against the wall. His grey eyes are on fire as they remain fixed on mine. He slowly edges in closer. What was he doing? My heart's doing a gallop as I feel his warm breath against my lips, all the while he just stares mercilessly. What the hell is happening? Was he drunk? He doesn't smell drunk, just of him, but musky from training. The warmth returns to my gut. I watch him continue to edge closer, his eyes flickering between my eyes and my lips. This was surreal. Was I drunk? Bit by bit he's getting closer and the wall is hard against my back as I desperately think of what to do. This could only end badly. Either he was having a meltdown and would only recover to kill me, or I was having a meltdown and imagining this whole thing. Was I actually still in the ring, jabbering to myself with mud over my face? Was the breath tickling my lips actually a horse peering down at me, considering the strangeness of humans?

My lips tingle as his breath tickles them.

"Robyn."

He barely whispers it but it makes me shudder nonetheless.

I pinch my arm.

Ow.

Shit. This is real. He's actually doing this. There's a tugging sensation on my heart, it's been there since he trapped me against this damned wall. A kind of gravitational pull, encouraging me to lean in and close, the now, fraction of a gap. I open my mouth to speak, his lips also part as they hover and brush against mine gently, our breath combined. Suddenly he stops, tensing his arms as he leans against the stone. His eyes widen a little, and he seems to stare right through me.

"I-I should've protected you."

What?

"I should've… on the mission… then… then Jack…"

I can't even tell if he's talking to me anymore. Every word brushes against me and I feel myself give into the pull. I don't know if it's to satisfy the ache in my chest, or to try and comfort the wild look in his eyes. But before our lips properly meet he jumps back and I feel the warmth rip away. The pull on my heart gives a sharp wrench and I wince, it's painful dammit. The thirst remains in his eyes but he attempts to recapture his natural expression. Before I can say a word he turns and walks through the door, his jaw and fists tightly clenched.

And he's gone.

I look around and pinch myself again, harder, to the point that I think I may draw blood. I don't wake up in bed? I swallow hard and lean against the wall as the rain pours over me. I'm definitely awake and that was real. Yup, I'm definitely mad.

"The fuck… just happened?" I breathe as I concentrate on the cold of the rain. It helps with the burning hum of my thoughts. What was that maniac up to? Was he trying to give me heart palpitations, I put my hand to my chest and give a soft, shaky laugh. He succeeded. But this made no sense. We were fighting, we were training. So where did that 'almost' kiss come from? Why had he even got that close to me? I'm just a useless brat he's trying to train. My mind fizzes.

Suddenly Hanji appears from round the corner, cloak held over her head as she runs towards me through the mud. Please don't notice me, please? I wonder if the wall wouldn't mind swallowing me up, just for a second. I just need to sort my thoughts out. Somehow. But I'm dealing with a mess beyond comprehension. I've not been knocked through a loop, I've been sent careering through a spiral vortex. She notices and stops, skidding to a halt in front of me with those glasses flashing in the moonlight before it hides behind a cloud. Stupid wall.

"You all right there Robyn? Levi tired you out?"

"Yeah..." I laugh scratching the back of my neck.

"Well come on Kiddo, I'm starving!"

Thankfully her hunger overpowers her curiosity and I follow her inside, knowing she'll only question me if I linger out in the rain instead.

I ignore the overly interested looks of the male soldiers, very much aware that my shirt is still see-through, and head towards Eren's table. There he, Armin, Mikasa and Jean are having coffee together and laughing away. I stride over quickly and sit down, staring at my hands. They're shaking again. I think I'm shivering all over, but that was most likely the cold rain. I feel like asking them if they can see me, do I have two heads?

"Was wondering where you got to, dinner's been cleared away. We did wait but… Robyn?" Mikasa puts a hand on my shoulder and I jump, looking up with a smile. The whole table is watching me closely, taking note of my drenched appearance, looking amongst themselves in concern. To be fair, I had been stranger in front of them. You would think they'd gotten used to such things by now.

"It's fine. I'm fine. Sorry about making you wait…" I shiver and stand up again, "I got distracted with combat training. So sorry. I'm gonna hit the showers… see you tomorrow?"

"Heading to bed so early?" Mikasa frowns, "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah I just want to take a hot shower and get some sleep." I wave and begin to walk away, but pause to look over my shoulder and raise a brow, "Oh and Jean? You're drooling into your coffee."

Coughing and spluttering follows as Eren jabs him in the ribs, and Jean protests that he was doing no such thing. But I just focus on the stairs. The cold stare of Captain Levi is following me through the room from his table, sending fresh goose-bumps over my skin. I can't look over there, not now. I knew exactly what would happen. I'd just march over and demand an explanation. But it wouldn't matter, he'd just sit there and look at me with those unreadable gimlets. I'd stand there like a fool, the Commander simply thinking me madder than he already does. Was that possible? Probably.

What a fine mess Captain Levi, congrats, you prat. Your already unhinged soldier, is now clinging by her fingertips to what little sense she has remaining. It just made no damned sense, he had never even looked at me in a way to suggest that those kind of feelings were there. For goodness sake the man had never looked at anyone to suggest he was even capable of such feelings. He never even looked like he had a good day, let alone a boner.

I'd always heard the stories about his feelings for Petra, but whenever her name was spoken I saw little to no reaction. As far as I was aware the man was a robot. A very fine looking robot, but still, a robot.

So why had he said my name like that, and leaned in that way? I shiver but not from the cold, but instead the warmth that returns to my stomach. Why do I keep feeling that? Ugh, it was pathetic. And why was I moron? I recall his phrase and feel my pride bluster. Why was I supposed to be a moron? Because I didn't know why he had trained me? He's my damned superior officer, in charge of training. It was safe to assume he was following his job description, not his suddenly lust filled mind? I frown as I turn on the shower. Lust filled mind?

I stand under the hot water and hope this nonsense will be washed down the drain too.

I stand in my room at the window as I dry my hair, watching the passing clouds after having washed the day away. The rain's finally stopped and a few stars can be seen. What fools we must look like to anything looking down on us. Little insects crawling around with nothing better to do than bicker. Well… when we're not running away from the bigger insects trying to eat us for the fun of it. I run my hands through my freshly dry hair and take a long and deep breath, the air is fresh from the rain. It feels beautiful to breathe it. This is a ridiculous world for ridiculous people. I touch my lips and shudder, before slamming my fist onto the window sill and clenching my jaw. I wasn't about to be turned into some drooling moron because some man, with a six pack and alluring stare, gives me a peck on the mouth. No sir. My mouth tingles and I bite down hard.

What a prat.

Me or him?

I slam the sill again, both.

There's a knock at my door and I hold the sill tightly. He wouldn't. I realise I hadn't locked my door as the handle squeaks round and the hinges groan. This had better be Hanji wanting a last minute vent about her research, or Mikasa being overly concerned, or even Jean getting 'lost' again. If I see that stoic face and stormy eyes I was going to lose it.

I now wish I was wearing more than my shirt.

I had at least put on knickers.

Thank the Gods.

But then again I was just flattering myself right? His words. Ugh this man needed a slap.

"Robyn."


	6. Let's Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT.
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying the story, I know I'm enjoying writing it!
> 
> Warning: the M rating is definitely applicable to this chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Leave a review or anything, love to hear from people! Can't believe I'm almost at 300 views, didn't really expect any in all honesty, so thanks again.

"Robyn."

The shudder runs up my spine and tingles in my brain. I grip the sill stronger, the wood creaks. There's a weird silence again, but I'm refusing to break it. Oh, no. He could fucking do that. Despite my lack of clothing I knew I could still take him. If he had suddenly decided I'd acted out instead of himself, and wanted to reprimand me. Truth be told, I didn't know what to expect. He was clearly insane. And coming from me, that was not a good sign. I peer over the sill. I could jump out the window? It's only a couple stories up. Its muddy down there too, squishy, it'd be a soft landing.

"I'm sorry. It was unprofessional."

Unprofessional. Unprofessional?! Understatement of the damned century.

I try and hold my tongue, but its like a toddler having a tantrum, it wanted to be heard. Balls.

"What exactly was the game?" I turn to him and he remains stoic. No expression at all. I feel like I may as well be confronting a cabbage. A well-toned cabbage who always smelt like tea. But a cabbage nonetheless. When no answer comes, I march over and jab him in the chest. As short as everyone joked he was, he's still an inch or more, taller than me. Damn my genetics. "What was meant to happen Captain?"

"I don't know."

"Was I meant to fall to my knees and beg for more? Hm?"

"Listen brat, I just—"

"Ooh no you don't," I slap him and he scowls at me, left side of his mouth lifted slightly into a snarl. It only makes me want to slap him again in all honesty. But I just jab his chest again. "You don't get to call me brat right now, fuck that. You just what?"

"I don't know."

The snarl fades and I feel my patience thin. If he expects me to fill in the blanks till I create a scenario he decides fits best, it wasn't going to work. The silence sits there and I decide to break its neck.

"Well look, sir. I won't be following you round begging for attention like some mongrel you give a treat. Sorry, dunno if it works on the other girls, but I'm not about to be swayed by a man with a big reputation and a handsome face."

I immediately regret mentioning his looks when his eyes flash to my lips, but I continue nonetheless.

"I'm not your plaything."

"I know that you idiot." He rolls his eyes and I make to slap him again, sick of him calling me names. Especially when it's him being such a moron. But he grabs my wrist and the snarl almost returns. His grip is tight and I fight against it. "Slap me again and I'll slap back a lot harder."

"Stop belittling me then. It's you standing there with your tail between your legs, not me, so don't patronise me."

He releases my arm and pinches the bridge of his nose. I look upwards and ask for some patience as I am in short supply. The silence sidles back into the room and I take a long, deep, and soothing breath in. Calm it Sanshi. I can see this is causing him issue, the man's face is actually showing shades of emotion. But what 'it' is that's actually causing the issue, remains a mystery. I don't like mysteries. They're annoying. But as he struggles to respond I run my hands through my hair and breathe out heavily. The fury is melting away, only leaving me confused and still dazed by it all.

"What do you want Captain?"

I sit down on my bed and hold his gaze as he seems to search for the words. Then the pacing begins. I somehow knew pacing would happen, but as it continues well into the fifteen minute mark I reach out and grab his wrist, for the sake of my floorboards more than anything. And it was very annoying. He looks down at my hand and frowns. I let go and hang my head, waving my hand to allow him to pace again if he should so wish.

Instead he kneels down in front of me. At least it wasn't pacing? I raise my head and feel myself do a small double-take. He's looking up at me with something lingering in the grey storms of his eyes. I stare and eventually comprehend it as something like… no… it can't be fear surely? I know I had bad days, but surely me in little clothing wasn't that terrifying? Then I realise its apprehension. He's nervous?

The buzz in my mind returns.

He looks completely lost, and for Captain Levi that made about as much sense as the rain falling upwards. I felt like I should hold him. Who was this man suddenly at my feet? I was very glad I'd cleaned properly, or this would likely turn into a scolding about my dust bunnies.

I make myself focus, but don't push him. I was a little unhinged, but I wasn't suicidal. I never know what to expect with him when he's normal, when the main variation is a smirk or raise of his brow. But now? I feel like if I move too suddenly he'll start swinging. He parts his lips to speak but falters a little. I attempt a very gentle smile, hopefully reassuring him I'm in no hurry. Although I can't imagine why I would be, I don't even have trousers on.

"I want…" He looks down momentarily and chuckles, I grip the mattress, that sound was beyond weird. It was lovely, but it was weird to hear for the first time. "It's been a very long time since someone asked me that. It's always duty around here."

He looks up with a frown, as though trying to figure me out as I sit and stare back at him. I don't know if I'm meant to respond, and if I am, I have no idea how to. It's a tense silence but the weirdness is slipping away with each moment. Am I relaxing? This should be awkward as hell, I should be attempting to jump from the window. But I'm not. I find myself suddenly perfectly happy, sitting here, and finding where this leads.

I sigh and rub my temples. Trying to silence my incessant mind. I'd attempt a response.

"Well I'm asking. Feel like answering?"

Despite my better judgement my lips pull into a broad smile. Did I just hear the breath catch in his throat? This situation made no sense to me. He's still studying me, more confusion in his face as the seconds slip by.

"What do you want Captain?"

"I… I want to feel."

He raises his brows whilst sitting back a little. As though he's only realised this himself. I also sit back a bit, looking him up and down suspiciously, legs turned away slightly.

"We talking emotions, or groping…? Distinction is important Captain."

He laughs.

Not a snigger, or chuckle, a proper laugh, and I am fascinated by the low notes as they rise out of him and a smile creases his eyes. The pull on my heart returns with a vengeance and I nearly topple to the floor with it. The robot was falling apart to reveal a human being. This was too weird, I pinch my leg a little. I'm still awake.

"Indeed it is. I had meant emotionally. Though something other than pain on a physical level would be welcomed."

"And um… why is it you seem to think I'm the one to help you?" Even I notice the shred of hope in my voice and I feel my cheeks turn pink, I cringe and again he laughs. The warmth inside me returns stronger each time he does so. I really wish I was able to play this situation smoothly, but my goof is on centre stage.

"Why?"

"Yah."

"How the hell am I meant to know Sanshi? This is new territory for me."

"Well I certainly don't, do I?"

"Does it really matter why?" He looks to the side, fidgeting with his cravat before removing it and loosening his collar. I stare at the pale flesh of his throat, its smooth as he breathes a little freer.

I take a moment and shrug, I suppose he's right, why didn't really matter. But then his hand is on mine and I jump a little.

"But it does matter if… well… if you're willing to help me try?"

"I'm always willing to help, anyone at any time, you know that Captain."

His smile fades and he looks to the side again, and I think I see a blush attempt to break through. He thinks I'm pitying him. I suppose I might be. Like he said, this is new territory. I have no more clue than he does.

I slide off the bed to sit on my knees in front of him, and tap the side of his face to make him look at me. Again the breath catches in his throat and this time I feel a small thrill. There's cracks appearing in the brick wall and I'm peering through. It's fascinating.

I lean in and he's frozen in place, grey eyes watching me as I inch closer.

"Don't, unless it's really what you want."

"Like you could ever make me do something I don't want to do…" I whisper and his eyes narrow at the challenge. I can only hear my heartbeat and our breathing as I lean in, his breath is warm. Like before. I hover over his lips with my own, and hold his gaze. This isn't pity. I know that now. "What do you want Captain?"

He closes the gap and I feel like lightening just struck me, straight through my heart. I hate admitting it, such a sensation leads to danger. But as our lips move together I feel the anger inside me dying away, fading like blood in the rain. His tongue slowly runs along my bottom lip, cautiously. I smile and part my lips, my tongue meeting his. He tastes too good, salty and sweet at the same time. His hand holds the nape of my neck, pulling me closer till I'm almost in his lap. I try to fight it but a small moan escapes me. I assume he likes the noise as his kiss becomes hungrier, he lies back and pulls me with him, before rolling over and pressing his firm body against me, slowly moving his lips down my neck and along my collar bone.

"Robyn…" his breaths are husky and I shudder. His kisses slow as he makes his way back up my neck before he sits up on his knees that straddle my hips and almost grins. There's a moment when his eyes just stare, drinking in every detail as they shift across my face and then my body. I hope he likes what he sees, I can't really change anything by this point though. "Thank you."

"Y-your welcome… but don't act like I did it as a favour." I laugh and he bends down and gives me a gentle kiss before raising again to let our nose-tips touch. I cover my face as another blush threatens. What the hell was going on? I feel like a fool. He takes each finger in turn and pries it away, eyes glinting.

"Stop hiding that ridiculous face." I look at him with a raised brow and he rolls his eyes, standing up and pulling me with him. "It's called a compliment try taking it?"

"That an order Captain?" I say, raising my brow again. He carefully holds onto my chin and looks deep into my eyes. Another kiss is pressed to my lips and feel the thrum in my chest quicken.

"No. Here I'm not your Captain." He pushes my hair back from my face and runs a finger down my jaw, neck and lingers over my chest. His eyes follow his finger and I take a deep breath.

"No, I suppose not." I smile widely. "Levi."

As it passes my lips, his eyes close and a broad smiles lights up his face in the dim light. Damn he was beautiful when he smiled.

"Say it again."

I lean in and put my mouth next to his ear, with my hands on his chest.

"Levi." I whisper with a small giggle escaping. His hands wind round my torso and pull me closer, and I gently nibble at his ear, my breath slightly ragged as my heart gallops away. "Levi."

There's a need in my voice. A weird kind of desperation that has never been there before. We both freeze as this sinks in. Did his hands just shake? My hands begin to push against his chest. This is dangerous. The image of him in that Titan's hand flashes before my eyes, his head lolling forward, blood trickling past his pale lips. I shiver and look at him as he watches me, eyes searching for a solution.

I remember his pleading, he wanted to feel, but what if all I accomplish is creating pain? I can't guarantee that I'll be good enough to survive. I can't make any promises. And then he'll potentially risk himself like the fool I feared he was. Were these feelings why he went into danger on that mission? Had this already caused him physical pain?

I back away, shaking my head. This can only end in pain, blood and fire. He takes a staggered step towards me and I stumble against the door, sliding to the floor where I put my head in my hands, still shaking it from side to side. This was me being selfish. That was all this was. I was meant to be here to help humanity fight; not rid it of its strongest soldier.

"I can't do this." I choke out. He approaches slowly, and I hold my knees to my chest, the anger begins to build again as I lose that warmth. It's slipping away like everything else. "No… I can't do this to you. I just…—"

"You just what?" And there he is, in front of me, hand on my knee. Where the hell did his fear go? "You can't do what to me?"

"You know what." I suck my breath through my teeth. "You froze just as much as I did, you know where this leads."

"I know." We lock our gazes. "But I can't stand in the doorway much longer."

"What?"

"I've been looking for a way in since that mission. There'd been something there since that day of training…"

"You mean when I carried Sandra back?"

"It might've always been there. I guess it must've been… but you had a cut on your hand and I felt something. It made no damn sense, you were fine, I knew that, but still… It was only on the mission, when you almost… but I got you out. Fuck, I felt relief for the first time in years."

"Yeah and got yourself grabbed, you idiot."

"Didn't matter." He snarls angrily, "I finally had a reason to fucking fight. Damn it you brat, don't act like you don't know what that feels like. Your entire reason for living was that promise to your mother. I know it was."

"Because you eavesdropped on me."

I put my head against the door and watch him narrow his eyes. I can tell he knows what I'm doing, but that isn't about to stop me trying. I begin to raise the walls around my heart, and my resolve. They're fucking heavy and I'm screaming inside against the weight of them. But they'll go up dammit. I will not be this selfish. I will not give in to such juvenile whims. And hormones. Raging, aching, whimpering hormones.

"I don't have that promise anymore Captain. All I have is killing, it's efficient and it's logical."

"It's also not living." His snarl widens and his teeth glint, I feel fear tingle in my spine but I keep my expression blank. His own medicine was stinging, I could tell as he searches for my emotion. "Damn it brat you can't do it. The anger's still there, doesn't matter how much you kill, how many you slice into, it'll still burn."

"Your point?"

"Let me burn with you." He growls and I feel my pulse quicken, my walls quiver as I try and put them in place. So close. He punches the door next to my head and I swallow hard as he pushes my hands away from my knees, and shifts till he's in between my legs, hands on mine by my side as he waits. His mouth is only a breath away from mine. "It's stupid and I'm not promising it's a good idea but fuck it. I want to live whilst helping everyone else do that. Those bureaucratic maggots get to live, they have families and get to live normal lives, damn it. Why don't we? Because we're fighting back? Fuck that."

I look down at his lips. I know that if I give into this it's past the point of no return. I wait, and I hope, but it's no fucking use.

The walls crumble away as I blink slowly and meet his eyes intently.

"Then let's burn."

I shove my lips against his and we share a moan as he wrenches me up and wraps my legs round his waist. My hands tangle in his hair and he slams me against the door, I pull his head back and kiss down his neck, my teeth dragging and nipping. I rip his shirt open and let my hands roam over his firm chest and round to his strong back, biting down on his shoulder. He groans and begins to undo my shirt, only my legs holding me up as he does so, planting a kiss on each inch of skin he reveals. I let my arms drop so the shirt falls away before grabbing the back of his head as I devour him and he devours me, our teeth gnashing together as we hungrily need each other more and more.

"Levi…" I gasp between kisses and another growl rumbles in his chest before he throws me onto the bed, wrenches the remainder of his shirt over his head and climbs on top of me, one hand tangled in my hair and the other holding himself up so there's space between our bodies whilst we kiss deeply. I reach up and trace his face, letting my hands slide down his neck, chest and sculpted stomach, lingering just above his belt. I let my nails drag a little across his skin. He moans as we kiss, and I take the opportunity to knock his supporting arm and flip us over. I straddle him as the kiss continues, hands back to their dance above his belt, occasionally dipping below, between the fabric and his hot skin.

"What're you waiting for?" He rasps and I smile, meeting his eyes with a devious look. "Shit… look at you…"

I lower till my lips graze his, letting my tongue trace his mouth lightly.

"What do you want Levi?"

"You." I run my nails along the belt line and he gasps, before looking at me with fire. "Now."

I undo the belt and pop the button. I kiss down his chest, along his stomach and take the zipper in my teeth to drag it back. He lays his head back with a breathless grunt. Only now do I fully appreciate the tightness of his trousers. I rise again to kiss him, my hand tracing the bulge. With each touch his hands pull my head closer, his teeth catching my tongue and lips.

He's desperate.

"Nngh…" He breathes as I slip my hand into his underwear and take a firm hold of him. I slowly stroke up and down, fascinated by his face as he leans his head back, and bites his lip with closed eyes. He was so open to me, he was getting lost in sensation and it was beautiful.

As fun as it is to know my power over him, I feel the ache deep within me and let my lacking patience take over. I pull his boots off and trousers with underwear in two swift moves. With this release his eyes snap open and he flips me underneath him, tears my underwear away effortlessly and pushes my left leg up. Slowly he runs his hand along the inside of my thigh. I can't help but whimper as I feel his hot desperation as he presses our bodies together. He feels like fire as the seconds slip by, his hand gradually reaching the same point before he gently strokes. But as he feels how ready I am for him, his own patience gives out. I feel a twinge of pain as he fills me up, but I only want more when he pauses and strokes my cheek softly, waiting for me to look at him. As the twinges die down I manage to open my eyes and meet his worried gaze.

"I'm not hurting you am I?"

"No… you're just driving me mad." I breathe, my eyes rolling back as he moves further in and I finally feel him fully pressed against me. He chuckles and begins to kiss my neck as he slowly pulses in and out of me, electrifying me with each movement. I kiss his neck also, letting my teeth nip at his pale skin as he licks under my jaw. Soon though the electricity buzzes at the base of my spine, aching impatiently as he carefully holds himself back. I can feel the tension in his muscles as he slowly grinds against me. He's so frightened of hurting me. I run a hand down to rest it on the small of his back, he tenses and I gasp as he does the same inside me.

"Levi I'm not going to break you know." I chuckle, "Stop holding back."

"I don't want to hur—"

"Let me help you feel." I pull him down to kiss him deeply, grinding my hips up against him, making him moan loudly. I pull his head back and grin. "I did say don't patronise me didn't I?"

And with those words he gives in, a new kind of snarl warping his lips as he rests against my shoulder and quickens his pace, he throbs inside me as he hammers away. The electricity shorts out inside me and I feel it zip through every nerve, setting fire to my entire being as my back arches and I feel his name rip out of my mouth as he kisses and licks my stomach. This only makes him go harder and faster, panting my name as his hand hitches my hips upwards and I begin to match his movements, rolling my hips in time with his.

"Nngh… Yes… Robyn… mm!" He bites down on his lip but can't stop, his shoots upright, movements frantic against me till finally his back arches, his entire body rigid. The fire explodes inside me and I grab his arm that holds my hips in place, my nails digging in as I try and not scream the building down. There's a moment of beautiful clarity as I watch the muscles beneath his skin flex. Sweat drips down his stomach, a painting of strength and his arms are great bands of power. Holy shit, I'd been fucked by a god.

The heat begins to die away, leaving smoking embers within me as he slowly bends back over me, eyes searching my face.

"Are you all right?" He pants, releasing my hips to cup my face, sweet breath ragged as his heart audibly pounds. I draw a deep breath and lick my lips to smile, he watches my tongue and absentmindedly licks his own. "Robyn?"

"Mm… yes… Levi I'm…" I laugh, my entire body shuddering as euphoria clouds me, "I'm probably the happiest I've been in long, long time… and fucking exhausted."

He sighs and lies down next to me, facing me as his hand runs down my jaw line, playing with my lips as I continue to beam at him. I think back to when I'd met him, his stoic face as he addressed me as a new recruit. I only saw the legend then, and now I was seeing the man. The warmth in my gut flares as I see sleepiness enter his eyes and his lids begin to flicker. I remind myself that this was probably only fucking. He'd been concerned about hurting me this time, but for all the man knew I was a virgin. I was far from that, but still, I wasn't going to let myself look any deeper into this situation than necessary. We lived in a dangerous world, but this would provide a small slice of solace, and fun. That was what I would focus on. That was what we needed.

Slowly I pull the sheets up and let sleep take us as we lie in the aftermath of a fresh blaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm okay! Never written 'smut' before so i hope it was good? Without sounding weird... ugh nevermind. But I'd decided that with trying Fanfiction I'd try other areas of writing I previously hadn't, for instance 1st person POV and well... smut. So yeah, if you have time to leave a review please do. Thanks, Fran.


	7. Trust Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own AOT.
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying the story, I know I'm enjoying writing it!
> 
> Warning: the M rating is definitely applicable to this chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and thanks to all that have left a review so far, I love hearing from you. So if you have the time, feel free.

My skin is hot, and I jolt awake as I imagine the heat from a Titan's flesh bearing down on me. But as I stare around, letting my flickering eyes adjust to what is my sunlit quarters I relax. Just a nightmare. I look to my left and jolt again slightly. And then I smile with slight disbelief. He's still here, it wasn't some strange delusional dream. His eyes are closed in sleep, lying on his front with his arms under the pillow. It wasn't a dream? I put a hand to my mouth. Holy shit this was real. I turn over to face him. Everything is so defined, each band of muscle prominent and smooth. Scars cover his flesh and only intensify his odd beauty. I hear him mumble slightly, and I retract my finger from tracing his many scars. There's a crease between his brows, and a slight part to his lips, like something was wrong. I feel ice nip my insides as I watch his eyes roll left and right, his arms flexing occasionally. I feel I should wake him but am hypnotised in place. It was probably one of the most human versions of him I'd ever seen. Or anyone else had for that matter. His lips begin to mutter something; frantic and coarse.

"Run. Just… just fucking run… please… get out… please…" I wonder if he's dreaming of his past, or if it's just another mission. I couldn't count how many times I'd relived past missions, and I knew I could scarcely imagine all the horrors he had to relive nightly. Humanities strongest, and most broken. Suddenly he tenses, his entire body is rigid and his teeth shine as he clenches them against what looks like hot pain. I flinch a little. "Robyn-just-run…"

My hand shakes as I reach out and gently run a hand through his hair, trying to carefully wake him as he relives our last mission. But it doesn't quite go to plan.

"You bastard." He hisses, eyes snapping open with fury. There is no reason or sight there as he lunges up in one swift motion, pinning me to the wall by my throat, thumb perfectly placed to shove my jaw up and block off my breathing. His other hand at my stomach as though shoving a knife in there. Thankfully there wasn't one, so he was just punching me instead. So not much better. He really was a weapon, coiled to kill at any moment. My head smacks against the stone with a loud crack, and I feel consciousness slip. The hold on my throat is loosened as my head lolls forward, and I feel frantic hands lay me back down, a slightly sleepily panicked voice echoing in my ears.

"R-Robyn...? Robyn! Wake up… shit… what have I done? Wake up, dammit!"

I take a hold on my consciousness and drag myself back, squeezing the hand that holds mine. That bloody hurt, but I wasn't going to guilt trip. I think I feel cool lips press against my hand, but I am probably imagining it. Eventually I gain control of my eyes and force them open. I look up at him and smile, his face quickly returning to its usual stoic self once he sees I'm alright.

I reach up to stroke his face tenderly, but quickly punch him on the arm to send him toppling to the floor in a heap. Take that ya prick. He stares up at me with widened eyes and I rub the back of my head, maintaining my smile all the while.

"Should've guessed you weren't used to actually sleeping with someone…" there's no blood, I've double checked that, but there will be a bugger of a lump there later. A smile breaks through his panic and he climbs back into the bed, carefully planting a kiss on my forehead. "I couldn't just watch you have a nightmare though. I'm sorry you had to relive that."

"I'm sure you have your fair share of nightmares."

"I think we all do."

I lean back against the head board and tug the sheets up to cover my chest as I look at him warmly. This would either be very awkward, or oddly natural. As he sits in my sheets I'm verging to natural, which in itself disturbs me a little. He's staring at the hand that was gripping my throat, looking a little confused. I wonder who he thought I was. Surely not the Titan? You don't throttle and stab a Titan, Captain, you idiot. Maybe that's why he's confused? I push the mystery from my mind and tap his hand to make him look up at me. He does, and he's as unreadable as ever.

"So you're not wracked with regret in the bright light of the day, Captain?"

"Regret?" He repeats it and grimaces. "What a stupid idea."

"Hm… glad you see you haven't turned into a sap."

"Not in my nature."

"Good. Now then…" I sit up and watch him scan me, expression unreadable, "What exactly is… this? Without sounding like some little girl scrawling your name over my diary, but as I said last night, distinction is important." He scans me a little longer, eyes narrowing a fraction before he takes a deep breath and sighs heavily.

"Am I allowed to say I don't know?"

"Of course, but I'm also allowed to find that incredible irritating…"

"Fair enough."

"Not that I have an answer myself… shall we say for now we're comrades with benefits? And also, shall we say for now, that we this is kept between us? I'm not sure this is technically allowed? I'm not sure, I've never read that part of the rulebook, is there one for this I mean—"

He kisses me and rolls his eyes before getting up and tugging on his trousers.

"You ramble."

"You grunt." I snigger and watch him as he pulls on his shirt, hurriedly tucking it in and loosely tying his cravat. I know why he's hurrying, he doesn't want to be late for breakfast and raise suspicion. My mind has already realised this. And yet I feel insecure? Fuck, I hate being a woman sometimes. Or was this just me? I couldn't really tar my whole gender with this nonsense. I twiddle my fingers together and tilt my head at him.

"Levi?"

"Robyn."

"At risk of sounding like an idiot once again… this wasn't just some rite of passage for you was it? I mean, I'm not demanding I be your soul mate or anything, but I'm not just a name being ticked off a list am I?"

He pauses and I raise a brow.

"Trust me, sir. If that is what just happened, you won't be crossing off anymore names."

He finishes smoothing down his hair and considers me carefully. Slowly he walks back over, taps my chin to bring my face upwards, kisses me, playfully slaps my cheek and heads for the door.

"You are the list, idiot. So there's no need to chop my dick off."

"Glad to hear it, sir. Such a thing can be very messy."

He pauses before disappearing, a smirk fixed in place.

"Get downstairs for breakfast Sanshi, before someone comes searching for you."

"Yes, sir."

I stand at the top of the stairs, the mess hall chatter rising to meet me. A few recruits go by me, sleepily mumbling to each other as they descend. I take a deep breath and smile. Whatever the hell it was that was going on between me and Levi, it was good for the moment; that was what was important. It wasn't the romance of the century, and in truth I wasn't sure if it really counted as a romance at all. But then again, who cares? It felt good for me, and from th e joises he'd been making, I guessed it had been good for him. Two people, enjoying themselves and working through some stress. Perfectly natural. I grin a little, and pretty fucking hot too.

I go and sit with Eren etc. and sip my coffee, looking round the table at my technical superiors, but my real friends. Jean is blushing a little, giving me nervous glances, when I catch him he blushes a little deeper and I give him a kind smile. It's a compliment, nothing more, but I know how he worries about it since the Jack 'incident'. His eyes lose their anxiety and he returns the smile, a small nod before returning to his breakfast. What a fool. I play with my food a little and pick at it, I've never been big on eating breakfast, and with no mission looming I feel no need to fight that today.

Everyone has plans for their day of leave. After the Commander's month long training regime it was thankfully time to recharge a bit. Armin and Connie are going to do some runs in the forest, checking both the gear and themselves. I think Mikasa is doing combat training with Eren and Jean. I swirl my coffee and wonder what I'll do. I'm not really in the mood for combat training, in fact I don't really understand how Mikasa can be. I chance a look over to the superiors table and feel a little fizz in my head as Levi looks my way for a second before returning to his conversation, holding his coffee cup a little tighter. My mind had been wandering to last night, had his? I grin into my cup.

Just then Hanji turns round and beams at me. Oh shit what now?

"Hey Robyn! Eren!" we both flinch as she drapes her arms round us and squishes us to her face. We mumble our questions but she just squeezes again and squeals. "Would you two be willing to help me out? Your good pal Hanji?"

I pull away and share a look with Eren, he looks up at Hanji and then back to me with a shrug. I sigh and consider that it can't be too bad if I'm involved, plus I'll be able to step in if she gets carried away with Eren. It wasn't that she was sadistic, she was just passionate. I also knew she just wanted to help mankind deep down. As well as her strange obsession with our enemy. But mainly helping mankind. I think.

We agree to help. She gives another squeal before running off, shouting at us to meet her in her 'lab' as soon as we're done with breakfast. I look at the table, then at Eren who is frowning, looking a little nervous.

"It might be fun?" I say with another shrug.

"It might be." He says looking to me and pursing his lips. I nudge him and smile.

"I'm sure it'll be fine." I then drain my cup and stand up, "I'm gonna go enjoy the sunshine before we end up trapped in that lab all day. Just come meet me when you're done?" I ruffle his hair and walk away, again aware of Levi watching me as I go. I resist looking at him, don't want people wondering why I keep glancing at him. Plus I can just close my eyes and replay memories. But then I have to battle a blush. God damn it, I had to admit the distraction was fun.

It's a beautiful day and I lie down on the grass between the main hall and the outhouse that acts as Hanji's lab. The slight breeze shifts my hair and I breathe in the quiet. About twenty minutes passes by as I watch a few wisps of cloud dance across the blue. What on earth was Hanji wanting us for? I sighed, whatever it was, Eren had best not take too much longer, or else she'd be dragging us both inside with a shriek in our ears. It was too nice a day for that. So peaceful.

The grass tickles my ears and neck and I smile as my mind drifts back to simpler times. Moments such as these were rare and I could almost pinpoint every one I'd ever had. The last summer I had with my mother had been particularly fine, regular trips to the meadows with her and my brother. It was good to appreciate the outside world, or what little we had of it, my mother always said that. She had been a strange woman; so insightful and strong, and yet totally moronic when it came to loving the monster who would eventually kill her. I shift my weight and move away from the dark memory, today is about sunlight, not shadow. I laugh as I remember running through a crop field with Keza, our hair flailing behind us as we dragged our hands along the fluffy heads of the crop. The angry shouts of the farmer echoing as we twirled and skipped. Simpler times. Then again not always. Again I shift away from the shadow and concentrate on the sun kissing my face.

"What did shitty glasses want?" I jump at Levi's voice and support myself on my arms as he sits down next to me, cup of coffee in hand.

"Sorry, sir. Was a million miles away." He narrows his eyes but continues to look into his coffee cup. "She asked me and Eren to help her out with something. No idea what though."

"And you agreed?" He raises a brow, looking straight ahead. I lie back to see a bird skirt by, and I quickly thank it internally for not shitting on me. That would've been awkward.

"It can't be that bad, sir, not if I'm involved. She knows I'm not a Titan healing machine." I chuckle but he still seems unhappy, so I decide to change the subject a bit. "What're you doing today? Besides nursing that coffee."

"We're moving Jack." His eyes flick down to me, before returning to the horizon when I make no reaction other than a raising of my brows. "Commander wants him kept somewhere not as accommodating as our cells."

"The hell does that mean?"

"They're too nice for Jack apparently. I agree of course. Not that I think we should be containing him. We should be flogging him."

"He's a drunken piece of shit, but there's no need to continue your assault on his nether regions. He didn't even—"

"Because you fought back as hard as you did." He snaps and I sigh, unable to argue. "Fuck knows what he'd have done if you hadn't."

I can hear a flicker of his anger in his voice, but he remains as unreadable as ever to me. I wonder if that'll ever change. Then again, I'd certainly seen under the mask last night and this morning. If I only got to see that behind closed doors, I could live with that. It was clear he was a passionate man, but also shit scared of showing it to anyone. Did someone witnessing his passion make it harder to move past when that person was gone? I wonder how many times he's had to shake hands with Death, saying farewell to those he cares about. Far too many from the looks of his unyielding demeanour. Then again that was the point in last night, to let him feel something other than loss and pain. I smile a little as I consider how I may have helped him. He was a good man, he deserved what little reprieve he could get. I mean, he was still an asshole, and a completely emotionless tool-bag. But, underneath there was goodness.

"I may leave Erwin to shift him. I might do something I won't regret." Again there's a flicker of anger in his voice.

"Where they moving him?"

"You'll be safe."

"Oh I'm well aware, but y'know, in case I need a new punching bag." I lie back with a laugh. "I am joking."

"I wouldn't mind if you weren't." A hand grazes my cheek and I lean into it a little.

"I know. So… what're your plans for tonight?"

"Greedy, brat." I sit up and frown at his slight smirk. Dirty bastard.

"I actually meant we could just… I dunno… talk? Maybe get a bottle of wine?" He sips his coffee, did I see a twinge of a blush? I think I'm trying too hard to read him. "Of course if anything else should happen, wouldn't be the end of the world but—"

"What wouldn't be?" Eren nudges my back with his boot. I jump up and brush myself down.

"They're moving Jack, I was just saying it wouldn't be the end of the world if he slipped and cracked his face off the steps on his way." I surprise myself at the ease of creating the lie, but the Captain just looks ahead.

"How good of you to interrupt, Jeager."

"S-sorry sir…" he blushes, saluting. But the Captain doesn't look round, reacting no further, just torturing Eren as usual. Damn, statues fidgeted more than Levi. He'd have to teach me that, it was a great trick.

"Shall we?" Eren grunts before sighing and nodding towards the lab.

"Sure, good day Captain."

He raises his cup but doesn't look away from the horizon. I walk with Eren towards the lab and he puts a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. I look to him with a frown and he glances back at the Captain. I don't react on the surface, but internally I flinch, surely Eren hasn't guessed. He knew me well but surely not that well? I liked to think I was a little more elusive than a pop-up book.

"Did the Captain just want to warn you about them moving Jack?" Phew.

"Yeah, he's just being paranoid. But I'm fine Eren, really."

"I don't doubt it. Just making sure he wasn't having a go at you for beating the crap out of Jack when you did. Seems like the kind of thing the Captain would do. He's such an ass at times. Ugh, come on, there she is… damn, she looks pissed."

"You two are to go to Erwin's office." Hanji whines tapping her foot.

"Oh, so no—"

"We'll do it another day guys, don't you worry!" She blurts out with an excited grin, "Erwin is just pulling rank on me. Some kind of new thing he wants to try out. Or something… oh I dunno, but it's so typical of him! I had you two all to myself and now… oh just go." She dramatically throws her hand towards the building and recedes into the dankness of her lab. Me and Eren both gie little waves to the closing door, before turning to walk a little faster than necessary towards the Commanders office.

I glance over and see that Levi is still sipping his coffee. What was this going to be about?

Eren knocks on the door and the Commander calls for us to enter. We do so and sit down as he gestures to the seats in front of his desk. Without a word. I sit down and share a little scared look with Eren, were we in trouble for something? Between Hanji's frantic expressions and wailing rambles I hadn't really caught the explanation.

We wait whilst he takes notes, sorts files and does some more signing of documents. I'm tempted to ask what he wants, but I know I'll only get a frown before he carries on. So I wait, not looking to Eren who is staring straight ahead, bolt upright and ever the faithful solider. I couldn't understand his patience. I sit back and cross my legs, leaning my chin on my hand as I look to the window. I wished the stars were visible during the day, the blue was beautiful, but oddly bland sometimes. My mind begins to wander back to last night's star filled sky, so crisp after the rain. A heat passing over my lips and I quickly pinch my leg. This was so not the place to reminisce about that.

Finally the Commander sets his stuff aside and clasps his hands, resting his chin there as he looks between us, seeming to search for his words. I feel like pointing out he might remember them if he hadn't made us wait three decades. But I hold my tongue.

"I've called you two here today to talk about a new initiative I'm planning on introducing." I cringe back a little, not another month long session of training? It had been brilliant for those in need of improvement but for us perfectly capable, it was plain exhausting.

"N-new initiative sir?" stuttered Eren when the Commander paused, giving Eren a very odd look. I understood Eren's reservations about the blonde man. After all he had willingly let Levi kick the living shit out of him, and kept him in the dark for a long time about the Female Titan. I knew Eren trusted Erwin, but I also knew he feared him. The protective side of my nature suddenly kicked in, I sat up and angled myself towards the Titan-shifter. Why were we here? Why only us two? My mind flicks back to Hanji, was this to do with her? Finally the Commander sits back, setting his hands behind his head as he decides to enlighten us. Finally.

"It has come to my attention that whilst out on patrol, when a commanding officer, be it a squad leader or simply a superior, gets hurt, the newer recruits panic. They do not trust in each other as much as their superiors. This is something I wish to resolve."

"Please tell me we aren't going to spend the month falling back into each other's arms with our eyes closed." I drawl, enjoying the amused smirk that pulls at the man's lips.

"Not quite Sanshi. I'm looking to certain 'rookies' and am planning on having them take up a sort of back-up squad leader position. This will allow for more points of back-up on patrol, and allow the newer recruits to build trust amongst themselves."

"So they can depend on each other when robbed of a leader?" mutters Eren, almost to himself as he taps his chin. The Commander nods, meeting my gaze forecefully.

"I have selected you, Sanshi, as one of these recruits. There are handful more, but I wanted to know what you thought before bringing this to the other's attention."

"You want me, in charge of other people? Really?" I glance at his desk, looking for a bottle of Hanji's special brew. This didn't sound right to me at all. Something sparkles in the Commanders deep blue eyes, is it respect? Pfft, I push that ridiculous notion out of my mind. The Commander shifts hi weight but merely shrugs, maintaining his stern gaze at me. It was becoming a little uncomfortable in all honesty. He was a calm man, but fucking intense when he wanted to be.

"You have a singular mind when it comes to battle Sanshi, this has been mentioned by almost every superior you have served under. I want to cultivate that. You won't be a full-fledged squad leader of course, you haven't the experience for such a responsibility. But I do wish to start your training for such a step up the ladder."

"Well I'm willing to try, sir. Of course."

"And you think this initiative is worthwhile?"

"Well I think it can only help the formation and its execution, sir. I can't see a downside. If the rookies trust each other, then they might work better as a team; that can surely only mean less deaths."

We share a curt nod and I sit back a little, my pride swelling a bit. This was a major feather in my cap. I had always thought the Commander just thought of me as the local nutter. But this hinted at something else. In all fairness I was useless at reading the man; it drove me mad as I was usually able to peg people easily. But he was as elusive as Levi. I wonder who else is being selected, but I allow myself a smile as I consider Erwin wanting to put the idea past me first. That was big. I couldn't lie, it meant a lot. But then I look to Eren, who remains staring ahead, although now he looked a bit confused. Why was he here? I look from Eren to the Commander who meets my gaze and then looks to Eren with a sigh.

"As for you Jeager, I need you to become more familiar with the other new recruits. I understand you have a good relationship with Sanshi here, but I need the others to trust you just as much—"

"They're frightened of me, sir." Eren looks to the ground, clearly ashamed of this fact.

I knew it was true, I'd heard the whispers myself. I'd always put those people in their ignorant places, but had never really considered what it meant for the Commander when considering his regiment. When looking to a formation chart on the wall I realised the problem. It didn't matter how well they planned out the mission, if Eren had to change and half the formation spread out for fear of being stepped on, the whole thing would turn to shit.

"You want me to help, sir?" I ask, looking at Eren the whole time, meeting his nervous eyes with an encouraging look. He had to keep in mind that he wasn't alone. He never would be. The sadness seems to leave his green eyes as a nervous smile takes over. There he was.

"For the beginning yes, Shanshi. With your troop - that I have selected for you - Eren will train for a week or so. Then he'll move onto other groups, showing his more relatable side to them and preparing them for his more… intimidating side."

The Commander gave a small, respectful nod towards Eren. I knew, and I hoped Eren did too, that the Commander highly appreciated the power Eren held. He had already expressed his respect for the boy, but I knew the pressure that plagued Eren. He had a lot to live up to, being Humanities Hope, was hardly small time. I stand and give a firm salute.

"Yes, sir. When do we begin?"

"Tomorrow, I will be explaining this to everyone at dinner time, but please feel free to go up to your team today Sanshi."

"No, sir, I think I should let them have their day off. Although who is on my team? Actually… can I just say the team sir? Feels strange to call it my team, especially when I'm not really a squad leader at this point."

"I understand Sanshi. You have four other recruits; Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon, and Neran Torl. Is that satisfactory?"

"Mm." I say with a nod, holding back my retorts. He then allows us to leave, pointing out that whatever Hanji had planned could wait. Even if she pestered us, we were to tell her to wait till this month's training had concluded. We needed to be on top form for the month ahead. I wondered if he knew what she'd been planning, and if so, why didn't he just tell us? Damn cloaks and daggers. So annoying.

As we walk towards the compound me and Eren are quiet, other rookie's walking by and chatting casually. When the sun hits us we head for the far wall where no one is currently standing by. He sits on the dusty ground and puts his knees to his chest, resting his chin on his knees as he studies a rock with determination. I lean against the warm wall and close my eyes as I let the sun kiss my face all over again.

This initiative was an exciting prospect. It was a terrifying one as well.

I wondered if Levi would have any advice, but then again I didn't really want to bring up dealing with a squad. He had us on his squad presently, and of course before that… I bite my lip, I needed his advice, but I didn't want to drag him back through that memory. Hell I didn't even know if he'd let me. But then I remember how he'd asked me to help him feel, perhaps dealing with that part of his past came into that? I really had no idea how much leeway I had with him. I wasn't sure if I ever would.

A hand taps my leg. I jolt a little and look down to Eren who looks a little expectant.

"Shit, sorry. What did you say Eren?"

"I said what do you really think about the team Erwin's given you?"

"Mm… what do you mean?"

"Well you hardly seemed pleased, although kudos on not objecting right there and then." He says, laying his head against the wall with a smirk. I nudge him with my foot and snort a little.

"Thanks, it was quite the achievement. But I didn't want to object, especially when Erwin's given me such a big pat on the back. A little surreal to be honest."

"It's a big honour, you should be proud. I know I'm proud of you."

"Thanks Eren… although yeah… not the best team…"

"How so? I didn't really recognise the names, I only really know you from your class."

"Well… Isa Belon is nothing short of a slut, I can't think of a boy in our class she didn't bang. She's surprisingly good on the 3DMG considering she spends the majority of her time on her back."

"Robyn!" laughs Eren, a blush covering his face. I admit that I feel a little hypocritical after the previous evening's occurrence. However that was one night in my entire time within the regiment, it was also not as causal as making eye contact then heading to the back of the stables. Nah, I'm not that much of a hypocrite. I don't think…

"And the rest?"

"Jaren Kezen is brilliant at the gear, and is a damn good swordsman, however he regularly pisses himself out on mission and tries to get out of work whenever he can. I can't remember the amount of times I found him asleep when we were on cleaning duty together during basic training… I kicked that guy's ass all the time. Presumably that's why he was chosen for my team, Erwin has heard I'm not worried about putting the kid in his place."

"You're probably right there."

"Kila Sohon? She's… well she's fine…" I look down at Eren who is just raising a brow at me, I groan and sink to the ground. "She's just fucking boring to be honest. She can do her job, but I don't think I've ever seen her even pretend to be invested in the world around her."

"Like the Captain?" he sniggers, but I pause and shake my head.

"Nah, Captain Levi is reserved and holds shit in, but he's invested, he cares about his work and his regiment. She just… doesn't. So that could be a bit of a problem… still I can't have it all. Mind you Neran Torl is okay. He's a bit naïve, but I have no issue with him. Good kid really, and so eager to help, I just hope he's okay taking orders."

"Well one out of four you have no issue with. Not great but I'm sure you'll get through okay."

"So will you Eren. If they start looking at you weird, or whispering, just ignore it. Some of these kids hadn't even seen a Titan till recently, so the fact you can turn into one is… well its pant-shitting terrifying to them. Just be yourself and they'll see they have nothing to fear."

"We don't know that for sure Robyn…" He kicks the rock away and bites his lip. I put my arm round his shoulder and hug him tightly. I'm relieved to find him not shivering at all. "Why didn't you fear me Robyn?"

"Like I said, I reckon I could take you." I laugh but he doesn't join in, only a small tug on the corner of his mouth. I put my head against his and sigh. "I've known a lot of awful people Eren, I've seen evil. I've seen it in people's eyes and the way they act. I didn't see it in you."

"Did you see it in Jack?" He asks, nuzzling my head a little. I tense but just sigh, remembering the pathetic figure of Jack being hauled away to his cell, crying about the misunderstanding. Wailing about this mistreatment. Sobbing about his 'silly mistake'.

"I saw something I didn't trust. But he isn't evil Eren, he's an asshole who is perverted and doesn't know the difference between yes and no. But he isn't evil. M'kay? You're not evil, and I saw that, these other kids are lucky enough to not know Evil when they see it. Don't hold that against them?"

He sits up and takes a moment to think over my words. I watch some birds soar above and I feel a pang of envy. Then there's a quick puff from Eren and I turn to meet his determined gaze. I knew that look. It almost looked deranged, but it meant Eren wasn't going to let anything stop him. I loved that look. I poke his nose and wink.

"Hey Eren, where you been?"

"Let's go enjoy our day off."

For the rest of the day me and Eren just chilled out. We meandered along the compound and shared stories about Shiganshina. We watched people train, we lay on the grass, we even took some horses out for a ride. It was a lovely day, free from responsibility before tomorrow's work began. I enjoyed the company of Eren; he was an enigma in our uncertain world, but he had a humility to him and that intense fire of determination. It was infectious.

As we rode along by the old training forest I make my horse stop and frown a little. He follows my gaze and lays a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. Along the treeline I see a precession of soldiers walking along, a figure out in front with arms bound behind them. The line heads into a small hut and disappears. That was presumably Jack's new cell. I hold the reins a little tighter and turn my horse, as long as he was kept away from other unsuspecting women I was happy. Although my hands did betray my resolve a little as they quivered. I think they were just itching for another punch-bag session.

I head to dinner with Eren and enjoy the chatter about the day. The thrum of conversation is calming to me as I consider what tomorrow would bring. It isn't long till Commander Erwin has stood up to explain what's happening for the following month and various people look my way, and then at the other selected rookies who would be partaking in this initiative. Those listed off into the teams looked to their leaders with a little apprehension. Competitive people, ambitious people, and really just young people didn't enjoy having their talents pointed out as inferior. I couldn't get annoyed, I knew if I was in their position it would rub me the wrong way. But as I nod to the Commander I catch eyes with Levi and feel myself frozen. How long has he been staring at me? I look to my food and try to convince myself I'm imagining the two holes being bored into my skull.

"I think you're in trouble or something Robyn…" murmurs Connie, glancing over my shoulder. "The Captain is kinda glaring at you…"

"Yeah I noticed… I suppose he's going to lecture me on leading recruits. Y'know how much of a perfectionist he is. He probably thinks I'll fuck his recruits up." I push my food around, wondering if he'll ask me to his office and then what'll happen from there. A heat begins to build in the pit of my stomach as I consider the possibilities. I then shove some food in my mouth to avoid getting any further. It was very annoying really, I hadn't felt this frustrated before last night, and now suddenly I was chomping at the bit for more? A slippery slope was what I was on, and I wondered if the Captain felt as eager. I glance down at myself and smirk. No, probably not. I was hardly—

"Cadet, Sanshi."

I stand up and salute, licking a speck of food from my lips, having been caught by surprise. I notice his eyes flash to my mouth and then back to my eyes, tightening a little. Oh shit, he totally thought I did that on purpose.

"Yes, sir?"

"I want to talk to you about your plans for your new team. Come to my office after your dinner. And clean your face, you're a mess."

I nod and sit back down. The whole table looks at me in sympathy and put my increased eating speed down to not wanting to keep the wrathful Captain waiting. They were right, but not because I wanted to get it over with. It was because the memories of last night were becoming torturous. But I had to keep in mind he may actually want to discuss the team. After all he could appreciate the pressure of being a squad leader. It may well be a simple meeting. But then I remember sitting out on the grass. Maybe there would be wine at least? My throat pinches, I could always do with a drink.

I get up and bid them goodnight, heading off at a steady pace and making sure I was immaculate before knocking on the door. The ache at the base of my spine is almost excruciating when he opens the door and holds it open only a fraction as he looks me up and down slowly, before opening the door. His face is its usual stoic self and I remain suitably expressionless myself as I enter and stand with a firm salute in place.

"Captain Levi, you asked to see me?"

"Shut up, idiot."

He grabs the back of my neck and wrenches me over, lips impatient as they slam onto mine, forcing mine open without hesitation. His other hand quickly snakes round my waist and grabs at my ass, hitching my leg up a moment later. I tangle my hands in his hair and let groans leave my throat as the kiss deepens with a tilt of my head. Damn it, he tastes even better this time, his tea lingering on his tongue as we fight for dominance. I barely register it as we tangle together, but my shirt is suddenly on the floor and his has soon followed suit. Did I take that off or did he? My hands seems to have a mind of their own as they tug at his belts and straps, occasionally returning to his pale skin and dragging my nails as I pull him against my body. The ache is throbbing in me now, crying out for more of the fire.

Without affection he throws me back onto the bed and rips off my boots and trousers, doing the same with his own as I shuffle back in the bed, hitting the head board as he climbs over me and makes little work of my undergarments. His face is stoic, but there's nothing but lust burning in his eyes as he turns back to kiss me again, deeply and hungrily. A deep growl rumbles in his chest as he pushes my legs apart. Without warning he's in me and I dig my nails into his back as he fills me up, but he silences my wail with another deep kiss, not waiting to begin his deluge on me. I put my hands back against the headboard and push down on his frantic hips, the friction euphoric with ever pulsating thrust. I gasp, wrapping my legs wrap round him and pulling him deeper into me. He groans and puts his head in the crook of my neck, nipping and kissing as he pants, occasionally whispering euphoric curses as he approaches his moment.

"Fuck… Levi…" I arch my back as I feel the pleasure overflow inside me, a few moments later being chased down by his own ecstasy.

Damn that felt better.

We fall into a panting heap and I take a moment to gently press my lips to his parted ones.

"Thank you." I breathe lying back again with my arm over my face as the echoes of pleasure continue to wave through my now weak body. He pulls me onto my side and slaps my ass. I glare at him and he gives an arrogant smirk, hand running along my side, resting on my waist.

"You're fucking welcome, brat." And with that he's up, tugging his boxers on before grabbing a couple glasses and putting them on the desk. He remembered? I snigger and sit up in the blankets that I wrap round myself.

"I wondered if I was going to get that wine…"

"Sorry, did the sex just get in the way?" He tugs the cork out with his teeth and pours two generous glasses, passing me one and raising his. "Apologies for my lack of ceremony. But I had a shit day."

"No problem. I managed to keep up." I draw on the rich red liquid and sigh as I lean against the headboard, ignoring the bruise on the back of my head. "You have decent stamina for an old man."

"Shut it, brat."

"Mm…mmbnnhmmn?"

"What?" He sighs, looking at me with an exasperated expression. An expression? Damn, the man was turning into practically an open book!

"Well you told me to shut it, so I did, but I had a question. So… Mmb—"

"Smart ass." He growls, though I see him smirk into his wine.

"Fine. Did you actually want to talk to me about my team as well?"

"I did actually." He says, sitting on his chair and putting his feet up on the desk. I let my eyes linger on their way across his body. Fuck it, I was allowed to look. "Stop staring pervert."

"Oi, you rip my clothes off? I'm allowed to stare. Deal with it." I say, taking along sip as I continue to appreciate the impressive build to my Captain. Damn it I'd done well. I give a small nod and then smile innocently. "Done. What did you wanna say?"

"You're ridiculous. I wanted to ask how you actually felt about the team Erwin picked?"

I go through the same descriptions that I gave to Eren, and Levi laughs in the same places though seems more annoyed about the laziness, and sluttery. I think he had it in his head Erwin would give me the best of the best for some reason. I don't know why. I wasn't the best, I was the oldest and the most obnoxious probably, but I didn't think I was the most skilled. I had no idea who was, but I didn't put my name at the top of the list. Maybe top five. But that was it. I wait for him to say his piece, swilling my remaining wine in my glass as I subtly look around for where he threw my knickers. I hope he didn't rip those ones, I liked those ones.

"You think you can get the brats to act as a team? I know Erwin's mostly concern with trust."

"I think I can, yeah. I mean I dunno how well they trust, or even know each other, at this point in all honesty. But I'll find out tomorrow and work from there. Once I have them trusting each other, I can build on their trust of me. That was my plan anyway."

"But what if they end up trusting each other more than you?"

"Then they at least have each other to depend on in battle." I explain and watch him consider my answer. I think he's surprised that I'd actually thought of this. I wondered how arrogant he actually thought I was. He gives a small nod and leans back in his chair, closing his eyes and frowning a little.

"Don't go thinking you have to save them, brat. That's not your job."

"I know, sir."

"You seem to have it covered. Just… just don't get attached to the shits." His voice is steady as ever, but that frown is a giveaway. I know how it tore him up, he'd never said it, of course he hadn't. We weren't in a relationship here, we were each other's stress relief and human contact. But I knew from his original pleas to feel something, that mission had been the last straw. I wondered how long they'd actually served together as a team. I didn't dare ask though. He notices my lack of response and looks over at me with those dead eyes. "Seriously."

"I-I know…"

I hate that I've stuttered, but thinking about how much it's ripped this stonework of a man up inside makes fear grip my spine. I was nowhere near as strong as him. I'd seen shit, and done shit, and dealt with plenty of shit too. But he was the proverbial brick wall, and even he had started to show cracks. Only to me, and perhaps Erwin. But they were there all the same.

What if I got them killed? I knew his squad's death wasn't his fault, not in the least. He thought it was though. I was good at guilt tripping at getting someone a paper-cut, what the fuck would I do if someone on my team died? Even if it wasn't my fault, I knew my dumbass mind would make it seem that way. Or maybe it would be my fault? Like I said, I was by no means the best rookie. I had a tonnes of flaws. I was reckless, I tried to be everywhere at once, I also got my angles wrong sometimes. What if I made a wrong call? It didn't seem like much of a stretch that I'd screw it up, I had a knack for that when it came to my own life, let alone someone else's.

I flinch when I feel a hand on my knee, I hadn't even noticed him move. He was a damned ninja.

"Keep it together Sanshi."

"Sorry sir."

"That's better." He said, looking to my lips. I wonder if he's confused about whether or not to seal that sentiment with a kiss. Would that blur the lines of what we were doing together? Would that mean too much affection? We hadn't outlined anything concrete. But I knew attachment wasn't his goal. He'd just said it himself, don't get attached.

He decides against it presumably as he gets up and starts to tug his uniform back on.

"Thank you, sir."

"You already said that."

"I more meant for the advice, not the fuck." He scrunches his nose at my crude language and I laugh a little. He glances my way as I laugh, a smirk spreading over his lips. "You can be surprisingly prudish at times, sir. Considering…"

I get up and retrieve my underwear from beneath the chair and desk where he had flung them. It took a while, but I'd eventually spotted them. I then scoop up my other garments and turn to him with a raised brow. He's sipping from a refilled glass, stood only in his trousers, sculpted torso still taunting my dirty mind. He raises a brow right back at me, tilting his head a little in challenge.

"Turn, pervert." I say with a glare, he rolls his eyes and does so. But as I pull my uniform back on I notice him glancing over his shoulder a few times. I don't draw attention to having noticed, instead I take a little extra time in putting my shirt on, angling my body in the right way to make the muscles in his back tense. I then do up my straps, lingering on the ones at the top of my thigh, biting my lip as I fiddle with the clasp. He tenses again. Serves him right. I shrug on my coat and walk up behind him, place my lips to his ear and give a breathy laugh.

"I did tell you to turn." I run a finger down his spine and grin as a shudder runs through him. I don't need to turn him round, I know there's little room left in those tight trousers. I kiss the back of his neck and head for the door. He was my Captain, but occasionally he was my play thing too. That was absolutely thrilling.

"Good night Captain, thanks for the advice, wine and bonfire."

"Night, Cadet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, leave a review, like or follow, I don't own AOT, but I do love it.


	8. Clean Freak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, another installment.
> 
> I do not own AOT, it's just great fun to see what i can do with the characters. I hope you're enjoying reading it, as much as I'm enjoying writing it.
> 
> If you have the time, please feel free to leave a review, positive or negative is welcome. I'm here to learn, after all! A like or a follow is also greatly appreciated.
> 
> Enjoy!

My team stood with their gear on and faces expectant. The only one who seemed pleased to be there was Neran; the other three looked like I'd just stolen their teddy bears. I explained my plans for them to work together in the training forest, to get a beginning of trust between them. Then I'd go over the formation's I'd come up with and we'd work from there. I wasn't sure the other three were even listening, but I wasn't planning on placating to their juvenile bullshit.

"That good with everyone?"

There's a general nod. Isa takes a little too long to answer, her bright blue eyes looking me up and down with disdain. Jaren has a slight sneer and Kila is matching it, they're nodding but I know they're just following Erwin's orders. This was not the point to all this. It wasn't meant to be follow orders by numbers, it was meant to be building trust so that they'd survive. Why was it they couldn't grasp that? Neran just nods. Bless him.

"I'm sensing there's an issue here." I say, putting my hand on my hip and pointedly looking at the sassy three who just shrug, whilst Neran looks around a little confusedly. "Not with you Neran, I like you and you like me, we're good. But these three look like they have either something nasty under their noses, or something sharp shoved up their asses. I'd like to know why, right now, before we get going with this."

I am glad to find Eren just standing to the side quietly, letting me deal with this. After all this was meant to be my team, so I had to handle this. The fact he knew that, was comforting. When they don't say anything I look to the heavens for patience. Please, don't make me maul one of my team on the first day. That was not a good start.

"Come on children, what's the problem here?"

"That for a start." Snaps Isa, shoving her hip out a little too far as she puts a hand there and sneers incredibly unattractively. How did her mouth even do that?

"What? Me calling you children?"

She nods, snorting a little. I again look up, wondering why people consistently forgot my lacking ability for patience. I take a long, soothing breath and give a forced smile.

"Well I'm sorry, but that's what you're fucking acting like."

"Hardly! We—"

"Look! We're training together to ensure a higher survival rate for the regiment as a whole, and you're stood bitching. How can you oppose being called children when you seem set on acting like it?"

"Where the hell do you get off acting so superior? Just because you sucked off Erwin to get the job." She barks, sharing a dark snigger with her other two sassy shitheads. I pinch the bridge of my nose, grinning a little as I consider the fact it wasn't Erwin I was fucking. Although she was wrong on the sucking front, no sucking had been done.

Anyway, back to the problem in hand.

"I didn't ask for this position, I am not even going to respond to that idiotic accusation and I'm also tempted to throw your ass into the dirt simply for being this ludicrously stupid."

"Pfft, okay old lady."

"How old are you? Twelve?"

"I'm seventeen." She hisses a little proudly, her pathetic excuse for a bust thrust out a little further. Little girl, this is where the adults live, and the monsters.

I know I have to stop this insubordination now, or else this whole initiative was going to be pointless. I considered that whilst this was a trust thing, that didn't mean it had to be a trust based on friendship, or comradery. It could simply be that they trusted me to keep them alive, and to beat the shit out of them should they disobey. I wondered if that was why we all trusted Captain Levi so much. I knew it was why I'd trusted him, and I don't trust easy.

I walk up to her, she's about my height, but I think the fierce expression glaring out at her makes her shrink back a little. I jab an accusing finger at her, teeth bared a little.

"And I'm guessing you'd like to see eighteen?"

"W-what you gonna do? Kill me? Fucking maniac…" she attempts confidence, but she mainly whines. I shake my head slowly, pointing towards the nearest gates out to beyond the walls. She follows my finger.

"No. I'm not what you need to worry about." I see her shudder. "It's the looming monstrosities; that want to bite down on your pathetic little body and drink your blood like its pumpkin juice. Those are what you should be worried about. It's those inane grins, and glazed over eyes that should be shutting up that sour little mouth. It's those gnashing jaws, that should make you realise why the Commander is even trying this initiative out. It's the countless recruits already rotting in the ground in tiny little pieces, that should be breaking through that self-importance, ambition, and bitterness."

The confidence drains out of her. I watch the images sink into that thick little mind. I glance over at Jaren and Kila, both are as pale as Isa. I think I got through. Our just gave them fresh nightmares. Either way, it was clear to them who the real enemy was again. It was easy to forget within these walls, apart from everything. But really none of these stupid spats mattered once you were out there, under the big blue dome and far away from home. There it didn't matter who you'd pouted at, who you'd fucked, or who you'd thrown shade to. Out there death waited with open arms.

I step back a little and nod reassuringly at Neran, who is similarly pale, but just staring at the ground, aware this speech isn't meant for him. I let my gaze shift between the proud three, suddenly looking very small.

"I have accepted this role simply to help the regiment. I don't consider myself better than you, I am older than you, yes, so I apologise for the children comment. However, if you pull this kind of juvenile shit again? You will have something nasty under your noses when I shove your heads into the stables floor. And you will have something sharp up your asses when I want to test out my blades. Got it? I am not here to boss you around, I am not here to be superior. I am here to help us all survive. You want to do that don't you?"

They all nod.

"Then let me help, together, as a team we can do that. All we need to do is build trust, out there in the field it's a damned good defence to have. And even if you don't like me, respect me, or even consider me worthy of leading you. I want you to trust that I want to keep you alive. You're little shits right now, but I know you can change that. And I want you to live long enough to let it."

"I like you…" pipes up Neran with a careful smile and blush. I smile at him broadly and chuckle.

"Well congrats, Neran, I like you too. Though I think we covered that. Now then, you lot happy to get on with the training? We have a month, and I have a feeling that there's a mission at the end of this month. So we have till then. Fancy surviving?"

They all nod and turn to begin their work. When they disappear beyond the trees I sigh and lean on my knees, quivering a little. My performance worked, but holy shit was I close to breaking. They had to trust me. They had to trust that I could do this. I wasn't sure I even did at this point. One month. It was going to be a damned long month for sure.

Eren walks over and rubs my back, I stand up with a disbelieving expression and he grins.

"You're one scary lady at times y'know?"

"I'm one fucking decent actress y'mean." I laugh and put my head on his shoulder. He runs a hand through my hair. "You think I got through to them?"

"I think so, I was surprised they didn't shit themselves to be honest. Whatever the Captain told you last night clearly worked. He give good advice?"

"Yah, he did actually." I sigh. "Shit… can I do this? Maybe… Who would have thought?"

"Commander Erwin, clearly."

"That's true, shit… if my Keza could see me now." I smile and look up into the blue sky, grinning like an idiot. Eren laughs and nods, his determination infectious. I was glad I had him there, he made my doubts falter a little. It was hard to doubt anything with those green eyes glowing at me.

It takes about an hour but they return and land, red faced and panting. When I go over what they did, they seem to have made a good start. For one thing they know each other's names well now, before they weren't sure. But now its second nature. I send them off for some water and food, expecting them back in an hour. I sit down by the trees with Eren after he brings us some water and bread, and coffee. I could have kissed him when he handed that over. I take a long gulp.

"You are my saviour Eren, thank you." I lie back on the grass and sigh deeply. "I thought we'd do some hand-to-hand combat with them next?"

"We?" he repeats, biting his bread slowly. I look over at him and nod. He looks down and swallows hard, watching the shifting grass anxiously. "You sure it's not too soon?"

"Man up, Eren."

"I'm serious Robyn."

"So am I." I prop myself up on my elbows and smile at him, "they need to know you better Eren, and I don't fancy sitting down to have a heartfelt conversation round a campfire while we all braid each-others hair. Do you?"

"My hair's too short to braid."

"Challenge accepted." I say with a smirk and he rolls his eyes.

"I guess you have a point… but they're not going to be pleased."

"Then they can also man up. I was put in charge, so dammit they're gonna do what they're told. Neran can go first, that kid seems to have a fairly level head."

"Why because he likes you? Level headed isn't what I'd first describe that as…"

"No, he'll go first because, whilst we all came out here and the other three stayed well away from you, he walked between me and you quite happily. I don't think he's as worried about you. I think that base trust he already has, makes him more confident around you. Duh."

I lie back again and chuckle when a bit of bread hits my face.

Soon enough the troops return and we all head over to the combat area. Three or four other teams are there too, but a ring is available for us. I send Neran in with Eren. There are no objections from the recruit, but the other three are all staring at me in shock. I turn to them with a raised brow, waiting for it to start.

"What if Neran hits him?" asks Isa a little stupidly. I try hard, but I'm not sure I manage to keep all the contempt out of my features.

"That's the point?" I laugh and she just glares a little, I roll my eyes and throw my hands up in the air. "Eren doesn't just turn into the Titan if he gets a bruise. He's too much of a clutz for that! He'll be training with us all week, and you three will be getting into that ring as well."

"What about you?"

"I'm already good at this, plus I kick Eren's ass every time. Poor guy."

"So you're just letting us face the Titan?!"

"Look Isa… Eren is our ally. He's on our team, so start acting like it. Right then, you two, Begin."

Neran does well to hold his own, but Eren has had more training and soon enough floors the rookie. Apologising as he helps the kid up, brushing him down. I laugh a little and then send Isa in. She hesitates but my shot glance sends her in with a blush. That's right little girl. Get your ass in there. I was willing to attempt patience, but I wasn't a fucking saint.

They dance about but eventually she makes a move, and a clumsy one at that. Wow, she sucks at hand-to-hand. They go for a while, but I can tell Eren is majorly holding back. When he glances my way, I just shake my head, and he knows what to do. He then sends the girl into the dirt. Before she's even got to her shaky feet, I swap places with Eren, and help get the girl up. She's bright red, but not from exhaustion. This one had a lot of pride.

"You clearly need some help in this department, Isa."

"Why?" she huffs and I snort a little, "I know I suck at it, but why do we need to know hand-to-hand? We're not going to be punching the Titans."

"And what would you do if a shifter was in front of you in their human form? Unable to change? But you suck at hand-to-hand and they get away? Hmm?" She's about to argue but it dies in her throat and she groans, putting her hands into the proper beginning position. "Good girl."

It takes a while, but she eventually listens to me. Strengthening her stances, being more decisive about her movements. And not wimping out for the sake of her hands. They were her weapons and she was pandering. They'd harden up. Eventually she isn't completely useless and so I get out the ring, telling her to get out as well. It was enough for her today, its Jaren's turn.

Jaren and Kila are basically the same on skill level, in between Neran and Isa but still not as good as Eren. It would be a while before they improved. But I now knew this was where we had to work the hardest. For the remainder of the week, with Eren as sparring partner, we work on their technique. By the time Eren is to move onto another group there is a definite sense of respect between the rookies and him. That was amazing to me.

I wasn't sure how my own relationship was doing, I'd spent the whole week barking orders at them. But it was all to improve their skills, which they were, so I hoped it was appreciated for that.

As we sat down to dinner, a week and a half in, the chatter felt relaxed and I felt a little appreciated. They weren't my friends, but I didn't want them to be. That would make missions unnecessarily complicated. It was like Levi said; don't get attached. It wasn't my job to save them. But then again where did I draw that line? It was easy to spout that kind of thing outside of the situation, but as he knew himself, in the heat of the moment… sometimes instinct took over. He got himself grabbed by that Titan. What the hell would I end up doing?

"How's training going Sanshi?" I nearly choke on my food as Erwin rumbles above us, at the head of the table. I give a small smile as I try to breathe again. He waits.

"Fine, thank you Commander. My team is doing really well, we've been focused on hand-to-hand this week. But we're moving onto formations as of tomorrow."

"Glad to hear it. How is Sanshi as a leader recruits?" He asks and I look to my food, not wanting to pressure them as the silence lingers. "Come on, spit it out."

"She's scary." Mutters Neran with a sheepish smile as I glance over to him, "But she's really helped us with the hand-to-hand stuff. Isa was really bad at the start of the week, now she actually knows how to throw a decent punch. So… yeah… Sanshi's scary… but she's good?"

"Very eloquent Torl. Thank you. Anyone else?" He looks around and they all just nod, a little intimidated by the looming blonde giant. I clear my throat and give a small smile to the Commander.

"Don't worry Commander, I'm looking after them."

"Would expect nothing less from you Sanhi, carry on." And he walks away.

When he's gone they all breathe again. I smile a little as the four of them are staring at me, a little disbelieving. But then when the stares continue, I frown and check I don't have gravy sticking to my face. Nope, I'm clean. So why were they looking at me like that?

"What's with you lot?"

"How do you talk to the Commander so easily?" asks Kila, blushing a little.

"Open my mouth? He's just a human being, he's strangely tall and strangely well eyebrowed. But he's just a man." I won't admit that the man still intimidated me, I don't need to admit that. I wasn't lying, I was just bending the truth to my advantage. "But I get that he's scary."

"R-Robyn?" Neran fiddles with his food, and I turn to him, tilting my head. He seemed really scared about what he had to say. In fact he'd looked a little shifty the past two days. I tap my fork against the edge of his tray and smile encouragingly.

"Spit it out Neran, before you choke?"

"What happened on your last mission?"

I cringe back a little; I hadn't expected that, I really hadn't. Where had this come from? Then again, had these guys even been beyond the wall? I realise I hadn't even asked them that. No, they had to have been. But as I watch the fear, and curiosity flash over their young faces I consider that they may not have. The blood and panic echoes in my mind. That fucking Titan drooling over the limp body of my Captain, the blood trickling between his thin lips as his head fell forward. The crunch of bones. Dammit.

"What do you mean?" I croak, clearing my throat and drinking my water. Avoiding Neran's nervous gaze. They're all watching me closely. I can't let them know I'm haunted, this would not help them trust me, it would make them doubt me. Hell I was doubting myself enough right now. "Lots of stuff happens on a mission, what part do you mean?"

"What happened to the Captian?" He whispers and I look across at Levi who is eating with Erwin and Hanji. He's fine. He's right there, eating, talking, normal. Not dying, not being crushed because I fucked up as per usual. He was fine.

Levi's eyes suddenly meet mine and we hold steady. He's sipping his tea, the slightest of frowns creasing his stoic expression. I begin to explain the mission to my team, not breaking eye contact with my Captain as I speak. My voice is steady and I'm careful not to linger over the gory details, but I can hear them gasp, or hold their shaky breath. But I couldn't gloss it over for them, or they'd know I was lying the second we left the gates at the end of our month. If they knew I lied, they'd immediately distrust me.

And so the truth pours out.

Like blood from a vein.

My hands flex as they begin to feel dirty, like they're caked in his blood all over again. Shit.

"And then I got him to the infirmary." I finish, finally tearing my eyes away with a hard swallow. I look round them and they're all agog. "Basically it was a combination of my own fuckery, and Jack's. But had Jack been paying attention none of it would have transpired in all likeliness. So I hope that shows you how damned important it is to stay sharp. Never mind how safe you think it is. Out there nothing is certain. Except that you can die like that." I snap my fingers and drain my water glass. Thank the gods that was over.

"Is that why you beat up Jack?" asked Kila, her green eyes narrowed.

Again; I hadn't really expected this line of questioning. I slowly put down my glass and study her reserved expression. I wondered if she was a friend of Jack's. I wondered if he'd ever made an inappropriate pass at her as well. I sigh and scrape my hair back, letting it fall loose down my back as I enter the next story. They were clearly curious about me, and really they had every right to be. I was a bit odd.

I leave no detail out, outline the fact that Jack got exactly what he had coming to him, and why he was now imprisoned. The way the green eyes of Kila tightened I knew I had my answer, he had made passes at her. I just hoped that was all. I didn't pry, but I gave her a small smile, a smile of solidarity. Neran and Jeran were both blushing profusely and I just sighed.

"Guys calm down, being horny and being a fucking pervert are two different things."

"Yeah…" Jaren peeks at Kila and she puts her hand beneath the table, a small smile replacing Jaren's nervous pout. I hope they're just holding hands. Isa is very quiet though. I turn to her and tap her shoulder, she jolts back into reality and stares at me with wide eyes. Holy shit, she looked terrified. I am feeling very much like a den mother right now. This was not good.

"Whoa there, you okay? Jack's locked up, kiddo." I make an internal laugh after using Hanji's own term of endearment. Shit, did this mean I was getting attached? No, it just meant I was protective? Damn, that wasn't much better.

Isa tucks her blonde hair behind her ear and nods shakily.

"Jack stayed only a couple doors away from me… I had no idea…"

"None of us did Isa, it's okay though, he can't get to anyone now."

"Y'know… I always thought you were just full of shit Robyn."

"Um… thanks?" I snort and she just blushes, glancing my way occasionally.

"Sorry, I mean, you'd always talk so confident and stuff… I just thought it was bravado. But… it's kinda good to know it isn't. You can clearly handle yourself… I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm kinda glad you're our leader now. I-I think I can trust you to look after us."

I appreciate the sentiment, but I can't agree with her. I sigh and shake my head, she looks a little hurt, but lets me explain. These kids had to realise I was not here to be a babysitter.

"I appreciate the trust Isa, but it's misplaced. I'm not here to look after you, I'm here to lead you, and help wherever and however I can. But I'm no one's guardian angel. Out there we are a team, but we have to watch our own backs as much as each-others m'kay?"

She gives a nervous smile and nods. This was amazing progress and I didn't want to jinx it. I bid them a good night, and head for my room. Wondering whether or not I should have told them all that I had, I wasn't even sure if Levi had told any of the recruits the extent of his injuries. But then again, he hadn't told me not to disclose the information either. Nevertheless it was out now, and from what they had said, and the looks they had given, my group trusted me. Or at least had begun to. Maybe I could do this?

I shiver a little as the damned image flashes in front of me again. That damn thing was burned into the back of my eyelids. This was getting very tedious.

I look down at my hands and frown, little flecks of blood had begun to gather round my fingernails. I go to the bathroom and pick up a scrub brush, lathering it up with soap I scrub under the hot tap. Breathes catch in my throat as I feel the burning heat and harsh bristles against my soft hands. But they had to be clean. They had been spotless after Vincent died. So clean after being so caked in blood for thirteen years. Why did they now refuse?

I scrub and scrub, but as the bubbles turn pink I throw the brush down into the sink and rinse away the soap. Scratches litter my fingers and palms. But the flecks of dried blood remain, staining my skin like ink upon the page. Dammit. Branded by failure all over again. How long would this take to fade? What would it take to clean them this time?

I feel a presence behind me, but keep staring down at my hands as I dry them in a towel, well aware I'll be leaving blots of my blood all over it. Breath wafts against the back of my neck, a pair of steely eyes watching me, reflected in the mirror, as his hands rest on my waist. I could smell him, clean and musky at the same time. It was a pleasant scent, and one that made the ache in my spine return whenever I caught it on the breeze.

But now it wasn't what I needed.

Right now I didn't need to burn. Right now I needed to breathe. I cast the towel down into the bin and turn, leaning away so his hands drop. His face is blank, of course, but his eyes have embers of lust there. It hasn't been fanned into a full blown inferno yet, but I knew it would be easily done. I'd made a commitment to my Captain, and I wanted to uphold that, I wanted to help him. But as bitter pain stung at my filthy hands I knew I couldn't tonight.

"Cadet—"

"Sir." I look down and take a shaky breath in. "I'm sorry but I really need to be alone right now. I'm really sorry."

"What are you apologising for?"

"I can't help you tonight." I say through gritted teeth, itching to grab that damned brush and begin scrubbing again. But I'd just look like a loony, so I resist, holding the sink counter tightly. "I'm sorry."

"Shut up, brat." He mutters and I look up to an almost sympathetic look. Almost. "What're you wallowing about now?"

I knew I couldn't admit it was the fact I'd almost gotten him killed, he'd probably kick the shit out of me if he knew I was still tortured over that. In truth I'd thought I'd gotten past it. But with each detail that I told to my team I felt it reappear. Simply hidden beneath the surface. Tricky bugger.

"Just tired sir."

"Bullshit."

"Think what you fucking want."

I push off the counter and head for the door, he grabs my wrist and I quickly tug my hand back. But he's already seen.

"And they call me clean-freak." He says, glancing back at the brush in the sink. I make for the door, not bothering to wait around for his speech, but he's following me, silently but I can feel his glare. God dammit man just leave me alone. Go show yourself some fucking love, use a sock like any other horny teenager.

"Cadet Sanshi stop."

I keep walking.

"Now." He barks and I groan, throwing my hands up as I turn and meet his glare with my own. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to go get some sleep? You? Other than pissing me off?"

"You're hands are going to be useless tomorrow. Don't be so fucking stupid."

"My hands are fine, I just got carried away. Plus, I would say, mind your own business. You've keep sticking that pointed nose into my private life and frankly it's getting real old, real fast."

"I think I'm entitled to be a little concerned."

"No you're fucking not." I back up, a grimace taking over my face. I check for anyone listening, and find no one, and so I look to him with another glare. "We're fucking each other, we're helping each other deal with shit, and feel something other than pain etc. that's fine and dandy. And pretty damned good most of the time. But that doesn't entitle you to anything. My life isn't for you to pry through, like yours isn't for me to pry through. I thought that was how you wanted it?"

"I don't remember outlining those rules."

"Probably because we never outlined anything. But until we do? Let me deal with my stuff in my own damned way. Managed before you and I'll manage after you. Now then, good night, Captain. Thank you for your concern, but it's seriously misplaced." And then I salute and walk to my room, he no longer follows. I nip inside and quickly lock my door, the outside world recedes a little and I feel myself breathe again.

I slowly sink to the floor and stare out the window. Tears annoyingly brimming my eyes. What the hell was going on in this head of mine? I run a hand through my hair, wondering if I'll fine little fragments of my mind in my palm when I retrieve it. Was I actually beginning to lose it? They all joked I was mad, but so far I'd just been odd. I grit my teeth and thump my head against my door a few times. Mind; you and me were going to have a major fall out if this shit continued. And I can hit you off very hard objects. Keep in check.

A headache swamps my head and I groan into my knees.

What a fucking mess.

The next day brings out my formation plans. There are no objections and so as a team we head into the forest, towards the training dummies with the leather patches on the nape of the neck. I knew my team were all good at this, so that wasn't the concern. Getting into sequence was. We had to work as a team. I decided that I'd stick with Isa and Jaren, whilst Naren and Kila would work as a duo. They had superior blade technique to my two, so it made sense for them to work without me.

In and out we swung in sequence, they followed my lead and by the end of the week we were a well-oiled machine. We had another two weeks and I felt confident it could only improve from here. It was all theory at this point, but I felt confident that I had something good with this team. My self-doubt was wavering, helped by the fact Eren consistently assured me I had one of the best groups. Most other 'leaders' were struggling to keep a grip on their rookies. I basked in the reassurance of his eyes whenever he said this to me. But it seemed he was making progress across the board. So that was good. In fact no, that was amazing. With each group he got on with, the worry in his beautiful eyes dimmed a little more. I think he was starting to realise he wasn't so much of a monster.

I'd avoided Levi, I was still having some issues and knew I was shit at lying to him. The man was unreadable, but he seemed to be able to read me like a child's book. But I had to credit him with being respectful of my request to butt out. He doesn't pester me, only occasionally glancing my way at meals, or slyly checking my hands when passing me in the corridor. They are fine, I was fine, quit stressing.

Me or him?

Both.

I yawn into another dawn and suddenly feel myself tense as I greet the paling sky. It was the day of the mission. It was the day theory became practised. My heart gallops off as I put on my uniform and take a moment to hold my red ribbon close. Today would be scary, if it was a success or not, either way I'd be terrified all day. But I couldn't show it. It was the last thing I could show today. I kiss the ribbon and replace it over my mirror. I'd come back, they'd come back, we could do this.

My team and four others are selected for going out. I'm surprised by the small number but the other leaders had to confess they hadn't made good progress with their teams. In all honesty, this in itself showed the merit of them being selected as 'leaders'. They had enough decency to accept defeat. They would remain behind and continue training.

So with my team and the four other rookie sets; we set off towards the forest beyond the walls. With us was Levi and his Squad, minus me obviously, and Erwin with his. Hanji was kicking around as well, somewhere, she'd turn up though, she was meant to be accompanying my team. We had supplies and we had carts, we were going for a while I guessed. It wasn't a major expedition, but it was to test the water with our rookies.

My rookies.

Damn that felt weird.

It was a dull day and everyone remained on point as the formation spread out to allow the warning system to work. Hanji was assigned to stay with my team, a superior to each rookie team for safety. I felt comforted by her presence, but she remained out-with our formation a little, allowing my own plans to go without her interference. I wondered how difficult this was for her. She was the type to meddle. But I guessed she knew how nervous I must be, and knew how cagey I could be when rattled. Smart woman as always.

Soon the rain begins, its light and cold but it doesn't affect our sight too much. We see a few Titans on the horizon, I give the order, and Hanji fires off a flare. So far it's the only sighting, and it's far away. So far so good. I check my team, they look alert but steady. We would be heading for the supply camp in the clearing of the forest, makeshift walls built amongst the tightly packed trees. It wasn't ideal, but it allowed missions to refuel, and regroup. Plus it was good terrain for our gear, so if trouble arose, we could deal with it.

As far as I was aware, the plan was to get there, spend the night then round back towards the wall. It was literally a dry run for Erwin's initiative. But it made sense to me, despite Isa and Kila's protestations, theory counted for little till you applied it to the real situation. And nothing made up for facing a Titan. You had to be there with the beast looming over you, otherwise it wasn't the same. Fear affects us all differently. Some wet themselves, some shit themselves, other's freeze, whilst some rage out. I usually raged out. But that wasn't surprising.

As we near the camp I call out orders to my team, our formation altering for the trees. In the outskirts of the woods it was possible for Titans to roam, the trees were more spaced out there. We get about a half mile in, when I notice a mass in front of us. Time for us to show what we could do.

I bark out the orders. Kila and Neran get up and fire into the canopy. Me and the other two are the backup should the duo need it, but as it's only a normal twelve meter I reckon they can handle it. We set off a flair all the same. But before the smoke can even clear the duo have done as instructed, leaving a steaming heap hammered into the cold ground. I feel pride swell in my chest. They land back onto the horses and I give them both a proud salute. They beam back.

A few more thunders rumble through the trees as other troops deal with threats. A couple shouts ring out, but we stick to our path, we're close to where the trees thicken and danger is less likely. It wasn't our job to go in after other troops, that wasn't our duty. The formation was key.

Hanji rides up to me as we enter the 'safe zone'.

"You did great, Kiddo."

"Thanks, Hanji!" I beam a little and she laughs, "But really it's my team that have done the great work. C'mon guys let's get to the camp and get some food!" They cheer and we enter the compound soon enough.

We're the third team to arrive. Erwin greets us warmly, congratulating us all, then sending us off to help set up the supplies for food and warmth. It was very basic, but it felt secure in here. Quiet and solid. Soon enough the other teams have arrived, and I wave to Eren and Mikasa as they ride in after the Captain, who has Titan blood steaming off his cape.

"Meet some trouble on the way in?" I ask Eren as I hold his horse to let him jump down.

He gives a carefree wave of his hand and grins. It had only been a couple four meters in the outskirts, but the Captain had been forced to help out a rookie troop. That's when his face falls a little. I tense as he explains one rookie troop was down to three members. An abnormal had snuck up on them.

"Snuck up?"

"Their formation was clearly flawed." He sighs, scratching the back of his head. "But still, the other cadet next in line skill-wise, took over, kept them all level headed and got them here. Impressive really. He saved the rest of them."

"Yeah…" I say with a shiver. A fellow pretend leader had bit the dust then? Had they tried too hard to save their team? Or had they fucked up? Eren gives me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder. This was still new and scary territory, I needed to keep that in mind. We'd done well, but it was still a long ride back to the wall.

How would my team do with an abnormal? I shake the thought from my mind and go to join them by the fire. It's quiet, the deaths sustained haunting the regiment. But there was still the return journey to contend with. It would be just as dangerous. I check with my team, but they assure me they feel okay. I can see the strain, but I remind them of their good work today. We would get home.

I stay up to watch the fire die to gentle embers before I carefully rebuild it and watch slight sleep take my team. It wouldn't be a sound sleep but it would be something at least.

I don't think anyone slept properly, in all honesty, but the fire was simply annoying me in its spitting and crackling. I picked up my blanket and wandered around the compound area, breathing in the clean air and watching the stars blink through the wisps of cloud. If not for the potential threat of monstrosities bursting through the trees to kill us all horribly, it might have been a peaceful moment. But the thunder of far off footsteps, kept that threat right at the front of my mind. Bastards.

"Is anyone fucking sleeping?" I turn to Levi and he hands me a cup of coffee.

"That would certainly be an achievement." I drawl and he shakes his head as he sips his drink. We go over to the wall and lean against it, I offer him the excess of my blanket but he just shrugs. No sense, no feeling I guess.

"How many did we lose in total, Captain?"

"Just the three lost to that rookie team. They were a six… they should have been the safest." He stares into his coffee, brows knitting together a little. I take a long sip and focus on the warmth of the liquid. "I heard you did well today. Four-eyes was raving."

"Doesn't she always? My team were great. Did exactly as we planned." I let my smile spread and look to him, he continues to stare into his coffee, before giving a bitter chuckle.

"You didn't engage the Titan yourself." He says with an uneven tone. Glad? Disapproving? I can't pinpoint it. I shrug and sip my coffee. My team was safe, his opinion wasn't the most important thing.

"Wasn't on the plan, Captain."

"Good to know you're not a glory whore."

"If that's meant to be some kind of sarcastic jibe that I should've gone in then you can—"

"It was a genuine sentiment." He snaps glancing my way with another frown. "Glory was what got those three cadets killed."

"…Really?"

"The leader broke formation. He put himself into the fight, so he could get the kill. Then he got himself, and two of his subordinates killed. Fucking moron."

"What a stupid reason to die…" I hiss, the coffee tasting a lot bitter all of a sudden. I knew it wasn't our jobs to babysit, but to so stupidly endanger your troop for the sake of a kill statistic? And then becoming one yourself? How pathetic. I drain my coffee and sigh, wishing it was something a little stronger. "Y'know Captain, sometimes I think it'll be humans that kill all the humans. The Titan's sometimes seem to be the least of our worries."

"You're cheery tonight."

"Life of the party, Sir."

"Cleaned your hands yet?"

"Getting there, thanks."

I see the sun is beginning to peer over the horizon, a dim orange glow bleeding over the treeline. Another day, another mission. I push off the wall and wish the Captain good luck, he asks me to see him in his office once we're back. I stop and turn with a smirk, he mirrors it and shrugs. It was something to ride home a little faster for, at least I had something other than just surviving to look forward to. Seems like he wasn't going to hold my previous words against me. It was nice to know he respected my privacy. Sometimes.

I snicker as I sit down and start gathering up the supplies. Breakfast would be soon, and then we'd be riding home. The sky seemed clear at least, a few clouds here and there, but it seemed possible we would get home in the dry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I don't own AOT, but I do appreciate reviews, likes and follows!
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	9. Murderer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this section I try using Levi's POV, let me know what you think. I'm fairly happy with it, but I'm eager to know what you guys think.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own AOT, just my OC Robyn, the daft cow she is.

Fuck you universe…

The rain poured down in a torrent. It was frankly amazing that the horses were getting any traction. But we were halfway back by this point, no point in turning round now. My team were all tired, wet and grumpy. But at least they were alert. Signals weren't much good in this weather, I reminded them of this as thunder rolled overhead and they all looked around frantically. Despite our training, and despite our trust, they were still kids. I had to keep that in mind. Along with everything else. I didn't even have Hanji with me this time for back-up, she needed to accompany the short-handed squad. This time it really was, all on me.

"Calm it guys, it's a thunder storm. Makes our job harder, but we'll get home."

"How can you be so calm?" called Isa as another clap went overhead.

"Because I trust all of you." I shout and she smiles broadly, nodding confidently and pushing her horse a little faster.

I look forward and grit my teeth. I was fucking shitting it in all truth. In these conditions an attack would be awful, our horses would be barely able to hear our whistles should they have to run off. And if they did there was no telling they wouldn't get lost in a bog. Then there was the fact any trees around us were sodden, and therefore slippery. Manoeuvring in these conditions was damned difficult, if not impossible. This was pretty much as dangerous as it got on the field. Except perhaps mist. Oh please don't send mist our way, just give us that.

Far off on the horizon I can see the wall, a long grey strip that I never thought I'd be happier to see than in that moment. I give a cheer and point, my team whoop and we all speed up a little. Another thunderclap deafens us. But then I feel the ground go too. I cast my eyes all around and see the bleared outline of a Titan making its way towards us. Scratch that, it was two. A ten meter and a twelve.

I shout out the orders, and we break.

Naren and Kila would go for the ten. Me and Isa, with Jaren, would deal with the twelve. I go for the neck whilst Isa takes out the legs and Jaren goes for the arms. It all seems to take mere moments. We soar, we slice, we win. It's going beautifully, the corpse steaming beneath us. I saw Jaren slip a little but decide not to mention it, form wasn't our top priority right now, efficiency was. In the next second, the other Titan falls to the ground in a steaming mess, Naren and Kila made short work of him.

I'm about to whistle for the horses when more thunder envelops us; the sky and earth erupting as four more Titans leer out of a nearby body of woodland. I fire off a flare in an attempt to attract back-up. We have some time to plan, but with time to think, comes time to panic.

"Guys calm down, we can do this. I will deal with the two rear twelve meters by myself. Isa go with Jaren and take out the front twelve. Kila, you and Naren take out the fifteen. Got it?"

"W-we have no way of g-gaining height!" shouts Isa as I ready myself to run. "We'll be taken out in seconds, don't you have a s-safer p-plan? We can't—"I turn to her and slap her in the face, her mouth wobbling like a fish out of water. I wasn't good at dealing with mumbling at the best of times, and right now my patience was at its thinnest. Wet your pants all you like woman, its pouring rain and no one will see, but don't blabber at me. I give her a stern look and her mouth stops wobbling.

"Get it together Belon. We can do this. Trust me dammit!"

"Y-yes, ma'am."

"Aim for the neck immediately and use the Titan itself for height. Adapt. Remember your training. Now move or we won't be able to do a damned thing!"

"But—!" I shoot her a look and she shuts it. Thankfully.

We all run and I try to focus on my task. I couldn't babysit them, if I did then these two twelve metres would just come and kill us anyway. I zip onto the front twelve meter's shoulder, swinging under it to allow myself to be propelled up through the air towards the rear two twelve metre classes. I glance back and see my team going to work.

They could do it.

I latch onto my first victim, slicing into his neck with my thankfully perfect angle. It didn't happen often, but it was thrilling when it did. As it groans and begins to topple forward, I immediately shoot off towards its friend, swinging down and round the falling Titan for more momentum. Speed was key. As I soar through the rain, feeling like I'm swimming more than flying, I again glance over to my team. I shouldn't distract myself but I can't help it. Through the sheets of icy water I see someone running on the ground.

Dammit Isa.

The screams echo all round and I think I see Jaren grabbed by the front Twelve. Shit. I make quick work of my target, ignoring it's grabbing claws which I thankfully slip through. The neck is sliced and diced in seconds. It begins to fall and I fire myself forward with the help of my tanks. The rain is lashing down and I can barely see where I'm going. But soon the shoulder of the final twelve meter is in range, and I fire. My spine screams as the angle wrenches my body awkwardly. But I had to try dammit.

I stumble and slip against the rain-slicked Titan's flesh, left to dangle down the beast's front and watch the final moment when Jaren is bitten clean in half. His blood pours down on me, making me choke as it pours into my screaming mouth.

So quick, so pointless.

I ignore my clearly broken rib, and retract my wire, pulling myself up onto the offending shoulder. The bastard's dead before he even notices me. The nape of his neck falling in a streak of steam to the ground. I'm soaring towards the ground when I see Naren swinging his blade at the leering face of the Fifteen meter.

Where the fuck was Kila?

I turn and see her running towards Isa, or rather stumbling with one leg bitten in half, using a blade as a crutch.

What the hell had happened?

I fire into the Fifteen's calf but it kicks out and I'm flung back, tumbling over the wet ground to the point where Isa and Kila had managed to flee. I jump up and make to return to Naren's aid but just blink in time to see him ripped apart, his howls digging into my heart. Dammit.

I turn and try to focus my scattered mind on the other two. I want to throttle them for abandoning the formation, I want to pummel them into the ground for abandoning their comrades. For not trusting them. But I just make myself focus on getting them out. I could berate them later, once they were safe.

"That Fifteen is gonna come for us any second, you two need to be ready."

"Fuck that! We need to run!" Screams Isa, no reason left in her young eyes as she tries to stumble through the mud.

I whistle for the horses but they're nowhere to be found. Clever beasts had run as far and fast as they could. I scream after her, the rain and wind roaring, but I make myself heard. She pauses a little, but is still edging away. I point my blade at her, trying to ignore the spattering of Jaren's blood left in the grooves.

"Isa you can't outrun a Titan!"

"I can try!"

"Turn and fight, we can still do this. There's three of us, we can—"

"Fuck you!" they scream in unison and I stagger back a little, familiar thunder rumbling the ground beneath us. Kila hobbles a little, but manages to swing her blade crutch at me angrily. I stay put, but lean away a fraction, staring at her with incredulous eyes.

"You did this, you killed them!" howls Kila, releasing the blade at the last second. I roll back and decide I'll have to deal with the remaining Titan alone. I'm trying to convince myself of the fact that it's fear talking, not Kila. It wasn't Kila who just trying to stab me, it was her fear. But as I try and fire my wires onto the Titan that has just come into range, I feel my gear kicked off. Due to its design for falling off on impact, thus avoiding damage and potentially allowing retrieval, it falls to the ground a couple meters away.

I turn and see Isa and Kila running.

What was the old proverb? You don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to run faster than the person behind you. I turn to the lumbering monster and hear them scream as they outrun my momentarily frozen ass. It wasn't fear freezing me, it was clean-cut confusion.

How had this all fallen apart so quickly? We'd been such a good team. Why? I turn and watch the two girls fleeing, trying to make my mind work. I just needed a plan.

"You fucking murderer!" screams Isa, trying to help Kila. But as the thunder gets closer she drops her wounded comrade and makes for it herself. Selfish bastards. I turn and watch the Titan loom over me.

Well… shit.

Instinct finally kicks in. I grab my blades from my gear, jump over the great hand that swipes down to grab me, and run up the arm. I'm slipping and stumbling all the way, till I have to leap over another hand. And then I stab into its shoulder as it begins to run.

Shit.

It's spotted them?

I can barely see through the rain, and quite possibly my tears. The Titan lumbers after them and I desperately try to get some traction. I just need to get to the nape of the neck. I just need to kill it. I just need to save them. My team. Or what was left of it. No, fuck off guilt, we can dance that dance when this is over. Which it isn't yet.

I begin to stab my way across, unable to move otherwise without simply toppling to the ground and leaving the two girls to their fate. I feel the beast stop. It's found Kila. Her screams are killing me as I approach the neck.

"Kill it! Please! Kill it! I need to see my mother again! Kill it Robyn! No! Please! K—"

And with the guttering chokes I know I'm too late. And then the beast moves again, faster, desperate as it chases down the blonde who is wailing and jabbering. I see fire as I begin to haul myself up as the neck is in reach. Again the beast stops and I slam against its skull. Another broken bone. Crack.

"What're you doing?! Save me! We trusted you!" She's shrieking as I begin to hack and slice at the neck with my blunt blade. I grit my teeth as steam billows up at me, the nape slowly being sliced away.

I would make it. I would do this at least.

"You should've died! Not us! No! No!"

And as the nape is gone I know she is too. The blood is still dribbling from the damn monster's jaws as it falls towards the ground.

I don't even brace, I just hold onto my blade and let myself be flung forward into the muck of the earth. They were all dead. My entire team wiped out like ants on the pavement. Nothing had changed. Nothing had mattered.

I stare up at the sky as it continues to piss down on me. Blood is collecting at the back of my throat, I turn my head and spit it out, but otherwise I don't move. I can't right now. I can't wrap my head around this.

We had done so well. We had built such trust.

You should've died!

Kill it! Please! Kill it! I have to see my mother again!

No! No!

You should've died!

Not us!

You should've died!

The kid was fucking right, but as usual the universe was an unfair sack of shit. But then I remember how close it had been. Maybe? I sit up and run over to the inane face of the Titan, and I begin to try and pry its stinking jaws open. Maybe I could still be fucking worthwhile.

######LEVI POV#####

What a fucking mess.

The formation is useless in this weather. I ride out as Erwin instructs, and collect the rookies together. Safety in numbers had to count for something. I guess. At least this way I could keep a fucking eye on the damned brats. They all look shit scared already and we haven't even seen a damned Titan.

As I ride back into the centre formation, with two rookie teams with me I see Hanji is one team short.

"Where's Sanshi's team Hanji?" asks Erwin over a clap of thunder.

The glasses shrugs and begins to ramble on about them not being where they should've been. Why hadn't she been with them anyway? But then I realise she had to give extra aid to the now short-handed rookie team. So they left Sanshi alone? The brat was good, but that seemed beyond stupid. I glance at Erwin, how could one man be so tactical and yet tactless? Blonde bastard.

I didn't believe they'd gotten lost, Sanshi was a reckless moron, but she wouldn't lead her team off tangent in this mess of a day. Something had taken them out of formation. I yell this over at Erwin, and he agrees. Shocking as this is, I volunteer to go find the idiots. He nods and I break away, noticing Jeager, and that weird girl attached to his hip, following me. I really didn't need this right now.

"The hell are you brats doing? Get back in formation now!"

"We're helping Captain Levi, Erwin gave the okay!" Jeager yells above the din of the thunder. I roll my eyes but accept my entourage. Just more brats to look after. Great. What was I? A captain or a damned den mother?

I feel like we've been riding for hours, but without any debris or body parts in our path I still feel confident Sanshi will have got the brats out. If anyone was going to get those four useless cadets home, it was her. A fucking terrifying woman she was, but she was good in a tight spot. Survival was her base instinct. I relied on that. And her stubbornness, mules were more compliant than her. Another roll of thunder goes over us and I consider the fact that sometimes none of that mattered. It didn't matter how good, or stubborn, or instinctual you were. Sometimes life just wanted to smear your blood on the ground. I whip the reins harder and press on.

That idiot had best be okay, or I'd slap her senseless.

"A flare!" shouts the girl, pointing. I peer, but barely see it through the rain. Damn that kid had good eyesight. "It was definitely a flare, not sure what colour though."

"Then we'll assume they're still riding. Aim ahead of that point. Keep an eye out. They'll have gotten into trouble."

"Yes, sir!" they chime in unison and we press on. They were annoying, but at least they followed orders.

The rain only seems to get heavier as the horses struggle forward. Then I see some horses to the far left, and signal the girl to go and retrieve them. Sanshi's team had been forced to use their gear then - that much was clear. But the horses wouldn't have wandered far from the team, so where the fuck were they?

And then I smell it.

The stench of Titan steam and decomposition. How disgusting. But also encouraging. By the time we reach two skeletons left in the dirt, the girl has returned with the horses in tow. I look over the mound of bones, they appear be both Twelve meter classes. I knew that Sanshi's team could handle that much, so that didn't account for their missing.

Then we see the rest.

Holy shit.

Now comes the body parts and debris. Now comes the sickening loss of life. What a waste.

It takes a while but we eventually reach the end of the bloodied breadcrumb trail. In the wake of a steaming skeleton, goo still dripping from its bones sits Sanshi on her knees. She's facing away from us, but she's upright and moving. I look up to the pissing clouds, and accept that I owe someone upstairs a favour. I had to admit the brat was growing on me. At least I think she was, either that or I had seriously bad heartburn.

As I dismount I can hear her muttering.

"Open your eyes Isa. Just fucking open your eyes."

Over and over she says this.

I walk over slowly, not wanting to startle the raving lunatic. And then I gag a little. She's pressing relentlessly onto the chest of her teammate. Only that's all that's there. No head, no limbs. There were no eyes to fucking open. But on she goes. Her own clothes stained in blood, but I wonder how much is her own. With each push blood oozes from the corpse. This is revolting.

I turn to the two that had followed me, nodding at the body under Sanshi and indicating they should collect it. In this weather I couldn't risk going to get the other bodies, more Titans could easily come along. And enough death was feeding the ground for one day. They walk round in front of Sanshi as I kneel by her side and put a careful hand on her shoulder.

"Open your eyes Isa. Just fucking open your eyes."

"Sanshi."

"Open your eyes Isa. Just fucking open your eyes." She gasps, replacing some of the rain with her tears as she shudders under my hand. Suddenly she's not pushing on the chest palms down, she's slamming her fist against it. Hammering like her life depended on it. "Open your eyes!"

"Robyn!" I shout and she freezes. It's just the rain and her shaky panting now. I make no more move, I knew how deranged she could be, and I wasn't sure if she had a weapon nearby. I glance at the other two who are unfolding a blanket from a horse's pack. It'll serve as a body bag.

Slowly Sanshi straightens up and turns. The panting still rattling from her as she stares my way, not really seeing anything. There's nothing there. No pain, no fear, nothing. Reality wasn't somewhere she wanted to be. I knew the fucking feeling well enough. But on her, where there was usually a mess of emotion and tells, it was damned terrifying. Her mouth opens and she takes a deep, thought choked, breath.

"I should've died. Not them."

The other two flinch as these dead sounding words roll off her tongue. I meet her gaze and hold my nerve against the unyielding gold of her heavy lidded eyes. It wasn't a question, it was a damn certainty in her mind.

"We need to go." I don't bother disputing her statement, this wasn't the place or the time.

"Yes, sir."

And with that she stands up, and begins walking towards the horizon where the wall is in sight. Ignoring our horses completely. I sigh and go after her, the other two are wrapping up what little was left of Cadet Belon and loading it onto Jeager's horse. I signal them to head off back to formation. My other hand landing on the no longer shaking shoulder of Sanshi. She's like a statue; cold and obstinate. I'd been hoping she wouldn't join that club for at least a little longer.

"Cadet Sanshi, get on my horse."

"Yes, sir."

I almost wish she'd fought me on it. I wish she'd thrown a punch, bared her teeth and screamed. That was the Sanshi I knew. But as I climbed onto my horse and tugged her up behind me I still saw nothing in her eyes, no fire, no drive, nothing. I grit my teeth and hold her hands against my stomach as she holds onto my waist, I hold her hands to make sure the idiot doesn't just let go and fall off. It seemed likely.

She's still mumbling but I block it out, wondering whether or not the whole team had been lost. She wasn't ripped in half or bleeding out, but I wondered how much of her mind would be left after this. The kid had seen shit and dealt with plenty of it too, but this was beyond that.

I cringe against the memory of my own Squad plastered against the forest. Blind eyes staring, demanding to know why they died instead of me. Why I hadn't saved them. Why my orders hadn't worked. Why I hadn't… there never was an answer. This was a pit not easily crawled out of. I wasn't sure I had even managed it myself. Since that mission I'd been that much less accepting of Erwins's orders. But as a soldier you just had to fucking get on with it.

The only thing that has really changed since that mission was meeting this maniac. She allowed distraction, she gave almost as few fucks as me. It was refreshing.

As her mumbling continues I wonder if I'll be able to help her how she helped me.

I watch the gate and formation come into view and hold her hands a little tighter. I would help her. Dammit, I had to. The woman was ridiculous, insane and reckless to the point of being deranged; but our late night meetings had lit a fire in me for the first time in too many years. I wasn't ready to have that flame lost. No matter how hard the rain fucking poured.

#####ROBYN POV#####

Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon, and Neran Torl.

These were the four names, the four lives, I'd successfully failed, and wiped out of existence.

Good job.

I think we've passed through the gates, it seems like mere minutes later though. How can we have all died so close to the wall? So close to home? I don't dare look back though, I just concentrate on the heartbeat I can hear through the back of my Captain. So steady. How can he be so calm? The Captain is holding my hands like a vice, I consider that he probably expects me to try and run off. In all honesty I probably would, but for now I'm just focusing on the strength of his back. My own spine seems to have given up as I slump my head against his shoulder blade.

Am I speaking?

I can feel my lips moving, but I can't hear the words. I can only hear the clack of the horse's hooves against the cobbles. We must be at the back of the line, I hear no horses behind us as we traipse through the streets. Despite the weather, some townsfolk have still gathered to welcome us home.

The Wings of Freedom.

Little did they know we were drenched in the blood of the young. Thanks to me.

"What a waste…" The bitter mutters begin and I feel the hands on mine tighten a little. Is that for me or him? Probably both.

"Fucking joke really."

"What do they expect if they go waltzing out there? Idiots. Of course they're gonna die, they might as well line up and jump off the wall. Suicidal morons."

Nope.

That's the straw that snaps my patience. I tug my hands free from the Captain's grip, this made easier by the fact we're both drenched from the rain. I slide off the horse and walk, or possibly stumble, over to the fat rat of a man. How could such a pathetic creature think himself worthy of questioning brave soldiers?

His yellowed eyes look me up and down, but when they hit my face he goes pale. I bet I looked a little scary. I probably looked nuts. My eyes are wide, they have been since the muttering began. I can feel myself twitching, and shuddering as I try and steady my voice. My hand grips his sweaty throat and I lift him an inch from the ground. My strength surprises me, fuck knows what he's thinking.

"How about we take a little trip up the wall? Would you like to see the view from your pen, you useless pig?" I say it blankly, barely recognising my own voice as it falls like a gravestone onto marble, whilst I squeeze his windpipe. It'd be so easy to snap, to just pop open and let the useless life drift out of him. Why did shit like this endure, and yet those willing to make a difference anded up discarded in tiny pieces?

There's a hand on my shoulder. It holds tight as the voice of my Captain rumbles into my ear. But I can't make out the words, I can only see this man in my grip shake his red cheeked face, filthy hands clambering at my unyielding grip. I throw him into a nearby puddle, enjoying the mud that splatters over his disgusting face. He looks more like a pig with each passing second. I loom over him, almost convulsing with the shudders that are running through my body. I don't think I've even blinked yet. The Captain is still holding onto my shoulder, but he's not tugging me back. I think he knows he can't at this point. I stare down at the filthy man in the puddle, his pathetic eyes wide as he watches me bare my teeth at him a second time.

"We don't waltz. And we expect to help humanity. We expect to come home with progress made, we expect to at least find the people left in this stone cage to respect us. We don't expect a fucking parade, but I do expect you to keep that slimy tongue behind your crooked teeth from now on. My team died for you. Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon, and Neran Torl. I will not have you squander their memory. I will not—"

And suddenly I'm on the floor.

Ow.

I wonder if the captain got sick of my words, but then I spot him across the street. Whoever has done this had clearly come from nowhere. I look up to momentarily see an enraged, bearded face before a fist slams into my head, and a foot kicks my stomach. I'm surprised it didn't break right through. I'm about to fight back when I hear his broken voice and freeze.

"You killed my Isa? My little girl!"

And the attack continues. But I can't fight back. Not this time.

I've already sat up, but I just stay there, on my knees staring up at him. I can't even make the apology leave my mouth. It's strangling me as I comprehend the unbridled grief and rage of this man. Isa's father slaps me, kicks me, punishes me for my failings, and my wide eyes just keep staring. Blood dribbles from my nose and mouth, but I only grunt as his boot hits my ribs again. This was a father who had loved his daughter. I didn't really know what that felt like, but I knew what his grief felt like as it created fresh bruises and wounds. Carry on sir, destroy the monster who let your girl die. I glance at the man I had previously berated, he's just staring at me in fear. I wonder what kind of monster I seem to him.

I had hated my father for years for killing my mother and brother, and yet here I sat, having killed four people's children. I wasn't as bad as Vincent. I was so much worse.

Suddenly there's rushing footsteps and I see the Captain shove Isa's father back. He makes no other move except standing in front of me. I try and focus on what he's saying, only really hearing out of one ear at this point. But it's no use, it's just thunder rolling around my head as I sag forward and cough up blood. Damn there was a lot.

I wonder if the man is planning on attacking the Captain. But apparently Isa's father isn't an idiot, knowing full well who's talking to him. He backs away, rough sobs ripping from him as he fades into the crowd.

I can still hear his cries as the Captain puts his hands under my arms and lifts me up to fling me over his horse. I lie there, facing the sky as the horse is lead onward. I stare up as the rain begins to stop, a few droplets spattering against my upturned face. I know there's pain, in fact there's a lot of it. But I refuse to whimper, I refuse to sob. I had no right to. I just try and suck the bitter air in through my blood caked lips.

I'm not doing very well am I Keza?

But at least I'm alive right?

I must've passed out on the way back to HQ. When I wake I see a blinding white light. That made no sense. It should be fire and brimstone surely? Then I smell chemicals and realise I'm in the infirmary. Well that made more sense than heaven at least.

I peer to my left and to my right, but everything is simply swirling colours and a few faint echoes. I sit up, ignoring the pain as I shift myself to sit against the head of the metal bed. It's icy but I just sit there and stare around me, waiting for my eyes to adjust. Gradually the room becomes clear; the other beds are full, cadets walking to and fro, chatting and soothing. Comradery.

I look down at my filthy hands, blood dripping from them like a river. I try and wipe it onto my blanket but it just smears there, taking nothing off my hands. Dammit. This would take years to clean off. I wondered if it would ever even dry?

I see a figure appear at the foot of my bed. It's Eren. He walks towards me, green eyes bright as he gives a nervous smile. I think he's talking? His thin lips are moving, making his soft cheeks shift and crease. His mess of brown hair is ruffled and he runs a hand through it, a blush appearing on his face as I fail to respond. My face feels like a mask, unmoving and unyielding. But I don't want to break it. I wonder what would happen if I did. I'd probably start screaming. That would just be irksome for everyone, no need for such dramatics.

I slowly blink and nod at Eren, I had no idea what he's saying, but I thought I'd at least let him know I could see him. His mouth hangs open for a moment, I think he's pegged that I'm not understanding him. He puts a shaky hand on top of mine and squeezes. I look down and notice the tan of his skin against the pasty white of mine, blood oozing between our flesh.

I looked dead.

Dead.

I flinch and see the four cadets. They're lined up round the bed, torn apart, steaming and decomposing in front of me. I shudder and gasp as I cling to the bed sheets, a weird sobbing noise spluttering out of my chapped lips. My vision blurs and I feel hot, angry tears pour down my mask. But otherwise I maintain the porcelain armour. I slam my hands against my head, pummelling my skull as I demand answers.

Why wasn't I quicker?

Why didn't I plan better?

Why didn't they trust me?

Did they know I'd fail? Of course they fucking did, you moron. Dammit Vincent, why didn't you just stop me when I was eight? So many fucking lives would've been saved from my wake.

I feel something pierce my arm.

I snarl and grab the syringe, flinging it across the room before trying to get out the damned bed. I think I'm screaming something? I don't know where the hell I think I'm going, but I don't get far. Soon enough my face smacks off the cold ground. I can't get up as I stare at my outstretched hand, pooling blood over the otherwise clean floor.

Blood was a bugger to clean.

The Captain would be displeased.

The shadows take me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah.. intense... hope you guys enjoyed.
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Oh and as always, feel free to leave a review, both positive and negative is welcome, I am here to learn. And as always a favourite or follow always makes my day and is highly appreciated.
> 
> Have a good day!
> 
> P.S I have started creating art for this fic, I say art, I mean attempts at it, but its all on Deviant Art under the id: Frantastic1993. So if you're interested, go have a gander at it, if not, carry on as you were!


	10. Lullaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! More Levi POV in this chapter :) quite a bit actually...
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own AOT.

Red and silver flash through my dreams. Voices scream in my ear, echoing as I run and slip in the mud. But I look down and see it isn't mud, I'm clambering over countless corpses, faces drawn and pale as they stare at me. They demand to know why I'm still breathing, why am I running free? Why does my weak heart still beat and refuse to be silenced? I feel arms wrap round my legs and begin to pull me under. I submerge beneath the pile of death and feel blood flood into my mouth and nostrils. I'm drowning in it as I scream and claw out. I don't know why I'm fighting, I don't deserve to survive any more than they did, but still my body thrashes against it.

Selfish bitch.

"Dammit Robyn wake up."

I slam against the mattress and stare up at the silver gimlets of my Captain. His hands force my shoulders back into the mattress and I just let myself fall limp. Now blinking, not reacting other than taking a long, calming breath that rattles as it enters my shivering body. My muscles ache. Presumably I'd been thrashing in my sleep. He sighs and sits down on a chair. I turn my head to him and watch him as he watches me. Our expressionless matching.

"You probably woke the whole fucking HQ."

He looks to the side and picks up his cup of tea, steam rising as he sips it, eyes trained on me once more. I look back up to the ceiling, not needing his judgement on top of my own. I try and move my arms, and find they're not bound. Odd.

"I didn't think binding you would help the dreams."

I nod. My fingers twitch against the sheets, sticky with sweat and blood. My throat pinches and I long for the sweet oblivion of liquor. I needed a drink. I needed an escape. Perhaps it would numb me enough to allow the shadows to finish the job? But even as I consider this my body tenses, prepared for a fight. Dammit, just give in you fanatic.

"Say something Cadet."

I turn to him with a raised brow. He waits, eyes watching my lips. I look back to the ceiling and slowly part my lips, but a small whimper builds in my throat and I feel my eyes widen as I prepare to scream the hospital wing down. I just clamp a hand over my mouth and shake my head, clenching my jaw against the howls that ache in my throat. I hear another sigh before a weight appears on the bed by my hip. His boots lean on the bed as he leans back in his chair. He was in for the long haul. Idiot, didn't he know this ship had sailed?

"Guess I should've seen that coming. Just try and sleep Cadet."

He won't take no for an answer, I know this. I nod and let my eyes flicker closed, gripping the sheets as the images return. But I keep them closed as the minutes crawl by, it's excruciating but I stay silent, waiting for him to fall prey to sleep.

Eventually his breathing slows and deepens.

I carefully open my eyes and peer to him. He's asleep. Or at least he's doing a damned good job of pretending. I slowly sit up and swing my legs out of the bed. I stumble a little, but soon enough find my feet. My civvie clothes are next to my bed, I grab them and shrug them on, ignoring the ache of my bruises and healing injuries.

I knew what I needed.

But then I pause at the hospital door. I couldn't face the punch-bag in this state, the damn thing would just laugh at me.

I knew what I wanted.

I head for Hanji's lab and am thankful to find it empty. My feet are caked in mud now, no shoes were left for me, but I continue into the dank little outhouse, squelching my way across. I rake through the cupboards and grin as I find the cupboard filled with clear glass bottles.

Sweet, sweet medicine.

I take three bottles and hold them under my arm, I then go to the bathroom and grab a scrubbing brush. It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it. I walk around aimlessly for a while before I realise where I want to be. I want to see the stars. I head to the roof. No one is around, I guess it's in the middle of the night?

I shove the door open to the roof, jamming a splinter of wood in place to keep preying nosy bastards out. Or in. I was the one outside after all. I snicker as I go and sit on the edge of the roof, enjoying the free air that tickles the muddy bottoms of my feet. Oh dear, I glance at the muddy smears across the roof. Had I tracked mud all the way through the castle? Well, it was easier to clean than blood. If I'd walked on my hands, the place would be dripping rubies.

I pop open a bottle and bring it to my lips, letting the clear liquid douse the screams down to small sobs. The screams still try and escape, but I just bite down on the bottle opening, the glass squeaking against my clenched teeth. The escape glugs down my throat, and I concentrate on the fact oblivion would be here soon.

It's late.

The lazy bastard doesn't actually arrive till I'm finished the second bottle, belching a little loudly as I hang back, legs holding me in place as I throw my arms out. I feel like I'm floating. Or was it flying? Or even falling? I absentmindedly ask the world why I'm still here, but as per usual there is nothing but annoying silence. Really it was just rude to not answer. It was a simple enough question.

And then I feel the trickles going down my wrists and I shudder.

Lazily I look around through glazed eyes and grab the scrubbing brush.

It might take all night, but I'd get these hands clean.

LEVI POV

"What do you want Levi?"

Dammit brat, say it again.

I can't understand why my name sounds so good coming out of that brat's mouth. But whenever it slides past those red lips I feel a little warmer. She's hovering just above me, her warm body so fucking close. It's torture but I just stare, staying put as she enjoys her little game. The moonlight shines in her golden eyes, like a wolf on the hunt, she smiles oddly sweetly.

Dammit she was beautiful.

Fiery red hair in cascades just below her slender shoulders. Golden eyes framed by thick dark lashes, sun kissed skin beautifully smooth though littered by scars. She was lean and powerful, not skinny like those other brats, she was woman, not a girl. And those damned lips. The smirks, the smiles; the way she bites them when she knows she's said too much, or used too much profanity.

Dammit she was intoxicating at times.

"You." I manage to say, entire body aching to just grab her, rip what little clothing she has left on and fuck her senseless. I wanted to claim her, make those lips scream my name. Then I gasp as I feel her long nails scrape along my belt line. You have got to be kidding me woman. I wonder if she's forgetting that I could snap her in two if I wanted. I look down at her, noticing the tint of red across her face as she mischievously grins. "Now."

Finally she undoes the belt and button. I can barely breathe as I she kisses down my chest and over my stomach. Fucking hell, this woman knew what she was doing. I feel her chest softly dragging down, I peer down and swallow hard as she tugs down my zipper with her teeth. Holy shit. I can't take this much longer woman, I hope you realise this. My hands twitch, wanting to run all over her, feeling every dip and curve.

Suddenly her mouth is back on mine and I let go a little. Hunger is all I feel as I grab the back of her head and pull her closer, salivating at the taste of her tongue. I can't help but groan as I feel her elegant hands trace my dick. Fucking hell, I nip at her tongue and lips as my need rages in me.

I needed this. I hated needing anything, but I needed this.

Dammit, I needed her right now.

Bang.

I sit upright and blink wearily at the waking world. Fucking hell, it was just a dream. Then I smirk a little, at least it was a memory too. My lips are tingling at the echoes of my dream but I grumble a little, why the hell had the door slammed right then? Couldn't I at least enjoy a fucking dream? And now my tea's gone cold too. This just gets better and better.

I look to the hospital door. Whoever that was, better not wake the brat. She needed sleep, I hoped it was dreamless at least. Damn woman was a wreck. Understandably so, but I knew her scattered mind could only deal with so much.

I clench my jaw a little as I remember that bastard slapping her in the street, what kind of man punishes a woman like that? I knew what grief felt like, but surely he could see it in the Cadet's eyes as he beat her? Surely he saw how dead inside she was because of the loss of her team. Damn moron. I wanted to tear his bearded head clean off, but I knew it'd do no good. None of it ever did.

I watch shitty-glasses walk towards me, looking rather confused in her dressing gown. I got up and walked towards her a little awkwardly, fucking tight trousers.

"What the hell Glasses?" I hiss, "You wanna wake her up?"

"Wake who up? She's not there shorty!" She hisses right back, turning me roughly by the shoulder.

I only then notice the lack of lump in the bed. Where the fuck was she? I notice her civilian clothing is gone and groan, what was the idiot up to now? Then I feel cold. I know far too fucking well the kind of thoughts that plague a mind after losing an entire team. I grit my teeth and turn back to glasses, who is looking round the hospital as though expecting Robyn to be hiding under someone's bed. C'mon glasses, that'd be too easy. Plus we'd have heard her muttering, or giggling.

"Why are you even here? How'd you know she was gone Glasses?"

"A cadet from the third floor said she heard some weird noises coming from the staircase, then singing. Kid thought there was a ghost. So I came here to see if Robyn had gone wandering. Guess I was right!" She grins and I just stare for a moment, waiting for the penny to fucking drop through that cluttered head.

Ding.

The glasses flash and she's suddenly dragging me towards the staircase to the roof. I wonder why I'm not running full pelt. Then I notice the knot in my gut. Seriously man? This was no time to be a damned brat. I grunt and shrug off shit-glass's clammy hands, striding in front of her. The closer we get to the stairway the louder that weird melody gets. I didn't even know Robyn sang.

Damn… it was creepy.

A few cadets are looking out their doors, rubbing their eyes as they stupidly look around, slack-jawed idiots.

"Go the fuck to sleep." I snarl at them, bounding up the stairs three at a time till I'm at the door. It's never locked, and yet now I can't get the fucking thing open. I hammer on the wood. The song simply continues. What the hell was she doing out there? There's no words, she's just letting those eerie notes fly up into the air aimlessly. Nutter.

I look at Hanji who just shrugs back uselessly. Thanks miss scientist, a great help.

"Cadet Sanshi. Open this fucking door." I hammer on the door again. The song stops and I hear a laugh, a strangled sound that makes my skin crawl. "Now, Cadet."

Nothing.

I hear footsteps and suddenly Jeager's there with a few of his friends. Great, more brats.

"What's going on Captain?" Jeager asks, suddenly going pale as he hears the singing start up again, a little more frantic now. Like she's rushing towards something?

I shove my shoulder against the door, ignoring the stupid question. What did he think was happening? A damned party on the roof? Maybe a talent competition? Or even a cooking lesson? I wonder how well his stupid self would work as a battering ram against the door. I hear glasses voice as she turns to explains to the idiots as I step back to kick the damn thing down.

Surely she wouldn't do anything stupid? She fought too hard to give in so easily. But my mind fizzes as I remember the darkness a mind distraught was capable of. But she wasn't like me. She wasn't that fucking weak.

The door splinters beneath my boot and I stride out into the frigid night air. And then I stop. I can't do anything but stare at the woman before me. The husk of a woman.

She's sat on the edge of the roof's little wall, two empty bottles of Glass's brew discarded beneath her. She's swinging back and forth, almost toppling off the roof with each swing as she continues to sing, her arms making weird little jerks each time. What the fuck was she doing? A pause comes to her creepy little song and she looks over her shuddering shoulder. I swallow hard as I take in the pale face leering back at me. Her eyes are empty looking, dark bruising surrounding them as she smiles over at us.

The rest of the group linger behind me.

"Oh hi, sorry... w-was I being too loud? I-I was just s-singing the troops a lullaby… I h-haven't sung in ages. Good thing too I suppose. Nobody likes to hear a cat being slammed into a wall." She chuckles coarsely, slamming her hand against her head a second later, leaving a strange red smudge there afterward.

Why was there blood on her hands?

I take a step forward but a hand holds me back. I look at the hand, and feel like ripping it off, but the Jeager kid just stares at me, eyes wide with warning. This was a tricky situation. I got it kid. I nod at him and turn back to the woman as she finally stops hitting her head and laughs a little more genuinely. The beautiful bubbling noise seems so out of place here.

"B-but they said they liked it, they said it helped a l-little, so I thought I'd keep going y'know? But… but then they got m-m-mad. D-didn't you guys? You didn't want to heart me sing? N-Nah… k-kinda rubbing it in. I'm still here whilst they're plastered against the ground."

"Cadet, Sanshi?"

"Tiny little bits, spread like chunky jam over dry toast."

"Robyn?" I edge forward, her pale eyes flash to me and I freeze, watching for her making a move over the edge. I mean, she was well over already, but I didn't fancy watching her make the literal jump as well. But a smile creases her golden gaze and I breathe a little deeper. There's a quick wave and she tilts her head, hair cascading over her shoulder.

"Hey there Captain."

"Hello Cadet. I need you to—"

"I'm sorry but I think I failed… I-I think I b-broke my promise?"

"What promise cadet?"

"I-I think I got attached… no…" She frowns and slams her hands to her temples again, I don't show it but every time she does that I feel my chest tighten. Fucking idiot was going to turn her brain to mush. "No… I didn't p-promise did I? But I-I-I can't stop it. They w-won't go away. Captain, they won't stop screaming at me, and my head hurts! W-why won't they stop, sir?"

"They will Cadet." I try and find the right words. This was not my area at all. But it was clear none of the useless shits behind me were planning on helping. So I just try my best. I had to at least try. "Just give it time. They'll stop... I promise."

"Y-you do?" Her expression clears a little.

"Of course, you just need to come over here."

"And that'll stop them?" She frowns and I nod, outstretching my hand towards her. But she just throws her head back and laughs, suddenly jumping up and wandering along the roof's edge, wobbling all the while. I feel like charging over and grabbing her, holding onto that slender waist with all my strength, ignoring her screams and flails. But I can't. I'm quick, but she's damned quick too.

"You're lying Captain. You're just pissed because I-I went and wasted more lives. Well I tried okay?! I t-t-tried to save them! I tried!"

She turns, angry now as she jabs a bloodied finger into her heaving chest. Her hair falls in front of her face and she bares her teeth, her old fire now prominently on show. How I hoped she wouldn't burn out. I lower my hand and keep my face composed.

"I'm not angry Cadet."

"Pfft, you're always angry, ninja man." She sniggers, holding her stomach as she leans back with her laughter. I edge forward again as her feet edge back, heels dangling off the roof. "But I guess you mean y-you're n-not angry at m-me?"

"Correct, Cadet."

"Y-You're a fucking moron." She cackles, a bright blush on her face. I clench my fists. Treading lightly was doing nothing, I needed to get a hold of this lunatic before she sent herself to her death. After everything it'd be pathetic for her die that way. Plus she'd break anything below her, and make a big mess. I wasn't going to clean that up.

"I will be angry, Cadet, if you don't get your ass over here now."

"B-but I haven't got it all off yet!" She whines, falling to her knees beside her remaining half bottle of poison. I take another step and she suddenly looks panicked at my closeness. She grabs something and seems to scrub at her hand? My mind flashes back to the bathroom where I found her, shivering and quiet, scratches all over her hands. Fuck.

"I can't get them c-clean C-captain. It won't come off!"

Then she grabs the bottle and pours it over her hand, the liquid turning red as it pours across her gaping wound and splashes against the cold stone. I can hear the whimpering of the group behind me, all wanting to help, and all desperate for this to end. I swallow hard as I take in the sight of what she's done. Half her left hand is gone, I shudder as I see bits of bone where she's worn right through. The pain is clear to see in her face as the alcohol burns into her. Tears streak her pale face. So much passion in one person was dangerous.

"I'll help."

"R-really?" she stammers through her clenched teeth, still pouring as she stares. I nod and lunge, closing the gap and grabbing her wrists. She tries to fight me, but she's like a child against my strength. I'm probably bruising her, even spraining her wrists, but I just pull her down form the wall, ignoring her as she kicks and screams. Dammit woman let me help you. Please.

"It won't come off! It won't!"

"It will Robyn, it will." I put my arms round her shoulders and hold her to my chest as she wails and sobs, hands clawing at my back as he tries to fight me and the demons off. I stroke her hair, hoping the madness will ebb soon. She begins to jabber again, muffled against me but loud enough that I know the whole group can hear.

"I-I should've let them outrun me, then the bear would have left them. I should've trusted their plan!"

Bear?

"They just needed me to stay put! They were so clever Levi!" She gasps, I pull away a little, looking down at her suddenly excited face, eyes wide with fresh tears spilling out. What was she talking about? I wait and she gives a disturbing smile.

"I was meant to be the decoy! Remember? You just have to outrun the person behind you. Then the bear won't get you! I tried to kill the bear though… a-and I f-failed… but they were so clever, they got r-rid of my gear and everything. They tried to help me do the right thing and I ignored them! W-why did I ignore them!?"

"How did they help you Robyn?"

"Isa, or was it K-Kila? They kicked my gear off… I could… what did she say? Sh-she said… You fucking murderer!" I cringe back as she howls into my chest, suddenly clinging to me as her knees give out. I go with her, holding her closer, as though I could hold together as she crumbled in front of me. Right now I feel like I can't do a damned thing. I can't even fathom what she's saying.

Her team had used her as a decoy? I think that was what she was saying. A bear… that was it, you didn't have to outrun the bear, just the person behind you. They left her to die and tried to save themselves? I grit my teeth against the rage, those fucking brats, they didn't know she'd have done anything to save them?

"You're not a murderer."

"Oh but I am."

Her voice is suddenly calm and cold. I could barely keep up with this seesaw of emotion. She tenses, letting her arms fall to her side, nails scraping against the stone below as she tries to grip onto something. I'm slightly glad she hadn't done that to my back. Shivering returns to her frame.

"I am no better than them. I'm no better than him."

"Stop it." I snap and she jolts a little, but only continues.

"I've been killing for a long time."

"Sanshi, stop."

"I killed my mother, I killed my brother, I killed my father. I killed those women who hurt me and my friends. I killed myself. I killed those c-cadets."

And she tries to push me away, feeble as she leaves bloodied stains on my shirt and jacket. Her words are tumbling out of her, no reason or meaning to them. They're nonsense and nothing more. I try and keep my cool. I just have to get her back to reason. She knew the way back, I'm sure she did. She had to.

"G-get back, all of you." She croaks, efforts weakening as my hold on her only strengthens. I had to hope. I had to believe that the woman I gave into was in there somewhere. "G-get away C-captain… Or I'll k-kill you too."

"You haven't killed anyone."

"N-no you don't understand Levi! You don't know! There's too much blood. Too m-much, and it's all over me, I can't get it off. I can't get clean. I-I need to go, I-I need to get over the wall… I need to—"

I slap her.

"Levi!" Hanji shouts and I can hear scuffling. Stupid brats. I glance back to glare down the Jeager kid as he tries to fight off his comrades to get at me. Smart kids. He catches my gaze and falters. Yeah, that's right brat, you know I'm just trying to help. You know that better than anyone.

"Cadet Sanshi look at me." I say, composing my expression as she looks up through her tangled hair, mouth gasping for air as her wide eyes watch me emptily.

"Y-yes, sir?"

"You will listen. You will understand."

"Yes, sir."

"You are not a murderer. You did not fail. You will not let this beat you."

"Yes, sir."

"You will calm down, shut up, and you will let us clean you up. You will obey."

"Yes, sir." She whispers, closing her mouth and biting her lip a little. Slowly blinking as she focuses on her orders, like the brilliant soldier I knew she was.

I stand up, taking her with me. But I soon find she can barely walk, either due to exhaustion or her late night drinking game. I quickly swoop down and hitch her up into my arms, cradled against my chest as she stares straight ahead. I wonder what she sees. Or if she sees anything.

I look up at Hanji and our audience, they all stare at my charge and seem lost. I could understand it, she was a tough little shit, and this was a sorry display.

"Hanji, come with me to the infirmary and we'll get Cadet Sanshi bandaged. Jeager, go to Hanji's lab and get some healing serum. Plenty of it. Kirschtein, grab those bottles and dispose of them. The rest of you, get the fuck back to bed. No arguments. Go."

We set her down in the bed and clean her up, I'm careful as I can be with her mauled hand but she doesn't respond at all. She just stares forward. I think I preferred the mumbling. The healing serum is applied, and she lies back, letting Hanji tuck her in gently. Still no change. I wonder if she's even blinked. The silence is heavy, but I know we can scarcely imagine the noise going on in that head. That crazed, scattered head.

"You gonna stick around Levi?" Glasses says, her voice is coarse. I think she's been crying. I turn and nod, keeping my face blank as my comrade gathers her things and heads for the door. She pauses to turn and fight against a wobble of her bottom lip. "You think she'll be able to—"

"She'll pull through. Got to bed Glasses."

She nods, a small smile in place as she turns and heads to her quarters. I wait as the door swings a little, till finally falling closed with a soft click. Silence retakes the infirmary, only a few whispered breaths from the sleeping patients around us. I clench my fist and turn to see her still staring up at the ceiling, I don't bother saying anything as I go and sit in my chair. I pick up my book and try to concentrate on the pages. But my eyes keep flicking back to Sanshi and her blank mask. She just keeps staring up. I click my tongue and turn a page. I have no idea what I'm reading right now.

I think a couple hours have rolled by, a faint light breaking over the horizon. I hear her take a deep, almost smooth, breath. I glance her way and watch as she slowly blinks. A single tear rolls down her cheek. I wipe it away with my thumb.

"Get it together Sanshi."

"Yes, sir," she whispers. She almost sounds like herself.

I freeze, hand resting by her head, keeping my mask in place as she turns her head to me. The gold is cold as it stares into me. I don't know what she's looking for, I have nothing to give her but orders. But then she smiles. It's faint. But it's there.

"G-Guess I got a bit carried away?" she croaks, eyebrows raising as a blush appears on her pale face. I sit back and put my boots on her bed, needing some space between me and that almost adoration filled gaze.

"Just a bit."

"Did I hurt anyone?" She sniffs and clears her throat a little. I shake my head, keeping my eyes glued to her in case she makes another stupid move. "Good... Did I puke?"

"Amazingly enough no, brat. But you did fuck up your hand." I nod to the bandaged lump at the end of her arm. She raises it and frowns a little, her bottom lip jutting out a little.

"I think I wanted to get it clean…"

"Well it's definitely that. Idiot."

"Sorry, sir."

"You've done enough wallowing tonight. Get some sleep." I pick up my book again, more using it as a shield than anything else. I can hear the heaviness to her breathing, but it was to be expected. I hear her finger scrape against the bed sheet as she attempts sleep, but soon enough her eyes fly open.

Too much noise.

"How do you do it?" her voice is so small, I can't deal with this side to her. This wasn't her.

"Close your eyes, brat."

"Sir." I sigh at her pleading voice, a small shudder running over her body. "Please? H-how do you face anything else? I mean… it's hardly the same situa—"

"If you claim that I'm not to blame for my Squad's death, but you're to blame for yours, I'll kick the shit out of you Cadet. Got it?"

She nods.

I groan and sit up, leaning on my knees as I search for the right words. I had no magical cure. No sure way to deal with this shit. It wasn't something we, as humans, were meant to deal with. None of this shit was. But the kid was hurting, she'd been decent enough to help me. I had to at least attempt helping her.

"Time helps."

She nods.

"And getting back out there to finish the job. Other than that, brat, I can't advise much."

"Okay, sir. I'll do that." She whispers with another weak smile, "But… will the faces ever stop living behind my eyelids? It's getting pretty crowded back there…"

"Who do you see Cadet?"

"I see my mother, my little brother, three little girls, you in the Titan's hand, and now my four cadets. Soon I'll have a small country." She yawns and rolls onto her side, still facing me as she rests her hand under her pillow. "I s-suppose if my mother's face still hasn't faded… I know the answer to my own question."

"Guess you do."

"S-Still want a liability like me on your Squad?"

"You know the answer, idiot."

"Guess I do." She closes her eyes, smile still shakily in place. "Thank you, sir."

"For what?"

"Putting up with my shit."

"You had the guts to put up with mine. Least I can do."

She frowns, eyes still closed, I realise she thinks I'm only doing this out of pity. In all honesty I don't know for sure that I'm not. But as I watch her lie there, still, pale and weak I feel that weird sensation in my chest. Images of the vibrant, alluring woman I gave into that night. Eyes on fire as she dragged her nails across my skin. Such fire. She was a reckless moron, but dammit, sometimes the world needed that.

This isn't pity.

I don't really know what it is, but I know it isn't pity.

"I promise I'll get better soo—"

"Take the time to heal, Cadet. I'm not going anywhere." I snap, eager to have her rest instead of worrying about such moronic things. Surely she knew I wasn't about to leave her in the dirt? I never left anyone behind if I could help it. I sit back and rest my boots on the bed. Her frown smoothens out and I think she's falling asleep at last.

Finally, damned brat.

I glance to the window, hoping Erwin isn't moronic enough to try and give her another team to look after. She was a great leader, and I knew she'd have done everything and anything to save those damned brats. But this was too much. She was still young. Heck, there was still something salvageable in that scattered head of hers. He had no right to jeopardise that. But then I consider who I'm thinking about. Of course he fucking would. I'd have to talk to him. Thankfully he hadn't been around for this outburst. His trust in this woman's stability wasn't great as it was. But he'd listen to me, this time, I'd make him listen.

Or I'd rip those fucking eyebrows clean off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> As always, please follow, favourite and or review. Both positive and negative is welcome - i'm here to learn after all. Is anyone actually reading this?
> 
> P.S I've started creating pics for this fic, its all on Deviant Art under the id: Frantastic1993, if you're interested. Thanks, have a great day


	11. Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again reader, another installment for you! For those that aren't keen on them, small 'intimate' scene contained in this chapter. But otherwise, just the usual strong language etc. such potty mouths here!
> 
> Hope you enjoy, as always leave a review etc. if you feel so inclined! It all helps, and it all makes my day!
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own Attack on Titan.

NORMAL POV

It wasn't until a week later that I was able to sit up properly, and chat without stopping to shudder. It was frankly pissing me off. I knew this would take time, but my impatience with myself only grew with every shudder, every wince. I was alive, I felt like I should be more thankful for that. But whenever I dared think of being grateful, the guilt just slapped me round the head all over again. This cycle was getting dreary, I had to break it soon. As the days went by, I think it was my Captain that knew all this the best. Everyone else would paw, and fuss, but he just let it play out, and continued like nothing had happened. It was the best thing for me. I kept telling the others I was fine, but I guessed they'd heard this too many times. It wasn't getting through anymore.

The healing serum was doing wonders and by the end of the second week I was able to go bandage free. The sensation was amazing. I still have a pink scar running across the back of my hand. But I don't really know why. No one will tell me what I did. Except that I got drunk and started doing something to my hand, and singing. Or wailing, as the Captian put it so nicely. Eren seemed the most unwilling to expand on the night's events, his eyes turning sad and downcast if I ever dared bring it up. So after a while I stopped. The truth would come out. It always did anyway.

The Commander enters the hospital, and I hear his low voice rumbling to one of the nurses. Was he coming my way? I had wondered why he hadn't visited me before, but Hanji explained he was unaware of my after-hours fun time. Thank goodness. But still, as he appeared by the end of my bed, began to say something the Captain appeared.

The hell was this about?

The Captain was firm as he stood between the Commander and the end of my bed. Not blocking anything really, the Captain barely came to the Commander's chin. But the effect seemed to work, the blue eyes of the Commander suddenly glued to his subordinate in distaste. But as silence rules I just pulled my covers a little closer. This was tense.

"Captain Levi, please do not interrupt. I have business to discuss with Cadet Sanshi. Kindly move out of the way. Now."

"Not a chance."

I tried to figure out what exactly it was in the Captain's voice. It wasn't concern, it wasn't arrogance. Was it possession? I bloody hoped not. I was in no fit state to battle it now, but as soon as I was, that shit had to go. Then again I could have been wrong. It may well have just been he had a sore throat.

My powers of judgement were far from returned.

I kept seeing shadows of my team, and holding back my screams whenever they appeared. They weren't real. I knew this, I believed this. And yet terror gripped me like a fat man clinging to the last piece of bread. The shadows were paler every time, and no one knew I was still seeing this. I just had to pause and count to ten, smothering down the shrieks burning in my throat. Then I could continue as normal, blaming it on a potential burp trying to escape. Although I had my suspicions that this excuse was wearing thin on the Captain. One woman couldn't be that gassy.

But still, the two men stood there, squaring off. I felt like there should be dramatic drums going on in the background, but I fought the temptation of banging on the table to my side.

"Captain Levi, remove yourself."

"She isn't ready."

"I think Cadet Sanshi is perfectly capable. She can speak for herself, and lead another team."

"Yes, you think, and I know, she isn't. Leave her alone Erwin. We already discussed this."

"Time is—"

"Against us. I know that. But forcing that woman back into that situation? You'll not only have a potential team wipe out on your hands, but her loss as well. Is that what you want?"

Captain Levi walks back over and sits by my bed, glaring at the Commander as he leans back in the chair. He crosses his leg over the other, and folds his arms against his chest, raising a brow slowly. Such sass in that man.

Really, I'm just staring at this point. How the fuck did the Captain know me this well? Had I been talking in my sleep? I trace my lips with my slightly shaking fingers; I really hoped I hadn't been talking in my sleep.

"Of course not." The Commander sighs heavily, and looks at me in an odd way. Is it hope? Expectation? I can barely read them anymore, I hold my breath and wait for the question. I could tell, despite Levi's attempts, the Commander was going to ask anyway. "Cadet Sanshi. Would you be willing to lead a new te—"

"Please don't make me kill anyone else." I gasp, meeting his surprised gaze with wide eyes. The Captain almost stands again but waits to see where this leads. I grip my sheets and try to steady my voice. "I-I'm sorry Commander, I know it's a l-let down but… I can't do it. Maybe in the future, but r-right now? I can barely think for ten minutes without those faces appearing. I know it's weak. I know it's pathetic—"

"That is not what it is Cadet." Interrupts the Commander, pursing his lips. "I forget your youth, and inexperience with such tragedy. I apologise for my presumption."

"I-it's nice that you b-believed in me sir. But it's like Captain Levi s-said. You'd only be killing them, and probably me as well. Then again Fate has a funny way of sparing me…" I mutter looking down at my bed, still unsure why I was the one who got out alive.

"No need to use the past tense Cadet. My belief remains."

And with that the Commander salutes; and walks away, sighing all the while. He's not disappointed in me, I don't think. But he's disappointed in something for sure. Himself? Pfft. Not likely. I look down at my lap, and consider the fact that Erwin seriously thought I'd be good to go with a fresh team after two weeks? Two fricking weeks? I understood his awareness of time being against us, but surely he had to know this would knock me down? I'm nuts, but I am still human. Then again, perhaps I should take it as a compliment. He saw me as that jaded, and fucked up that he thought I'd brush it off and carry on.

Wait… that is not nearly as complimentary as I expected it to be…

"Don't worry, he'll drop it." The Captain is sipping tea, and reading a book, occasionally glancing my way. I sit back and cross my legs, twisting to crack my back and then my neck. Damn that felt good. "You creak like an old house."

"You look like an old man."

"Glad to see you're feeling better, brat."

"Enjoying your book?" I lean back and sigh at the cold of the metal nipping my spine. He shrugs and lays it to the side, draining his tea and setting that down to. This is all very calm. It was a little unnerving. But as the comfortable quiet continues, I wonder if this is my chance. "Captain… can I ask you what happened that night? What did I do?"

I'd asked him before, but he'd periodically ignored the question and moved onto the next subject. But this time he paused. Hesitation meant consideration. I kept quiet, running my finger along the strange outline to the pink scar on my hand. I don't remember biting into my hand, but it seemed plausible that I'd have thought myself a Titan. Drunk me, was weird. But I had heard someone mention scrubbing.

He was watching my finger, eyes tightening a little with reach lap my finger made.

"You sang. It was fucking creepy, but… shit, brat it was good too."

"Thanks… I think?"

"You were stinking drunk, and mad. I don't mean your usual either... You said, you were singing your troop a lullaby. You kept talking like they were there. It was ridiculous."

"Yes, sir."

"Then you started saying some shit about them helping you do the right thing?"

He pauses and watches me closely. I don't remember saying such things, but I know what I was referring to at the time. The clunk of my gear hitting the mud, the fact that Isa and Kila simply needed to outrun me to survive. Or at least that was what they thought. I can't quite believe I'd said it, but I guess that was what they had tried to do. They'd tried to help me save them. At least, that was one way of looking at it.

"They abandoned you to escape didn't they cadet?"

"They were kids. They were scared." I tug at a loose thread on my sheet, gritting my teeth against his judgemental face. This wasn't right, they weren't villains. And I certainly was neither a hero nor victim. He hadn't been there, he hadn't seen the fear. He trusted me, he knew me, so he was automatically giving me the benefit of the doubt? I frown, that didn't seem like the Captain at all. Perhaps he really believed I was good enough to lead. I sigh and close my eyes, he wasn't wrong often, but he was definitely wrong in believing that.

"They should have trusted you." He growls, impatient at my denial of their 'crime'. But I refuse to allow him this, I look at him sternly and click my tongue.

"And that's my failing."

"Hardly."

"I should've known they didn't trust me, and I should have said my team wasn't ready. Other teams said it, so why didn't I? Because they said they trusted me. And like the fool I am, I fucking believed them. Too desperate for it to be true, to actually see the damned truth."

"You can't read minds."

"But I can read people. Or I thought I could…" I shake my head, shrugging in defeat as I scrape my hair back. This was clearly a pointless argument. And one neither of us was about to yield on.

"Robyn—"

"What else did I do on the roof?" I interrupt, replacing my anger with pleading. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He was getting irritated at me, but it was better than pity.

"You started dancing along the wall, nearly falling off a couple times. Idiot."

"That could have been messy…"

"Then…" he cringes back a fraction. "Then, we realised you'd been trying to clean your hand. No idea how long for. But considering I could see bone, I'd say a fair while. You kept pouring the alcohol over it too. It looked damned painful, but on you went, like the nutter you are."

"And they say you're a clean-freak…" I pinch at the pink skin and lie down on the bed, tugging my sheets to my chin. "That it?"

"Pretty much. Although you did try and push me away when I finally got hold of you."

"Would you rather I tried to fuck you in front of everyone?" I snort, ignoring his flash of anger as he looks around the room. Then realising no one would actually think I was serious, he leans down my level and gives a low growl.

"You could try, brat. But I'm not that easy."

"Sure you are." I laugh, hiding beneath the covers for a few moments to let the rage disperse. He flicks at my forehead through the fabric and I snigger darkly.

This felt good, there were no eggshells left to tread on.

"Starting to feel human again, Cadet?"

"Slowly, sir. Thanks."

"No problem."

"Did… Did I say anything else?" there's a pause and I know my hopes of that being it, are about to be dashed. Why was I such a talkative drunk?

"You were asking us to get away from you, before you killed us all."

"Wow, what a cheery drunk I am…"

"Comedic genius."

"But… I guess I had a point. An awful lot of people I get close to are now dead. Then again, I guess that can be applied to almost everyone in this regiment. I'm not special in my close dealings with Death. Greedy bastard that he is."

"Fat bastard."

I chuckle again, tugging the sheet off my head and smiling at his smirk.

"Guess it doesn't make much sense to ask you to stay away."

"No?"

"Fire works best when kept at close quarters." I snigger, gently touching his knee before retracting my hand and snuggling up to my pillow. A comforted feeling filling me as I nuzzled the soft fabric. I glance at him, and grin at his devilish smirk.

"Indeed it does, Cadet. Glad to hear you're still up for that."

"Me wearing a chastity belt is hardly going to bring my team back. If I'm the only one left alive, then I'd be best living. And I happen to enjoy our campfires."

"Mm, they have their enjoyable moments… Hey, Jeager, she's awake."

He signals the boy who had presumably been edging over from the door. I exchange a look with my Captain and he gathers his things to leave. As he walks away, he doesn't bother to glance back over his shoulder, then again why would he?

I look to Eren and smile broadly, something clicks in his young head as his green eyes shine a little. Suddenly he stumbles over and throws his arms round me, holding tight as though expecting me to vanish. I chuckle and pull him onto the bed a bit, leaning back and stroking his soft brown hair. What an adorable idiot.

"Hey Eren, what's with the dramatics?"

"You're back." He mumbles as he nuzzles into the crook of my neck, tightening his hold round my torso. I'm glad my bruises are gone, although I think he's making new ones. I just sigh and kiss his forehead.

"What're you talking about? I've been talking to you for the past two weeks! Didn't they count, or something?"

"N-not really…" he sits back a little, taking tight hold of my hand and carefully rubbing his thumb over my scar. "You weren't really there, I could see it in your eyes."

"But now I'm back?" I ask, widening my eyes so he can have a proper look, his wobbling lips break into his sweet smile and I just poke his cheek. "You're adorable Eren, ridiculous, but adorable."

"I missed you." He pouts at my comment and I just sit back, squeezing his hands.

"Missed you too."

"Really?"

"Of course, idiot." I sigh, enjoying the joy radiating from him. He was such a source of calm, of comfort. Of hope? I tap his nose. "Fancy getting some tea? I have a craving…"

It's another two weeks till I'm allowed to leave the infirmary. By this point my hand is only marred by the paler flesh of my scar. It'll linger for a long time, but at least now it isn't bright pink, and cheering to world about my lunacy.

I sit amongst my comrades in the mess hall, and listen to their tales about training, all the incidents, and Jean's fuck ups. This always leads to a spat between him and Eren, and I always just share a look with Mikasa as we sit back and wait for them to burn through it.

Speaking of burns.

I occasionally catch the Captain glancing my way, to which I nod and smirk when he quickly looks away again. He always frowns as well, annoyed that he'd been caught? Or annoyed that I had looked at him? Men were marvellously easy to play with at times. But we hadn't actually lit a fresh blaze yet, I wasn't quite ready for that kind of connection. He understood, he was a prick about it, but he didn't force me. Not that I was full on torturing the man. I kissed him, he kissed me, occasionally things got a little heated and suddenly our hands had minds of their own. But ultimately, we stayed vertical. Albeit leant up against the nearest wall panting as we redo our uniform, smoothing down our hair. I feel like a damned teenager, sneaking behind corners and making out. But they were small episodes of blissful distraction, so I wasn't about to object.

I shared in everyone's jokes, I joined in a little training to get myself back up to speed. But I still sought solitude a fair amount of the time. I couldn't even look my fellow rookie's in the face yet. No one whispered at me, no one threw me looks, but still I felt the shame. I also wasn't sure if this lack of judgement was genuine acceptance, or the result of the Commander, or Levi ranting at them.

Either way, I didn't have the courage to ask them, afraid that it might be the latter.

Either way, it didn't excuse my shame, my guilt… my regret.

While alone I didn't sit and cry, I wasn't letting myself be that pathetic. Mostly I just sat and tried to steady myself. I focused on all we had accomplished, on what had gone right, and tried to focus on what I could do with the life I still had. I would not waste it. It was difficult to do this, I always felt like I was rationalising for my own benefit.

But really was that so bad? I'd sit and stare at people training outside, I'd watch birds fly above HQ, I basically watched life happen around me. I marvelled at how the world kept turning. Perhaps rationalising was all we had in this situation. As humans, we weren't built very well to deal with death. We had an abnormal attachment to life. So it sort of made sense that we had to convince ourselves that death was okay, when really we're hard-wired to rebel against it.

It was now two months since it had happened. I sat on my little wall on the roof and watched the birds fly overhead again. My tea steamed in between my hands, a small chip in the rim of my mug as I ran a finger along. It was weird how time just kept slipping by despite our personal tragedies.

Today we'd just got back from a small patrol outside the walls. No encounters had happened, just as planned, and amazingly enough I hadn't found myself freaking out. I hadn't frozen, I hadn't even cried. I just rode on, keeping my eyes trained on the horizon and my formation. Perhaps it was being back in Levi's Squad, perhaps it was the pep-talks I'd been given from everyone. Perhaps it was the three shots Hanji gave me of her special brew. But ultimately I think it was because I was beginning to properly heal.

I smile as I sip my tea and breathe out into the open air.

"Isa Belon, Jaren Kezen, Kila Sohon, and Neran Torl."

I whisper and smile softly, letting the damned tears fall gently.

"I hope you can forgive me, but I mainly hope you're at peace. If not, I'm so sorry, feel free to haunt my little life from now on. But…" I stare at the setting sun and feel the ache deepen in my chest, making me feel a little hollow till I sip my tea again and distract myself. "But today is when I start to live again okay? You'll always be in my head, you'll always have taught me countless lessons. But I can't let your losses rule me. Otherwise I can't keep going. I can't keep doing this okay?"

There's no reply of course. It'd be fucking terrifying if there was. But I like to think there's mutual agreement, along with a hair flick from Isa in all likeliness.

Her father had stared me down at her funeral, watching me as I placed a flower on the memorial, but he didn't say anything. I turned to him and shared in his stare. But I maintained my composure. Slowly nodding to him before returning to my regiment, clinging to Eren and Mikasa's hands as we headed back to headquarters. The other parents hadn't approached me, I assumed they either hadn't wanted to know who was responsible. Or they'd decided to not give a shit about me. In all fairness, they may have forgiven me. I didn't know. I didn't really want to. Forgiveness wasn't something I wanted, it wasn't something I really believed I deserved.

"I hope you guys got to wherever you hoped to go, and I hope I can use the time I still have to make a difference. That way you're still making a difference okay? I promise."

And as I finish my tea and stand up to salute the sunset, I feel a little closure settle around me. It wasn't an instant fix, it would still hurt like fuck whenever I dreamt of that day. But at least now I could at least try and walk past my guilt if it tried to block my path. The bugger was strong now, fed over years of mistakes and regret. But at this point I could still overpower it. And I would continue to do so until the last moment.

Tomorrow is a fresh day of training, and I had a funny feeling Hanji was chomping at the bit to carry on with her plans from that day so long ago. Before the training, before the missions. I didn't even know what she'd asked me and Eren to her lab for. But I had a feeling I'd know by tomorrow. She had been a little fidgety the last couple days. Continuously pestering Erwin at every meal, and whenever they were in the same corridor, or room. At one point I could have sworn I saw a look of pleading from Erwin, but I just held my hands up and walked away. One lunatic at a time Erwin, my involvement would likely only worsen it. Whatever it was, I just hoped he gave it to her before she had a haemorrhage through sheer desperation.

"But what do you think she wants?" asks Levi as he pours me some more wine, I sigh and swirl it in the glass.

"I haven't a clue, but I'm just glad I'll be there to keep a leash on her."

"How so?"

"She gets so carried away with Eren sometimes."

"You baby him too much."

"I never got to help my little brother grow up, so I guess I've adopted Eren into that position. I dunno… I just feel like I need to help him out." I sip my wine and smile, "Plus he's too damned adorable."

"Adorable…" he repeats with a grimace, I squint my eyes and lean forward from the edge of the bed. He's sat at his desk, and looking a little overly thoughtful since Eren came up in the conversation. Levi sips his wine and clicks his tongue, glancing at me for a second before sipping his wine again and wrinkling his nose. "He's such a brat."

"Mm… but he is lovely."

I can't help but laugh as a flash goes over the silver eyes. He turns at my laughter and frowns, taking another drink of his wine. This was too good. It had been almost two months since I'd really felt like laughing, but right now I could feel it bubbling within me. It felt weird, but nostalgic. I grin and give a small giggle.

"You're fucking jealous!" as soon as I say it, his eyes tighten and he clicks his tongue again.

"Shut up, brat." Do I see the faintest, slightest, hint of a blush?

"Pfft, silly old man." I snigger as I drain my glass, and plonk it onto the desk. I grin as I stand in front of him and climb onto his lap, he shifts a little uncomfortably but it's mainly because he doesn't have much room in his lap right now. Or his trousers. It's been a long time since we've been this close, when all alone. He's found it difficult I'm sure. I know I have, but I've been held back by all the recently acquired baggage. I keep our eyes locked and lower myself till my lips are brushing his gently, I can hear the ragged nature to his breathing. I know his impatience.

"You silly, silly man. I'm only stoking your fire, got it? No need to be jealous…"

"Mm."

"What is it Levi?" I purr, resting my hands on his chest. "What do you want?"

I had to take note that this phrase was clearly a trigger. There's a smash as he lets his wine drop to the floor, and suddenly has me underneath him on the bed. I pant a little and put a hand to his cheek when he pauses, eyes scanning me for protest. He looks so calm and collected, yet I can feel his throbbing pulse through his skin.

"Thank you for being so patient."

"Don't get used to it."

"Of course not, sir."

"What's different now though?" even as he's asking he's lowered himself to grind against me, lips gently pressing to mine as he winds his arms round my waist. I kiss the crook of his neck and sigh as he runs his hands all over my body.

"I decided to start living again."

And with that a fresh fire blazes.

He's gentle to an extent, peeling away my clothing like he's unwrapping a gift. With every bit of cloth he removes, he kisses the exposed skin softly, like saying hello to an old friend after a long time. I run my hands through his raven hair and lose myself in the feeling. My head fizzes a little as I let myself enjoy this, but I refuse to let the dark thoughts in. He's soon tugged his own clothing off and chucked the blanket over us, creating a cocoon of bliss for us to linger in. He kisses me deeply, tasting so wonderfully familiar as he presses his body to mine. It's so warm, it's so real and alive under here. I gasp as he gently runs a hand along my thigh and caresses me, chuckling a little as he feels how ready I am for him. But I just chuckle back, fully aware that I was at his mercy. I hated to admit the fact, but right now I needed him in charge, I needed him to lead me. I run my hands through his hair again and bite my lip as he kisses under my jaw, lingering to lick at my skin.

"Please Levi…" I whisper, tangling my fingers in his hair and bringing him back up to kiss again. His breath fills my lungs and I moan as my heart swells, beating faster and brighter than before.

"What is it, Robyn?" he murmurs, chastely kissing my lips. "What do you want?"

"Help me feel human again?" I breathe and he pauses, taken off guard as I confess the truth to him. He looks down at me with serious eyes, everything frozen for a few moments as he hears a slight hitch to my voice. My eyes are prickling and I think he sees them shine before he gives the faintest smile and nods, kissing me tenderly before doing exactly as I asked.

We moan together, a strange melody of pleasure as he glides into me. I wrap my arms round his neck and bite down on his shoulder a little. The warmth, the pressure, and the way I can feel his heartbeat through every bit of skin that touches. It was something I'd been afraid of feeling again, so much connection to another beating heart, one that could so easily be stilled. But as he moves, kissing along my throat and collar bone, murmuring my name under his breath, I let myself savour the sensation. Whatever this was between us, it felt different somehow. I frown as I try and understand it, but my mind becomes dazed as the electricity buzzes in my nerves. It didn't matter what this was, I shift and kiss him deeply, breathing his name raggedly as he picks up his pace. My legs enfold his torso and pull him closer, they force him deeper.

"Nngh… Robyn…"

"Levi…"

It didn't matter what this was.

It was now, and it was good.

My voice breaks and I call out his name, back arching as the electricity shorts and I feel sparks ignite my nerves. It was glorious. I was alive and I felt everything. For the first time in months I hear my heart beat loud and proud in my ears as we collapse together into the soft mattress. There's silence as we breathe together, but soon he winds an arm round my shoulder and pulls me to his chest. I rest my head there and smile as I continue to hear his strong, beating heart.

It didn't matter what this was.

I was alive.

This was living.

****

Hanji takes me and Eren inside with a pout. Patience was not her strong suit. The hut is dark and at first it's impossible to see anything through the gloom. Eren and I stumble across to her desk and sit down, very aware of the bubbling flask of liquid currently over a burner. It's a pale yellow, and had it not been for the sweet smell of the room, I'd have assumed Hanji was experimenting with bodily fluids again.

She explains about a new serum she's made, and I can't help but look to Eren. He hadn't mentioned Hanji taking any more blood, but then she explains it's herbal instead. It's designed to make Eren's Titan ability stronger when he needs it. I'm nodding in approval, as strong as Eren was, there was no harm in giving him more defence.

But Eren's just sitting there very quietly, looking at his hands until the explanation is over. Then he looks at me in panic, demanding why I'm here, and refusing to be put against me. In truth I understand Hanji's offended expression. It was a little bit of a harsh assumption of Eren's part, but my inclusion does seem odd. She then explains that she wants to try it on me and see how it effects my fighting abilities. Apparently it was my outburst with Vincent that inspired her to try and make the serum. I flinch and blush a little.

"You're welcome I guess?"

"It's an amazing thing Robyn, your rage was pure and undiluted, to the point of making you black out! You were able to rip him apart with your bare hands, it's a lot of strength! Sorry… Levi told me… but anyway, I know that means a lot of adrenaline. The serum doesn't affect your rage, only your strength. So you'll be your normal self just a heck of a lot stronger."

"M'kay…" I remember how easy it was to rip out the jugular vein and wonder why she thinks I need more strength. Then again, it's probably more that I'm tough enough to be a test subject, and then allow other recruits to use the serum for battle.

"You okay for trying this? I just thought you were a good candidate considering your fighting ability, and how well you reacted to the healing serum."

"Yeah I'm good, and I'd rather it go wrong on me, than anyone else."

"It won't go wrong!" she pouts, but then gives a small smile and shrugs as she blushes. "And I thought it might help you get back to your fully badass self? A wee pick-me-up after a few months of… well… not so pick-me-up?"

"Sure Hanji, thanks." I return the smile and she beams, dancing in her seat a little. I roll my eyes and give a sigh, she was getting carried away again. "However Hanji, I think I should be chained up or something, just to keep me in place and avoid any unnecessary damage."

"That seems a little over the top doesn't it?" Eren throws me a frown, clearly not liking the idea of me in chains. I had begun to wonder why I felt so responsible for Eren, assuming he had become a kind of little brother to me. But I now wonder how often he considers me a sister? Or at least something that needs protecting. "Hanji said it won't affect your mood."

"And how many tests has Hanji run on humans?" I look to the woman and she shakes her head, I nod and smile at Eren's sweet, but misplaced concern. "I'm the guinea pig, and I'd rather not risk anything bad happening. To anyone. A chain latched onto my ankle is hardly going to be painful or anything Eren. With a decently long leash I'll be able to try out the serum on the training dummies, whilst remaining in the training area. Simple."

"Sounds good to me." Hanji says with a small clap of excitement. Eren purses his lips but when I continue to smile his way, his worry melts and he gives a weak nod. He's not happy, but he knows I won't be dissuaded.

"So then Hanji, what's the plan from here?"

"Well, Eren will be down the well as usual to contain him, so we'll see what happens there I guess! And we can grab a shackle from his cell in the basement for you, Robyn. Oh it's all coming together!"

"Yay, experimenting on friends and binding them in place!" I cheer, Hanji throws her head back laughing in a slightly manic manner. This only makes Eren more tense.

"Exactly! Such fun we shall have, on this journey of discovery! And together! Right… enough frivolity. Let's get you set up shall we?"

I sit against the wall I'm now attached to and look up at the sky. The sun is blazing down without mercy, and I can taste the compound's dust coating my tongue. I felt like a bug under a kid's magnifying glass, then again, I kind of was. Only it was a pair of glasses, and less of a kid, and more of a mad scientist who had me chained to the spot. A fun day.

I laugh softly and lean my head back against the wall. How had it come to this? I was just another rookie, making her way into the squads. And now I was a well-known rage monster being experimented on by Hanji herself. How the simple do rise. Some developments were more welcome than others.

I smile and imagine the heat of the sun is his body pressed against mine, it felt good. I open my eyes and look to the ground, hoping no one had seen my blush. Come on Sanshi, don't start that now. Last night had been amazing, but it was no reason to get all sappy. The Captain didn't want some doe eyed little girl worshipping at his feet. If he did, there was at least twenty other rookie's he could have chosen. But no, he had chosen me. And why the hell had he done that?

I put my head against the wall and sigh. I had no idea. Not a damned clue really. I remember his harsh words the first time he'd ever spoken to me directly, I'd had my straps done wrong and he wasn't pleased. The way he yelled still rang in my memory. Merciless, harsh and terrifying. I'd wanted to be anywhere but in the onslaught of his rage. Now? Well that remained the same really, our mutual understanding and late night meetings, didn't mean I was immune to his rage. He was patient with me, but still didn't put up with my shit. Such an odd man. I laugh at my own impatience to understand him. There wasn't any rush to know him completely, and I wasn't sure I ever would. Plus, it wasn't like he had me pegged, he'd even admitted that. He didn't understand me a shred more than I understood him.

At least we were equal in our confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are, SLIGHTLY, less intense than the previous chapters, but I think everyone needed a breather right?
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Thanks!


	12. Too Soon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy, as always leave a review etc. if you feel so inclined! It all helps, and it all makes my day!
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own Attack on Titan.

At least we were equal in our confusion.

I look down at my chain. I hope it holds. Then again this was the same kind of chain they used to restrain Eren when they'd first feared him. If it was strong enough to potentially deal with a Titan-shifter it would easily contain me. I shift it and am comforted by the weight.

Eren is still stood at the lip of the well, talking with Hanji as she explains what the serum will do and how it will feel. As she told me, it'll make our muscles probably tense and stay that way. It'll basically just feel like we're on high alert, but when we go to make a move, we'll have a lot more power. But when I asked for what kind of percentage we were talking about she couldn't answer. So really it could be 10% or even 250% more strength. I look to the chain and focus on its weight. The serum wouldn't affect my mood. Hanji had assured me of that. She knew what she was doing.

Eren takes the syringe from Hanji, I guess that he's insisting he administer it himself once safely contained. Always so careful. Always so afraid of hurting others. That boy had as much compassion as he had determination, and that made him more unique than anything. As he descends, giving me one last wave and smile, I hope he does okay. The Titan form still frightens part of him, I can't imagine how it wouldn't, but I know he'll crack it one day. If anyone was capable of controlling such a beast, it was Eren, he had a fire in him I had never seen before. I almost hoped I never did again. That kind of fire inside a person tended to leave scars. He was too good for such branding. I look down at my arm, and frown at the criss-crossing of scarring that mars my flesh. I look like an old atlas. Some from battle, some from Titans, some from mankind itself.

I was like over used blotting paper.

Hanji heads over, another syringe ready to go. It glints in the sunshine like her glasses. I hope she knows what she's doing. But she usually does. I calm my quickened heart, and think about how this could benefit the regiment. It's meant to give me strength and make my skin tougher, if this works, countless lives could be saved.

This could really make a difference.

I could really make a difference.

I could make my survival worthwhile.

I recite the names as she gets closer and closer. I keep repeating them as she reaches for my arm, tugs up my sleeve, binds a belt round the top and slaps at my elbow crease. Well she's not new to this for sure.

"Hanji? Where are you going to be whilst this is all going on?"

"I'll be at a safe distance, don't worry, you're not gonna hurt anyone but the dummies okay? I promise." She suddenly gets bored waiting for my veins to respond and jabs me, pushing the serum in. It stings a little as I scrunch my nose. "Now let's see what you can do, kiddo."

"What the hell is going on?"

Aw shit.

Me and Hanji turn to Levi as he marches over, his eyes glued on the syringe. As Hanji tugs off the belt and puts my sleeve down, she smiles nervously, patting my arm tenderly. I try and give him a pleading look, but he's just staring at the needle. This looked like it would be ugly. His mouth lifts at the side slightly.

"Hanji that better be a vitamin shot."

"It's just—"

"An experiment?" He slaps it out her hand, glancing to the well before back to her with narrowed eyes. If looks could kill Hanji would have been dead for a week. I shrink back a little, hoping he doesn't aim that same fury at me. He was a scary bastard at times.

"I told you no more experiments. What did you give her? What did you give him?! You…"

He continues to barrage her with his rant, but I shiver as suddenly I can't hear them. My ears zone in on the irritated grunts of Eren down the well, presumably the serum isn't doing anything to him. I hear a bird tapping the window across the courtyard, chirping happily. Yet right in front of me is a blur, a mess of echoing sounds and sluggish movements. Levi's dark hair swirls into Hanji's face, giving her a strange beard. I laugh and lean against the wall, gasping as it feels like all my flesh was just torn off. It wasn't, but damn that hurt. I turn to gently press my finger to the stone, it looks like razors and feels the same, but my finger remains unharmed when I look at it. So everything's heightened. That's ok. It's fucking uncomfortable, but ok. Then again this would hardly be good in the battlefield, everything would be more painful. I'd have to tell Hanji.

A weight touches my shoulder.

I turn to stare into Levi's molten pits of silver, whilst his pale lips move quickly, perhaps he's shouting? I'm not sure but I just squint and smile, studying the fractal colour changes as the silver is hit by sun and shadow with each blink. Why was this suddenly so clear? I guess my focus has a lot to do with it. There's anger there, but mixed with concern, and a lot of it. How weirdly paranoid he seemed all of a sudden. How had I never seen this before? So much was in those eyes and yet they seemed so unreadable to me before. I was clearly blind. They're a tempest of withheld emotion. I want to run through the rain with him, exploring it together, facing it together as the storm rages on. I wonder where this is coming from. The serum was sending my mind into overdrive clearly. A strange, sappy overdrive. Ugh.

My muscles twitch, the serum making its way through me. I feel myself tense up, each muscle stronger and faster, just like Hanji said. But how much stronger? Which was it? 10% or 250%? Somewhere in between?

I back up from Levi and hold up a hand, I don't want to try and gently shove him away and end up breaking him in two. Weirdly enough it was me who was the stronger one now. That sounded very wrong. The tingling continues till I feel like I could lift the whole headquarters above my head. I look at my hands, they're like marble in the sunshine.

Now I was the weapon.

Now I was coiled to kill.

I look at my ankle and shift the leash. It rings loudly and I grimace, I could handle a damn serum, why chain me up? Seemed a bit over-the-top. I shift it and begin to walk, breathing deeply as I look for a dummy to try out this heightened body on. One stands, looking at me blankly. I grin and do a spin kick. There's a weird popping noise and suddenly the wood splinters, the entire dummy shattered. I stumble back, looking down to find my boot burst open, but my foot unharmed. They needed a serum for the damn uniform. I'd need new boots now. Dammit, the Captain would be pissed about that. What a stupid brat I was.

Again I laugh but stop when the shadow of Levi gets closer, I look up with wide eyes, what's he doing? He's reaching out, both hands palm forward and a worried frown smudged over his face. I don't think he quite understands the danger I pose.

I back up, shaking my head, and looking at my hands. I stumble a little when I reach the end of my leash and I tense. Stupid thing, I needed to get away before Levi got too close and made me hurt him. I grunt and tug at the chain, it falls apart like over-cooked pasta. I begin to back up quicker as an echoing yell comes from Levi, and he tries to run to me. I shake my head and try to warn him.

"Stop. I-I c-can't control this Captain." I flex my mouth, feeling like I'm slurring. Damn this serum was strong. "Just leave me. D-Don't want to hurt you, okay?"

I am careful to use his title and not his name, I can't see her but that doesn't mean Hanji wasn't nearby. He'd be pissed if I used his name in front of her, it was only mine when that door closed. Out here I was just a brat. He was the Captain. But weirdly, still my Captain, and therefore something I needed to protect.

I turn and run, I had to get away. He was the last person I wanted to hurt. My mind fizzes and blurs, I groan and stumble to the floor hard. A thirst engulfs me, smothering me. My mind swirls and warps till it lands on the image of Jack. He is looming over me, hand on my throat and knee rammed between my legs. A deep growl rumbles in my chest. Piece of shit. How dare he do that to me? I was his comrade, and he looked at me like I was a toy he'd just bought. Fucking bastard. How did he get to live, whilst my team had died? Why was it, the scumbags always lived?

Guess that makes me a scumbag too...

I jump to my feet and check behind me, the compound is nowhere to be seen. How far had I run? I turn and try to remember where they had moved the wretch to. I sigh and begin to jog back round towards the compound, keen ears honed into the memory of Jack's raspy voice. I'd find him, this body would help me do that at least.

I could still make a difference.

"I made a stupid mistake!" I hear the shout like the ring of a bell.

My hands twitch as I dart in that direction, following the pathetic whining. What if it had been another girl? What if he had hit her over the head first and just had his way. What would he have actually done to me if I hadn't managed to fight him off? I feel myself wretch but push myself faster.

"Nothing even happened, she's just exaggerating! C'mon I've been here for months!"

The smell of damp hits me and I remember. I look around and notice a small building at the edge of the old training forest. They had begun chopping that down for supplies. So it was remote and lonely. Perfect.

"Stupid slut." This barely comes through, it's little more than a whisper. I run for the building and just hope he's been left unattended, no need to harm anyone else after all. I just wanted him to feel fear, I wanted him to know the sense of powerlessness. I wanted him to scream. I wanted some justice in this bastard world. For me. For everyone.

"They can't keep me here for-fucking-ever, I'll get out. Then I'll get that bitch. And Levi, fucking tool bastard."

"And what exactly do you expect to do to my Captain?"

Jack sits up in his cell but clearly sees the challenge in my expression as he shrinks back against the back wall. His mouth stretches and I assume he's just called out for help.

Not a chance.

I pull at the cell door and throw it back against the wall as it crumbles into my hand. Hot rage fuels me, and his face warps into Vincent's, then to Jack's, then to Vincent's. Back and forth the face shifts. I shake my head to clear it but on it goes.

Damn ghosts won't leave me be.

I reach out and hold him to the wall like he did me, I move delicately as I don't want this to be over too quickly. I want this to be a slow burn, not an inferno.

"Exaggerating was I?" I ram my leg between his legs, again his face stretches into an echoing cry and tears dribble down his pasty face. "You won't be hurting anyone else will you? Vince-Jack."

Suddenly there's a sharp pain in my head. Shitting hell. I crumble to the floor, howling and holding my skull as knives of pain dig through my mind. They're cold as they dig deeper, slicing and dicing up my insides as their merciless path deepens. Images flicker all around, all the dead watching me, judging me, hating my still beating heart. I slam my hand against the cell floor and howl again. It won't stop.

I look over and see Jack scramble away. I wait for the pain to subside, well aware I can catch up to him soon enough. He wouldn't escape me. No. I had to make a difference.

As soon as the pain pauses, I sprint after my prey. But as I break out into the open air the sun blinds me, bringing back the pain tenfold. I fall to the ground holding my head and screaming as the pain tightens. Fuck this serum, strengthening? This wasn't strengthening, this was damned torture. I gasp as I think of Eren, oh god no. Please tell me this isn't happening to him. Please. But then I remember his frustration down in the well, I heard him, nothing was happening. He was okay. He was-

"P-Please make it s-s-stop!" I wail as tears fall from my eyes, and I hear a strangled laugh and look to see Jack limping away towards an approaching group of people.

Why was it, this man was always sneering when I was in pain?

I hiss and lunge after him, catch him by his hair and look to the oncoming group. Levi, Hanji, Mikasa and the Commander are running towards me. Each face fearful and each mouthing something. All except Levi, he's as composed as ever. Though perhaps there's a hint of anger? They're all yelling. But I only hear weird echoes. I flinch as more pain cuts into me, but now it's at my heart and I gasp, clutching at my flesh as my breath is stolen.

God dammit this was stupid.

"S-stop it… gah… please!"

"Crazy bitch…"

I drop him and fall to the ground again, this was fucking ridiculous, for a serum that was meant to strengthen me, it was just making me look like a fool. I wretch again, only this time I vomit blood. This can't be good. It burns as it pours out of me, my body convulsing and fresh tears forming. It finally ceases and I gasp for air.

What the hell was happening to me?

Damn this useless body, why wouldn't it just work?

I look up and see Jack is a little further away, closing in on the group. I force myself up and run after him. He can't hurt anyone else. I can't clearly make out who is near him but they recede. He screams and makes a weird gesture to his left. Spazzing out in fear I don't wonder. I make a run for him, he's so close, so breakable, and so dead. I'd already heard him scream, but it had not satisfied my thirst. No, this man had to die. He'd pay for his wretchedness. I couldn't let another scumbag continue to live, whilst good people died. Whilst my team had died. I killed them, but I would at least kill him too.

I grin as I reach out, that little neck will be like a brittle piece of straw. Snapping with a beautiful crunch. I salivate at the idea. But as I reach to do the deed at last, I feel it.

I stop where I stand.

It isn't the knives I'd felt digging through me before, it's a new kind of pain. I look down and frown as a 3DMG blade sticks into my stomach.

Odd.

I glance back and see its gone straight through. Blood has begun to leave the building. It oozes out of my body and I feel the serum weaken. When I look round, I see the faces clear as day, no longer do they swirl or warp. They all stare at me, or the blade, and turn pale. I think everyone has a tear in their eye, even the Commander. Levi is being held back by the group as he lunges for the boy.

Well, that didn't seem a very subtle thing to do Captain. Now they'd all know? Silly man. There were other girls that could help you feel. I'm nothing special. I hate to admit it, and probably wouldn't get the chance now, but it was him that was special. Humanities strongest. My captain. Had this thing between us become—

The blade shifts in me.

I turn to the boy, the weak, pathetic boy with grease covering his pale skin. I feel a laugh escape me.

"You finally managed to stick something inside a girl eh?"

He wrenches the blade out. Y'know I don't think he liked my joke.

I huff and lean on my knees, blood pouring to the grass like a spilled bottle of wine. Glug, glug, glug. There's shouting over by the group, things become clearer as the serum is drained away. I can't make out the words, but it's definitely the group yelling, Jack too I think. I look up, Jack is holding the blade above his head, marching towards the group, shouting something.

He's seriously trying to escape?

He begins manically throwing the blade around, and the group back away. The Commander steps out in front and holds his hands out to Jack, mouth moving as he tries to reason with him. Really Commander? C'mon the boy is clearly beyond that now!

None of them can disarm him when he's moving the blade so manically, not without serious injury. I happen to be already fairly seriously injured...The Commander continues, but it's clear that Jack no longer sees reason.

I feel cold.

I know I have to act now, or else leave them to their fates. No, I'd make a difference. One way or the other.

"Don't you dare." The words sound more like a growl as they leave me. I go to him, Jack sees me but keeps trying to leave past the Commander. "Attack me, threaten me, but don't you dare try and harm them you fucking animal."

And with that I grab the blade mid-air with one hand, and his throat with the other. In the split second I feel so powerful, so right with the world. His eyes are wide and full of fear. The kind of fear I knew well, and the kind he should have to endure of eternity. I crush his neck, and drop him to the ground unceremoniously. It was that damned simple.

Alive, then dead.

The silence is heavy. I look to my hand that holds the blade, and slowly unhook my fingers, relieved to see they remain attached. Must've caught it at a good angle. Would look silly just stood here wiggling little stumps. The blade falls to the ground, and I quickly follow suit, first to my knees and then almost onto my face when I feel something strong hold me up. I breathe him in and smile. A heartbeat thunders in my ear as a hand searches for my pulse, and I giggle.

"Not dead yet. Sorry about the cell though… door… Nngh…" and darkness takes me.

Weird echoes surround me and I feel myself being lifted and jostled.

Couldn't a girl get some sleep?

A cold metal is suddenly beneath me, I think it's a table? Fingers probe at my stomach and needles prick at my arms, pain splintering here and there but its muffled by my lacking consciousness.

This feels weirdly familiar.

My muscles begin to relax as the serum is either neutralised or worn through. I can feel my breathing is ragged now, torn as my blood caked lips desperately try to drink in the oxygen.

I'm waking up.

Oh shit, I don't want to do that. Not right now, the pain is intensifying, no, not now.

"Stay still Robyn." A warm voice says into my ear, as a hand softly strokes my hair. I want to reach up and hold it, I want to kiss it tenderly before pulling on his collar to kiss his lips. I want to feel him breathing against me as I sink into a sweet sleep. I want to wake to him beside me, bathed in sunlight.

But when I move to take his hand I find them strapped into place. Panic grips me and I fight it, gasping. What was happening? No, not this again. Please let me go, I'll be good, I'll be good! The hand strokes my hair a little faster.

"Shh, it's fine, cadet. You're fine. They… they can't sedate you though, you're too weak. Just focus on my voice, cadet. Focus and you'll be fine. You'll get through this."

Captain Levi sounds like he's trying to convince himself more than me, but I trust him and attempt a smile. The hand pauses a little, and I hear him hold his breath. This can't be good. I feel a blade enter me, with needles and other forms of torture. Hadn't I had enough knives in me today? Wasn't there enough pain echoing round my body? I try to get away, fighting my restraints as I scream in agony, begging them to stop, pleading for mercy. I promise to be good, I'll be better, I'll do anything to make them stop. I'm sorry I failed, just stop punishing me!

"Give her something! Why isn't the fucking healing serum working?" He demands angrily. My eyes snap open as white hot pain crushes me whilst I smash against the restraints. I look into his eyes wanting to escape into the grey calm there, but he's gritting his teeth. He isn't calm. He's in pain. Shit. No that wasn't mean to happen. Not so soon. This was the wrong feeling, this wasn't what I was meant to help him feel.

"C-c-capt… nn…!"

I give in.

I hate myself for it, but I give into the sensation that's been tugging at the back of my mind. A strange pressure washes over me, I smile weakly and let my eyes roll back. The room darkens and the pain continues to slowly melt away. I'm turning numb. It's beautiful. I'm sorry Levi, I'm too selfish. I can't resist it.

"Cadet?" his hand tangles in my hair, his other slapping my cheek. A warmth hovers over my face, I think he's listening for my breathing. I don't know if he finds it or not, or if it's even there to be found. So tired.

"Brat open your eyes. Dammit, wake up. Now."

"Sorry." I whisper but have no idea if he hears it.

****

Levi POV

God damn it shitty glasses why do you have to interfere with everything? The word's fucked up enough without you prodding and poking at it.

There's a chain on Robyn's ankle, what had the woman done now? Ripping more throats you maniac? But no, there's a spot of blood there as Hanji tugs the shirt down over Robyn's arm. I fight the urge to immediately take Hanji by her skinny neck.

What was it this time? And why had she dragged the cadet into it? Robyn was barely back together after losing her team. The last thing she, or my patience, needed was hanjie's meddling. I demand answers and as usual the glasses just stare back with feigned innocence. Fucking hell. My patience couldn't handle much more of this bullshit.

"I told you no more experiments. What did you give her? What did you give him?! You better have not taken more blood from that brat down the well. Stupid kid's not actually just a walking research book for you. And why is she here?" I point to Robyn and she giggles loudly. The noise is strangled though, but not like on the roof. This time it's like she can't breathe properly. I turn and watch as she leans against the wall only to cringe away.

What the hell had Hanji done to her?

The Cadet is shivering, practically blurred as she turns and starts touching the wall.

"It's just to heighten her strength…"

"You better be about to elaborate glasses." I hiss as I reach out and touch Robyn's shoulder. The trembling is so strong, as though she'd just come in from a winter downpour. I growl and keep my eyes on Robyn who slowly turns to me. "Hanji what is this?"

"She might be experiencing heightened sense? Would explain the apparent sensitivity."

I hear Hanji but find myself distracted by Robyn's glazed over stare. It's like she's looking right through me. Her golden eyes, usually so bright, are almost completely black as the pupils fill out exponentially. She looks like an animal, her mouth ajar as she breathes deeply, teeth occasionally flashing into view. Beautiful and terrifying at the same time, as she gives me a broad smile.

She then raises a hand and shakes her head, her blazing red hair falling across her tanned face. I wait. She's staring down at her shaking hands, confusion in her eyes, she thinks she'll hurt me. Once again her concern is misplaced. Her chain clinks, and I see the disgust on her face. That can't be good. But she just walks away, staggering a bit as she looks around wildly.

What was she seeing?

I shoot a look to Hanji who is staring, whilst scribbling into her damned notebook. I feel like shoving that pen through her glasses, but am distracted as the breathing of Robyn gets quicker. I turn and see her spin round, a perfect example of strength and prowess as her lean leg swings round to smack into the training dummy's head. I know that head will come straight off, the crack is deafening, but as Robyn stumbles back I feel myself freeze. The dummy is left as a scattered pile of splinters. Robyn's boot is decimated but her foot seems unharmed. She just popped it like a fucking bubble.

Holy shit.

She begins to laugh, again it's strangled but her whole body judders with it. I carefully step towards her, arms outstretched and palms forward, hoping she doesn't panic and run. Let me help you Robyn, please, for fuck sake just let me help before you hurt yourself. I can't let that happen again on my watch. I just can't.

"Cadet listen to me, you're reacting to the serum. Everything is fine. Just calm down and stand where you are."

But my words fail to reach her, can she even fucking hear me? Her big eyes shine as she backs away, shaking her head frantically as she looks at her hands in horror. But as the chain becomes taught she grumbles, and flicks her ankle. The chain disintegrates. It's as if it was never there. A hollow feeling appears in my chest. No, please don't.

"Shit. No, Robyn don't run, stay there—!"

"Stop. I-I c-can't control this Captain." I freeze where I stand, feeling useless as I watch her slip away. "Just leave me. D-Don't want to hurt you, okay?"

No that's not okay woman.

Of course that's not fucking okay.

And then she's gone. I swear I'd barely blinked but she's already a dot on the horizon. My stomach churns as rage rises in me. That was twice now the brat had run out of my reach before I could do anything. This wasn't something I wanted to make a habit of.

I turn on Hanji who finally stops scribbling and looks up with a slight blush.

"Well the strength part worked?"

I feel my patience wear out as the apology rings in the madwoman's voice as I march over, I take a grip on myself and smooth down my hair. This was fine, we'd get Cadet Sanshi back and everything would be fine. It was clear she couldn't do herself any damage. I just hoped she didn't bump into anyone. The woman would destroy them.

I stare at Shitty Glasses as she tries to justify her actions. It's pointless, surely she knows this by now? My mind suddenly turns back to last night. Finally, after two months of torturous dreams, I'd had her all to myself again. I'd been able to hold her, hear her mutter my name as I made her forget her troubles. The image of her throwing her head back, hands gripping the sheets as she fought back the screams, it flashes before me and I shudder. Damn the brat was beautiful.

I try and listen to Hanji, my thoughts irritating me as they veer towards that first night, when I finally got the backbone to go and apologise in her room. I'd felt like such a tool. The damn woman barely gave me the time of day. Wasn't putting up with my shit.

I had to get her back.

Focus.

"What's happening with Jeager? He seems to at least have stayed human, and in his pit." I say, dragging myself back into the present. Reminiscing wasn't going to help Robyn through this.

"Let's go check, then we'll go get Robyn?"

"Cadet Sanshi has probably run well into the plains by now. But yes. You'd better hope she's okay, Glasses, or I end you."

"Kinda obsessing aren't you shorty?"

"I just got cadet Sanshi back to being fit for duty. Fuck that up? I fuck you up."

"M'kay shorty."

We march over to the well and peer over. Jeager sits in a sulk on the floor, hand bleeding after his strenuous efforts to transform. Stupid kid. So eager to prove himself, despite the fact he'd already done so. Idiot.

"Jeager? Feeling indestructible?"

"No sir. Normal."

As normal as that kid was.

I sigh, slightly relieved that the half-titan wasn't rampaging through the compound. I'd cut him free of his Titan form before of course, but I was sure it wasn't something to repeat if I could help it. Of course that wasn't even an option with Robyn. She had no other form, it was just her. Shit. This was such a mess.

I run my hand through my hair and seek out some patience. Glasses is still scribbling, Jeager is still sulking, and Robyn was fuck knows where. Doing fuck knows what.

Right now, I do feel old.

"Right Jeager, stay there. Cadet Sanshi has gone AWOL. We're going to find her. Remain here and wait for us to return. Understood?"

The green eyes of the boy flash as he makes to argue but I think reason hits him and he slumps, nodding begrudgingly. Yeah that's right brat, she's my responsibility.

"Yes, sir."

"Hanji? Move."

We go get Erwin, who gets distinctly paler as Hanji explains what's happened. Yes it is pretty fucking terrifying isn't it? Robyn can decimate a man with her bare hands without scientific enhancement. Fuck knows what she's capable of now.

I freeze as we head for the stables to search the plains for her. It won't be the plains she's gone to. If her head goes in the right direction she'll go for the one person she might actually want to hurt at the moment. Shit.

The two of them turn to me, and I signal them to follow me as I sprint for Jack's cell. I never even told her where we were moving him, but I have the feeling that means fuck all right now. On their way to the forest, we pass by Mikasa and Hanji runs over to her. Good plan Shitty Glasses, the girl was damned weird, but at least she was good in a fight. Though if she hurt Robyn - The heat in my chest returns and I fight against it. This is not the time for sentimentality. That would probably only worsen Robyn's situation, not help it.

Finally the hut comes into view. It looks fine enough, but that didn't mean she wasn't already there.

Shit what is that?

Something is lumbering out of it. A strange noise echoing out as the figure staggers over. It's Jack. He broke out? I shake my head, no, Robyn broke in. But his limbs seem mainly intact, so clearly she'd held herself back well enough. I almost feel disappointed.

A second later a red flash appears, and I feel the heat return to my chest. Damn it man, get a fucking grip. And then she falls, she looks like someone's just shot her. But there was no noise. She's holding her head like it's about to explode. Her screams rip through me, I look around and see that they're ripping through us all. It sounds like she's being flayed alive. What did that animal do to her? And how the hell did he manage it?

I hear a laugh and watch as Jack limps towards us, his face pasty and bruised.

"Get the fuck over here now you piece of shit!" I roar as he scrambles along, no one objects to my tone as his strange smile is plastered over his face. In fact they join in as we begin to run over to him, half wanting him out of harm's way, and half hoping Robyn beats us to it.

She does too.

Suddenly she's holding him by the hair, face like stone as she looks at his contorted expression. There's nothing there; no hatred, no rage, nothing. It's like shes—I refuse to let the word enter my mind. She was right there, she was fine, she wasn't checking out.

The group calls out to her, trying to reason with her, trying to tell Jack to stop struggling. This is a fucking powder-keg. Suddenly it hits her again, she claws at her chest desperately. Her eyes wide as panic grips her. This is torture.

"S-stop it… gah… please!"

We all flinch back from the agony ringing in her voice. I can't be bothered maintaining my pretence, this was beyond that. She looks around in a blind panic before dropping her prey and letting him finally reach us. Her body convulses and blood gushes from her mouth.

I feel cold.

She's dying.

I can't help it, death clouds my mind and I watch her weaken. I reach out and take firm hold of Glasses' wrist. Partly to demand an answer, and partly because I need an anchor right now. I feel like I'm about to snap.

"Hanji what the fuck is happening?"

"I-I don't know…" She sobs, covering her mouth as shame washes over her. I knew this wasn't what Glasses had intended, I hoped I remembered that if this ended as I feared it might. "What have I done to her?"

"Why're you just standing there?" the piece of shit's voice only makes my hold on reason slip further. This was his doing. The Commander puts a hand on my arm as I turn to the brat. "She's a psycho! She's gonna kill me!"

"Good riddance." I spit.

"Fuck this shit." He shrieks reaching out and grabbing one of Mikasa's blades, pulling it free and brandishing it at us. Mikasa swears but falls back, as the boy begins to whirl the weapon around madly. I just wish I'd given in to my initial instinct after he'd attacked Robyn. If I had gone to that cell and slit his throat, this wouldn't be happening.

I didn't even notice Robyn get up again, but suddenly her red hair grabs my attention, Jack turns, screams and thrusts the blade forward. No, please no, this is just another fucking nightmare. Soon I'll wake up, cold sweat all over me and my ceiling above me. I'll be alone in my room hoping I hadn't yelled out into the darkness. Nothing is real right now.

I can't take my eyes away.

I feel like it's me that's been run through.

Robyn stands, face blank for a moment before creasing in plain confusion as she looks down to the blade running through her slender torso. She looks behind her and makes an odd move, like a chuckle as she sees it sticking out the other end, dripping in her life-force.

Suddenly they're all having to hold me back as I lunge at the scumbag. I want to rip his head off, I want to dangle him over a Titan and watch it slowly snap bits of his body off till finally his head is crushed, and his disgusting mouth gushes with his own blood as death chokes him. But they hold me back. Robyn just stands there, calmly watching herself die. And then she laughs again, I feel myself sag in disbelief as she cracks a joke.

It's hilarious, and horrifying.

She was mad.

The blade is pulled free, and Robyn doubles over, finally feeling the pain? Jack now looks back to us and begins to wave the blade again, demanding he be let past. Rage suffocates me.

"And where do you think you'll go, you shit?! Where do you think I won't find you?"

"Anywhere but here! You're all crazy, now move!"

Erwin steps forward and talks slowly as the boy frantically brandishes the blood stained steel.

"Jack calm down, set the weapon aside. It's clear Robyn is in no condition to attack you again. Let us help you and—"

"By locking me up again for something I didn't even do?"

"I fucking saw you!" I bellow, "You attacked her!"

"And now she's attacked me, we're even, now move!"

There's a feral snarl from Robyn and she's marching towards the assailant, her eyes are ablaze. How is she even moving? I try to go to her, to stop her before she does anything else stupid. But still they hold me back. I growl and try to get my face under control. Get the fucking mask back in place you little prat. She needed her Captain right now, not a rambling idiot.

"Don't you dare." She hisses.

Jack frantically tries to move past Erwin, blade just missing the Commander. But Jack won't escape, and he won't hurt anyone. I know she's got him in her sights now, I just hope she lives to enact her revenge. Get him my mad woman. Destroy him in all your ridiculous glory.

"Attack me, threaten me, but don't you dare try and harm them you fucking animal."

Even now she's trying to protect us. And that's it. She grabs the blade, we all flinch and then there's a small crack. Jack falls limply to the ground at her feet. Dead and gone. It was astoundingly simple. She looks to her hand, still grasping the blade, and slowly peels away her fingers. Somehow they're still attached. As the blade falls, she does too and I'm finally free to run over, and catch her as she crumples. She's freezing as I try and look for a pulse, its faint but it's there.

She'll be okay.

She has to be fucking okay. Fate can't be so damned cruel to take her from me so soon? Not this time surely? I hold her tight as they get a stretcher. I haven't even had time to consider what it is we have, if anything, and so soon it'll end in blood? I grit my teeth and let them take her, no, she would live. She always pulled through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed that Levi POV, I don't know frequent they'll be from now on, but I do enjoy writing them. Do you guys enjoy reading them?


	13. Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> As always please let me know your thoughts and whatnot, makes my day!
> 
> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own Attack on Titan. I don't think I could handle that amount of pressure!

Robyn POV

I feel like I'm sinking through cold water. I feel the cliché, as flickers of light and shards of shadow ripple all around me. The cold stings but it is a welcome reprieve. Maybe they gave me something for the pain? No. No they couldn't, could they? Levi said that. I was too weak for sedation.

Shit… does that mean I'm…?

Oh damn, maybe I was.

Well this had to be the most selfish thing I'd done in quite some time.

Levi… shit…

I remember his voice. I see him sitting on my floor, and my chest rises in the water, arching my back as I sob. Shit. I couldn't leave him like this, the man would be beyond furious. He'd never forgive me. And I couldn't leave Hanji to his mercy. He'd tear her apart. Poor crazy woman. It wasn't her fault, how was she to know it would end in chaos?

I reach for the surface as it gently flows. But my movements are lazily, sluggish, so slow I can barely feel myself move. A pale blue light glimmers into existence far below me, and I look down to it. It's beautiful. But I'm not ready for it. After my fateful mission, and loss of my team, I considered it as the only fair thing. But then I pushed past that; I accepted that I needed to keep fighting. So fight I would, dammit.

I scream out for him to pull me out, save me Levi just one more time, so I can save you.

Please…?

Levi…?

Silence laps at my ears as deadly anger boils within me. I'd be doing this on my own.

Frantically I kick and claw. The icy temperature begins to ache into me, pain echoing in my mind. Days, weeks, and months seem to pass by as I slowly rise. Finally my fingers break the surface but as soon as they feel the harsh free air, the surface groans and freezes over.

I'm left hammering against it, throat burning for air. My hand hits the same spot repeatedly, and blackened blood swirls away from my mangled hand. Yet I ignore the pain, it's nothing compared to this dread.

I wasn't ready.

I still had so much left to do, to see, to learn. The blue light is slowly rising up, chasing me down. I turn back to my cage and desperately hammer away.

What the hell was holding me back?

This made no sense. I needed to get back. I needed to kill the Titans, I needed to slap Levi and remind him he wasn't alone. I feel the water suddenly pour into my mouth, its bitter as it floods in. I shriek against the injustice.

Suddenly a golden light appears on the other side of the ice and lowers down, heat radiating out from it as it leans into the ice which thins and melts. The blue light is almost within reach. Finally I claw my way out, and fling myself onto the surface of the ice, gasping at the stale air.

"Mm?" I hear a sleepy mumble echo around me as stagger to my feet, the ice groaning beneath me. Well that's just insulting, I'm not that fucking heavy. A blizzard blows all round, sending my hair into disarray and filling my lungs with the deathly chill.

Why does the air taste like old books?

I stagger along, my wounds gone as I search out the voice, coughing and spluttering as I do.

"Robyn?"

"Levi?" I shout but fail to hear my voice.

I'm mute?

That does not suit me at all. Nope, not one bit. I hold a hand over my burning throat, trying to smother the flames of silence.

"L-Levi help, please… shit… where are you, you prat?"

A small golden light flickers in and out of existence. I try to follow it, but it keeps moving around. I consider that it's him leading me back, furthering the cliché, but if it got me home, I'd try and see past that. As it flutters around like a spazzed butterfly I pause and try to catch my breath. Keza if you remember all those weird things we saw after eating those mushrooms? That shit is nothing on this inter-mind-boggling mess!

"Come on, come back to m-us. Come on." His voice rumbles in the wind. I laugh and throw my hands up - Really? I'm running along a fucking tundra of ice, in some weird limbo-esq spirit world, and he's keeping up the appearance that we're not… whatever we are? I let the laughter rip out of me. What a beautiful prat he was.

Why does that light keep dancing? Like its fading, oh no don't leave me now! I think of Keza, I think of Eren, I groan and try and make my memory stick but it's all so sluggish all of a sudden. Like its paling. I stop and think back to when I gave in, when I accepted the burning need. His lips on mine, his hands lifting me, his hot breath against my skin. The golden light brightens and seems to fix into place.

"Did she just laugh?" Eren's voice trickles through and the golden light begins to bob about, but not flicker, like its happy to see me all of a sudden. I stumble after it clumsily. Would I ever be elegant? I trip and smack my face off the ice. That's a no then. The golden light flares as it shows me the way.

"Trust her to laugh when fighting for her life." Commander? I stop and look round in disbelief. Why was he here? He can't stand me surely. I'm just the—"A madwoman, but she's strong, don't worry Eren she'll pull through. With any luck."

Fuck you sir.

Bugger luck, this is all on me, and I have a damned stitch. Since when did I get stitches? As the light comes into reach I feel a warmth, it's glorious, like a long summer afternoon. I carefully stretch out to it. As my hand touches it though I flinch back at the pain, it hits me all over but mainly in my stomach. I look down and see black soak through my clothing. Damn.

"She flinched, look, her hands in a fist!" Jean's voice cheers. I pop my lips, brow raised as I brace against the pain, thanks Jean, so glad you're enjoying my flinching.

This golden light will take me home, but it's going to lead to something very painful. Just then a huge crash sounds behind me, and I turn to be faced with the glaring bright blue light that is slowly flaring and reaching out.

Oh, it looks a bit grumpy.

I turn and grab the golden light, the blue light caresses my back with ice but I cling to the gold and focus on the pain as it lights up my nerves. Oh yay, sweet agony. The air turns from cold to warm, and I feel myself being pulled along, as though on a wire on the hunt. I hope no Titans feel like entering this weird dream thing, I'm too damn tired for that shit.

"Her eyes just flickered, see? She's gonna be fine."

Calm down Hanji, I'll keep Levi away from you.

I hear him growl. He growls a lot, did everyone else notice this as much as I had?

"That doesn't cancel out the fact that—"

"Levi calm down," For once I feel myself whole-heartedly agree with the Commander. "Hanji has made her apologies, and had no way of knowing this would happen. Just concentrate on Cadet Sanshi."

The golden light turns pale, before darkening to a weird red colour.

The hell was this now?

Oh… it's my eyelids.

"Ow."

Laughter ensues as my eyes flicker open, and I feel like I've had a Titan dance all over me. With concrete shoes on. Whilst carrying a building. Ow, didn't quite cover this. But the bed is soft, the sheets are warm, and I'm back.

"Hey, can you hear us Robyn?" Hanji lays a hand on my forehead and I nod slightly, my neck not wanting to move much more than that. I'm back, but where am I back from? I shiver a little as I think of that blue light, was that really death? It looked so peaceful… "You're doing great kiddo, just take your time. We're all here. You're safe."

"Are… you safe?" I croak and there's a silence, I feel the tension rise in the room. I can't help but be a little afraid, my wrists aren't bound and this is not a large room. Wherever this is. "Is the serum… out my system?"

"It's gone." Levi talks out of view near my head. The whole thing is replaying before me, and I cringe away from the memory. So much anger, so much strength, so much destruction. I turned into a monster. "Get her something for the pain, Hanji."

"Yeah she should be fine to have—"

"No." I croak, staring at the ceiling as they all slightly lean to look at me. Although Hanji remains further back, not meeting my eye. I hope she doesn't think I don't trust her medicines anymore; I completely trusted her. But I need to be awake for this, I need to know what was real and what wasn't. "Hanji it's not your medicine, seriously, don't look so downcast."

"The why won't you let us give you anything?" she seems unconvinced, but more concerned about my wellbeing. The woman was a marvel, and I sensed I'd have to have that conversation with her another time. She was an oddball, but I wasn't sure she'd ever really let people see her struggle, I doubted it was in her passionate nature. I smile a little weakly and frown at the same time.

"I need to be awake right now. I need to know. What did I do? Did I… did I really kill him?"

"Yes." I look to Levi as tears well up and I blink them away angrily. He's stoic as he watches me begin to drown in guilt. But it doesn't change. He just stares. I know he doesn't think I should feel guilty, that much is obvious. But I took someone's life? "But only when he was about to attempt escape, and harm us. Mainly the Commander."

"Shit. I couldn't stop… I just… why am I not dead?"

"Please be assured you're safe, we're working on avoiding any charges." The Commander sounded kind and I grimaced, why was it he was being kind now that I was a murderer? Seemed a little weird. Ironic? No, that wasn't how irony worked… was it? I shake my head and flinch at the pain.

"No… he ran me through didn't he? So how is it I'm not dead? Gah!" I lower my hand from my stomach, having reached there as I remembered the silver blade sinking in as though through butter.

"The serum gave you a certain amount of resistance, and then Hanji gave you as much of the healing serum as she saw as safe." The Commander stops and does a salute. I frown, unable to even guess at why he's doing that. "You saved my life in all likeliness, and rid the world of a dangerous man. In my book that makes you a hero. All while furthering the science of war for our cause. Thank you cadet Sanshi."

"… Any time, sir." I smile and he chuckles softly, "Though maybe give me a stronger chain next time?"

He dips his head, and I catch eyes with Eren. I flinch a little as he stares so widely at me, tears still shining against the bright green. I look him over but he seems fine, but that could well be because he healed so fast.

"Eren?"

"Yeah, I'm here Robyn." He smiles, a tear breaking free and running down his slightly red cheek.

"Did you… react?"

"No, I didn't… at all…"

"Seriously?" I groan, but then I sigh and shrug, "At least that means you didn't hurt yourself, or break HQ…"

The Commander smooths back his hair and gives a low rumbling laugh, looking upwards. I raise a brow at him, now what was he laughing at me for?

"Of course it also means, Sanshi, that you have worse anger issues than this boy who can literally transform into a rage Titan." He drawls, stroking his chin with a raised brow. I blush and sink a little into my pillow. He had a point. But as his smirk spreads I frown, and pout a little.

"Okay, there's no need to be rude. Injured person over here…"

"You hate sympathy, Cadet."

"Humour me." I mumble rubbing my eyes, he chuckles lowly before turning to the others and gesturing towards the door.

"Let's let her rest. You sure you're happy to have her in your quarters? We can always—"

"No sir. I'd be happier keeping an eye on my cadet myself."

The Commander nods and leaves, everyone else says their goodbyes, all carefully patting my shoulder or leg. I smile at them all and wait for the door to close.

Click.

I stare at the ceiling, wondering why I hadn't noticed it was Levi's quarters before. I feel him staring at me and I lick my lips, wondering where to start. It's obvious where I should start, he was probably enraged at me for all this. I agreed to do the damn experiment, and look where it had landed us. He'd hate my apology but it had to be said.

"I'm so sor—" He silences me by putting his lips to mine, carefully holding my face as he gently presses them harder. I smile. He puts his forehead against mine and breathes heavily. "Please…"

"What? What do you need?" he reaches for the water on the bedside table but I just take his hand in mine, and sniff as tears form again. "Robyn? What is it?"

"Let me say it." I gasp, he looks unenthusiastic, but just nods and lifts my hand to his mouth. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened… I had to get away from you. Then my mind just zoned in on him and… then it's just a blur of red haze."

He shakes his head, small frown in place.

"You looked so scared. You sounded like you were in so much pain." He breathes, but then anger creeps in and he grits his teeth, looking to the side. "And I couldn't do a damn thing."

"When I spoke? I sounded…?"

"Like someone was rubbing salt into a wound. It was fucking excruciating, brat." He kisses my hand, a shudder running through him. "Then we heard you howling. I thought I was going to snap. You really fucking scared me, woman."

"Not my intention I assure you." I grin and he laughs, shaking his head at me.

"Smart mouth." He mumbles, and I suddenly realise there's something round my wrist. I tug my sleeve back and frown as my red ribbon comes into view. It's wound loosely round, and tied in a careful bow. I smile, but don't understand how it's there. His finger runs over it and he smirks a little, his lips curling as they remain pressed to my hand.

"Thought it'd bring good luck or something… seemed like a good idea at the time."

"A great idea, Levi, thanks." I grin and he just closes his eyes, tightening his hold on my hand. I look at the bright silk and simper, Keza would be laughing her head off at these dramatics. I wonder if I should try and find her. Then again I don't know anything other than she's probably in the Capital. But I could always look up a few old friends, send out enquiries. I lay my head back. Felt weird reaching back into the past, when I'd spent so long running from it.

Breaking the gentle quiet, a sigh comes from Levi. It's heavy and full of something, but I can't quite place it. Or can I? There's suddenly a fresh heat in my gut, spreading to my chest as my next question forms. I don't know why, but I suddenly feel afraid. But as he sits back heavily, pushing his hair back as he rubs his neck, I know I have to ask. I have to know before my over-active head goes any further.

"S-still no regrets?"

He pauses. He looks up at the ceiling for a couple seconds, before leaning forward again to kiss my hand, eyes closed. I freeze as a tear seeps out the side, and runs down his cheek. Shit. This is why he wanted to be alone with me, he can't take it. We only had sex, but still it was a connection and he couldn't handle the risk.

Like he said, it was excruciating for him.

I try to calm my heart, keeping my face calm as I combust internally. Well this was just pathetic. Why was I freaking out so much over this? I was meant to be the nonchalant, happy to be a sex-buddy, gal who gave no fucks. And yet now? I try to focus but my damn breathing gives me away, becoming more ragged and causing a strange burning in the base of my ribs.

His eyes snap open and watch me, his hold on my hand tightening. Don't do that you prat, let go if that's the end game. The burning bursts and my back arches.

"Can't… breathe…"

"Hanji!" He roars running to the door, "HANJI!"

The woman appears in seconds to pin me with another syringe. But my stupid heart is off, running like a wild horse and I try and force air into my lungs. Just work body. Just fucking work. Levi doesn't even think of Hanji as he kneels down, holding my hand and muttering into my ear.

"Just breathe Robyn. Calm down, you need to calm down. You're only going to hurt yourself…" His voice breaks away, and his teeth snap together. He hates this. I'm just ripping his heart out and playing with it. I didn't know I had such a sadistic side to me. I look to Hanji who is standing back, wide eyes going between me and Levi, a deep blush forming on her cheeks. She looks even more downcast than before, looking down as begins to raise a hand to her mouth as she realises this is possibly more than simply concern over a cadet. "Can't you do anything Hanji? Please… She's in agony."

"Levi… I've done all I can…" She lowers the hand from her mouth, and instead puts it gently on his shoulder as my eyes begin to droop. Hanji will look after him won't she? She's insane but she has a big heart. The only issue is his stubbornness. What a mess. He shrugs her off angrily. "Levi, she just needs time and… luck…"

"But she woke up. She was better. No Robyn don't… open your eyes dammit!"

I try, groaning at the weight of exhaustion, as my heart continues to have its melodramatic episode. His grey eyes are wide. I wish I could disappear and stop him having to witness this pathetic display. Hanji looks terrified, she has no idea how to deal with Levi right now. Like he said on that first night, this was new territory. Hanji sits down and takes my other hand, her eyes still fixed on the alien Levi before her.

"She's strong, she may still come out of it. But we need to let her rest. Let her sleep."

"She only just woke up."

"Yeah, and so we can be more sure she will again."

"You're sure, Glasses?"

"I'm sure she needs rest. Sit down. I'll get the cold towel." She walks away for a moment. He's still holding my hand but he's sitting back, I think he's trying to compose himself. He's probably regretting doing that in front of Hanji, he'd get a lot of questions now. Whatever she stuck me with seems to be taking effect, my heart slows and I feel my ribs numb. Air fills me.

I carefully look to him and feign a smile. Slowly he is reassured and his eyes return to normal. I know he won't want to admit his reservations now, not after that ridiculous reaction, but I just raise my fingers in a wave.

"Sorry." I rasp.

"Brat cut it out, these scares are getting tedious." He smirks and quickly pecks my lips before sitting back, all the while watching me. There's an odd silence, but he just scrapes back his hair and sighs tiredly. "Rest, Cadet."

I close my eyes, and then feel the cold towel laid against my forehead, I sigh at the wonderful sensation. Then there's a shift of weight against the bottom of the bed. Hanji has sat down again, her hand on my leg, lightly patting there.

"Now then Lance, I think we need to have a talk?"

"Not now Hanji."

"When else then? C'mon man! Don't leave your best buddy hanging!"

Oh dear, Hanji is dicing with danger but I just let them get on with it. Enjoying the warmth of their watchful gazes as I let my body succumb to a peaceful sleep. A dreamless sleep too.

****

I feel like I'm on a loop.

For the next three or so weeks, I'm kept to the bed, occasionally allowed a walk to the shower, with Hanji's help, and once or twice I even made it to the mess hall, though only when it was empty. Exotic. I'd never really understood the term, cabin fever, but now I damn well did.

The main point of consolation is sitting, and talking with Levi into the night. It's so simple, yet so good. My fears of the fact that he regrets our attachment are still there, but as the nights draw on they are diminished a little more. We swap stories about growing up on the streets, but his are infinitely more interesting. He was such a little thug.

We laugh as we go through happy memories. And I feel sorry that I'll never get to know Farlan or Isabel, but thankful he knew them. They seem to be a big part of who is today. He promises to show me the underground city one day, if I really insist, a look of sadness in his eye. But he lights up when I describe the time I'd spent living on the roofs of Shiganshina. But when I explain my time living on top of the wall, his eyes widen a fraction. I think he's a little impressed, I won't admit the thrill that gives me.

I explain how it took forever to climb, even with stolen 3DMG gear hooks. But I wanted to see the real horizon at least once. My friend Keza thought I was mad, but I said it was something we were born to do. All of us humans. It's just that a lot of people had forgotten that there was in fact a world beyond the walls. It was easier to accept a cage if you forgot it was one. He concludes I've been a reckless moron all my life, but I can see the little shred of admiration in his eyes.

We share wine, we share the very occasional, careful kiss, but he always sits a little further away than usual. More than once he'd come back in whilst I redressed, and I couldn't help but notice his frustration. But he never said anything, just walked a little oddly as he went about his business. It made me smile. I was a limping little weakling, but still he seemed to find me attractive. I'd hold onto that. As much as I liked the idea of relieving his tension, the fact I could barely lay a hand on my own stomach without wincing didn't exactly make me think another night in the sheets was a good idea. Plus Levi hadn't even slept in the same bed with me since I woke up. Too worried about rolling over and hurting me. I felt guilty for causing his frustration, but whenever I apologised he just got angry, still blaming himself for letting me get my injuries. It was pointless to argue. The man was as infallible as myself. A couple of stubborn asses.

And because of that, I haven't dared ask him again; does he regret this?

Is he just waiting for me to be better?

After begging Hanji for some respite from my cabin fever; I'm allowed to accompany her to her lab. Levi is not happy, but he very rarely is, so I just ask him to help me walk there and leave us girls to it. It was only after I explained to him, that I wanted a proper opportunity to talk to Hanji, that he allowed it. He was paranoid, but I couldn't really blame him right now. I was becoming a delicate flower it seemed. I click my tongue, that did not suit me at all.

The gloom of Hanji's lab is comforting, and I sit on a chair across from her desk, looking around at her mess of madness. It was staggering. So many notes, journals, scraps of paper, big scripts plastered over the walls. Old formations broken down, and Titan anatomy scrawled everywhere. It was like I was sitting inside Hanji's head. I just had to hope nothing else was living here.

She pours us both a cup of coffee and hands me it, fresh from the burner. I sip it and marvel at the cup.

"It's good right?" she simpers, winking, though still not meeting my gaze properly. She hasn't since I woke up, but I'm hoping to rectify that now. I nod and take a long sip. "I dried out some chocolate and crumble it in on special occasions. Or when I'm hungover."

"I'm honoured." I sigh and lick my lips.

"Really?" she frowns, nails drumming against her cup. "Seems like the least I could do."

"And that's exactly why I'm hear Hanji." I smile and she looks fixedly at her cup, a blush blooming across her face whilst her fringe sweeps across. "Please look at me, in the eye, like you used to? I feel like you're frightened of me."

Her head snaps up and her mouth bobs open and closed a little. A speechless Hanji? This was a weird situation. I sip my coffee, and continue to smile at her, shifting a little as my position makes my stomach ache. I was one dose away from full recovery, so it basically felt like a bad bruise by this point, but still, a little ow remained. When she fails to find the words I cradle my coffee and cross my legs on the seat.

"It wasn't your fault Hanji. Really it wasn't anyone's."

"But it was my serum."

"And it was my rage." I point out with a waggle of my forefinger, she sighs and takes off her glasses to rub her eyes. "Hanji, seriously. It's amazing work that you do, and most of the time you have success upon success, a few failings now and then is hardly cause to—"

"I nearly got you killed!" she snaps grumpily.

"But you didn't."

"Hardly cause for celebration, I nearly did but I didn't, yay off the hook!" she sing-songs sarcastically, shaking her head. "If I had? I… damn… kiddo, I dunno what I'd be doing right now."

"Probably throwing yourself deep into your work and carrying on."

She looks hurt.

"Hanji, listen. Should Erwin drown himself in guilt every time an expedition costs lives? He is, after all, ordering those soldiers out there, and it's his orders that ultimately lead to their bloody deaths. Should he lose himself to guilt?"

"That's different, he's the Commander, and it's an official duty. I'm… I'm just an overly enthusiastic Squad Leader… with a biggish brain." She mutters bitterly and I feel a little cold in all honesty. To hear such a dejected sentiment from Hanji Zoe of all people was frankly a little scary.

"Biggish?"

"Okay, huge brain, but still…"

"But still nothing Hanji, you may not have an official standing, but your work has already saved countless lives. Think of all the good your healing serum has done, heck you've already saved my life a couple times over! I agreed to the experiment Hanji, no one forced me, and in essence it's a great tool that could be used. It just has… a couple kinks to be worked through."

"A couple kinks?" she repeats with a raised brow as she replaces her glasses. I find this side to Hanji odder than her usual side, I didn't really know how to read a collected Hanji.

"Yes, a couple kinks. Eren didn't rage out did he?"

"Could be his Titan blood cancelled it out."

"Again, more info collected!" I cheer throwing my arms up. She sighs and lays her head on the desk.

"You really don't hate me?"

"Never could, Hanji, sorry. So please start looking me in the eye? You're gonna make me self-conscious before long!" I laugh and pick up my cup again. She grumbles a little, but looks up to rest her chin on her folded arms. Her eyes meet mine and I smile broadly, it takes a couple seconds, but soon enough she matches it.

"How about I give you that last dose of healing serum and we give you a fresh check-up in Levi's room?" she reaches down and picks up her bag.

"Really?" I drain my cup and stand carefully, she nods triumphantly.

"Let's get Robyn Sanshi back out there."

"And let's have Hanji Zoe back on her crazy science horse?"

"Giddy y'up!" she cheers and then helps me roll sup my sleeve for the final injection. It still stings when administered, but its an amazing thing she created. I can't even imagine how many cadets would have been lost recently, if it weren't for her serum. How this woman could doubt herself… well no, it was understandable that she doubted herself, I was just glad I was there to help her out. But as I consider going back to that room and being completely healed, I tense. Not yet.

"Hey Hanji, it'll take a wee while to finish it off won't it? You said this was an amped up version or something."

"Aimplified. Sheesh Robyn, pay attention." She laughs, seeming suddenly back to her old self. Like we'd flicked the switch. I was glad. "It's just concentrated. But you should be okay by this afternoon, thankfully, after what… three weeks? You seem to mainly be left with only minor bruising. Should only take a few hours to finish off."

"Can I stay here for the rest of the day then?"

"Why on earth would you voluntarily do that?" she asks as she tugs my sleeve back down. I look at the floor with a blush, not wanting to admit my real reason as I look up with a cheeky grin, masking my anxiety.

"I fancy spending some time with you, make sure you're not wallowing anymore!"

"Well, I'm happy to have the company…"

"What do you need done?"

"Feel like organising some notes?"

"If I can manage to decipher your hand-writing, no problem!" I laugh and sit down again as she hands me a pile of shambolic papers, and refills my cup. "Hanji how many weeks of paperwork is this?"

"Fourish?"

"Four?! How has Erwin let you get away with this?"

"He's too chicken to come in here." She sniggers and I just shake my head as I feel the weight of this magnitude of information.

We settle into chit chat as we work away, and I feel my nerves settle again. The serum is filling me with that warm sensation, and I know I'll likely be back to normal by sundown. Probably before then. Once I was better there would be no reason not to ask him. No reason not to face up to the unanswered question.

I bite my lip and sip my coffee, I could totally handle this.

I fought Titans, I could ask Levi a simple question.

Couldn't I?

As I finish her papers and she closes her latest notebook, we realise it's late in the afternoon. The coffee is gone, and the work is done. No more excuses I guess. She insists on still helping me walk, refusing to let go till she'd done a full examination back at Levi's quarters.

It takes about twenty minutes for her meticulous mind to be satisfied, but finally, as I do up my shirt as I sit on Levi's desk she concludes the final dose has done the trick. I beam at Hanji, and we share an unguarded hug. My god, I feel like me again. I start running round the room, jumping and wiggling around, no longer scared about being in sudden pain. It's gone. It's finally gone.

"I could kiss you right now Hanji!"

"Now, now, Levi wouldn't be pleased." She winks and waggles her eyebrows.

My smile fades.

I was better, I was back to almost full strength. That meant I could finally tackle the elephant in the room. But did I really want to? The elephant had sat so patiently, and so quietly, why disturb it now? I look to the desk, two wine glasses sit and wait to be used this evening. Did I even want to find out the answer? Should I pretend—I stop myself. That was beyond pathetic.

Hanji is watching me, I just give a small shrug.

"I'm not sure he'd care much… I'm better now, he doesn't have to pretend-" My pillow wraps round my face. The woman had a damned good arm. "Um… ow?"

"He said you could be really stupid at times, but I'd never seen it till now."

"His words were actually, that I was a fucking Moron."

"Again, never seen it till now. But go ahead kiddo, prove shorty right." She puts a hand on her hip, the challenge in her voice and smirk.

I chuck the pillow to the bed, and walk over to the window. The sun would soon be setting. I've tried so hard over these few weeks to rationalise my panic attack when I asked that question. A couple hot nights between the sheets. That was all we had between us. Really, that was it. Since then we'd talked and laughed of course, but he was trying to help me heal.

That was pity, not affection.

I smirk as I remember how downtrodden he'd looked when he thought I was pitying him. I didn't feel downtrodden, just a little upset he had no need to pity me anymore. I was glad I'd never known this side to my personality till now, I fucking hated it. I felt like a girl. Though I had to admit, my experience with actual relationships was pretty mediocre. If not absolutely limited. I think I'd felt this before, but never this strong. I hated the word. It complicated things, tangled them up and made it tricky to get out. Once the word was said the slope got very sloppy, slippy, and slidey.

Hanji is still stood, waiting to hear my response. I feel the cold of the glass with a hand flat against it, taking a deep breath and hoping I can explain.

"Look Hanji… right after I first woke up? Right after Jack ran me through, I asked L- the Captain, if he still had no regrets. He couldn't answer."

"Right, so you can't go making assumptions!" She beams at me and I wish I could share her optimism. She sees my hesitation, and squints from behind her glasses. It's like she's trying to figure out her latest pet, I shudder to think what my nickname would be. "How is it you're so damn fearsome and fearless in all other things, but now you pull a chicken on me?"

"Because this matters." I look down in shame, and feel my face redden. It really matters, I hate that it does, but the situation is heavy on my mind. Hanji looks at me a little kinder now.

"Why does this matter more though?"

"Because this is why I can still fight. We started this just to feel something other than fear, we did it because we wanted to live again, because it was unfair that we didn't get the chance, just because we fought back. It wasn't supposed to…"

"Supposed to what, kiddo?"

"I wasn't supposed to end up loving him." I say it between teeth, holding my chest. Hanji moves towards me, probably wondering if I'm not actually healed. But I know this isn't a wound from any serum or blade. This wasn't even a real wound. It was in my head. And it fucking hurt. Dammit woman control your hormones.

"Kiddo..."

"And he wasn't supposed to be guilt-tripped into staying with me. Helping me as I pathetically limp about the place. But… shit… I-I do... you-know-what him. And what right do I have?"

"Right? Robyn, you have every right to feel like that, to be happy. Personally I can't think of anyone better to love Shorty, I'm amazed anyone can."

"I killed those four cadets, I stole their futures... how can I justify anything but duty..."

"Robyn you killed no one… till Jack… but seriously, your team? Their deaths are a tragedy, but they cannot ruling your life. You told me you'd made peace with this weeks ago!"

"That was before I felt so... So hopeful...which makes no sense, why am I hopeful when I already know he doesn't... you-know-what me..."

"You don't know that he doesn't."

"Agree to disagree. But now I don't know if I'm strong enough to take the fact he regrets this entire thing. Fuck… I hate this, I feel so stupid. Hanji… I'm a fucking idiot."

"No arguments here, brat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Hanji Horse! And oh lordy, Levi has entered the room... *dramatic music*
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, leave a favourite, or even follow as there's plenty more shenanigans to come!
> 
> Pun intended? *wink wink*
> 
> See you next time XD


	14. Absolutely

"No arguments here, brat."

His voice makes me jolt, exchanging a panicked look with Hanji as she turns pink. Had she known he was there? I frantically wipe away my tears, cheeks burning bright red. Damn it body, just let me act a little dignified please? Just once would be nice.

"Time for a swift exit…" and Hanji disappears. I stand straight, and turn to him when the door closes with a careful click. I wonder if she'll listen. I clench my fists as he removes his cloak, keeping his eyes fixed on me all the while. I give a curt nod.

Just rip it off, like an old bandage, just do it.

"Levi."

"Robyn."

We stand across from each other. Just watching as the strange silence continues. My hands are curling into fists as the tension rises. I don't know how much he heard, but judging from his previous eavesdropping, I'd say he heard every damned word.

It was really very rude.

I'm standing with defences supposedly up, but I know he sees me as I really am; vulnerable and fucking weak. I hate it and frantically scrabble at the rubble, trying to create some kind of barrier before this happens. I was a fool to let it happen, but even as I try and think back, I don't know exactly when it did. I don't know when this became love, and I cringe at the fact it had. This was so typically me. Moronic.

"I suppose you heard all that?"

"Every stupid word, brat." He steps towards me, and I match it with a retreat. He stops and sighs heavily, lifting his brows in the middle, as though exasperated. "Where are you going?"

"This doesn't need to get drawn out, Levi."

"What doesn't?"

"I know your regrets, so let's just leave it there all right? I can handle my own issues, always have, and always will. So just let me go, and that'll be that." I'm rambling, I know it, and I can't seem to calm my voice. He must be loving this, more useless jabbering.

"Why the fuck would I let you go?" He marches over, I back up into the bookshelf. His eyes are unreadable as he leans in, just like on that first night. My heart quickens as I remember the confusion of that night. It almost matched my current anxiety, pounding in my ears relentlessly, making it impossible to think. I try to speak again, but suddenly he's pinning me to the books, raising my arms above my head as he stares into me. "All healed… Well then…"

He hungrily moves his lips against mine, tongue sliding in so we're entwined. I suppose he's too frustrated to let this end before he's had one last go. Perhaps I could allow myself one last flicker of flame? Before I can make a conscious decision my mouth responds, and moves with his. I tilt my head and feel the kiss deepen. I give a small moan, feeling a thrill as he returns it, sounding almost as desperate as I feel. I'd been wanting him to burst through the door, and desperately hold me for the past three weeks. And now he was. He releases my wrists and hitches me up onto his waist, growling as he runs his hands all over me. I gasp as he nips at my bottom lip, and my legs tighten their hold on him. But this isn't right. Why am I holding on so tightly? This is just going to make it worse. I push against him and he glares at me, hands pulling my hips down against his waist, making my legs quiver as my nerves sing. His breathing is rough as I push harder, desperate for some space from the consuming need.

"Brat, you better have a damned good reason for—"

"You don't have to do this."

He just snarls, moves across to the bed and throws me down. I groan as he grinds his hips into mine, holding my waist against him as he kisses along my throat. I'm meant to be pushing him away, but my hands just claw at his shirt. It seemed my entire body was in rebellion. Every touch of his lips feels like a branding iron, and I gasp with each scalding kiss.

"The hell I don't." He rumbles as he bites on my shoulder, sending a jolt through my body. I bite down on my lip and speak a little angrily through my teeth.

"The last thing I need, is a pity fuck."

"Dammit, brat."

And he sinks off the bed to kneel on the ground. The sudden loss of contact has my head spinning a little but eventually I can sit up, slowly. A bead of sweat runs down, before he tugs his cravat off to mop his brow, then discards it carelessly onto the bed. I shuffle so my legs are over the side. Just as it was on that first night; only this time it's me looking lost.

"My regrets…?" He says it like it's a curse, and shakes his head. "What a stupid idea."

"When I asked you after waking up, you couldn't answer."

"Because I couldn't believe that I didn't, you moron." He groans, resting his head on the mattress. There's a pause, and he huffs exhaustedly. "I should regret this. I know that."

He turns his head and looks up at me with those heavy lidded eyes, and I give a careful nod. I wait for him to continue, scolding myself for being so affected. My heart feels like it's trying to run clean out of my chest. All I can hope is I look a little normal as I feel myself wobble emotionally, and physically, and probably spiritually as well. I was wobbling on all planes of existence it seemed; how sophisticated of me.

"I felt completely useless." He whispers suddenly, and I flinch a little from the pain in his eyes. "Fuck... I was completely useless. I had to stand by whilst that serum ripped you apart. Then in the hospital…"

"Levi—"

"Dammit brat, you were dead." he thumps his fist against the floor and sits up, frowning down at the mattress as the memory replays for him.

I never knew this. I knew it had been bad, but my heart actually stopped?

Wow I was overly dramatic.

He rubs his face and then holds onto his temples, frown deepening against the memory.

"I hammered against your chest, forcing that healing stuff round your body, for fucking ages. The nurses kept trying to stop me. Idiots. I nearly throttled the lot of them... Then suddenly you breathed again." He's breathless and slightly smiling, reaching up and drawing a strange pattern on my chest. "So when you asked if I still had no regrets? I couldn't believe the answer. Everything in me, everything I knew, was telling me to regret it. To just drop it, and run the fuck away."

"So that's why you hesitated?"

"I knew I should've said it, I had every right to regret everything."

"Mm…" I nod, not able to meet his eye as he refers to all the trouble I've caused. Inadvertently or not, this had not been a good run for me. Even by my troublesome standards. But then he taps my chin to make me meet his eye. I jolt a little as I do; the smile is full on now, and as breath-taking as ever. This man didn't play fair.

"But then there it was, like you just said yourself, you idiot. It's my reason to fight. It's as true now as it was that first night. If not more so…" He sits up and puts his head against mine, brushing his nose to mine as the smiles melts into a smirk. "It's just like we said, brat. We'll burn together."

"And what if I don't fancy throwing you on the pyre anymore?" I say, trying to back up, but he's holding me in place. He meets my gaze fiercely, and runs a hand through my hair, breathing me in. The smile returns. A real smile that crinkles his eyes beautifully.

"Not your choice I'm afraid, I'm already there, and I can't leave."

"W-why not?"

"You're a fucking moron."

"And you're a fucking maniac."

We stare at each other for a long moment before he draws a deep breath and rolls his eyes, before pausing and staring me down intently. I feel it to my core.

"I love you, brat."

I swallow hard. No one had ever said that to me before, not in this context anyway. I feel the words brand me, and I shiver a little at the impact. It had been frightening to comprehend the fact I felt that deeply for him, but to have it returned? My defensive walls were decimated, but somehow at the same time reinforced like brand new. I felt completely vulnerable, and yet invincible at the same time. Damn that was confusing. I lick my lips and blink, his expression is patient - after all he already knows the feeling is returned. He probably hadn't sweated for a moment about this. Cool headed people had it so much easier. I take in an ever-so-slightly shaky breath, and play with the collar of his shirt.

"Shit… Well now we're both fucked."

"Absolutely fucked."

I watch his face but he's still smiling. He's happy to be absolutely fucked? I think back to that first night; to the fear when we realised the risks, he'd been as nervous as me. But then my own smile takes over, as I remember the strength that followed. Together we'd actually get to live, together we'd burn. I stifle a laugh, my concerns seem so juvenile now.

He's watching all this trickle through my mind, and I feel like now, now I'm actually healed. This kind of dependency was not good, but I could tell myself off later. For now we'd celebrate. He runs a hand across my knee, edging up my thigh and he looks up deviously.

"Now then, let me pick up where I left off?"

"No."

I stand up, and he does the same. He watches me with fascinated eyes as I smirk, turning with my hands on his chest so he faces away from the bed. I push him down to sit, and climb onto his lap, kissing him deeply. I don't feel anything hold me back, no fear, and no hesitation of what the strong pulling sensation on my heart is. I know what it is now, and it was strangely wonderful now that I'd admitted it to my stupid self. For a moment I break away, and I feel his impatience as he holds my lower back tightly, pulling me closer.

"I Love you, Levi." I say it with eyes closed, hands shaking. Okay maybe there was a little fear left, after all it was a tall order to be good enough for this man. I feel him take a long breath, only to release it in the happiest sigh I've ever heard. This was ridiculous, so much joy shouldn't be allowed between two people.

I grin, and continue the kiss.

It's consuming, and I can barely feel anything but his mouth on mine. But I want to do more for him, I want to make him feel all he can. I want to please him.

But I also want to play with him.

I remember his cravat, and I chuckle as a plan forms in my mischievous mind.

He's distracted whilst I bite and nip, our tongues dancing hungrily, and moans rumble in his throat. I run my hands down his strong arms, and push his wrists behind him. A smile is on our shared lips, but his vanishes as he feels me bind his hands together with his discarded cravat. He struggles against it. I'm still kissing him, but I open my eyes and see he has done the same. His pupils are huge, high on the moment, but now a little cautious as he considers what I'll do to him.

"Robyn..."

My grin is sadistic as I lean back a bit, his eyes becoming glued to my lips. I slowly lick them, and feel him shudder, despite his expression remaining carefully blank.

I wonder how long he can that mask in place.

A challenge arises.

He's already straining against his trousers, so I decide to test his resilience.

I recede a few steps; he gets up to follow, but I kick him back down. He glares, but stays put. Good man. When he's settled, and a few moments of still quiet have passed, I slowly begin to undo the buttons on my civilian shirt. His eyes look ravenous as he leans forward a fraction. I can see, even through his shirt, the way his muscles strain against his binding, but still his expression is carefully composed. I finally get to the last button. The shirt falls away, and I bite my lip whilst bending over to him, hands on his knees, and watching with triumph as his eyes drift over me meticulously.

But still his expression doesn't change.

I ghost my lips against his, lightly tracing with my tongue, before spinning round and lingering between his legs. With my hands still on his knees, I lean back and rest my head on his chest. His heart is pounding. I look up, and raise myself till our lips are a breath apart, but as he moves in, I turn away and slowly grind against him. He groans, panting slightly, as he kisses and bites on my shoulder, the only part of me he can still reach.

The mask is slipping.

Again I spin and kiss along his throat, teeth dragging against his hot skin whilst he breathes haggardly. His arms twitch again, as he tries to free himself but it's no use. He's at my mercy. But still, it's only his eyes that give it away.

Fine.

I kneel down and run my hands up his legs slowly, nails dragging a little. His brow twitches as my hands glide up his stomach, and then begin to undo his shirt. I then tug it down his arms as far as I can, before I begin kissing along his shoulders and down his pecks, licking down the center of his stomach.

"Nngh… Robyn… please…"

I push him back, and he arches against his binding. Finally, it breaks through; his face contorted as I remove his belt, and pop the button of his trousers. His mouth hangs open as rough pants leave him, his entire body rigid as my fingernails trace where his trousers look fit to burst. The game is over, and I can't torture him anymore. I undo his straps, and pull everything off.

I won't deny it was intimidating; very intimidating.

But I wanted to make him feel. I wanted him to feel the best he ever had. I wanted to reward his bravery of letting me in, of admitting to loving me.

"Oh… shit…" He rasps as I feel him hit the back of my throat and he shivers beneath me. I trace my tongue along his length as I slowly begin to rise and fall, my cheeks hollowed. He moans, his back still slightly arched but he's fighting it. Fighting against the urge to thrust deeper into my mouth presumably. Thankfully. He's scalding hot and shuddering. "R-Robyn… I-I… Nngh—"

I feel his pulsating hardness and realise he's about to lose control. But I want him to, he asked me to help him feel, and I'd do just that. I keep going, tracing along his stomach with my nails. My tongue dances along him, and flicks at the tip as it grows salty. I feel him pant my name, it soon becoming a hiss between his clenched teeth. I hum as I slide my tongue along him, tracing little patterns as I go. Then I draw strongly, till he once again hits the back of my throat.

"Robyn I—" He groans coarsely, and I gulp him down, his salty essence warm as it slides down my throat. Thank the Walls I didn't have a gag-reflex.

He falls limply to the bed, gasping, sweat making his muscles shine.

"Y-You're fucking… incredible… brat…" he murmurs, licking his lips as his body continues to shudder through the sensation.

I smile and I run a finger down the center of his ridiculous abs.

He's all mine.

I climb back onto his lap, and he suddenly sits bolt upright, energised like brand new. He kisses all over my chest, and anywhere else he can reach. It's almost needy, if it wasn't as ravenous as his teeth catch at my skin. I chuckle darkly and he looks up; watching me slowly lick him from my lips.

He whimpers.

My eyes go wide. And I take a second to comprehend the guttural need of that noise.

That can't have just happened.

I just made Captain Levi, Humanities Strongest, whimper?

My body tingles.

"Did I make you feel good my Captain?" I run a hand down his slick torso and he nods, not breaking eye contact. "Mm, good. That's all I want to do."

I untie him, but hold his arms when they flex to grab at me. Holding his gaze so he stops, and waits for me to move. I slowly move my hands to his chest, a simple smile pulling at my mouth. I feel my cheeks turn red, and suddenly I feel bashful. Stupid really, but it seemed to be becoming a habit.

Our lips meet and its sweet, it's gentle and loving instead of hungry. At first he's a little rough, I think spurned on by the fact he can taste himself on my tongue. Knowing full well I was his now. Our hands trace over each other. He runs over each muscle, curve and scar that I bare, and I feel my heart swell. This time its love between us, lust glowing beneath but we simply fall together.

I smile as he hardens beneath me, slowly tugging at my trousers as he licks my collar bone. He lays me down beneath him, before lying beside me, kissing me kindly as his hand drifts from my throat to trace the long scar on my stomach. I flinch, the pink line is jagged and very clear against my tanned skin. It doesn't hurt but I know it'll always brand my skin, just like all the others.

"You're too damned beautiful, you know that, brat?"

"You have very strange standards." I mumble whilst he leans down to kiss the scar tenderly, and I smile. "Levi?"

"Mm?" He nuzzles at my neck, biting occasionally. The scary captain, who strikes fear into his cadets by just looking their way, is nuzzling me. The surreal nature to this situation will probably never fade.

"How're we going to hide this?"

"Not sure we can, anymore…" He kisses my forehead. "But I'm not sure I care anymore, either."

"Really?"

"Hanji knows, and Erwin suspects. He hasn't said anything, so I figure it's all right."

"And if it's not?" I ask raising a brow at his lack of concern.

"Makes no difference."

"Really? I don't want to be getting ranted at by Erwin, and find you've fucked off to hide in a cleaning supply cupboard."

"Look, brat. I'm yours if it's against orders or not. Now shut up."

"You started it." I laugh before he kisses me again, his hand continuing to travel down my body, smirking as he watches anticipation tickle my face. His hand pauses before slowly beginning to caress me where I long him to be.

With touches so delicate I wonder if I'm imagining them, we become one and move together, our breaths travelling between our bodies. I can scarcely understand how the same action can be so very different, but it is. The electricity is there just as before, but without the frenzied mania. It's a constant thrum of warmth that courses through my veins, and nerves as my heart pounds. It's like he's filled me with light.

Love is overflowing from me as I watch him in all his glorious beauty. His dark hair is dishevelled, falling across his steel eyes as he kisses my flesh lovingly. His arms envelope me, strong and safe as he gives small moans and murmurs my name. I return the gesture, whispering into his ear a little roughly as I move my hips with his. Somehow the fizz to my nerves gets even more intense and my breath hitches. The sun has long been set as we feel ourselves quiver as the moment gets closer, and I cling to him as he quickens his pace, unable to hold back forever.

"I love you, Robyn." He huffs, as though sealing the moment in his mind forever as he looks me straight in the eyes. I can barely see straight as my body thrums with ecstasy, but I hold his gaze and run a shaky hand across his cheek.

"I love you, Levi." As soon as it passes my lips, it's chased down by a small cry as my head snaps back, pleasure flashing through me in a sudden wave of intensity. He bites down on my shoulder, a muffled shout sounding before he too is lost.

In a tangled heap we lie breathing each other in. It was glorious. Sweet, tingling exhaustion clouds our minds as the sun finally sets on the compound. It's far too early, but sleep comes to us, my head on his chest, and his arms still holding me close.

The madness of the world subsides.

*****

It doesn't take long for the news to spread. But I care a lot less than I thought I would, but I figure it's because Levi's fine with them knowing. Its makes no difference to me after all. Occasionally I get cold looks from the other rookies, but only from the girls. This makes me laugh, they obviously had a thing for their Captain. Seemed odd that I hadn't till he confessed he had one for me. And yet he had ended up with me. This world was so backwards at times. Then again, it may well have been Levi's masochistic nature that went after one, of the few, women not begging at his door. Didn't seem too far-fetched.

We sit and have breakfast together, and I watch him sip his tea; little frown in place all the while. It made a weird kind of sense to me that he would immediately lean towards someone not willing to put up with his shit. He was a masochist, but a self-aware one. I think he knew better than anyone else, the fact he needed help dealing with all this shit. Not that he'd ever admit that. Some girls wander in for their food, watching me closely as they do, confusion on their faces. I snigger into my coffee, then explain to Levi when he notices the shade I'm getting. I find it funny really, but he just grimaces and shakes his head.

"Stupid, brats."

"Oi, they can't help it."

He looks up from his cup. His eyes narrow a fraction. He really didn't get it. Silly man.

"What're you on about, brat?"

"You can be ridiculously attractive when you're not being an absolute prick." I sip my coffee, his eyes scan around before settling back onto me with a raised brow. I give a small shrug. "So not very often."

He glares as I laugh a little too loudly, a few heads turn. But all of them turn when he joins in. It's an alien noise to them. I sigh and remember how weirdly wonderful it had sounded when I first heard it. Now I heard it often, but it was still lovely. I then stop myself with a bite to my tongue; this was getting way too soppy. He continues to shake his head. I touch his hand and glance around, he frowns and shrugs. He doesn't care at all does he? He laces his fingers through mine, looking back into his cup, expression smoothing to one of peace. I go back to my breakfast, smiling all the while. This didn't count as a drooling moron did it?

I check my chin, no dribble.

On a mission that managed to go on without much incident, we had captured a Titan for Hanji. Of course she was thrilled, and eager to start studying her new friend. At this point, now halfway through the afternoon following our capture of it, she was helping the cadets tie it up and secure the beast. I could hear it grumbling at her whilst I helped out in the compound, some new recruits were struggling getting their gear fixed on properly. I thought I'd save them a tongue lashing from the Captain. But as the beast grumbled on, Hanji just kept crooning at it. Lord knew what she was going to call this one. Once the recruits are fixed in properly, gushing about their gratitude, I head over to the pen and help Hanji get her notes together.

We had grown a lot closer since the experiment, and I was glad. I'd always found her fascinating, but now I actually enjoyed her company. Albeit with a pinch of salt. With her new toy, she seems like child having tasted sugar for the first time. It takes all day but finally the Commander is happy with the security of the beast, and we all head in for dinner. I'm not sure what Hanji is planning for tonight but she's still working away. The rain clouds have rolled in, and when the woman finally arrives inside, she looks like a drowned rat. Smiling all the while.

"Can I ask you guys a favour?" she chirps. I flinch, and Levi leans a little closer to me. It's just a fraction, but I feel it nonetheless. "No serums, I promise… sheesh… you make one mistake…"

"How can we help Hanji?" I ask, a hand on Levi's lap to keep him calm.

"Well I was wanting to do another study on the effects of darkness on the Titans, and as this one is a little bigger and livelier. I was wondering what the difference would be with the rain fall."

"Might do considering how like photosynthesis the other qualities seem to be."

They all stare at me: Hanji looks like she wants to kiss me, Levi looks impressed, and Eren etc. all look completely bamboozled as to how I would know such things. Even Armin. I shoot them a look and shrug.

"I'm not just a little rage machine, I can read."

"You've been paying attention!" cheers Hanji, hands clasped over her heart like a proud mother. I roll my eyes at her, and focus on my coffee cup, hoping my blush would die down. "That's what I'm wondering, but I was looking for some company really."

"And that's all?" Levi murmurs, eyebrow arched. "Nothing more, Shitty Glasses?"

"That's it Shorty, I just get a little bored out there once they doze off."

I hadn't done an all-nighter in a long time, it sounded like fun. The group agrees and we decide to head out to make a kind of temporary shelter so we don't all drown by morning. But as I get up to help Jean get supplies for a fire, I see Erwin has left his table already. I really needed to talk to him about trying to find Keza. I had no idea where to start, and it seemed like he might. He'd have headed to his office in all likeliness. I tap Jean's shoulder.

"Hey Jean? I'll be right back okay? I need to go talk to the Commander, real quick."

"Sure, everything okay Robyn?" his young face is clouded by concern, but I just ruffle his hair and smile broadly, walking backwards towards the stairwell.

"Yeah, I just need his advice on something. Won't be long!"

I turn and head up the stairs, to jog along till I reach Erwin's office. I stand outside for a moment, hesitation gripping me. If he could help it would be wonderful, but if he did help and I found out she was dead? Or worse? My hand hovers above the wood as indecision clouds my mind. I'd spent so long running from my past, the very idea of reaching into it, seemed completely wrong.

"Cadet, Sanshi?"

I must have jumped three feet in the air, when the Commander's voice sounds behind me. He holds out his hands as though expecting me to lunge and attack him, but I just stand there clutching my chest as I pant through my heart palpitations. How was a man that tall and broad, able to walk as silently as Levi? Damn ninjas.

"Apologies, didn't mean to frighten you."

"Sorry Commander, just… phew, you scared me half to death." I laugh and step back to let him open his own door.

"Why so jumpy, Cadet?" he asks, but then pauses halfway across the threshold, to frown down at me, eyes narrowing in suspicion. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!" I huff, he pauses but then smiles simply, before leaving the door open for me to follow him inside. I do so, and close the door, face a little red after his assumption of me having caused more havoc. I then chuckle, it was a fair enough assumption I guess. "I actually needed to ask your advice on something, sir."

"Oh? And what would that be?" he begins sorting through files on his desk; formations, budgets, letters of complaint and also of condolences. I feel a little guilty bringing my silly whim to his already full table, but I knew I might as well ask now. Or the man would wonder what this was all about. I stand in front of his desk and clasp my hands in front of me, twiddling my thumbs as I bite my lip. "The longer you hesitate, Cadet, the more I think you have done something, and I therefore have something to clean up. If this is about Jack's death, I still haven't heard back from the council, so at the moment we can assume you're free and clear. So don't be—"

"No, no Commander, nothing as grave as that."

"Oh? Well... good."

"I just wanted to try… to try and find someone from my past. But I don't really know where to begin in all honesty."

"Find them, why? Revenge, or reunion?"

"Reunion sir, if it was revenge I probably wouldn't be bringing it to your door. I cause you enough trouble as it is…" I mumble scratching the back of my head as my blush deepens. He nods, and sits back with a small yawn.

"Where is it you need to look, or do you know that?"

"Most likely the Captial, sir."

"The Captial?" he repeats incredulously, what was a little Cadet with no name and no family ties of importance, wanting with someone in the Capital? I see it go through his head before he purses his lips and gestures for me to continue. At least I had him interested.

"Well… it's my friend Keza, sir… she went there a few years before I came to the military, and I can't think of any reason she would leave sir. Good business up there."

"Business?"

There's an awkward silence as I try and put the term delicately. But then and he blushes a little, as he makes a correct assumption about my Keza. She was a resourceful girl. He clears his throat and reaches for a blank piece of parchment.

"Full name, and description if you please."

"Really?" I gasp, a little guilty about my surprise, but overwhelmed by my gratitude. This man had a thousand things to be dealing with, and he was willing to help me find an old friend? He was impossible to predict. He looks up and nods, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

"I can make inquiries with my contacts there. How pressing a matter is it?"

"I-I don't know what to say... thank you sir! It's just a personal thing sir, so no need to r-rush." I try and calm myself, excitement making me feel completely giddy. He smirks full on now and shakes his head at me.

"Really, I think it's good pregress that you're willing to engage with your past. Of all my Cadets you seem to have the most issues with yours."

"Mm… yeah… sorry…"

"No need to apologise Sanshi, for many of us, we can't be blamed for our past."

"I am so grateful, Sir... But to answer your question, Keza… her full name is... shit... well she's known by everyone as Keza. She has long dark brown hair, bright green eyes, freckles, is a good three inches taller than me and very slim."

He nods and takes notes, chuckling a little at my profanity. I knew my formality was slipping, but I was too excited to care.

"Anything else?"

"Basically... she's the kind of woman you do a double-take on when she walks into a room, a real beauty that makes all men love her and all women want to kill her on the spot… sir." I add when I realise how low my formality just plummeted beyond recognition. He notes this down, though paraphrases my last bit of description. He nods and files it with the other things he has to do, before pouring himself a drink and nodding towards his door.

"If that's all Cadet Sanshi? I'll let you know if anything develops. Although… this really is a 'friend' right? This isn't about to become… an issue? You're not one of these women wanting to 'kill her on the spot'?"

"No, sir. All happy chappy's."

"Right… well then, I might as well tell you now, we potentially have reason to go to the Capital coming up."

"Whilst that's convenient, I sense it's not going to be pleasant..." I groan, biting my lip. He shakes his head and passes me the ludicrously fancy invitation to a banquet of some kind. I can barely read the twirling writing. It keeps dancing.

"It's merely a fundraiser of sorts. Therefore, if I don't hear anything back by then, you could make inquiries yourself, if you so wish."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir!" I beam and give the happiest salute I ever did, he shakes his head and takes a long sip of his drink. I turn about and leave him in peace. It was a heavy burden he carried, but he took it with so much composure. Anyone else would be harsh, perhaps even mean; doing anything to distance themselves. Yet whilst the Commander was reserved, you could always tell there was compassion lingering behind those blue eyes. I wondered if he ever let himself take a proper break. I frown as I descend the stairs, and out into the soup-like compound whilst the rain continues to fall. As Cadets, we got down-time, we got to mingle with each other and make connections. I suppose that wasn't part of the deal, when taking on the Commanding role. He had to keep a distance. I feel the rain on my hair and sigh, seemed odd that in order to help save Humanity, Erwin had to disconnect from it. Yet he remained compassionate. It was an odd paradox.

"About time! Nearly got the whole thing done without you, lazy bones!" laughs Jean, breaking me from my depressing train of though. I smile and slide my way over, through the mud and muck.

The team has done well to get our shelter in place quickly, so the ground beneath the covering is at least still a solid. Apparently they all headed back in to get food and coffee burners. Leaving Jean out here on his lonesome. He's already set down the stones for the fire pit, so I start gathering up the logs and piling them on. Lanterns light our way, both of us trying to ignore the blank face of the Titan that is framed in shadow. Creepy bastard.

"Was the Commander able to help?" Jean asks, trying to sound casual, but failing miserably as his ears turn pink.

"Yeah, a great help actually. I can never predict what that man'll do."

"Was it something..." he pauses and blushes deeper, but then he grits his teeth. He seems almost tortured. "Was it something to do with the Captain? Did he hurt you?"

"What?" I laugh but when seeing his concern I stop piling the wood and gently touch his shuolder. The kid flinches but remains determined. He seriously thought I'd gone to Erwin because of a relationship issue? Although the temptation to point out the idiocy of this assumption, is overruled by the boy's obvious concern for me. "No... no it wasn't Jean... it was about me trying to get in contact with an old friend."

"Oh..." somehow the blush gets worse and I just put my arm round him, nudging his jaw with my fist playfully. What a tit. "I thought... shit... I feel like a jackass."

"I'll put it down to kindness Jean, thanks for the concern. You dope." I snigger and continue building the wood pile up. I hear Jean scuffle about a bit, kicking the dirt and gnawing on his bottom lip as a weird silence takes over.

"Y'know Robyn…"

"I know of her…" I murmur and watch him smirk a little.

"I… just... I just wanted to say, I'm happy for you." He sounds oddly timid right now, and I nudge him with the log I'm currently holding. His eyes snap to me and shine a little with something I don't understand, was it shame? I smile carefully at him and lay down the log.

"Thank you, Jean. Again, that's very sweet of you. A little random but sweet all the same."

"Sorry if I ever… I mean…" he scratched the back of his head, eyes returning to the pit. "I hope I was never creepy towards you or anything."

Creepy? And then I think to the times I'd caught his eyes lingering a little longer than most. He's been acting a little off ever since Jack first made that move, and I realise it's still bothering Jean to this day. The man was so sweet, and yet he got such a bad time for being a jackass. I smile and give him a peck on the cheek.

"I took it all as a compliment Jean. Really, what girl wouldn't?" I hand him the extra kindling, and he smiles broadly. I think he was genuinely worried about this. "Although I appreciate the concern. Although please stop looking so guilty, doesn't suit you."

He gives a shy nod and I laugh, setting the match into the wood and watching it catch. It roars into life, and I hover my hands close to the dancing flames, the heat is glorious. Some of the best memories I had were made by the crackling of a fire. Some, not all.

"H-He's good to you isn't he?" The question catches me off guard, I pause and simper a little. The flames dance and twirl as I watch them, and consider how much like a family our little regiment was at times. Everyone looking after each other as though brothers and sisters. Though in many ways we were joined by blood. It just happened to be spilt. Jean kneels down beside me, and nudges my shoulder. "Robyn?"

"He is." I breathe, turning to watch the concern melt away from his sincere face. "He's a hard-ass as a Captain, still is even now when giving me an order. But I wouldn't want that to change. But yes, he's very good to me Jean, really. I'm really happy." I laugh, a confused frown creasing my brow. It had been a long time since I really felt like that wasn't a white lie. He looks up to watch the embers rise into their air.

"Yeah, he's a taxing git when giving out orders but… he seems less angry all the time. Which is good. I get less cleaning duty that way."

"Glad I could help," I laugh, and he joins in.

"But I'm glad he's good to you, then again I guess he'd have his ass handed to him if he wasn't?"

"You've been paying attention!" I do my best Hanji impression and he laughs.

"You're such a weirdo woman." He straightens up as I do, and I doff my non-existent cap. He shoves me a little and turns to greet the rest of the group who've brought the rest of the supplies.

Soon enough everyone is sat down on mats and we've set up a few mini stoves for coffee and such. It was oddly peaceful once Levi had fixed the partition in between us, and the leering face of "Todd", with a little help from taller Eren. I'd suggested the name to Hanji, after remembering Sweeney Todd being mentioned in amongst all of Levi's books.

"I'll call him Todd. I-I can't have Sweeney, so close to losing my little Sawney!" And she gives a dramatic sniff with a dab at her eye. And they called me mad? She mainly worked with Armin in the corner nearest the break in the partition. She occasionally dipped her head round to check on her pet, crooning constantly.

I sat with Levi, leaning against his chest as the rain continued to pour. Everyone was chatting, and laughing away. It was a hum of comradery; it was moments like these that we fought for. It seemed odd that a few days prior we had been outside the walls, all alert and aware of Death being potentially at hand. Yet now we sat calmly by the fire, with a pet Titan bound up a dozen or so metres away. But the joy was real here, it wasn't fleeting, it wasn't forced. I sigh a little sleepily, being content really took it out of me.

"Get that woman a coffee." Laughs Connie handing me one over, I raise it to him and smile.

"Read my mind, cheers. How late is it? Or am I being a complete wimp?"

"A wimp obviously." Rumbles Levi. "It's barely past the usual lights out mark."

"Tut, tut, past your bedtime?" Eren then blushes as soon as he's said it. I glance up at Levi who is staring at the poor boy with his usually unrelenting expression. I sit up and nudge his shoulder, he glances my way and smirks. Eren looks to me with wide eyes. "Sorry…"

"Oh wheesht Eren, he's just being a grumpy old man. Ignore him, I do." I wink at Eren and he grins, glancing behind me. I cringe as Levi reaches for his own coffee cup that Connie has refilled. He wasn't going to let me away with that.

"Old man?"

"Well… if the shoe fits I guess?" I chuckle, and he clicks his tongue. "Or should that be slipper?"

"Thought it was you getting sleepy, brat."

"Well I wasn't the one who had a nap earlier."

"So that's why you're so cranky..." Levi murmurs, looking into his coffee as everyone laughs at his oddly effective humor. For once it wasn't about fecal matter.

We all laugh as conversation blooms, and everyone relaxes a little more around the Captain. Not entirely obviously, I don't think that's possible for them. Probably never would be. I chuckle as I consider how dangerous he must seem to them, remembering how much I used to do the same. Little did I know what else he was capable of. In a way I wished they could know how gentle he could be, but then I immediately take back the thought as I consider what it would mean. He's their Captain, the strongest soldier Humanity has, they have to believe he's made of steel, it keeps their fears at bay. I don't mind knowing his other side, I know the steel is as strong as it ever was, it just so happens it occasionally allows itself to yield. Occasionally.

There's a gasp from behind the partition, and we all tense a little, our gear well within reach but not equipped. Hanji appears with an excited expression.

"He's staying much more alert than the others. I think the rain is making a difference!"

"Oh good, the Titan is wide awake…" Levi mutters frowning at her. "Glasses you really should get your head checked out."

"Pah, not likely Lance, they'd never let me back out."

"It's good not to live in denial." I say with a grin, which we share as fellow nuts. Her glasses flash in the firelight and she throws her arms up into the air excitedly.

"Exactly Robyn. Plus Idiots fear what they don't understand, eh Eren?" The boy blushes, giving a slight shrug.

"Occasionally…"

"Hey did you guys hear about Sandra?" Connie looks around with wide eyes, gossip tugging at his tongue impatiently. I shuffle back a little, taking Levi's arm and wrapping round me. He gently kisses my neck and I sigh into him. This was such a good idea of Hanji's. Who knew babysitting a Titan could be so much fun?

A shake of the head has gone round the little tent area, and Connie looks fit to burst. I giggle, Levi's arm tightens around me lovingly.

"What happened Connie? You better say it before you pop."

"She's put in for a transfer to go the Military Police!"

"Why?" it rings around the group.

"Maybe she got sick of hitting trees?" I laugh and they chuckle with me. Connie just shrugs.

"No one really knows, but there's a rumour that she's pregnant!"

Everyone gasps and I feel Levi tense.

Oh… shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm so mean for cliffhangers!
> 
> Be prepared for some fairly dramatic sh*t in the next installment, never a dull moment in the life of Robyn Sanshi!


	15. Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again reader! Well here we some intense stuff, and potential triggers, nothing overly graphic as usual, but still WARNING APPLIED.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy, leave a review, favorite and follow, everything helps, and makes my day to know your thoughts!
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Disclaimer: I still don't own AOT

Everyone gasps and I feel Levi tense.

Oh… shit.

It only then occurs to me that we'd never actually discussed what would happen should our 'intimacy' result in anything other than pleasure. I don't think it had even occurred to him. In all honesty it hadn't occurred to me to discuss it. Silly really, but when you live from day to day, it was hard to think a week ahead sometimes, let alone 9 months. I look at my red ribbon that is bound round my wrist. Seemed an odd coincidence that I chose to begin my search tonight, and wear this; considering where I feared this conversation would now ultimately lead. It had been because I didn't want to forget talking to Erwin about finding her, but now it seemed like a weirdly placed marker for this point in the evening. I tug at the knot, and internally demand my past shut the door behind itself. I wasn't capable of a bun in the oven, but the reason… I cringed back from the fact this might come to light in front of everyone. My past was being a persistent bastard at the moment, egged on by my own prying I guessed.

I'd never actually told Levi. On all those long nights of talking about the past, my idiotic head had never swung that way. Then again, I'd spent a lot of time blocking it all out, so it made sense. Just not right now.

Shit, I could only imagine what was going through his head. The panic and worry. He'd be wondering if I was 'that way' already, he was probably wondering why he'd never known me to be unable to be with him because of 'women issues'. I feel like I can hear the smoke hissing out of his ears as things whizz through that fast mind.

Levi's hold on me was stronger now. Shit… what is he thinking…?

"Anyone know who the father is?" Armin says, barely looking up from his book.

"Nah, that's a guess for anyone…" mutters Connie.

"Jean…" groans Eren, who then laughs as Jean gives him a kick.

"Fuck off Jeager, I never touched that mousey little thing."

"I reckon its Handar." Connie looks a little smug with his detective work.

I'm wondering when they're all going to realise how much they're putting their feet in their mouths, with me and Levi so close by. This was going to get very awkward, very quickly. I wished there was a way I could move out of earshot, and quickly explain to Levi as he became like a statue behind me. But if I did that, the group would just assume I was pregnant, and then I'd need to explain to them anyway. Plus I doubted Levi was able to move right now. He was probably trying to think of a thousand escape plans. Then again I didn't know if he even wanted children.

Now I tense.

What if he did?

"Handar? Really? That weakling? Didn't think he had it in him." Laughs Jean. "But I guess that's what happens when you start fooling around. To be expected really. I dunno what I'd do if I got someone preggers… scary shit."

"That poor girl." Mikasa looks into the fire. "Then again, I guess she can look forward to being a mother now? Must be nice in a way."

"I don't think I could ever have kids." Murmurs Eren, also watching the flames. I try not to cringe as I watch Mikasa's face grow blank. "Unless I could guarantee their safety or freedom… nah… I couldn't do it. Not fair to them, or me."

"Well said Jaeger."

The whole group turns to Levi as he spits the words, their faces gradually paling as they realise how their words may have been taken. They look at Levi, and then me. They're all wondering if we've talked about this? Was this something we had argued about? Was I pregnant right now, and Levi was making a very weird passive-aggressive dig at that fact?

What a fucking mess.

I myself have just given a thankful cheer in my mind, I wasn't going to have to disappoint him in the most brutal way. Well universe, you gave me that at least.

I smile at them and blush a little, I can feel him trembling a little behind me but I don't bring attention to it.

He's wondering if I want them.

He's freaking out.

Ground, just swallow us whole please?

"Considering my families track record, can't say I'd have ever wanted them either." I say with a shrug, hoping to relieve the tension. But no one relaxes, they all look from me to each other, blushing a little. I wasn't going to get out of this that easily was I?

"But um… Robyn? I mean…" Eren blushes and looks to the floor, wringing his hands together. "It's not something… you really… decide?"

"No, really. It's not something, I have to worry about."

They all frown, and I feel Levi tense again.

Nope, that's not enough information Robyn. All you're doing is causing more confusion. I look around but no one looks willing to let this slide. Especially Connie who looks almost dementedly interested.

Yeah, this is awkward.

Well fuck it, I have to explain now.

I sit up a little, taking a moment to touch Levi's face, his expression is blank but his eyes are on fire as he looks to the ground. He's panicking. He's absolutely terrified. When I touch his cheek he looks at me, and I see his lips purse. He's searching for the right words, but I just smile and quickly kiss him on the mouth before sitting up and looking round.

"I can't anyway, so it's a moot point."

Generally there's a sigh of relief, but both Eren and Levi remain tense. A hand is on my shoulder and I look back to Levi's confusion, he pulls a little to make me lean back where I was. He's not trembling, but his heart is pounding.

"How can you possibly know that?" His voice is amazingly level. His hand drifts to where my newest scar lives. "Did the blade—"

"No, no." I soothe before drawing a deep breath, preparing to dig into the part of my past I very rarely saw fit to revisit. I fiddle with my ribbon, searching out the words and putting them in the right order. Do I just blurt it out? No. A story always helps dull the blow.

This was not going to be pretty.

"I guess I should explain…"

"Yeah… please?" Eren's voice is so worried I wonder at the fact he looks generally composed. That voice was usually accompanied by shuddering and his throwing his arms round my neck, holding desperately. But then I remember who I'm sitting with, that situation would not end well. I draw a deep breath and grit my teeth, they were my friends. I could share this with them.

"It was… uh… okay. It was when I was ten, I'd been on the streets for two years in Shiganshina, and was pretty much starving. So when this little old nun offered me shelter in her orphanage, I saw no reason to refuse. Hungry belly makes anyone stupid..."

"W-what happened?" Armin's eyes were wide, his hands shaking as he held onto his book. I knew from his wide reading, he was probably well aware of what I was about to explain, he knew the sordid parts of humanity's past. But I guessed he didn't want to believe it. I probably wouldn't if I suspected it had happened to a close friend.

"I was there about a week, they fed me, clothed me, even let me have a decent bath. But on the Sunday night, they enacted their 'ritual'. Me and four other girls. They dragged us into this little make-shift operation theatre, and strapped us down. Soon enough we were knocked out, but when we woke up we were all out on the street again. It was so fucking cold when I woke up, that I think I was numb because of that. Good thing too really. I looked down and there was this big scar…" I draw a line just below where my underwear sits. "And then I saw the note in my pocket. I had been 'cleansed' apparently. We street-rats were a plague upon the saved people behind the walls. So the nuns had saved us from further damning ourselves, from further dirtying the city—"

"They sterilised you?" Armin was gracious enough to supply the translation, and everyone couldn't help but stare. I nodded and shrugged. It felt weird to be laying this all out there, but I just keep reminding myself that they're my friends. This was fine. They wouldn't be disgusted, or horrified, if anything they'd just be annoyingly worried.

"How could they do that?" Mikasa is barely whispering.

I meet her gaze kindly, she flinches back, clearly unable to comprehend my calm demeanour of being robbed of part of my womanhood. They were all acting like this had just happened to me. It was over a decade ago. I hadn't been robbed of anything, I had never had the chance to want children. So it was just a fact of my life. But of course this wasn't how they were seeing it.

"With righteous mind-sets and scalpels." I look at my steady hands, and chuckle. "At the time it didn't bother me, except for the lingering pain. I was a kid, I didn't want kids. And later in life I'd just grown used to it. And really I agree with Eren, without a certain future, I couldn't face having a child. So in the end it all works out."

They're faces remain pitiful and I groan, standing up and brushing myself down.

"C'mon guys stop it. Am I blubbering? Confessing this through heart-wrenched sobs?" they shake their heads, seeming confused. "No, I'm not. So please stop looking me like I'm some kind of wounded puppy. Those nuns got their comeuppance anyway..." I scuff my foot against the drying dirt, uneasy under their gazes.

"I thought you hadn't minded?" challenged Levi, still not looking my way.

"About not being able to have children? No I didn't, and don't mind. What I objected to was the fact that, out of the five of us, only two of us survived."

"Holy shit…" Jean breathes, looking pale.

"Yeah… Holy is right. Three were 'saved', and dead within days. Out on the street it's difficult to keep a wound like that clean, whilst also staying as still as possible, and you have to stay still because it fucking hurts." I realise my voice is getting angry, but I just tug on the ribbon's knot and let myself calm down. I begin to pace, walking around the outside of the circle of people as I try and keep a level head, and voice. "I hid out in a hospital supply room, in the panels above the cupboards. Hurt like hell to get there, but I was able to get to penicillin and such."

"Smart."

"Yeah, but three of the girls were too scared to go near the hospital, afraid of doctors and whatnot. Seemed a bit stupid to me, considering it was nuns that cut us up. But still, me and Keza lived." I tap the ribbon proudly, the red like blood as it shines in the firelight. They all recognise the name, and their faces light with realisation. Levi's face is blank of course, but he's staring at the ribbon with narrower eyes than usual. I continue to pace, the motion helping as I walk through this weird part of my past that almost seemed like nothing more than a story to me now. I thought of it so little, it was weird going through the details.

"Me and Keza went back to the Orphanage. We got a couple knives, and returned the oh-so-gracious favour. No idea if we actually killed them or not, we just sliced and ran."

The fire dances as I walk around the circle of people, behind them so that no one has to try too hard to avoid my gaze. I take long strides, letting my legs swing about as I pace along, head hanging back now. I remember Erwin's assumption when I had spoken to him about Keza, and snigger.

"I failed to see it as much of an opportunity as Keza. For years we helped each other, lived together, fought together, and looked after each other. But when she turned seventeen she was a proper beauty. The kind of girls that walks down the street and every man stops to stare. She went into prostitution. It was easy work for her, and she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant. It was a big advantage to her. But I couldn't do it. She asked me to come with her, to stick together through it all. But… I wanted to fight, not spend my life on my back… We said goodbye and I haven't seen her since. We parted with our ribbons though, so she's still my friend. She's just in a different world from me. I just hope she's still alive…"

"This is why you're scary, Kiddo." Hanji reappears from round the partition, a smile on her face. I welcome it from the otherwise solemn group, but give her a frown.

"Because I can't be a mother?"

"No, you bear things with so much composure some times, and rage out at other times." She plonks herself down by Armin and looks over his shoulder, "You're an unpredictable mess of a human-being."

I laugh and the group give small titters, trying to shift from their uncomfortable realisations about my past. I was a damaged little soldier. I internally groan, there wasn't really another way to explain it. They'd have just worried about it, or demanded further explanation. They're all gradually standing up, glancing at Levi and me.

"We're gonna do a perimeter check." Jean says with a wave, heading off, dragging Hanji along when she protests. They're voices die away into the outside darkness, and I make to turn to Levi but suddenly he's holding me from behind, head on my shoulder. I sigh and stroke his hair; surely he was more relieved than anything else?

"Levi?"

"I'm so sorry."

"Please stop, this is a good thing surely?"

"That some nut-job butchered you as a child? That could never be a good thing."

"Yeah but…" I give up. He turns me round and kisses me softly. His hands hold my face gently, and I wrap my arms round his neck, glad of the warm contact and finding him no longer trembling. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't even think of it… Seems really stupid now."

"I hadn't either, equally stupid… I never even noticed the scar…" He looks to the side, a flash of guilt going over his face. He runs his hand across my stomach. "Why didn't I notice it?"

"Maybe because I'm covered in the damn things?" I laugh, the sound seems to soothe him. "I never wanted to be defined by what happened to me in the past, Levi. I don't want to be that scared little girl. I remember her, and I've learned from her. But I'm not her anymore. You understand that surely?"

"Of course I do, Brat." He puts our foreheads together and rests his hands on my hips. "I was worried for a second there… I thought maybe because—"

"You thought I might be already?"

"Well we'd hardly been careful. Idiots that we are."

"Call yourself the idiot, I knew nothing was gonna happen. You were the one flying blind." I kiss him quickly before ducking out of the way of his grab. "You had me worrying you wanted some brats of your own."

"I have enough brats around me every damn day, thanks." He smirks, shaking his head, probably a little confused about whether to feel relieved, or horrified. I hoped he decided on relieved. It was what I was going with in either case.

"True… so… are we good?"

"Yeah." He runs a finger along my ribbon and I blush. "Though… why did you never tell me how you knew Keza?"

"She's my friend, my memories. I kind of liked having her to myself. Damn that sounds stupid when I say it out loud, it made sense in my head."

"For once, Brat? No, not stupid."

"M'kay." I kiss him softly and he pulls me closer, his hands strong as I feel him warm me through with his tender touches. My past was laid bare, and somehow that didn't scare me. What the hell was this man doing to my resolves? I pull away and run a finger along his bottom lip. "Now then, can we sit down and have a nice evening watching little Toddy over there?"

"You sound like Hanji, that's just fucking weird…"

"Sorry."

The weeks roll by; we train, we work, we do missions and so far have only had a few injuries. Including a stubbed toe on my behalf. Much to Levi's amusement as I tried to sneak back into the bedroom after visiting the loo. Bloody hurt.

Eren is working on his control over his Titan form, and Hanji is working on her control over wanting to experiment on him. All in all everything is running like clockwork, so something is bound to be on the horizon. Some would say its paranoia, I'd say, it's being fucking realistic you moron. I go about my day with this in the back of my mind, always ready, but enjoying the peace of the present.

The hot water runs over me and I breathe in the soapy air. It had been a long day of training, but finally I was managing to keep proper pace with Mikasa on the gear. I have bruising from the straps but then again who didn't? I sigh, and turn up the temperature, it begins to loosen my muscles.

"Fancy some company?" I laugh as his deep voice rumbles through the air, and put my hand round the curtain, beckoning him with my forefinger. He slips inside and joins me beneath the hot water, staring down at me intently. "Good day?"

"Yeah, and it seems to be getting even better."

"Oh?" He pushes me against the cold tiling, and I squeal at the contrast. He laughs, licking along my throat and nibbling my ear. "You sure you don't need cheering up?"

"Well I do now. Some prick just came and ruined my shower."

I form a pout with my lips and he nips it with his teeth. I try to kiss him but he ducks down, kissing across my chest and down my stomach as he sinks to his knees. I hold my breath as he hooks my leg over his shoulder, and kisses along the inside of my thigh. My hand tangles in his wet hair, biting down on my lip as he licks between my legs. Straight away he hits the sweet spot, he always had pinpoint accuracy. It was maddening. I try to support myself against the other wall with my hand, my legs shuddering as waves of pleasure decimate my strength.

"Nngh… Levi…" I whimper, and he moans as his tongue thirstily moves faster, his hands running all over my body as though forming me out of clay. I feel the pressure build, the heat forming in my gut as it always did. Why was he so good at this? My head fizzes at it draws closer.

The door opens beyond the curtain and we both freeze.

Shit, someone was coming in. We were a known couple, obviously, but this was pushing it a bit. But before I can even think of what we should do, Levi continues. I squirm and clamp my teeth over my bottom lip, moans and groans burning in my throat as I shiver with ecstasy. But I won't be able to stay quiet if he gets me all the way, I know this already. And the threat of whoever it was in the cubicle next to us overhearing, somehow makes the heat in my gut intensify.

Damn it body, you're on his side?

I tighten my hold on his hair as the moment edges closer and closer, preparing to unhook my fingertip grip on control. Suddenly he's upright, holding a hand over my mouth, as his other hand finishes his work. He grins as I shudder silently, glaring at him with hate, incomprehensible euphoria drowning me. It fizzes, it tingles, but my greedy self only wants more. My mouth falls open as my eyes close, my hand taking hold of his and commandingly pushing him deeper. I want more. He catches water in his mouth, gargles and spits before letting go of my mouth and kissing me deeply. I glare at him and his eyes momentarily widen in playful teasing as his kiss deepens.

I bite down on his tongue and he gasps, creating a whisper of space between us and allowing me to enact my revenge. I grab his engorged member and hold tightly, it's like fire in my hand and he looks at me with warning. Shaking his head, eyes flicking to the side. I smirk and begin to slowly move my hand up and down, his face contorts as shudders run through him. A grunt escapes.

That along with his gargling, surely they'd heard something?

"Levi?" Commander Erwin's voice thunders out in concern, we share a look panic before stifling laughter. "Is everything all right? You sound in pain."

"No I'm fine Erwin, just some muscle strain, thank you." He says through his teeth, face flushed as I quicken my pace. He braces himself against the wall. I hold back a chuckle, his breathing is smooth but I can tell he's having to focus like crazy. I lick at his ajar lips, grinning as he huffs a little.

"How are things with Cadet Sanshi?" I'm amazed at the Commander asking such a personal question, but I have to consider him and Levi have known each other for a long time. Levi meets my eyes, and I wonder what he would say if I wasn't here to hear it.

"Good… great." He sighs, putting his face under the water as his moment comes. He releases over my chest, and I kiss his chin.

"Y'see old friend, I told you, your fears were unfounded." As I'm stifling giggles, and reaching for the soap, I hear the Commanders words and look to see Levi blushing whilst lathering up.

"Thanks, Erwin. Should've known you'd be right." Levi replies, holding my chin gently and kissing me softly.

"Of course she's fucking insane, but I'm glad you've got some happiness."

The two men laugh together. Gossiping old buggers. I frown at Levi, he winks and I roll my eyes, lathering myself up and re-cleaning myself. Eventually the Commander leaves, reminding Levi not to fall asleep in there. The door closes, and I sigh.

"Well that was close."

"Thanks to you." Mutters Levi kissing my cheek as I stand gaping at him. The nerve.

"But it was you that… and you… Ugh!" I threw my hands up as he turned off the water, reaching out to grab his towel. He wraps it round his waist and hands me mine too.

"I thought you liked it when I kissed you there." He whispers into my ear, making me shudder. I turn and slap his chest.

"And I thought you liked it when I wanked you off." I chuckle as he scrunches his nose.

"You're not a poetic woman are you?"

"Pfft, fuck no." And I head down the corridor towards our room, it wasn't official, but considering the amount of time I spent in there now, it might as well have been. A young female cadet is shuffling past, blushing brightly before shooting me a jealous glare. I meet her gaze and wink devilishly. Leave the adults to their fun, sweetheart.

Once inside, I change into my civilian clothes and sit cross-legged on his desk, watching him change and crack open a bottle of wine. We clink our glasses and he locks the door. Our routine was simple; but it was the best thing I'd had in a long time. Simple was beautiful to me right now.

"So what were you scared of?" I ask and watch him frown into his wine glass as he draws from it deeply. Would he admit it to me? He looks at me and considers his answer. I just wait patiently.

"That I'd very quickly fuck this up."

"Well… that's adorable."

"Shut up, Brat." I hold up my hands as he tops up my glass. But there's a hint of a smile tugging at his lips as he does.

"So what're we doing—"

There's a crash from down the hall and we both roll our eyes, Hanji was presumably trying to carry too much equipment at once, again. But then there's another.

Was that a gun shot?

We share a careful look as footsteps hammer along the corridor. Levi turns and stands in front of me, I'm too confused to object. The door is kicked open to slam off the wall, and a bullet zips past our heads to strike the bookcase behind. All the while, the assailant is tackled to the floor and pinned by Erwin who quickly knocks the man out by stomping on his head.

"What the hell is happening?" Levi barks as Erwin jumps up to close and lock the door as best he can. He's panting but it doesn't take him long to turn and answer.

"Turns out the council had not taken Jack's death as lightly as we thought."

"That's not Military Police uniform." Levi retorts, as the assailant lies there in civvies and 3DMG on. No insignia in sight.

"Well it's them, strictly off the books. They suspect Robyn of being a Titan."

"What?" I ask, turning cold as I grip Levi's shoulders.

"Why the fuck do they think that?"

"Shit… Probably for the same reason you did, Levi." I answer him and jump to action, beginning to attach my gear straps over my civvies. He turns and watches me, eyes cold as he tries to think of what to do. Lastly I put on my cloak, knowing the hood would allow some camouflage. "Come to get me or kill me Commander?"

"Judging from this man's actions? Kill. Or at least seriously maim before taking you for study."

"Great. All around, or just from the front gates?"

"Not sure in all honesty."

"Would you two stop?" snaps Levi, strapping himself in meanwhile, "Just exactly what are going to do?"

"Well, either I run the fuck away, or we kill them all? Simple really." I watch the two men share a look of concern, and I just throw up my hands. "Well they just shot blindly at us, I don't think negotiations would get much further than a bullet between my eyes." I don't enjoy being so blunt with him, but Levi just tugs on his gear angrily.

"We'll head out the back, and hide in the training forest. They'll expect you to run across the plains, or for the nearest town. Staying close will not be what they expect." He looks through his drawers and passes me a small, but sharp, blade. I take it and tuck it into my straps, it'll be easier to manoeuvre it than my gear blades at close quarters.

"But staying together will be what they expect, Levi."

"Don't start that, Brat."

"I'm not starting anything, there's nothing to start."

He's about to go off on one, when I hold up a hand and just glare at him. This was no time to be an over-protective ass.

"Levi, listen. If they knew to come here, they know about us. You have a duty to the other Cadets, make sure none of those idiots get themselves killed for the likes of me." I give him a sharp shove when he tries to grab me, Erwin remains silent. I know he agrees with me. I head for the window and hold out my hand to Levi when he tries to follow. "Don't go turning into a sappy eyed puppy on me now, Captain."

He stops and groans, running a hand through his still damp hair.

"Be careful. Wait for us to come to you, no matter what you hear. Got that?"

"Yes, sir."

"Promise." he demands, I pause, but sigh and nod. If it kept him focused, then I'd agree.

"I promise. But no matter what you hear in the forest you stay the fuck out, at least till its light." He pauses now, and I narrow my eyes at him. "Levi, I need your word."

"You have it."

We share a look before I push the window open and zip out into the night. I can't look back or I'll lose my resolve. Hiding in the forest with Levi kept safe, is all I want to do, we could climb up into the canopy and just let the madness slip by under us. But I can't chance it. If they've already sussed this escape plan out, then I'd much rather it was just me left hanging in a tree dead.

I don't see any more men below me, but that doesn't mean they're not there.

I head straight for the woods without glancing back, gunfire echoes around I hear shouting. It's a mess of noise though, no voice recognisable amongst the buzzing castle. Thank goodness, or else I'd be tempted to turn round. Even now I want to; fear has them chasing me, pitchforks and scalpels ready to study what isn't even inside me.

I skid to a halt on the first branch in the line of trees. What if they take Eren? I clench my jaw and remember my promise, I'd wait for them to come to me. Eren could transform if he was being taken. The team would look after him. I trusted them.

I fire my wire and begin to fly further into the woods, but I hear another wire be set off just behind me. But I'm ready for a fight. The blade Levi gave me is still there and I hope it'll do, I didn't want to waste good Titan killing blades on these cretins. They were the scum that the government didn't want to admit existed, they did all the dark deeds that other's wouldn't.

The wire of my follower hits just off where mine did and I know I have to turn and take them on before we disappear into the trees too deeply. Otherwise it'd be a game of cat and mouse all night. But my claws were ready to deal with this pest now, not later.

I use a burst from my tanks and alter course to swing round a mighty branch and suddenly turn on them. My foot is primed for pinning them down but my plan is foiled. They were closer than I thought, and I'm sent slamming into the branch instead. I grab at it desperately, but instead I'm left dangling, dazed and confused as my attacker lands below and I hear a blade being drawn.

"Fucking monster."

But I quickly whip round and block the attack with Levi's blade and watch the beady eyes widen in shock. Once again Levi has saved my life, or delayed the inevitable.

"Little bitch, just die already."

I loose my gear, and land on the branch. Unable to run, but more than able to fight. I watch his blade glint, shifting as he shivers. Fear is the backer of this mission. They were all afraid of what they falsely believed I was. That was a clear advantage. And I know I need to play on it.

"If you really thought I was a Titan, you wouldn't be so eager to wound me. So just why the fuck are you after me?"

"I can handle you no matter what form you plan to be in. And if you were gonna change, you'd have done it by now."

Despite his ballsy words the shivers continue. I wonder if he's wet himself yet. I slowly raise my hand to my mouth, watching him sweat.

"You sure?" I growl, and he pauses.

Gotcha.

He talked brave, but that military police heart was just as corrupted and weak as the rest. I bare my teeth and make to sink them into my hand, eyes wide in forced rage. Although I doubt I manage to look as deranged as Eren, the boy had a gift for it.

"Wait!" He shouts, his outstretched hand giving a tell-tale shake before he grimaces and looks me up and down. "If you can change why have you never helped the Jeager boy?"

"I serve myself, sir. And the time has not been right yet, but if you don't put that blade away, I may just feel that change. I haven't properly flexed these muscles in a long time. Perhaps it's time for a stretch?"

"W-wait…" he looks around and from his look back at me, I can guess he's alone. Thankfully.

"Walk away and forget you saw me, if I see one of you disgusting cloak-and-dagger bastards come into these woods I will not hesitate, and then I will change. And then we'll see how strong those blades are." My voice is hoarse with nerves, but my expression fools him into believing its conviction. "And trust me, the first Female Titan? Nothing compared to me."

"What are you?"

"Tired of this. What's it to be scumbag? Convenient amnesia? Or sudden death by the roaring jaws of my true form? Either is fine by me." I do my best growl, and it works. He staggers a little, and wobbles as he loses his footing, flailing manically. I grab his collar, throw him against the branch and hold the knife to his throat.

"I'll stay quiet, d-don't kill me!" I watch his eyes well up in tears, and feel the blade twitch against his skin.

After all we had faced as a species, still we thought it was alright to hunt each other down? My heart aches as I consider how the enemies are mounting up: the inane and drooling fools outside the walls, and their miniature counterparts within the walls. Those of us left were a rare species. But then again, did I even count anymore? The rage broils within me. The thirst for this man's blood rings in my ears, fuelled by my outrage at his actions. It only made me want it more, as it continued to scare me. But it just didn't make any sense. This man, no honour or care for whom he hurt was still living and yet so many good soldiers had perished? I mean he was sniveling now, face gleaming with sweat and tears as he mumbled away. But beforehand he had been nothing more than a cold killer. A monster, he called me, so what did that make him? Why was he still breathing when Isa, Neran, Kila and Jaren, had all died in the muck? The world hadn't been fair to them, it hadn't shown them mercy; so why should I show him any?

"Like you said, I'm a fucking monster." And I unleash his life in a beautiful ruby ribbon. He gargles, and clutches at his wound, my face, my hands, anything to cling to his pathetic life. "Little bitch. Just die already."

I drop his body and climb up to unhook my gear and put it back on. My hands are shaking now, but I just focus on getting everything fixed back into place. The chaos outside the woods seems to have died down.

The silence scares me more than the gunfire did.

I climb up into the canopy; no one would be able to spot me but I might be able to see what was going on at base. Then again, did I want to? I pause as I reach for the next branch. If I saw it on fire, and heard screams I'd surely lose grip on my resolve and run back into the fray? But if I saw no light would that be worse?

I quiver and drop back onto my branch, tears brimming my eyes as confusion clouds my mind. What the fuck had happened to us? I sag to my knees and hold my head, wanting to scream at the world. I want to tear it all down, crumble it to dust and sift till I found something worth salvaging. I hold a handful of people, my comrades who each would risk everything for the other. There's so few of them among the piles of meaningless ash. I give into my sobs, they rend from me painfully. So few good people left, and yet I was having to sit here and simply hope they made it to another day.

"What a fucking mess." I hiss, leaning my head against the branch and slamming my fist into it. Hoping the pain will distract me from the fear that begins to pull me beneath the dark waves. I think back to that beautiful blue light, perhaps if I had given into it? Then this wouldn't be happening to them, my friends, my loved ones. But then a bitter laugh splits my mouth open, and I know if it wasn't this, it'd just be something else.

This world was cruel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good old brutal Robyn... I hope no one was thinking she'd gone soft!
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave follow, fav or review, all appreciated.
> 
> See you next time.


	16. Belly of the Beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here we go again, ACTION!
> 
> Hope you enjoy! Be warned, this is leading to a very... intense... story arc :P all the messy feels.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy! Once again, leave a favourite, follow or review. All are appreciated and make my day every single time!
> 
> P.S I have begun making artwork for this fic, which I keep forgetting to mention in these later chapters for those that have been reading since the beginning. Frantastic1993 is my Deviant Art id, so if you're interested, have a gander. I'm NEARLY caught up with the chapter :P nearly!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

This world was cruel.

A feral roar rips through the air and I feel myself hollow. That wasn't the roar of Eren. It was coarse, and more animal-like. Another Titan in the regiment? Or was it someone that came with the team of coverts? I shake my head at the irony, and head off for the castle. This wasn't part of the deal. If there was a Titan involved I had to help.

It doesn't take long to have the compound in view, but I find myself frozen to the last branch of the forest, eyes glued to the terrible sight. Stood in the mud, the soft rainfall gleaming off its taught skin that tears in places, great white orbs are its eyes and a battalion of great swords are its teeth as it roars into the sky. The building remains intact but the beast continues to bellow away, suddenly bending down to begin clawing down into the dirt as its rage incandesces.

Where was it going?

Why was it digging?

It was only old tunnels down there, and the occasional storage room. Nothing of value or consequence. Yet on it goes, as though searching out something precious.

I gag.

I never had learned where they kept the crystallised form of Annie. Surely they hadn't kept her here? I hear screams as the beast breaks through, and reveals a small chamber. It bears down, and roars straight into the tiny room. Anyone inside would be deafened, or knocked out. It then returns to its great height, blue crystal in one hand, and something that makes me gag once again. The dangling form of an unconscious Eren. The beast gives a sickening lick of its lips, before opening its jaws and dropping him in. I feel it punch straight through my heart.

Suddenly I'm flying.

I didn't consciously decide this, but I know what I have to do. I look down and watch bedraggled figures climb out the hole, all weak and clearly unable to do anything but watch. I see four or five of them I think; presumably Levi, Mikasa, Armin, Jean and Connie?

As the beast comes into my wire range, I hear a desperate howl from below. Somene begging me to stop. Remember my promise. I clench my teeth and try to ignore the fact it's Levi. He's pleading, but I can't look down, I can't see him like that. I had a duty to do, and he'd understand that. He had to.

My wire hits the beast's temple, it yelps loudly, and I spin to slice at its cheek. It gives an annoyed shriek, its mouth gaping open. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I twist and dive headlong down its throat, swirling and slicing the whole way down, enjoying the deafening cacophony of cries from the newest nightmare to enter our lives.

Use this mess of a night to make your move?

See how that works out my friend, just you wait and see.

I can't see a damn thing, but soon I splash into something hot and rancid smelling. It reaches my chest but I don't bother to even consider what I'm standing in, I just scramble around in the pitch darkness. I feel like I'm suffocating in the heat, but I keep going, hands clawing through the goo until I finally grab onto a thin wrist.

"Eren?!" I scream, pulling on his slack shoulders, shaking frantically. I bellow his name again and again, till it rings in my ears. I slap at his face, and back. Be alive, be okay

Please let me save you

"Rbn?" I hear the mumble and laugh as I hold him close, his short brown hair plastered to his face as I trace it carefully, I feel a weak smile and squeeze his shoulder. He was alive. He would be okay.

Suddenly our surroundings jolt and shift, the beast was moving, presumably trying to make a run for it. I slap Eren's back as he splutters, the goo nearly having drowned him. The heat of it all is making me nauseated, and I tug my cloak hood over and tuck it round my face. A plan is forming in my mind.

"I need you to work with me here, Eren. I'll turn round and you have to hold onto my back, I'm getting you out of here." I feel him wind his arms round my torso, to hook his hands over my shoulders and give a squeeze. I suppose he can do little else. But then he tenses.

"I can… change…"

"No Eren, don't, then I won't be able to help you. Just trust me, I will save you."

And with that I start to hack and slice, using my blade like a battering ram, steam blasts me in the face but I just tug my hood across. It didn't matter how much it burned, this could be my last hurray, but I wouldn't let Eren fall now. He still wanted to do so much for humanity, despite how little they deserved it.

The world shudders and shakes, and I think our vehicle is attempting to run away from this. Fuck you, and your retreat. I feel the rage burn in me as I slice onwards, yells escaping me as Eren clings to me, his grip frail. Just hold on Eren, trust me to save you. Trust me like I trust you.

Finally the steam is combined with the cold of the outside world, and we're almost there. The world jolts to a stop, and I feel myself fall, having broken through the last bit of flesh. The slime falls away from my eyes just in time to let me see the ground that rushes up to meet me.

Ow.

The icy ground is a welcome reprieve from the lava, but I know we aren't out of this yet. Eren lies on top of me, groaning as he tries to bring himself into the waking world. I jump up, and stand over him, blades drawn and still dripping with the slime as it steams off. The beast's white eyes seem to glow with hatred, and I smirk.

"Come on then, fucking do it, just fucking try!"

But before it can bring its clawed fist down, there's a few flashes of silver as the team comes in. I fall down and shield Eren with my body. I can hear his heartbeat and it comforts me. Thump, thump, thump. Like the ticking of a great clock. Another primeval bellow ignites the air, an oddly loud crunching noise sounds far to my right, and suddenly the ground is erupting into thunder as the coward runs onto the plains.

As quiet gradually takes over once more, and I let myself give into the fear. I lunge away from Eren as I retch, and throw up, my body shuddering as I spit out the last of the bitter taste. I turn to the unconscious Eren; his body bruised, and burned from the steaming escape. But he was breathing, and he was alive. When finally my nerves are satisfied that I've reacted badly enough, I flop to the side, and listen as footsteps charge over to us. There are various yells, and protestations but I just give a wave, and stare up at the clouds.

Another day in heaven.

Suddenly there's a hand grabbing my hair, and wrenching me upright. I look up into the steel eyes, and glare back. He looks wild as he bares his teeth. I fight against his hold but he just slaps me across the face. I look to the ground, and dig my hands into the soft earth, fighting the urge to return the strike tenfold. But I lose in this, and kick him away angrily. I wasn't about to put up with that shit, didn't matter how much I loved him, or that he was my Captain. Everyone stands, and stares as he gradually straightens up, and comes to loom over me again.

"You fucking promised!"

"Get a grip!" I shove him back and stand up, huffing as we square up to each other. He looks like he wants to kill me himself. "You know things changed when that fucking Titan turned up."

"How am I meant to trust you, brat?!"

"I guess you can't." I hiss between my teeth, my lips fizzing as a trickle of blood runs along them. "Are you seriously expecting me to believe that had that Titan ran into the forest you wouldn't have been right behind it?"

"Yes I expect that, dammit."

"Then I'm calling bullshit." I shove the blade he gave me back into his hand and he takes note of the blood on it, his grey eyes flashing back to mine. "Thanks for the blade, saved my life."

A groan comes from Eren, and I push past the brick wall to go to his side. I can feel everyone's eyes watching me as I push the hair from his pasty face. I'm just amazed he didn't drown in that infernal thing's gut.

"R-Rob—" He cringes as his eyes flash a brighter green. I shush him, and stroke his face gently. He was fighting the need to change so hard the entire time. He had trusted me so completely. Nice to know someone in the world would still manage to do that.

"Just rest Eren, its gone for now."

Distant shouts rise up from the compound. I can only imagine the scene that awaits us on our return. Were the secret forces gone? How many recruits had managed to survive the ambush? He shudders, and I just hold onto his wrists.

"C'mon Eren, trust me, you can do that can't you?"

"Yes… I'm sorry."

"It's fine, just take deep breaths." I glance around, and notice the distance the others are standing at, looking at me in amazement. "What?"

"Stand back Robyn, now." Snaps Levi coldly. I feel my back rise, and I look to him icily.

"No. He needs help."

"He could turn at any second, get back."

"Thank you for pointing out the obvious, now shut up and let me help him through this."

"Stand back Cadet Sanshi, now." He orders, and I can feel his glare watching me. I turn and give a forced salute. Before turning back to Eren, and holding onto his hand, squeezing. "That was an order."

"I'm aware, but it's one I'm electing to ignore. Sir."

"Don't you think for one second this is okay because—"

"It doesn't matter than I've fucked you Levi, I'm not expecting to get away with this because I love you. If you were Erwin or the King himself, right now I'd be ignoring all of you. So court-marshall me, beat the shit out of me for disobeying, but don't think I'll be taking that order. This man needs help, he's a Titan shifter yes, he can take a ridiculous amount of punishment, correct. But that doesn't mean he should have to."

My eyes are locked onto Eren's as he watches me with a twinge of guilt, but I just smile at him once the angry words have spilled out of me. Levi had to know that despite the fact I love him dearly, and would gladly swap my life for his in an instant, he wasn't the only one I cared for. He did know that. I knew he did. But I guessed he also knew I wasn't easily tamed, and I was hoping he had enough hold over my heart to manage it easier. Unfortunately for him that was not the case.

Slowly Eren's face relaxes, and his eyes dull down to their usual, sweet shine and I breathe out.

I signal the others to come over, Mikasa is first of course, and helps me get the man on his feet. We share a look of comradery as we begin to hobble back towards base, and I feel my stomach clench as I consider what it waiting for us. Jean, Connie and Armin are dragging the crystallised body of Annie along.

"What happened back at base Mikasa?" The rest of the group is walking with us, but I only refer to her as she is the only one helping me right now.

"A couple rookies got the shit kicked out of them before we'd got to them, and I think that was when some of the men headed for the forest. Levi caught most of them, and dealt with them before they got beyond the treeline." She explains, hitching Eren a little more on her shoulder. I glance over to my Captain who is staring ahead with his unreadable mask in place.

"Any fatalities?"

"On our part? A couple but…" She looks down, and blushes a little. "They only got that way because they'd betrayed us, they just spilled out any information they knew. Where you were, where Annie was, anything that was asked they just threw it out there. Anything to save their own lives. So…" She glances over at Levi, and the blush disappears as her face pales.

"So?" I encourage.

"Captain Levi, and Commander Erwin took them out. They couldn't be sure how much more information they might know or reveal. They warned them to stop, but the recruits just kept shouting stuff out, begging for mercy from the ambushers. Traitors."

I give a nod but look to the floor, silently sending out my apologies to these kids who were frightened beyond belief. This was not what they had been training for. I glance over, but Levi is still staring straight ahead. Ignoring me? Or trying to compose himself? I'm not sure, but my cheek aches from his fury.

There is mess everywhere when we get back to the compound, the pit opened by the beast like a wound in our home.

"Was it one of ours that Titaned, or theirs? A double attack."

"We don't know obviously." Levi snaps angrily but his face remains stoic. I give a dip of my head and stay quiet. I loved him and respected him, I knew I'd have to apologise for my earlier outburst. But for now the silence would have to do, my pride was still bruised from his scolding of me. He turns to the group, and hands out the orders.

"You lot take that fucking bitch to the stables, she'll have to be guarded there till we can sort out the subterranean levels. What a damned mess."

"We'll take Eren to Hanji, sir." I say, waiting for confirmation. He gives it with a curt nod, still not looking my way. Me and Mikasa help Eren along to Hanji's quarters, unsure if she'll be there or not. I wasn't entirely sure why she hadn't been with the rest of them. Again my stomach clenches. "Um Mikasa? Where is Hanji?"

"Probably running around handing out her healing serum to anyone that needs it. I'd have thought you'd have more burns than that considering the Titan steam."

"I used my cloak, so it's minimal thankfully. Let's put him on her bed over there, I'm sure she won't mind. Easy Eren, just lie down and try to rest." I stroke his cheek, "Thank you for trusting me to save you."

"Always…" he breathes before sleep clears his expression to calm. I look to Mikasa who is sitting on Hanji's desk, watching the man in the bed, her eyes unreadable as ever. I sit with her in the calm quiet for a few minutes; when we finally hear the chattering of Hanji approach her door I squeeze Mikasa's hand, and she attempts a smile. Hanji marches in, and begins to work without so much as a pause. She bids us hello, and farewell, as she ushers us out the room, muttering about how much she had to do. We stand outside her door and hear shuffling and papers being drawn up. It sounded like she was going to let him rest for now at least.

"They're going to speed up his training now." Mikasa's voice is nervous, and I put my arm round her instinctively. "He can only take so much."

"He's tougher than you give him credit for."

I kiss her forehead and she clings to me. I kind of want to get her off me so she doesn't get covered in Titan belly goo, but she begins to sob, and I can't help but hold her closer. The battleship that was Mikasa never showed this much weakness. I felt honoured and terrified all at once.

"Everything will work out, come on, let's get you cleaned up. In fact we should both get cleaned up. We're fucking filthy… ew…"

We clean ourselves up, and change into fresh uniform. I want to fall into bed, and let the sweet escape of a dreamless sleep take me. But there was work to be done. I groan and leave my room, trying to shift the drowsiness from my mind.

I head down to mess hall first, to help Armin as he goes around, taking names and ensuring everyone has had a certain amount of help or aid. He looks strained but his voice is its usual kind self, warm and tender as he moves through the room. I wondered what it would take to break him, and at the same time, I hope I never know. He leaves slightly less frightened faces in his wake, all calmed by his sincere self.

I take the bandages from him, and begin to tend to the rookies. They look at me in awe as I soothe them, and remind them that it was over, that they had made it and done the regiment proud. I was in their class, and yet I felt responsible for them. Like they were my children or something. I wondered if this was how the Commander felt when looking over the young faces, or even if Levi felt something similar. I internally groan as I remember how I'd spoken to him, and spurned his panic. That would not be a fun confrontation.

Finally everyone is accounted for, bodies included, and Amrin sits down heavily on the foot of the stairs. I sit next to him and rub his back, he folds away the file and sighs deeply. We only lost five soldiers. It was a damned miracle when all was said and done. But that seemed to indicate that the new Titan shifter was from the ambushers. Which in itself made the whole thing ridiculous. Why come to be rid of a shifter, if you have one?

Unless they didn't know they had a Titan with them.

We share a tired groan.

If for one day, the world could be laid out in a simple plan of easily answered questions we'd be happy. I look to the darkened ceiling high above, that day would likely never come. Still, it was a nice dream to hold onto for now. But there was work still to be done, long before any dreams would be found.

With the mess hall handled, and Armin left in charge, I head along to the stables where chains are being fixed into place. No sign of the Commander or Levi, but Jean and Connie are discussing in the corner. I head over and wave, they return it and then turn, eyes flickering to the crystal and then to me.

"Thanks to you we still have the bitch." Jean says with a curt nod.

"Um… your welcome? I think…" I give a nervous laugh, turning to the crystal and slowly walking over. I'd only ever heard stories about it, and her, but now that I saw it? I kind of wished it was still just an abstract concept.

It seems to radiate cold. I reach out, and touch the shining exoskeleton and shiver. And then I see her face. There she was, the Female Titan. Annie. Like a sleeping child she lies there, upright, serene and oddly beautiful as she is held in a moment of time.

Murderer.

I grit my teeth, I was well aware that we didn't know her reasons, and I'm sure she had them, but so many lives had been lost. I look over the crystal and wonder why it isn't red, so much blood had been spilled by her hands, the angelic clarity of the blue stone seemed wrong. Seemed unfair. I back away and finally tear my eyes away, Connie and Jean are watching me.

"Spooky isn't it?" Jean speaks out the side of his mouth, his strong jaw taught. I nod and enjoy watching the chains loop around the crystal, securing her in place once more.

"You two need any help with first watch?" They shake their heads, small smiles in place. "M'kay, I'll see how the clean-up is going."

"The Commander and Captain are down there by the way." Connie blushes as he scratches the back of his head. I give him a grateful nod, but head off nonetheless. I had to face Levi at some point, and the Commander would provide a nicely broad human shield. Plus there would be rubble to use as weaponry, should Levi be feeling violently inclined again.

I snort, like he ever wasn't.

The tunnels weren't somewhere I had explored on the base. Underground unnerved me when in such close quarters. The Underground city sounded amazing, but the tunnels leading there made me feel sick to my stomach.

Small holes in the ground were the beds of the dead.

I wasn't ready to sleep just yet.

I hear the voices of the two men rumble along the corridor, and my curiosity takes over. My footsteps are light as I approach, straining to hear them.

"Yes I understand that, but really Levi… How much do you ever trust anyone?"

"I fucking don't. But I trust her…"

"Thought you said you couldn't?"

"Her word. I can't trust that, clearly… but I trust that she'll always do what she thinks is right. That's something I guess. Fucking, brat."

I hear them grunt as they shift rubble, and bite down on my lip. It was half good news and half bad. Could've been worse. The low rumble of the Commander's laugh pours from the room. Laughing at Levi? Brave move.

"She's young, but she's no brat."

"If you say so…"

"I've never seen such an old soul. Well… maybe except you my friend. She's insane, but something tells me that's what's saved her thus far."

"And driven everyone else to distraction." Levi sounds bitter as more rubble is moved.

"She actually jumped in the things mouth?"

"Without even a flinch. Thought I'd snapped into one of my nightmares. But it was real, down she went, like a shot of liquor. Fucking maniac."

"And then she cut her way out? That was what Cadet Ackerman was saying. She looked impressed, I don't think I've ever seen that girl other than mildly surprised. But she was actually impressed."

"Mikasa Ackerman only feels rage or neutrality. That's the one that worries me. The way she looks after Jeager… it's just fucking creepy. And then she refuses to acknowledge the fact she cares for him."

"I find it quite endearing actually."

"Tch. You call Robyn crazy? Try applying that to the real nutter. But yeah… Robyn cut her way out, then tried to square off at the beast herself. I could've killed her myself for being so fucking stupid. Ah… fuck… damn this mess."

I walk round the corner, and hold out a bandage I had left over from helping Armin. The two men exchange a look, and I just smile overtly sweetly. I'm not saying how much I overheard, and they could hardly object to an eavesdropper. They constantly dropped eaves. This was just a taste of their own medicine.

"Needing some help in here sirs?" I ask in order to break the sudden silence.

Levi wraps the bandage round his hand, staring at the dust as he fights against wincing.

"Everywhere else seems well tended to. Though do you know where Mikasa went?"

"I sent her to help Hanji." Explains the Commander and I give a suspicious smile, he looks to the rubble with a meek grin.

"How kind of you, sir. Now then, any plan on what we're doing here?"

"Moving the rubble, obviously." Levi snaps, but I elect to ignore his pouting, and look to the neutral(ish) Commander.

"I could start collecting the bricks still intact? They can be used to help rebuild this place?"

"Go right ahead Sanshi, it's a plan."

And I shrug off my coat to begin working. They both stand with their shirts unbuttoned, with sleeves tugged up, both covered in filth as they sweat from their toiling. I get to work, feeling my muscles burn within the hour, but this wasn't going to be mended by itself. I look around, and frown as we all take a small breather, panting like dogs.

"How is it you lot weren't crushed in the cave-in? I mean thankfully you weren't but… this place is completely concaved."

"We didn't get here quick enough." Levi growls, brushing his brow.

"Thankfully." I note, but he just shrugs. I look to the Commander, and we share an eye roll. The man was sulking like a toddler. "So what's the plan from here Commander? After the clean-up I mean?"

"We'll be focusing on Jeager's control over his Titan form."

"Right…"

"He won't be happy about it, and frankly I don't like pushing the boy to it. But this has just shown what really we already knew, there are far more shifters than we originally thought."

"Eren will be eager to learn, but apprehensive about putting people at risk." I nod with him, looking at the mess of rubble and wondering at the fact Eren hadn't been crushed instantly. Or changed right there and then. I yawn and rub my eyes; the mess would be double had Eren managed to change. I was still amazed he hadn't.

"We'll take every precaution. The brat will be fine." Levi mutters. I give a huff, losing patience with this tantrum, and throw a small stone at Levi, smacking him in the leg. A snarl warps his lips. "Cadet mind yourself."

"I will if you will."

"Excuse me?"

"Eren Jeager is possibly one of the bravest Cadets I've ever had the honour to meet, sir. And frankly your attitude towards him seems only to be of contempt. Which is wholly unfair to his struggle."

"Struggle?" the smirk is cold.

I grimace and carry on with my work, shaking my head as I try and rein in my temper. I understood that he was angry at me, infuriated even, but that didn't mean he had to belittle Eren. Especially when he wasn't here to defend himself. I hear him chuckle before repeating himself, more contempt somehow shoe-horned into place.

"Struggle?"

"Levi…" The Commander begins but Levi just shoots him a look.

"No, I'd like this so-called struggle explained. Or even why the brat didn't change when he should have, saving Cadet Sanshi, here, the need to go diving into the belly of the beast herself?"

Now we're getting to it.

I turn to him fully, head tilted and brow raised.

"Can I ask a question, sir?"

"Can I stop you?" He quips and I flinch a little, chucking my brick into the growing pile. I note his downcast eyes as he catches his breath. He isn't proud of how he's acting, but he'll keep it up if he can.

"Are you speaking as my captain? Or as the man I love? Apologies for the lack of formality, Commander." I add with an apologetic look, he accepts it with grace, returning to his work, but not till he's shot Levi a warning look. But I rather fear it's ignored. "Captain Levi, did you hear my question?"

"I heard it," He breathes, inured hand flexing a little. "I can't, however, answer it."

"Very well. Then I'll speak freely if you can't make up your damned mind."

"Here we go..."

"Is that really what this is sulking is about? The fact that Eren didn't change, and save me the danger of saving him?"

Levi looks up with a blankly Levi look, and I wait, a brow still raised in challenge. His temper is flaring, I can see it plainly for the time being. I couldn't deny the thrill I felt, when I knew the loosening of his control when dealing with me. It was terrifying at times, but as I said, it was a thrill I felt, not a warm cosy feeling of safety. It was like poking a wild animal with a stick. Maybe I was mad.

"Well, Captain?"

"Why didn't he change?" He demands and I throw my arms up in disbelief. Holy shit. The ridiculousness would not quit piling up. It was not everyone else's job to protect me. This was almost misogynistic.

"He was knocked unconscious, Levi!"

He is about to argue when I charge over to him, an accusing finger jabbing at him furiously. The Commander continues to work, occasionally looking over in his nosiness.

"Just as all of you looked like you almost were."

"Yes but—"

"Then he was dropped a good 60 if not 100 feet into the scalding hot belly of a Titan. When I got to him I pulled him up and out of the goo, he almost fucking drowned. But as soon as he came to a little, he said he would change. He was going to do it."

"So why—"

"I made him stop." I snap, finding it to be my turn to look away. The silence is heavy and eventually I look his way, seeing the rage flaring in his eyes. I'd had a way out and yet had denied it. I can see it going through his head.

"You did what?"

"If he had changed we wouldn't have been able to help, there was no way to use the gear to help him if he got into a fight. As well as the fact I'd probably have been crushed? I'm tough but I'm still squishable! Look… I knew I could handle it, so I asked him to trust me. And he did."

I turn to go back to my work but he's holding onto my wrist, his breathing quick as his grip tightens. I gasp as it begins to hurt, but he doesn't let up. I resist the urge to swing round, and clap him one on the side of the head. I don't fully understand this episode he's having, but then again, I guess there was a lot I still didn't understand about Levi.

"I'm sorry Levi, but I won't be begging for your forgiveness for what I did. I made the choice to jump from those trees and I'm glad."

"You promised."

"I know. I heard you shouting up to me, but I knew what I had to do." I stop trying to pull away, and instead cup his jaw tenderly. I have no idea if he'll just shrug me off or not. But it's clear to see the fury is fuelled by concern. I guess he did feel fear. I just hated that it was for me. "Life has never been kind to any of us, we all have good instincts, or at least strong instincts. And I'm afraid I've relied on them for too long, to start denying them now."

He sighs heavily, and his eyes close as his face relaxes. It was better than a shrug off. A smile etches itself over my face as he slowly he turns, and kisses my palm. How did this idiot do that? Be such an obnoxious child one second, and then a tender man the next. He was fucking impossible to keep up with.

"Your instincts are good… brilliant in fact. But you're still a crazy brat."

He looks at me and gives a slight smirk, I return it and playfully slap his cheek. His eyes narrow and he clicks his tongue. It's all water under the bridge for now, I guess. I can feel Erwin watching us, and can only imagine the confusion in his face. Poor man. I gently peck my Captain on the lips, before heading back over to my work. The silence is no longer heavy, instead it is simply calm. With a side-note of delirious confusion.

We work into the night and soon dawn signals our over-exuberance. My arms scream at me as the golden light breaks up the velvet blue. Exhaustion didn't quite cover this. I straighten up and sigh as my spine crackles loudly. Both men laugh and do the same, their bones snapping and popping.

"Well, we're a healthy bunch." I chuckle, stumbling towards the door, I glance over at them as they grab for their jackets. "Coffee for you both?"

"Mm, cheers Cadet. We'll be along momentarily." The Commander rumbles as he does up his shirt. I give a wave and jog noisily along the corridor, giving a clear signal that they were in fact left alone to talk, if that was what they had wanted.

Most of the others have gone to bed, the mess hall only holding a couple sleepy looking faces. I pour out the three coffees and leave them on a table, whilst I run a couple mugs along to Jean and Connie, if they're still on watch, or to whomever had taken over. The quiet in HQ was both calming, and eerie. So much noise, and chaos was always followed by this kind of silence, but usually this was accompanied by a surrounding mourning. Instead we had a golden sunrise. I smile. We had a new enemy, but finally we had a peaceful reprieve.

I bite my tongue; don't jinx it you prat.

The stable is warm when I enter. Jean is asleep on the stool, a bit of drool on his chin as Connie leans against the wall, still watching, though obviously exhausted beyond reason. Soft snoring comes from the irritable blonde but we don't wake him. I hand Connie his cup, and he places Jean's beneath the stool, should the man wake any time soon.

"I'll look for someone to take over?" I whisper as I head for the door.

"Armin's gonna take over once he's had his forty-winks. Looks like you've been clearing the rubble all night? Made much progress?"

"Progress is progress."

"Is that clearing the rubble, or trouble in paradise?" he wiggles his eyebrows and I shake my head at him.

"On both counts, actually. Ya smart-ass. It was tough, but we've got a slight bit of order in there now. See you later Connie, good work, by the way, jackass."

I head back and sit next to Levi, with the Commander across from us. We sip our coffee in sweet silence, it'll do nothing to keep us awake, but the warmth was soothing. I glance around at the other empty tables. The other, clean, empty tables. There was no trace at all of the fact this had been where me and Armin had been tending to the bleeding. Not a spot was to be found. Had I not known Levi had been moving rubble all night, I'd have thought it was his handiwork.

Suddenly I feel a nudge against my shoulder, and my head jolts upright from resting against my arm. Erwin has already left and there's no one else left in the mess hall. He gets up and tugs me with him. We trudge along, kind of using each other for support as we yawn and grumble aimlessly. Time to get cleaned up again, and catch some sleep.

I climb into my shower, and sigh as the hot water beats onto my aching muscles. The curtain draws back, and Levi walks in, not saying a word as he winds his arms round me, resting his head on my shoulder. I think on both counts, all is forgiven, and I just focus on his strong arms holding me. I hated this sense of dependency, it was not in my nature. But it felt good. We wash each other gently, exchanging sweet kisses and caresses as the night is washed away. Still no words are exchanged, none are needed really.

When done, he takes my hand and we tuck our towels round us before he leads me down to his room, locks the door and climbs into bed next to me. I lay my head on his chest and we're asleep in moments. Really this was how the night should have played out initially. Then again, that wasn't how our life was meant to play out. Was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Titan, plot thickens, oh lordy!
> 
> I have to admit, I'm really excited to show you guys where this all leads to, but it... as usual... takes some time :P but it all starts there! Anyway, thanks for reading, see you next time!


	17. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again :) hope you enjoy, as always, lovely readers, please review, favourite and or follow, it really helps/keeps me going, and i LOVE to hear what you guys think. Positive and Negative welcome as always.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

The prospect of training was daunting to Eren. It took its toll physically, mentally and emotionally. But I knew his main concern was the fact he would be transforming in such close proximity to us breakable people. But he knows he has to do it. Frankly the prospect of training this way was daunting to all of us. We would be pushing Eren harder than ever before; as well as having to deal with the mania of Hanji. With so much access to Eren in his Titan form, I wasn't sure how well we'd be able to hold her back.

As the day of training dawns, Eren insists on continuing to use the well. Hanji pouts, and moans and almost does a full on tantrum. Again and again she exclaims how that will restrict her studies, or impede his progress. In all honesty it's the only viable option as far as I can tell. By using the well, we would be able to build up his responsiveness, and determine his control with voice commands. It seems like a good place to start to me, but Hanji continues to chomp at the bit. Her very own Titan to train and control. I look to the heavens, she was obsessed.

Everyone else is training as normal; hand to hand or 3DGM, but the Levi squad only has Eren to deal with. Eren's anxious about the fact that he didn't always manage to change without the heat of the moment. We all encourage him, and show our support. It was important that he knew he had the team behind him, so we all do our part.

Well, almost all.

Despite my best efforts, Levi remains annoyed and distant. Grumbling at me to stay well out of range at all times. We had patched things over well enough, but his paranoia remained. It was nice that he cared; but it was getting gradually more irritating the more he tried to hold me back. I was his… girlfriend? I shudder, that sounded awful. Partner made it sound even weirder, and I wasn't his wife, again I shudder. His lover? Now I just feel queasy. His woman? I giggle a little, I now sound like a damned pet. I was his. That'd do. Anyway; back to my original train of thought. I was his, but before that I was a soldier. I had my duty to do, and right now, that meant helping Eren, and in order to do that I had to be a bit closer than a mile away.

As another day dawns, after the first four of unsuccessful lacking transformation. Nearly a whole week of disappointment; both for Eren and Erwin. I try to keep Eren's spirits up, assuring him it'll come with time, but I can do nothing for the Commander. That's Levi's area. I really don't understand Erwin yet, so can't hope to help him. Though the thought of Levi giving a pep-talk was quite amusing.

We all head out to the well as usual. Eren looks uneasy as he descends, all the past failures pressing down on him as he enters the pit. Mikasa is standing tall, but I see her hands shake by her side. It's a little confusing for her; she hates to see him so dejected, but she also hates to watch him lose control with his Titan form. Not to mention the toll it takes on him. I go over to her, without a word, and put an arm round her, gently squeezing. The machine that was Mikasa needed a little help, now and then, and I was all too glad to volunteer. She had saved so many lives with her brilliance, and yet still people thought of her as Eren's creepy shadow. Poor gal. Although I won't deny her connection to Eren is a little creepy, I'm not that mad.

"He'll be okay."

"Mm."

It's all she can muster, but I see her glance my way and make a tiny attempt at a smile. I give another squeeze before letting go. There are mutterings, and groans from down the well, gradually getting angrier with each passing moment.

Another failure.

Me and Mikasa jog over, despite the protests of the Commander, but we can see nothing's happening once again. He's mainly warning us to stay back, in order to calm his own nerves of another failure being set out in front of him. Really I think he'd like for us to suddenly be thrown backwards by a rush of steam. Then he'd have a Titan to control. We'd be burnt to a crisp, but he'd have his new toy. It was times like these, that I really understood people's nervousness around Erwin. Determination was a dangerous thing, but with him, that seemed to apply tenfold.

As the lip of the well approaches, we look down carefully and call down. The green eyes flash up to us and we cringe away from the sight of his bloodied hand. He always went nuts when it didn't work, damn idiot had gnawed his hand to pieces. Again. Then again I couldn't make much comment on mauling ones hand. My own scar, still very much in view.

"Eren just breathe." Mikasa calls, her scarf dangling down. He draws a deep breath, but just grunts in annoyance and grabs at his head, shaking it back and forth as he tries to wrestle the beast out of its slumber. We sit back and wait, he gradually climbs back up to the top and sits on the edge with a deep blush and gritted teeth.

"It's not damned use… I can't do it. I'm fucking useless."

I quickly shoot Levi a look. He closes his mouth slowly.

We take a break, cleaning up Eren's hand, and dishing out water as the sun continues to beat down. He looks over to the rookies training in the compound and sighs. Mikasa pushes his hair back, and lays her hand on his shoulder.

"I know it's frustrating Eren, but you can't expect it to work first time round."

"But it isn't first time round Mikasa." He snaps, shrugging her hand away roughly. I hold my tongue, but think my expression is blatant in my disapproval. He sees it and groans tiredly, tugging on Mikasa's scarf with a meek look. "I'm sorry, I just feel so god damned useless. I'm the Titan shifter who can't fucking shift. Great job for humanity's 'last hope'."

"Hey," I nudge his arm, "Enough with the potty mouth? I'm the swearbox here."

"Sorry… I'm the Titan shifter who can't gosh darn shift."

"Sarcastic prick." I laugh, shaking my head. "Though don't go selling us short. We're not useless y'know. Plus you're a damn good soldier even without your ability. Keep that in mind whilst you wallow?" We share a smile but his eyes shift to behind me.

I turn to see Erwin, Levi and Hanji stood talking; heads bent together a little as their minds try to manoeuvre to the next plan. I really feel like they should do that in someone's office, it was hardly helping the situation. Though thankfully Hanji just keeps mentioning 'patience'; it probably more that she doesn't want the two men to give up before she has her fun, but I'm grateful for her buying Eren time. I didn't think Levi would be so impatient, but I figure he's keen to have Eren fully in control of his powers sooner rather than later. It had been a nasty surprise the other night with that new Titan. And clearly these other shifters knew how to use their ability. Not that it was Eren's fault, his father had purposely stolen his memories. The more I learned about that man, the more I wanted to slap him round the face and snap his glasses. I could only imagine Eren's anger.

"They're getting impatient with me…" His green eyes shine a little as his frustration deepens. The only thing he wanted, apart from exterminating all the Titans from this world, was to prove himself. Yet life kept giving him obstacles. At least in his mind it did. As far as I was concerned his work in Trost had proven his worth, and his willing. Now it was a case of overcoming a lack of control. And that could be learnt.

"Let them." I turn to him and take his hands in mine. He smiles but still looks downtrodden. He was so eager to please, to prove himself.

I knew the feeling well.

He just had to focus on the right thing.

Surely that was the key to it.

All these other Titan shifters had specific goals in mind when shifting, they were focused, and they were driven. Eren was driven, to the point of excess, but he had trouble focusing. I knew that. In the heat of the moment he focused on the danger; like when he stopped that cannonball from hitting Mikasa and Armin. Or when he tried to pick up a spoon. I have to admit, I was miffed I'd not seen him do something that hilarious, myself. But with hilarity aside; it was all about focus.

"I just don't know what to do," he mutters, more to himself than us. "I need it to be in the moment, the danger, the panic—"

"You can't rely on that, Eren…" I'm beginning to let my theory materialise outside my head, in case it made no sense out in the open. I meet his gaze and he swallows, I think I look a little deranged. "It isn't safe for you or us. You just… you need to know when you need to change, and that may well be outside a fight, ready to charge in, fully in control and ready to figure it out… So just focus on that."

"On what?"

"That you don't need the panic of the moment, you don't need the danger of an ongoing fight. What you need is to learn to control it, you need to know the beast inside you and own it. You need to kill all the Titans like you planned, and this is how you're gonna do it. Focus on that, you need to control it. And we're going to help you." I cheer, a little louder than intended. I share a broad grin with Eren, and just smile at Mikasa's mix of confusion and concern.

"Yeah… makes… damn that actually makes sense…" I try and ignore the slightly insulting surprise in his voice.

"This is your team, Eren, and we will not abandon you. Got it?" I squeeze his hands tightly and his big green eyes are brighter than ever.

"I'm ready to try again… I think…"

"Nearly convincing. Now go on, head back down, let's get back Mikasa. I think he's gonna manage this time." I wink at him as he heads down the ladder. She's gnawing her lip, but remains silent as we take up our stance, and I put my arm round her again.

A few minutes slip by in silence, but then there's a small yelp of pain and suddenly steam billows up and out of the well. I share a strangely excited look with Mikasa. He did it. Hanji is whooping behind us, and I heard Erwin begin to talk excitedly at Levi. I think I just hear Levi sigh, and say 'finally'.

The steam clears bit by bit, and finally we have him before us. In all his terrifying glory.

Completely sealed in, his Titan head thrown back in a frustrated roar, as its great arms were kept safely held in check. There he was. I glance over and see all the rookies have stopped to stare. A few are staggering backwards, but soon enough are back to their training after Levi sends a couple harsh words their way.

First off, Hanji tries to instruct him. Really we can't stop her as she stumbles over in her desperation.

"Eren you big sexy beast! You did it!" she coo's and I feel myself blush as Mikasa makes a weird growling noise next to me. "Let's get to work shall we my darling boy?"

"Mikasa… breathe…"

Hanji continues on, encouraging him to give signals, to blink, to give calls, to do anything really that co-ordinated with her commands. But to not avail. He just looked around wildly. It hurt the scientist, her crooning becoming manic as each command went by unnoticed. She comes over to where me and Mikasa stand, and slumps to the ground with small whimpers. I pat the top of her head and make sure I'm properly in-between her and the very tense Mikasa.

Then Levi tries; his barks only further enraging Eren, his green eyes flaring as his teeth gnashed together. I think I might be the only one not surprised by this. I'm guessing that the Titan had seen Levi swing in before tearing Eren out manually after the Female Titan attack. Or the beating in the courtroom, or any other point that Levi had been overly harsh with Eren. It made Eren compliant, but it angered the beast.

Then they push me forward.

Really?

I figured Jean and Connie would be left out, neither of them were particularly close emotionally, with Eren, or commanding. Well, Jean had his moments, but him and Eren hardly saw eye to eye on a regular basis. But at least the Commander should go first? I point to him and look round with a raised brow, slightly desperate to not have this pressure on my shoulders.

"Why not the Commander first?"

"Won't work if he won't listen to Levi." The Commander then gives me a knowing look and nods towards the howling Titan. "And I don't want Mikasa that close to him, considering what happened in Trost."

"Right…"

"Go on Sanshi. It's your time to shine."

"Uh huh… right… so you don't mind me getting squished… Thanks…"

I turn and swallow hard, stepping forward with a small shake. I knew Eren never wanted to hurt me, but I couldn't help but shiver a little. He was immense before me, such unbridled rage in those burning emeralds, it made me want to full on run away. He was awesome, but awesomely terrifying. But he needed our help. I remember how he trusted me to help him the other night. That took a lot of trust, and perhaps that was key.

Maybe the Commander was right?

I call out Eren's name but there's no reaction. I gnaw on my bottom lip, and consider what everyone else has already tried; Hanji crooned, Levi ordered. Perhaps…? I think back to how Eren had tensed up when realising the danger we were in when in the belly of the beast. I think to how Mikasa yells his name in battle, her pain and panic whenever he's in trouble. The howl of someone he cared for. I look back to him and ready myself.

I was going to look absolutely ridiculous wasn't I?

"EREN!" the scream is savage and as though I'm in pain. His eyes snap to me, breathing quick as he looms. My eyes are locked on his and I swear I feel my brain begin to warm up as that gaze is focused on me.

That actually worked?

I glance back at the group, noting the Commander holding onto Levi's arm. I give a small blush as I realise he may well have thought Eren was attacking me. Whoops. I turn back to the now intent Titan and try to think. Now that I had his attention, what was I meant to do?

Everyone is silent, their breath held as I straighten up and give an awkward wave. What else am I meant to do? I'm shivering all over as the staring contest continues, but I know this is progress, so that was something.

"Blink if you understand me, Eren."

Nothing happens.

He's just watching me. I walk to my left, he follows with those eyes, I walk to the right and again he follows. I look back over my shoulder to the Commander, to Hanji, to Levi, looking for some kind of help. They all shrug.

Great!

I turn back to Eren and feign a swoon, giving out a small whimper as I crumple to my knees. The breathing of the beast gutters a touch, and I look up with pain written over my face. He strains forward. He wants to help. I know it's stupid but I lean forward, arm outstretched a little. But he just snarls and throws back his head again. Not keen on control. Well at least he didn't try and bite my arm off? Silver linings were important.

It takes until sunset, but eventually he returns to human form once the Titan is spent, after straining against the well for so long.

We retrieve Eren and tend to his bruised flesh. We've set up a tent, in case he is up for more tests into the night. Time was never on our side, but with the previous night's attack ringing in our ears, it felt especially impatient with us. Bit by bit he's brought back to us, giving careful smiles as we explain the progress made. He looks to me with a raised brow.

"What made you think to do that?"

"Guess." I say sipping on my coffee. "I remembered Mikasa saying how you swooped in and saved her from those Titans when you first changed. So I went with that."

"Good thinking on Sanshi's part, but we still have a long way to go. By gaining full control over Eren's Titan form we will be able to greatly increase our success rates, and reduce our deaths at the same time."

The Commander is careful to keep us grounded. I understand that he doesn't want us becoming disheartened when we don't immediately make more progress, but I wish he'd allow for a little more celebration. Never mind. Though as he mentions deaths I hold my coffee a little tighter. In the light of the flames shapes form, casting little shadows as they discuss what other tests might work. Isa's hair shifts in the wind as her big eyes stare me down. Why hadn't I had such a moment of genius when it counted? I grit my teeth and try to ignore her pestering gaze. All the clever thinking in the world didn't matter when faced with four Titans in those conditions.

But if you'd come up with a better plan? We might not be rotting out there beyond the walls. It's nice and warm by the fire right? Shame its damned freezing out there, in the dark open plain. I think Levi feels me tense next to him and subtly begins running his hand up and down my back, tracing small patterns as he goes. I don't say anything, I just lean back a little, the feling of his hand more apparent. I glance his way with a thankful smile, and he nods into his coffee, a small smirk tugging at the side of his mouth. He loved knowing he could read me. In a way I loved it to, but a small part of my pride wasn't too keen.

The Commander looks to Eren, and his eyes narrow a little.

"Are you willing to try again tonight Jeager?"

"Yes, sir."

"At least think about it, brat." Murmurs Levi, and I frown at him. Why the hell did he care all of a sudden? "Don't just say yes because it's Erwin asking. You can say no, idiot."

"Um… thank you… Captain. But I feel okay to go again. I want to get this done, I want… I want to know I can control it for my team… sir." He watches Levi carefully, clearly baffled by the words of slight compassion. I'm still surprised myself.

"I'll help you over to the well, Eren." Mikasa holds out her hand but he gets up on his own, shaking his head with a smile.

"I'm good Mikasa, stop fussing."

He heads over and makes his descent, looking anxious but determined. The boy just never gave up. I sigh, I really couldn't make up my mind with Eren, was he a man or boy? Sometimes he was so naïve and sweet, I could put nothing to him but child status, and the need to look after him. But then that fire entered his eyes and I knew he was a man, he knew what he wanted. It'll eventually be decided I guess. Although I kind of hope, not too soon, the longer I got to think of him as a child, the longer I hoped he could act like one. This world stole youth, it was great to see it clinging to him so determinedly.

We head over once the steam has cleared again; one arm is partially free this time, wrist and hand above ground level. That couldn't have been comfortable. But I just hope the well is strong enough to stop him barging out and running off. Catching him in the dark would be a nightmare. Though I can't help but find it a little funny as his hand flaps about, as though he's flamboyantly telling me about a wonderful pair of shoes he just bought. Fabulous or what? I bite my tongue, I think I need some sleep, this was a fricking Titan, not a joke. A giggle escapes.

The Commander gives me a little push. Oh right, we were working here weren't we? I clear my throat and head towards Eren, he occasionally glances my way lazily, and I call out his name at a normal volume. I'm mainly hoping to save my voice, but there's no response. Nothing at all. Dang it. I give out a scream, and he zones in once again. But there's less fire this time, he recognises the cry, and knows it's just the little doll wanting to order him about. I wonder how small I look to him.

"Eren? Blink if you can hear me."

For a moment nothing happens, he just breathes quickly at me. Then his fingers begin to twitch erratically, and I lean back a little, no longer finding anything amusing. Can he grab at me from there? I don't think he can, but I definitely didn't tell him to move his hand.

I take a deep breath. These nerves weren't helping anyone, so kindly get a grip woman. I clench my fists, I have to get through to him. He can clearly hear me, I just need him to understand me as well. Perhaps it just needed the right words with the right message. I was worried I was being too optimistic, but there was no harm in trying. Well… unless it sent him into a blind rage, and he killed us all.

But that was the worst case scenario.

"Eren! Listen to me, you're in there, I know you are. This is your Titan form, so bloody control it! We are your team, and we will not abandon you, so don't abandon us!" My throat scratches from the shouting, but his hand has stopped. "Okay… Now then, stop slacking! Blink if you understand me!"

Slowly he blinks, breathing slowing as well. My heart judders, and my knees wobble. Holy shit that just worked? Okay, don't freak out Robyn, just keep going. This was amazing progress. Well done Eren you clever bastard. I let my smile break out as I give another command.

"Give a small, and controlled shout."

It sounds like a bark.

I can't help but give a laugh, hands over my mouth as triumph washes over me. Maybe I would manage to make a real difference after all. His great head tilts, eyes flaring a little. I wonder if he thinks I'm laughing at him.

"Stick out your tongue Eren." He does so, and I give a cheer, "So you can hear me?"

He nods slowly.

"And you can understand me?"

Another nod.

"Okay then…"

Progress was good, but I wanted to get further. I didn't want him to have to transform again. Not when it took so much out of him. So the more I got out of him now the better, then they'd let him rest. I take a deep breath and begin to walk towards him. I hear small gasps behind me but I just wave a hand back at them, I don't want them to spook him.

"Don't move Eren, understood? You can nod for an answer."

He nods.

I sigh raggedly, and walk towards him, his breath is like fire as its heat washes over me. It was just Eren wrapped in intimidating, searing flesh with huge razor sharp jaws. That's all. Nothing to be afraid of Sanshi. No, you don't need to pee. I bite my tongue, and I reach out to touch his chin. There's a low growl, but I maintain my stance and look up, he's watching me closely.

Is it him or the beast?

Or both?

"Steady. You're doing great Eren, really, you're doing amazing."

A chuckle?

He seems to vibrate with it, and I smile as the eyes brighten. Okay he wasn't attacking me. This was good, now to step it up. I walk round and climb up his wrist, his hand slowly flattens to allow me a platform. I say a thank you in his ear, and again he chuckles. I then begin to climb up through his hair. It's like silk, but equally heated as his breath, and I gasp with each movement. It leaves no marks though. And the entire time he remains completely still. I can scarcely imagine the panic going through the group, but they all laugh and cheer when I appear atop the Titan's head. I kneel down and give a reassuring pat.

"Eren, you're amazing." I think I hear something like a purr. I then jump down, and turn to him with a broad smile. "One last thing Eren, my dear friend. Ready?"

A nod.

"Change back into a human."

There's a tense silence as the beast considers my request. I hold out my hands, keeping my smile in place as my heart hammers away. It's the strength, the unruly power, it was that which keeps his humanity bound as he sits there at the nape of this beast's neck. It was my own theory but as the beast remained still, unresponsive, I felt it was time to put it into practise.

"A human Eren. You know it's what you really are."

Nothing but silence.

"Look, we'll be needing you to turn back into this magnificent beast soon enough. The strength isn't just in the beast. It's in you Eren."

Silence.

"Eren?" pleading enters my voice, as my hands shake a little in front of me. I hadn't pushed too far had I? I hadn't hoped too much, and tempted fate to slap me back down? I steady my nerves and clear my throat, he could do this. I knew he could. "Come back? Come back to us. We're your team, and we will never abandon you."

The eyes slowly close, and there's a few moments of stillness. I'm expecting him to suddenly throw his head back, and roar. To be outraged by my request, to burst out of the well and pummel me, and my bossiness, out of existence. But instead there's a slight tearing noise, and steam rises behind the Titan.

Oh my god.

We all rush round and are amazed. At the back of the beast's neck is Eren, hanging back, unconscious, but mainly detached as he hangs there. Not ideal, but it was a definite starting place. Maintaining consciousness could be learned, it could all be learned now that we knew he could be helped through it. I didn't like to think of it as controlling, really it wasn't that, after all he could break away at any second. But he knew we didn't want to cage him, we wanted to help him fulfil his mission. And he would. I know that as Mikasa and Connie help him down to the ground, and carry him back towards base.

And then it hits me.

It worked.

It actually worked.

I sink to my knees, and feel tears pour from my eyes. Sobs come from me loud and clear, and my entire body convulses with them. I hadn't been allowed to freak out in front of the Titan, so now it was kind of pouring out of me. Literally. My heart is hammering in my ears as laughter attempts to bubble through my blubbering. Levi, the Commander and Hanji turn to me, with confusion. Levi comes to me, kneeling by my side and putting a strong arm round my shuddering shoulder as I continue to weep.

"Robyn? What is it?"

"What's wrong Cadet?" The Commander rumbles, though from further away. Probably expecting me to have a full on freak-out, and wanting to remain out of the splash-zone. Clever man.

"Kiddo, you did it, you got through to him! It's amazing." Hanji is gushing, hopping from foot to foot and clapping her hands. I can only imagine the lunacy in her face.

"Why're you crying Robyn?" Levi asks lowly, worried that the shadows were making another appearance in my mind. I realise I need to let them know this is a happy freak-out, in order to stop Levi's fretting. I look at Levi and he sees my broad smile, and he rolls his eyes. The shadows are nowhere to be found right now, there's too much joy. I look up to the Commander, and Hanji and begin to laugh. The Commander sighs at my mania.

"I'm so fucking happy." I choke out, throwing my arms round Levi recklessly, and clinging to him as I fall apart into a jabbering heap. I hear him sigh, a small chuckle under his breath as he rubs my back again, holding me close. "I was so scared, I was shaking all over. But then he-he looked at me. I actually did it… shit… I actually did something."

"It's hardly your first accomplishment," Levi murmurs, kissing my cheek. "You brat."

"Shut up." I giggle, putting my head in my hands and lying back onto the cold grass. "My heart…" the laughter bubbles out of me and Levi gets himself comfortable as Hanji joins in, and the Commander stands shaking his head. He could only manage so much crazy in one day, and I think he'd reached his limit with me. Somehow this only makes me laugh harder.

"Shit."

It was the first time I'd heard the Commander swear.

I felt a shiver run down my spine.

Something had happened, that much was clear as my laughter gutters to a halt. There was no crashing, no gunfire. What was it then? I get up with Levi's help and we, along with Hanji, head over to where the Commander has stopped dead in his tracks. He is watching a small group stand across from three figures near the building for HQ, all illuminated by nearby lanterns. Some of the rookies were freaking out over Eren.

Shit.

I break into a run without stopping to make a plan. Soon enough, the three superiors are on my tail as we charge over.

The outraged shouts get louder as we close in on Mikasa and Connie, as they stand in front of Eren, who is leaning against the wall. The mob is broiling, heads bobbing around as things are yelled and shrieked. What was going through these kid's heads?

"Stay away or I will slice you all to the ground." states Mikasa, with her usual cold determination, despite the fact she isn't holding a blade. But the rookies just look amongst themselves, all panicked and ranting.

"He's dangerous! He's why they came in the night!"

"Yeah!"

"He shouldn't stay in the base! Leave him on the plains!"

"Look, he's shaking, he's gonna change again!"

We catch up but no one looks our way. They're so blinded by fear they've just ignored three superiors? And me… but I wasn't as much of a surprise.

I go over to Eren who is gripping himself in a tight hug; his face strained as he fights the need to protect himself with his Titan form. I can see it, he's shaking his head and muttering. I lay a careful hand on his shoulder; his eyes snap open, ablaze as he bares his teeth and grabs my wrist. I hold out my free hand to Levi, who just took an aggressive march forward. Aggression wasn't what was needed here Captain. I keep my eyes locked on Eren's as his grip tightens on my wrist, nails digging in till blood seeps out. But I don't flinch, I haven't let my face register the little snips of pain that are cutting into my nerves. I use my free hand to give a small squeeze on his shoulder, waiting patiently as reason creeps its way back into his mind.

There he is.

I slowly pry his fingers out of my arm. The blood then flows a little freer, and trickles down over my hand as I let it hang by my side. I nod at him reassuringly, he leans back again, and looks at the ground in shame. But he's relatively calm. I then turn to the crowd, and stare them all down.

How dare they?

My eyes are cold as I walk towards them, they stumble back with each step I take. They are the same age and rank as me, and yet I feel like I'm towering over them. My voice is steady and calm.

"Those men came in the night for me. Not Eren."

The group all back down a little, still confused, but thankfully no longer leering towards Eren. I can hear his panicked huffs still, he was reassured, but still uneasy. I would much rather they rant at me, I wasn't going to turn into a sixteen metre Titan. I'd rage at them sure, but from a much more manageable height. And with less damage to surrounding buildings. Probably.

"The plains is no place for an honourable soldier such as Eren. He has regularly shown his worth both in the field, and on this compound. Can you say the same?"

They back away a little more.

"Have you taken on twenty Titan's single handed and defeated them? Have you risked yourself and left yourself exposed to the world as you transform into something that you yourself don't understand? Well?"

A few heads shake in response. At least they were listening. It was a start.

"Can you understand him? No. But that doesn't mean you need to fear him. Can you empathise with his fear? Certainly. So kindly do so."

"But look what he did to your arm!" Gasps a little blonde creature, her big blue eyes wide in their ignorance as she points shakily at my ruby dripping hand. I grab her hand with my bloodied one, and point to Eren. He's still hunched against the wall, gasping as he tries to keep the beast at bay. It's not easy at the best of times, let alone when he's so worn down.

"Look at what you're doing to him!" I throw her back into the group, and look at them all, my nose scrunched. "Congrats, you've become the mindless mob we're trying to save from themselves behind those walls. You're better than this soldiers, fucking plug your brains back in, and your compassion if you can find it."

"But what if he changes?"

"What if he does? He is our ally, our comrade. Perhaps you lot need to try and change instead?" I hiss at the young boy with the freckles who sinks back into the crowd. "As it so happens, we have just gotten to the point that we can fully communicate with Eren, when he is in his Titan form. So not only has he never attacked a human, but now he can communicate with them as his Titan self. Good enough?"

Silence stares back at me, with a few intermittent nods.

"Now, fuck off."

They disperse gradually, shuffling away with quick glances back at me and the rest. Their young eyes shine with fear, but their faces are blank with obedience. I stand tall, blood still dribbling off my hand as I stare after the mob. When the door finally closes after the last idiot, I huff and let myself hunch a little, my heart hammering in my chest. I look down at my bloodied hand, its shaking like a leaf. I guess they took that for rage, instead of panic.

Mikasa, and Connie, lead Eren to Hanji's quarters to rest up, we're all in agreement that he needs watching over. Both medically, and if any of the Cadets decide to be idiots again. The Commander puts a hand on my shoulder and pats it gently.

"Good work Cadet, although—"

"Eren did in fact attack Mikasa in Trost?" He frowns and nods, unhappy at the truth of the matter. I pop my lips and click my fingers. "Gee I forgot, better go correct myself?"

"Perhaps not."

"Didn't think so." I say with a wink, giving a quick salute before heading after Mikasa and Connie. I needed to see for myself that Eren was all right, and resting easy. I glance back over my shoulder to see Erwin turning to talk with Levi and I feel myself suddenly nervous. Why the hell was I feeling like that? I shake off the feeling and catch up to my friends.

"How's he doing?"

"He's exhausted, but not in any danger now, thanks to you." Replies Mikasa, though her eyes are downcast as they make their way along. I'm confused but silence the questions for now. They carry Eren to the bed; his sleepy eyes look up at me, and a smile breaks his lips. I kneel down and take his hand with a gentle squeeze.

"You've done so well today Eren. Try and get some rest."

"Thank you Robyn… You know… it scares the hell out of me when you scream…" He gives a small laugh and yawn, "I suppose I mean that literally."

"Hm?"

"I could suddenly feel, and see everything clearly, no steaming madness in between. And then with those rookies—" I put a finger to his lips.

"You're more than welcome Eren, but please give yourself, and your mouth a rest."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Cheeky fuck." I laugh, ruffling his hair before getting up to leave. As we close the door, Eren gives in, and rolls over in sleep.

Connie heads off, a triumphant grin in place as he goes for the mess-hall. I walk along slowly with Mikasa, glancing her way occasionally to see the same downcast look. Something was up, something was cooking in that clever head. I hold her back, and wait for her to look up at me. She should be happy right now; Eren had control over his Titan form, or at least to a degree. The danger to him was greatly reduced. Yet her big eyes, that have always swum with darkness, now hold grief as well. I flinch back a little, but keep hold of her arm.

"Mikasa what's wrong? Eren did so well… he's going to be okay, he's just tired."

"I-I know… I just… it's foolish. Ignore me."

"Not a chance. Come on, woman, talk to me." I plead, squeezing her arm a little. She purses her lips but gives into me, uneasily shifting her weight all the while.

"I just don't understand why he attacked me, and yet listened to you…" she breathes, her eyes closing as a tear seeps out the side. I dab it away with her red scarf and smile, shaking my head at her. What a little fool this hardened soldier could be. She frowns at me, completely lost.

"Don't be an idiot."

"Robyn, I mean it, he—"

"Mikasa, it was a completely different situation."

"But—"

"In Trost it was the heat of the moment, it was a crazy situation, with immense pressure. You told me that yourself, when defending Eren's actions?"

"I suppose…"

"Well today… today was a controlled situation. With practise he'll be able to control it no matter what the situation, but this doesn't mean anything. Seriously… seriously… holy shit…" I gasp as I realise something. Mikasa's eyes go wide, and she shakes me as I fall against the wall.

My mind whirls as realisation smacks into me, like a Titan's left hook. It was so clear, they'd been trying for months to wake Annie up right? That must be why they'd kept her all this time. Well we'd potentially just cracked how to do it. Holy shit have I just figured it out?

"Robyn what is it?"

"When I screamed at Eren? I tried to scream like you would when he was in pain, the same yell I've heard you make whenever we've had issue on a mission… and that's why he responded… so Annie… and… holy shit where is Armin? I have an idea!"

I can't wait for her to twig what I was talking about, and I knew I wasn't going to manage a coherent explanation any time soon. Instead I turn, and run full pelt to the mess hall. When I stumble into the room I get a few odd looks, but this is normal for me, and I ignore them as I charge over to Armin. The blonde looks at me with a little fear as I grab his arm, and drag him along to the stables. My heart pounds in my ears as the idea crystallises. I make him stand in front of the blue orb, and I feel him shudder at the sight.

I sigh and put my hands on his shoulders, talking into his ear. I explain my thinking behind the scream that made Eren focus, and he suddenly looks at me like I'm mad. Well… mad-er.

"I can't wake her up, Robyn!"

"Why not? It worked when I—"

"No I don't mean I can't… I'm sure your idea would work… but I mean I can't as in, I don't want to. What would we do if she did wake up?"

"Get answers." Levi drawls from the corner, where's been standing with Erwin all along. I jump at his voice, creepy bugger was keeping his ninja habits going. "Good thinking, Robyn."

I turn back to Armin with a broad grin, and shake him a little.

"She clearly cares about you, she didn't kill you specifically because of that."

"Or because I wasn't Eren, and she's overtly efficient."

"Look, what's the worst that'll happen if it doesn't work? Your throat pinches a bit?"

"And if it does work?" He demands, shrugging off my hands a little angrily. "Eren is no fit state to fight, and we can't fight her alone. We know this."

"She's been stagnant for months, there's no way she'd be able to do anything other than crawl about in either form." I retort, and he sinks back in defeat. He knows I'm right, and he doesn't like it. His blue eyes zone in on the sleeping face, and he blushes. Damn he was adorable. He draws a deep breath, and we all cringe back as he screams out Annie's name, his voice cracking with emotion.

Her eyes snap open.

We all tense. This was it, the awakening of the Female Titan. Shit, we probably should have gotten equipped right? No, she wouldn't be that dangerous right now. We all prepare for the smashing of crystal, for an explosion, for a crack to appear. For something to happen.

But ultimately… nothing does.

How boring.

I reach out, and rap the crystal, it's as solid as ever, and nothing else has changed. It's still cold, she's still trapped in there, and we're still none the wiser. Damn it, I really thought that might make a difference. I guess I was only allowed so much progress in one day.

I pat Armin's shivering shoulder.

"Well… now she's creepier? Shit, I really thought that was going… to… work…" I back away as the eyes bore into me, they begin moving round the room, and flickering back to Armin. "Yup… she's definitely creepier."

"Is she awake?" Armin asks shakily.

"Doesn't look asleep." Again I jump as Levi's voice rumbles next to me, he takes my hand and is holding tight. Fucking ninja, I needed to get him a bell or something. "But nothing seems to be happening to the crystal. Yet. Double guards, now, and get more chains."

Belts and braces did seem sensible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think? And see you next time! Updates will be more regular hopefully from now on!


	18. Thirst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again reader!
> 
> Thanks for reading, and please, please review, favourite and or follow. You're all such quiet people! I personally never know when to shut up... if you hadn't noticed? Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Attack On Titan, only my OC, and she's enough to deal with.

It came as a mixed blessing really. We had made progress in two areas, but as we gained control over one Titan, we had potentially lost it over another. I had expressed my apologies repeatedly, but no one listened, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. But now we weren't sure how much control Annie had over the crystal.

Could she break out the second we weren't watching?

Was she even strong enough to do that?

How badly would she stink? – this was my own musing, not particularly well received.

But she was clearly still alive, her eyes constantly shifting between the people that guarded her, all looking to the floor or each other in order to avoid the penetrating gaze. But nothing had happened so far, a week since had passed.

Eren was continuing his training; with others using my phrasing as the key to his control. We were his team, we would never abandon him. I was glad it worked for others, it was a lot to bear on ones shoulders alone. But with the whole team able to guide Eren, it made it easier. Bit by bit Eren was less exhausted after each session, gaining better control each time. It was astounding. He really was a marvel. And each time we made that little bit more progress, the shadows lingering by the flames got that little less distinct. A little less judging. I was keeping my promise. I was making a difference.

As the week grew to a close the Commander asked us all to his office. I was immediately suspicious, but Levi told me to keep it together, and withhold any back-chat till we knew what it was about. I complied. Sort of. Erwin sat, with his hands clasped together, just covering his mouth as he looked at his desk till we had all assembled.

I had a sense of dread all of a sudden.

"I want to congratulate you all on your progress this week, the Captain has been giving me fantastic reports. Really, well done all of you."

"But?" I interject, taking note of the smirk that appears on Levi's lips as I say this. The Commander looks at me, his eyes widened a fraction. Yeah, I got you pegged. Everyone glances my way and I groan. "C'mon he could've said this at breakfast, there's something he wants on top of patting our heads. A favour I'd guess."

"Cadet Sanshi has a point…" he clears his throat, shooting his smirking Captain a look. "We have to make a move on this issue of the covert team that came here in the night. I for one am not willing to let such an insult slide."

"So what exactly are we going to do?" Eren steps forward with eager eyes. The Commander sits back, and nods to his Captain who steps away from the wall, and approaches the desk. So he did know what this was about? Sneaky bugger.

"There's a fundraiser in the inner city, and all the fat bastard's in charge will be there schmoozing for cash."

Was this the opportunity to get into the inner city Erwin had mentioned?

"We are unfortunately, expected to attend on behalf of the Scouts. This is an opportunity to do some digging."

"So who else is going?" I ask, looking round, and hoping Eren is one of the people. In the inner city it would be tricky to run away if he had to, but also it would be so far in that other shifters would be less likely to want to change. It was probably the safest place for him, strangely enough.

"Myself, and Erwin, along with about half of you. Eren is going as a means of gaining revenue, the ignorant fuckwits needs to see that he is in fact human. Glasses will stay here with the remainder of you, and keep watch over the rookies. It's doubtful that another attack would happen on the base considering that we will be taking Eren with us."

"W-what about Annie?" Armin pipes up, and the Commander gives a nod in his direction.

"You will be one of the Cadets remaining here Artlet, you will be in charge of maintaining the crystal's guard. It seems there is some connection she has to you, whatever it may be, it at least may stop her from breaking free before we return."

"How do you figure, sir?"

"I don't, I just hope." He corrects before looking round the room. "The other Cadets we thought to take were Ackerman, Sanshi, and Kirstein. We'll attend the party, and see what we can learn. It's a simplistic plan but we have hope we'll manage to gain some information."

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I want to walk over and slap the man to make sure he's not drunk. Seriously? He thinks someone is just going to drop it into conversation that they ordered a covert operation for my murder? But I hold my tongue, I need to figure out a better way to go about this, before pointing out the Commander's overtly naïve suggestion. He must have more of a plan than that, the man was a genius when it came to strategy. It didn't make sense.

"I also need this team to do me another favour, I need you to show some visitors…"

I zone out a little as I try to think of a better way around this situation. Me, Mikasa, Eren, Jean, and the two superiors. What the hell could I do with that? Armin was usually the one to come up with a brilliant plan, but he looked a little pre-occupied with having to look after Annie, and whatever the Commander was saying. I'd find out in a minute. I just had to think. I'd lived in the inner city, I knew how it worked. Of course none of this lot knew I'd lived there, it had never come up before. Come up. My mind wanders down a cagey route, and I think back to my red ribbon.

I wonder…

"Sanshi?"

The Commander's voice is impatient, and I jolt back into the room, a blush on my cheeks as I've totally ignored everything that was just said. Damn it, for once I wasn't paying attention, and this time I get asked something? Typical. I look around but no one's helping, just sheepishly looking my way. I can't even see my Captain, the group is shielding him from view. He's probably smirking.

"Sorry sir, I was… elsewhere."

"Indeed." He glared a little, and I looked to the floor. "I was explaining that we have visitors coming today."

"Visitors?" Levi repeats when the Commander seemed unwilling to continue. "You keep saying we're showing someone round Erwin, but who is it?"

Erwin nodded, and sighed deeply.

This sounded like good news.

"Those that worship the walls want to survey our progress."

We all groan, and he gives a small nod.

"I know, it's a trying task to deal with these fanatics, but we can't refuse them either. They've gained a decent amount of sway over the council. If we cause issue, we could have a riot on our hands."

"What exactly are we meant to do with them? Other than fight the compulsion to chuck them out over the battlements?" I ask with narrowed eyes, he gives me a warning look but I just stare back. Sod this. My patience for those of a religious disposition was rather lacking. It kind of annoyed me that everyone in this group now knew why, I really wished that had stayed in the past where it was safely forgotten. Thankfully the Commander didn't know, at least, so hopefully no one felt like sharing on my behalf. I'd already taken notes of the looks they'd thrown my way; some nervous, others wary, and Levi was plain warning me to keep my cool.

"They want to have a tour of the base, and see our training grounds."

"Why?" Armin steps forward, "The cultists have never shown an interest before…"

"They want to see where we keep Eren." I answer Armin's question bitterly. "We'd better hide Annie then. They'll either start stoning us for harbouring another fugitive, or proclaim her some kind of prophet, and start dancing round her, ass naked. And some of those cultists have way too many bulges for that to be a pretty sight."

"Someone pair up with Sanshi, and keep a leash on her." The Commander sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with impatience. I huff and go to the back of the room. Mikasa and Eren raise their hands, and the Commander nods. Apparently we have the joy of showing the sister's round the compound.

Oh good.

Nuns.

My favourite flavour!

I think to point out the problem with this idea, but still don't want the Commander getting yet another glance into my damned past. I swallow my retort, and accept it. My past was something I'd never wanted shared, so if I could retain something, I would.

"You may now go see to our guests… though Sanshi? I need to speak with you for a moment." I step back from the doorway, annoyed at escape being snatched from me, and shuffle back over to the desk. Levi lingers for a moment, before accepting the fact he wasn't meant to, and closed the door behind him. I wait as Erwin sits back, and smooths his hair down, before giving me an odd little smile. That unnerves me no end.

"Sir?"

"When we go to attend this banquet, I will give you the preceding daytime hours we have to search for your friend. Thus far my contacts have come up with nothing, they may yet, but as soon as we enter the inner city, you may go in search."

So I was right. I just smile, and salute to my kind Commander. There wasn't much point in gushing my gratitude, it would only wane his patience with me further. He waves me off, and begins to pull out more paperwork. The amount of trees that man must kill every damn day… it was mind boggling.

I head out the office, and am about to head outside to the compound when I feel the cold hand of Levi take mine, and tug me back a little. I pause, and wait for him to say his piece, his face looks ripe for a speech right now.

"I know, and completely understand your hatred for these people. But they are not—"

"I know they're not who ripped me apart." I look to the ground, still annoyed that he knew that messy part of my past. It just clouded his opinion of me. He gently touches my chin so I look at him. I knew he was a captain, and I knew that there were important things, but I couldn't deny my exhaustion. He'd been so busy working with Erwin that it seemed like an age since I'd slept in his arms. I always slept better when I had him holding me. It helped keep the monsters at bay. They were a lot more frightened of him, than I was of them.

"I'm sorry I can't get you out of this, but I guessed you didn't want Erwin to know?"

"He already probably sees me as a victim, no need to placate that idea further."

"He doesn't think that. No one does, brat."

"I can't help but disagree.

"I know… Just keep in mind that the Nun's aren't the monsters in your dreams." He gently kisses my forehead, and I give an uneasy nod, he knows I'll try.

I head outside into the sunshine towards the idiots stood stock still, straight laced and all in black. I hoped they were boiling out their skulls. Not that there was a lot in there to bubble away. I snigger, but stand behind Mikasa as she greets the women to our base, and asks them what they'd like to see first. They instruct us to guide them towards the combat training area. I wonder if I should suggest a personal demonstration. I think better of it though. Eren is watching me carefully, and I am determined to keep my cool.

But then I hear the squeak of a wheel. I turn, and see one of the nuns is in a wheelchair. I go over and push her, unwilling to wait on the old bat. She gives a barely audible thank you, whispered bitterly between thin lips that are cracked, and dry. She is like a scarecrow as she leans forwards in her chair, little curled wisps of hair escaping from under her hood. A distinctive ring if on her withered middle finger, golden bands of rope wound round a dark oblong stone.

I knew that ring.

I stop pushing and look up to the sky, challenging the Universe against this bad joke.

Eren and Mikasa stop the remainder of the group, and make their way over to me.

The sky just stares back at my challenge, and I feel the name rise, like bile to my shaking lips.

"S-sister Delange?"

"Indeed soldier? What is it? We are falling behind."

"The rest of the group has stopped moving, sister." I keep my voice calm, trying to keep the fizzing rage under my control.

"Has it? Oh… my eye sight is failing me. Why have we stopped though? I wish to get on with this task soldier. Kin—"

"Did you live in Shiganshina?"

"I do not understand what that has to do with anything soldier so please—"

"Oblige me, sister." I am holding onto the handles of the chair very tightly, watching the old head bob about like it had all those years ago. The thin hand is on the arm rest, and I see her claw-like nails. She turns her bobbing head round, and the yellowed eyes squint up at me.

"I lived there yes, and was in charge of an orphanage for the unfortunates."

Mikasa and Eren take hold of my arms but I'm fused to the chair, my hands making the entire thing. Finally something clicks in that dusty old mind, and the eyes widen a little beneath their wrinkled lids.

"M-my god… little Sanshi… h-how—"

"Butchered any children lately?" it doesn't even sound like me as I growl at the woman, my two friends still trying to pry me away, and save me from myself. I'm clinging to it, my nails digging into my self-control. I think to Levi, I think of his deep grey eyes and his arms round me. Calm down, dammit calm down.

"H-how did you… h-how…"

"How did I survive?"

"Uh… bu—"

"I stole medicine for six fucking weeks to cling to life. I hobbled for months. How many more girls did you rip open? How many more did you throw back into the gutter, their insides torn apart and searing in incomprehensible pain?" the poisonous words spill out of me. I throw her from the chair, but feel my friends desperately holding me back. "You're a fucking monster. Never mind the Titans, you've probably killed millions. And all for your righteous cause."

I stare down at her as she scrambles in the dirt, trying to get away from me. Eren and Mikasa are holding onto me, but then they notice I'm not moving anymore. I just stare at my hands, my own filthy, blood caked hands, and slowly unhook them from the chair handles.

It isn't that I suddenly mourn the children I would have potentially had. I meant what I said that night, I agreed with Eren's outlook completely. Children had no place in this mad world. What angered me was that the woman had survived, and who knew how many more girls she had hollowed out.

Their voices are bubbling around me but I just stay fixed in place, I'm waiting for it to subside. The anger is egging me on, whispering into my ear that I should strangle the life from that withered body. I should grab a sharp stone, and bludgeon her frail skull into pulp. I should drown her in the mud, and revel in the gargling bubbles that rise out the muck. I shudder as the hatred poisons me.

"Cadet Sanshi."

The low rumbles bring me back to the surface, and I breathe deeply as the free air fills my lungs. I look into his eyes, and want to fall into his arms, but firstly I notice his formality, and secondly I remember I have a damn spine. So I just stumble a little instead. His eyes flash a little. I stand straight, and salute.

"Sir."

Levi's shoulders relax a little, and he looks to the Nun he was speaking to. I shake my head, what the hell? Did I zone out for that long? Sister Delange is a few metres away, back onto her chair, and being cleaned up. Now some mousey woman is mouthing off at Levi. Her pinched little face is flushed red as she rages on about my actions. Doesn't she realise I didn't kill Sister Delange? The woman still has her head attached, she shouldn't be raging, she should be thanking whatever God it was she lusted after. But on she goes, blah blah, outrage and dishonour. The nun looks me up and down a dozen times, her young faced pruning with distaste.

Oh fuck this.

"Careful love, if the wind changes you'll get stuck like that." I say with a dip of my head.

Levi clears his throat, but I'm sure I see him fighting back a smile. He does it well, but I'm learning his tells. He's never going to be able to play poker against me. Hmm, strip poker could be fun. I realise the nun is actually talking, so I try to zone in on her incredibly irritating voice.

"Of all the disrespectful cretins to crawl through this world… this girl here is by far the lowliest. I tell you I saw it, she upturned sister Delange into the mud! An old woman, in a wheelchair!"

"And for the fifth time sister, I apologise on behalf of the Cadet." Levi reiterates through clenched teeth. I snigger as I consider what he would probably prefer to be saying, and meet the woman's outraged look with my dead-set eyes. I can hear my three comrades give small groans, but no one intervenes. They know I'm about to take this woman down with a verbal lashing, but none of them seem to want to avert it.

We all love the nuns.

"What could possibly justify—"

"So sorry, are you expecting an apology from me?" I snap, teeth slightly bared. Somehow her mouth becomes more pursed. I'm expecting her face to turn inside out any second. Her sharp little eyes bore into me and she quips an eyebrow.

"I don't expect it, I demand it."

"Oh well then, that makes all the damned difference."

"Well, really!"

"Tell me, how did she end up in her wheelchair?" I ask, everyone does a double-take and stares at me. It only then occurs to me, that Levi, Mikasa and Eren, simply think I attacked the old woman because she was a nun. They haven't realised she was one of the nuns that actually did the deed all those years ago. The mousey nun lets the question topple through her righteous mind till finally it plops into place, and she musters an answer from between her lemon sucked lips.

"What does that have to do with your actions?"

"Quite a lot actually. So answer the question little woman."

"She was assaulted many years ago by some young roughians."

Realisation runs through the three stood watching; Mikasa and Eren shuffle away from the nun slightly, whilst Levi takes a definitive step towards me.

"And I'm guessing the five other nuns in the orphanage were assaulted on the same day, by the same children?"

"Well yes… but… I never mentioned the orphanage, or the other nuns…"

"Observant cretin, aren't you?" I challenge and lean closer.

"W-what are you t-talking about…? How did you know…?"

"Sister Delange and her fellow psychotic religious head cases were not assaulted by roughians. No. The only two surviving girls from their latest ritual, had come to settle a score. Those women tore us open. They took unsuspecting, trusting, children, and lured them in with shelter, warmth, clothing and food, just so they could steal their insides and hopes of a family for the sake of their damned faith!"

I'm looming over the stammering woman, she's turning paler as my voice echoes around the compound. But I keep my face carefully calm, making my voice all the scarier to her shaking form. My comrades are just letting this happen. I wonder if they think this is justice, or if they sense that this might give some closure. To be honest I had thought closure had already been acquired, I had assumed that the damned nuns had died after me and Keza had attacked them.

"So the two girls made it, and went back to the orphanage with two knives. They had decided to repay the favour. The two girls broke in and one by one, sunk their knives into the sisters who had hurt them. We cut them where they cut us. It was only right."

"S-sister Delange never said—"

"So tell me, sister. Does that justify it? The fact that one of those nuns turns up in front of one of those girls, and has the gall to be alive and well? How dare she?! That woman should have died in agony like those other girls, and however many countless others she butchered over the years, did. So I'm sorry if I threw her in the mud. But quite frankly? She should be fucking thankful it wasn't over a cliff, or into the gaping mouth of a Titan." I hiss, looking at the wheelchair bound woman as I utter the last part. She makes a choking sound, and begins to flap about in a panic.

"But at least I managed to sever her spinal cord. I'm guessing that's why the wench is in a wheelchair? Hmm? Good. Now then, you." I point to the mousey nun, who is still bobbing her mouth open and closed. "Tell me something. And don't lie?"

She nods.

"Do you still enact this ritual?" she bobs her mouth about annoyingly and I grit my teeth, leaning in a little closer, so I'm only a few inches away from her. "Do you still enact this ritual?"

"N-n-no, the order abandoned s-such beliefs many years ago… I-I d-didn't realise that—"

"That any of those girls had survived? Not many of us did. So think on that next time you get down on your knees to suck your God's cock. Got it? Now get the fuck out of here with your preaching, and lecturing, you have no right. None." I then straighten up slowly, brush myself down for effect. Then give the most disturbingly sweet smile I can, tap her on the head, turn, and walk away.

That felt pretty fucking good.

I walk clear across the compound, and am about to enter the building when there's a tired groan from my left. I turn, and blush as the Commander stands, rubbing his temples as he leans against the building.

"Public relations isn't your forte, is it, Sanshi?"

"Dunno what you mean Commander, I'm such a people person…" I mumble, and he gives me a stern look. I hold up my hands, a nervous smile on my lips. "Did I kill Sister Delange?"

"No."

"And did I actually rant at Sister Delange?"

"No."

"So really, all I did was give the woman a short mud bath. Will probably do wonders for her skin."

"Indeed, cadet Sanshi. Although you did almost scare the other sister, half to death."

"She's covered for when that happens anyway, I thought they were supposed to be married to the Gods? She'd have gotten to see her husbands. Really I'm just trying to do a good thing here…" I see the strain in his face, I try to smile off the tension but my knees buckle a little and I brace myself against the wall. Dammit. "I am sorry Commander, but… well to be brutally honest, I lost it a bit."

"Really… you don't say, Cadet."

"Mm… Once again the past came to bite me on the ass…" I close my eyes, and sigh, I knew I'd let him down, and that bothered me more now than it had when I didn't give a damn about the man. Dang emotional connections; tricky buggers.

"What past do you have with the nuns exactly? You don't seem the religious type. And also this doesn't help me with the current issue of how this is going to reflect in their report."

"They won't say anything about what just happened, sir."

"And why wouldn't they?"

"Because they don't want their old practises brought back into public memory."

"Their practises?" He repeats, looking over to the nuns, then back to me with realisation. A light raising of his brows, and I know he's on board. Another piece of me laid out before him. The man was going to know me better than I knew myself if this kept going.

"And I just happen to be a walking, and loudly talking, piece of hard proof."

I push off the wall, and stand, hands on hips. I don't need to elaborate, he'll know what I'm talking about. And if he doesn't he could get it from somewhere else. I wasn't in the mood for holding hands, and sharing. But I think he gets it. I scratch the back of my head, and give a careful smile, a plan occurring to me.

"If you played it right Commander, and hinted towards the scandal that would ensue if I went on a public ranting rampage… then they might just give us a glowing review."

"Blackmail." He says, one of his brows raised elegantly. I sigh and nod, guessing his moral code wasn't going to allow such deviation. But I see it working through his calculating mind, sliding into place as he sees the elegance of the solution I have just outlined. His eyes flash to me, and a small smile appears for a moment. "That will be all Cadet Sanshi."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

I head inside, and am glad of the cool room that envelopes me. I begin to walk towards my room, but as the box is laid before me I know I need something more open. I glace out my window, and know where I need to be. I head for the stairs, and eventually come out onto the roof of headquarters.

The wind whips my hair around as I wander around the edges, letting my arms drag out lazily, like spread wings. But I soon enough feel a cold shiver. Shit. I close my eyes as the world spins. It's still there. I'm a poisoned wretch, and it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to forget, the damage was fucking done. Damn I was sick of this. If it wasn't my long forgotten past, it was ghosts of my team, or my mother, or… damn it was quite a list.

I try and shove up those walls again, if fire had no air it couldn't burn. Levi would understand if I was distant for a while. I needed to sort my head out before anything else tumbled in from my locked doors, anything else in the past that felt like making a grand entrance. It seriously needed me to have my shit together, or I was really going to lose my grip on what little sanity I still had. The walls are heavy, and I grip the small wall I'm leaning on to help. It would have to work. I could only suppress so much without these fuckers in place.

"Robyn!"

My silence is broken by Eren's yell from behind me. I watch him rush over, he looks a little panicked. He pants heavily as he comes up in front of me, shaking his head, and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry about that."

"Not your fault." I look up, and he goes blank, his eyes watering a little. I sigh, and consider what I must look like. I must look dead inside. "I'm sorry… I can't do it Eren, I can't outrun it."

"That past has a nasty way of coming back to us…" He takes my hand and kisses it, I smile at the gesture. He was too kind to something like me. "You shouldn't have had to revisit that."

I try and hold the smile in place but it soon falters, I think he feels my shivering in my hand as his hold tightens a little. He doesn't say anything, but his eyes ask a million questions. Damn kid was too sweet. I open my mouth to speak but the words fail, I grit my teeth, and make my tongue work. My eyes are growing warm.

"It never goes away. Not completely. Levi helps but… I'm just scared…"

"Of?"

"I can only hurt him and all of you… it's inevitable. Everyone else that I've dared to care about has ended up dead, maimed, or turning on me. I think I'm just meant to walk alone. The past, the anger, my thirst. I can feel it there, beneath the fucking surface, just waiting to drown my sorry sack of shit self."

"Thirst?"

"Blood-thirst, surely you understand that above all other people Eren?" my voice cracks, and I sit down heavily. "Each Titan I kill, each wrong doer, I hope it'll beat down the thirst, it'll help smother the damn flames of hate I feel. But it doesn't. I get thirstier, and the flames climb higher. I-I don't really know how much more… I-I…" I shakily gasp at the air that suddenly seems so thin.

He sits next to me, and shuffles closer. The wind ruffles his soft brown hair, and I concentrate on the warmth of the sun on my back. Peace. It was here somewhere. I just had to shift through the shit to get to it.

"You need to get away." He tucks my hair back behind my ears, I chuckle and let my head hang back a bit.

"Know any nice holiday spots?" I scoff shaking my head, welcoming his naïve smile like a balm to my burning world. "I'd love to. Just run into the woods, and climb into the canopy." I sigh and lay down along the wall, a leg dangling out over the edge. Eren just sits there watching me, a hand on my bent knee.

"What would you do there?"

"Mm… I dunno…"

"Come on, you must have some idea." The kid was sweet for trying to distract me.

"I um… I suppose… I'd sleep."

"Anything else?"

"I'd sing."

"You really do sing then?" He says in amazement. "I've never heard you sing properly, just that… that lullaby..."

"Yeah... I've never really had the opportunity here. I used to do it to earn a bit of coin. Not that I know if I'm any fucking good of course, might've just earnt it out of pity. Nah… if I was up there? Near the big open sky, or the clouds? I'd join the birds, I'd sing into the sky, and feel the wind flap my hair around like it was wings. And I'd laugh. I'd laugh long and loud."

"Sounds good."

"Yeah… it kinda does, doesn't it?"

"I think the Captain would like that."

"Mm, yeah maybe… But there's no way I'd get him away from work for that long, he'd say we had a duty to attend to. Which we do. I know this… pfft, you're gonna get me into trouble, Eren."

"How?"

"Putting ideas in my daft head." I close my eyes, and breathe in the open air, it's a little freer up here. Just the bottomless sky above.

"Singing isn't that daft… is it?" He nudges my arm, and I smirk at his encouragement.

Did I even remember any songs?

No words come to my mind, so instead I begin to hum, slowly opening my mouth and allowing the notes to swim up into the air. I raise and lower, the melody flexing and twirling out of my mouth, and I smile. It feels good to sing. It's a muscle I haven't stretched properly in quite some time though; except for yelling or screaming, so my voice suddenly cracks, and I laugh. I cover my face with my hand, and continue to laugh till my stomach hurts.

"Wow, well, there you go… my singing."

"It was beautiful…" there's a pain in Eren's voice, I prop myself up on my elbows and see tears falling from his green eyes as he watches the few clouds skirt by. "My mother used to sing. She sang most whilst she hung up the washing on the line. No words, just song, like you did then."

"I'm sorry Eren, I didn't sing words as I don't really remember any lyrics. It's just noise in my mind now. Sorry… I won't do it again."

"Don't be stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"It brought back happy memories for me, why would you promise to deprive me of that? And think of how many others might have memories locked away, that could come into the open if you sung."

"I guess…"

"Please sing more often, just humming, or the occasional tune?"

He watches me, and I blush, I'd never thought of my voice as anything other than passable. And now here was Eren acting like it was a siren's song. But he just sits there, waiting for me to promise. There's so much need there I can't help it. I nod, and smile.

"If it means that much to you Eren, of course. Ask me any time."

"Really?"

"Really. Now then, we should probably head back… how long have I been gone?"

"Not long at all… Commander Erwin sent me after you, he looked a little concerned but I think he was just worried about the nuns."

"Fucking nuns… shit I really tipped her out of her wheelchair didn't I?" I put a hand to my mouth as Eren helps me up. He nods, and we both laugh a little too hard.

Once again I'm sat there having dinner, being scrutinised by those outside our group. Gossip was like a virus in this place. I stare at my plate, and feel a blush take over my face. I hate my body for betraying me, I didn't feel like I cared what they were whispering, but apparently my body did. A cup of coffee is set down before Levi sits down next to me, nudging me softly. I take the coffee, and smile at him.

"Thanks."  
"No problem, brat." And then he puts his mouth to my ear, whispering gently, "I'm so fucking proud of you."

"Why?" I laugh, my blush deepening.

"Because you didn't strangle her scrawny neck?"

"Very true… in fact, yeah, you should be proud." I say, sitting upright with a grin. He shakes his head, and drinks his coffee. I look around, and stare down anyone glancing my way. Fuck them. It was my past, and had theirs come knocking, I'd like to see them deal with it this well. I hadn't killed anyone today. Today was a fucking good day. I giggle and begin to nibble at my food.

"You're looking in better spirits." Says Eren as he sits down opposite, I purse my lips and nod. I hope he won't worry after my little emotional outburst. I really shouldn't have said those things to the kid, he had enough to deal with.

"Yeah, sorry about the roof, Eren."

"The roof?" questions Levi from his coffee cup. I look at Eren with slightly widened eyes, shaking my head a fraction, begging him not to elaborate. "Robyn, what happened on the roof?"

"Eren caught me singing like a strangled cat. Poor kid's ears were bleeding by the end of it."

Mikasa stiffens, and looks at Eren's ears, I put my hand over my face and shake my head at her when she realises I was joking. I smile at her blush and wink, she was the worst worrier I knew. Eren is watching me closely, but he doesn't argue with the story, almost.

"Actually she sings pretty well. But yeah, that was all."

"But he said you looked in better spirits?" Levi rumbles, leaning a fraction closer to me. Did he have to be so fucking observant all the time? I shrug, and turn to him with feigned innocence.

"I guess the song sounded a bit sad?"

"Yeah it did, only a bit though… sorry, I was exaggerating." Eren blushes as he looks to his meal. Unable to deal with his Captain's scrutiny. I can see Levi isn't convinced but I just put a hand on his leg, and squeeze.

"Seriously Levi, that's it."

"Mm…"

"Hey… do you know when we're setting off for the inner city?"

"Three days. Why?"

"I really fancy a drink, where's Hanji?" I hop up, and head away before more questions can be voiced. A decent exit plan, and in truth I really did fancy some momentary escape. It'd be nice. Perhaps even beneficial for all. I go to the lab, and find Hanji working away as usual. She barely looks up from her work as I look around, shifting bottles and flasks, looking for those clear bottles of sweet numbness.

"They're under the cabinet there." She points, and still doesn't look up. "I heard about your restraint today. Good work, kiddo."

"Cheers, fancy joining me?"

"Pfft, you're not drinking my liquor without me. I'll join you in a while. Where will you be?"

"Mess hall probably? Actually… make it Commander Erwin's office."

"Say again?" now she looks up, ink all over her face. "I didn't know you, and Erwin got on."

"Well I don't think he dislikes me, but I feel like that man could do with a drink?"

"Good point. You take four bottles and I'll bring the same."

"Um… okay… set on a hard night?"

"Why the heck not." She sighs, sitting back, and rubbing her eyes. I go over, and look at her notes, the woman's handwriting was awful, it was like a code.

"You all right, Hanji?"

"Yeah… I'm just having a sombre moment. It'll pass."

"Hey…" I nudge her, and sit on a small clear patch of the desk, she looks up and I see the shadows beneath her eyes. This wasn't like Hanji, usually that face was bright and lively. What had happened? I tap her glasses as they sit atop her messy hair. "What's going on? This isn't like you."

"Sorry kiddo, I just haven't made much progress with Toddy."

"He's still here?" I shake my head, I hadn't even thought of the Titan we had tied up since the night we sat and watched it. "I'd totally forgotten about him, sorry Hanji."

"It's okay, we've had other things on our minds."

"But hey, at least he's still here, right?"

"Yeah… that's true… I just… ugh…"

"Come on, woman, spit it out."

"I want to crack it Robyn. I want to solve this ridiculous puzzle once and for all."

"I know Hanji," I tug her over, and hug her. "But we all have our demons to deal with, yours just so happens to be a fairly big bastard. Thanks to you we've learned an immense amount about our enemy. You might not have solved the puzzle, but you're doing a damn fine job of collecting the pieces."

"Thanks, kiddo." She says as she sits back again, and puts her glasses back in place, a smile breaking through thankfully. I smile back, and grab the bottles, shaking them and wiggling my eyebrows.

"See you in a few?"

"Sure thing, I'll just clean up a bit."

"Righto, and don't forget to de-ink your face while you're at it."

"Huh?"

But I just let the lab door close as I walk away with a grin. I wonder if she fell asleep on top of her notes. It wouldn't be the first time after all. I had straight for Erwin's office. I think he'll be willing to join us, but I don't know the man well enough yet to guarantee it. I head along the corridor and give a careful knock with a bottle end.

"Enter."

I stumble in, struggling to hold my many glass friends as I close the door carefully with my arse. It takes a minute or so, but eventually Erwin looks up from his paperwork, and takes a moment to consider my friends.

"Cadet, Sanshi."

"Commander." I say with a nod, setting the bottles down before sitting down in front of him with a careful but confident smile. His blue eyes are patient as I sit, legs crossed and continue to smile. Slowly he looks to the heavens, and lazily gestures to the bottles.

"What's this about?"

"May I speak plainly sir?"

"You very rarely don't, Cadet. However I appreciate the gesture of asking. Continue."

"You need a drink."

"Perhaps that is too plainly?"

"Sir, we have three days till our next big adventure hits. So I thought you could join I, and the rest of the team, in some harmless frivolity?"

"I'm the Commanding officer of this regiment, Cadet. I can't just get drunk with my fellow officers, and subordinates."

"Why? Because it might make them not respect you as much?" He nods, and I snort. "Bullshit."

He's about to tell me off when I raise a hand.

"You gave permission for frankness! Look, there's nothing you could do to make that happen, and I'm fairly certain you know that, sir. You deserve to blow off a little steam as much as anyone, in fact you probably need it most."

I say this as I get up, and reach for a couple glasses from his cabinet. They sit next to a brown liquid, but I sense it's a fine vintage and so simply pour a couple measures from one of Hanji's brew. I hold out a glass to my Commander. After a pause, he takes it, and watches me as I raise my glass to him. There's another long pause of hesitation before he sighs, and clinks his glass to mine.

"To being human." I say, and down my glass. He again pauses at my words, eyes tightening a little before he smiles, and throws the fire down his throat. "So may I go collect the rabble?"

"Collect away, Cadet. Your powers of persuasion are impressive."

"Not really sir, I think you just wanted an excuse." I say with a wink before heading for the mess hall and gathering the rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunken times ahoy!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, if you did, let me know!
> 
> See you next time, thanks for reading.


	19. Shadows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again reader!
> 
> I hope you enjoy; please review etc. I really do appreciate it, even if its as small as a 'hey you're still writing this thing? Cool.'
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Attack On Titan.

"Collect away, Cadet. Your powers of persuasion are impressive."

"Not really sir, I think you just wanted an excuse." I say with a wink before heading for the mess hall and gathering the rest.

They're all there except for Levi who has wandered back to his room till we've decided what's going on. I send the others along to the Commander's office, they're a little nervous, but when Hanji appears they're happy to go along with her. I give a thumbs up when Hanji looks at me, and gestures to her face. Yes, you got the ink off woman. I wondered if she even had a mirror in that lab of hers.

I head along to my, and Levi's room, and smile as the door comes into view. It had been too long since I'd gone in here. What with his work-load I'd been sleeping in my own quarters. It felt good to take hold of the handle, and push. No need to knock, it was a habit now not to bother. I hear a hiss as he's caught unawares, and he turns with a snarl. What the hell had got into him? I frown, and approach him as his expression clears to simple annoyance.

"You okay there?" I half laugh as I reach out and touch his shoulder, he shudders a little and I frown again. "Hey, seriously, you all right?"

"Yeah… just a little tense." He says, his expression back to its usual calmly blank self. But there's something bubbling under the surface. I feel it as he watches me, seeming to be waiting for me to do something.

"Tense?"

"You haven't been here for fucking ages." He growls, stepping closer to me. I sigh, and roll my eyes, he was just horny. Fucking hell, my heart thankfully calms down a little as I stop my mind whirring away to other conclusions. His arms wind round my waist, and I chuckle as he kisses along my neck.

"You've been so busy, I didn't think—"

"That I wanted you here? You've got be fucking kidding me." He growls as he nips under my jaw. I bite my lip a little, feeling my own frustrations bubble to the surface. But I'd already made plans with the team, we couldn't just stay here all night. Despite how tempting the sheets looked, especially when he begins to kiss along my collar bone, and then nibbles his way back up my throat. God damn. His hands are all over me, and I quiver a little.

"L-Levi…" I grit my teeth when the stutter comes out of me, I'd not meant that. Dammit. He looks at me with a smirk, and moves his hands to start unbuttoning my shirt. I grab his hands, and hold his gaze, a flicker of anger appearing in his stormy eyes. "Levi, come on, we're meant to be having a night with the team."

"Fuck the team."

"You can't be that horny." I say stepping back, he rolls his eyes at my joke but just runs a hand through his hair, and gives an unenthusiastic nod.

"It'll be fun." I say, going back over to put my hands on his face, and carefully kiss him.

"Fine, did Erwin agree?"

"He did, in fact he already had a drink with me." I laugh, and Levi doesn't look like he believes me. I just shrug. "Felt like having a personal moment with the man, I know he's important to you, so I wanted to get a little bit of a relationship with him myself."

"Really?" He watches my lips a little hungrily.

"Well yeah… why was I wrong?"

"No, no you weren't." He says, a smile still tugging at his mouth. "That's why you wanted to include him isn't it?"

"Partially." I shrug, and head for the door, "I also know how frustrating it must be to have to always hang out with people a good few years younger than yourself. An old man like you needs some company his own age—" He silences me with his lips, pinning me to the door.

"This old man is getting pretty tired of your shit, Cadet. Any more of that talk, and I'll put you over my knee, and teach you a damned good lesson."

"Promise?" I purr, and I notice his arms shake a little, I grin at his challenge and slowly run a hand along his strong jaw, down his muscular front and slowly trace his trousers where they strain against his frustrations. "Don't worry old man, we can have plenty fun together later. As long as you don't get too worn out. I know it's harder to hold your drink as the years wear on."

"You're just begging for trouble."

"Oh, my dear Captain…" I lean up and kiss him passionately, feeling his moans echo into my mouth as I share the taste of my shot of liquor. But before he can get his hands on me, I break away, and head out the door, looking him up and down slowly, licking my lips as I do. "I am trouble, surely you know that by now?"

"Shit…" he pants, and I chuckle darkly.

Never bring a knife to a gun fight captain, you amateur.

"Maybe give yourself a minute before heading through? Don't want anyone seeing how desperate you are now, do we?"

And with that I close the door. My whole body buzzing with the thrill. It was amazing really, to know that a man such as that was so desperate for me. Me? I close my eyes, and give a little skip. A lot less dignified or sexy than I was previously attempting to be, but sod it, I was a giddy little girl all of a sudden. As Erwin's office comes into view, I sort myself to make sure I'm presentable and head in.

Drinks are poured, and the chatter begins. As the drink is drank everyone begins to unwind, and soon enough Erwin is chatting away freely, laughing and joking with Hanji about old times. They make a toast once Levi has entered, considerably calmer than he was. We all raise our glasses, and remember those who had fallen. My shadows peek out at the edges of the room, but the atmosphere remains jovial.

I'm handing out a few more measures, and when I head to my seat Levi tugs me down onto his lap. I can't fight the blush in my current state of inebriation, but no one seems to mind. In fact both Erwin and Hanji are beaming. I sit back, and lay my head on his shoulder, he kisses my cheek and I sip my drink. The warm feeling has been draped over us all, and I swim in the noise. The shadows sulk away.

And then someone mentions the upcoming mission, and I tense a little. My little thoughts from the original conversation are bubbling to the surface, and I groan as I know they'll escape.

God damn it woman just shut up for once? Please? They would have eventually come out, I knew this, but now they'd be in front of everyone, and potentially slurred. I hadn't said much for the past three measures. Would my tongue want to work? I glance at Levi, and wonder if I should check with him first, but then as I think about the potentially deep kiss I shake away the thought.

"What's up Robyn?" asks Eren after my groan that I apparently made louder than I intended. I sit up with a jolt, but Levi winds his arms round my waist so I can't escape. Clingy bugger. I smile at Eren, and my eyes shift nervously towards the Commander, who is, of course, glancing my way. He frowns at my expression. He knows something's up. Dammit.

"Cadet, Sanshi? Is something wrong?"

"Um… sir?"

"Yes… what is it?"

"Well…" I blush, and look to the ground, shit I was really going to have to say this wasn't I?

"Cadet Sanshi please, what's the problem?" He laughs, raising a brow and I groan again.

"That plan for collecting information in the city? It's going to get us nowhere and make the whole expedition pointless." I blurt it out, and put my hands over my face. I can feel Levi shaking before he lets the laughter out, catching the group off guard with the alien noise.

"No, no Robyn, tell him what you really think."

Levi continues to chuckle as I peek through my fingers, and everyone is staring at me, occasionally glancing at the Commander who is smirking. A lot. Okay so he wasn't annoyed, I don't think, I hate that I can't read that man very well. The room's swimming a little, this was so not the time for this.

"Oh? And what would your recommendation be?" Erwin asks, swirling his drink.

"Really?"

"Well don't call my plan pointless, and not have a back-up. I assume you do?"

"Of sorts…" I nod.

"Then let's hear it cadet, don't worry I'm not going to get mad." He drains his glass, and pours himself another. "You've seen to that by providing me copious amounts of alcohol. Go for it. Amaze me."

There's a certain amount of challenge in his voice. I feel nervous, and am suddenly very glad Levi is holding onto me so tightly.

"Well… instead of wasting time trying to get information at the main banquet, you'd be a lot better off going to the after party, sir."

He stares at me with a blank face. In fact everyone does.

"What do you mean, Sanshi?"

"I mean… well no one is going to be talking freely at the main banquet. That's all for show right? So… we should… we should go to the places where all the honourable gentlemen of their hierarchy sidle off to once their wives have gotten too drunk and been poured back home."

"I don't get it." I could have kissed Eren he looked so adorably confused. The Commander also looked like he wanted some clarification, to ensure he was on the same wave-length. I drain my glass and clear my throat.

"The small little dark rooms where only money matters? Where ladies of the night entertain the gents for the right price?"

"A whore house." States Mikasa without flinching. I wince back a little, poor Keza, and give a small nod.

"That's where secrets are spilled sir, there guards will be lowered and information will come spilling out, if you know where to ask. And I know where to ask." I explain, and watch the faces around me turn to amazement.

Erwin is stroking his chin, considering what I'm saying carefully. I look over my shoulder to Levi but he's just staring at me blankly. God damn it, I knew I was right. There was little to no point in attending the fancy do, no one spoke openly when trying to get cash out of other people. But when along in a dark room, with heavy liquor and pretty girls, men tended to let their tongues wag a bit more.

"Are you suggesting Captain Levi, and I go to such an establishment with these men?"

"Well I'm not suggesting you pretend to work there... sir..."

"Then what are you suggesting, I consider such places beneath our positions."

"Well... After convincing them you're actually wanting to go, yes, go with them. Otherwise they'll know you're just trying to snoop around. Keep in mind that at least one of those men ordered that covert mission, so they'll be on high alert with you in such close proximity."

"And how do you suggest we convince them?" Asks Levi, removing his arms from my waist, and folding them over his chest. He clearly didn't like where this was going. I nod to his glass.

"Pretend to get drunk, and listen for some kind of hint that they're heading out to their favourite den of sin, then sidle over and ask if you can join. Spout some rubbish about needing to relieve some tension. Maybe even mention the covert mission, say you had an unexpected visiting party or something. Then you get there, and continue to pretend to get drunk, whilst your marks actually do get drunk, then you nudge the information out."

I list all this off with a wave of my hand. It suddenly becoming so clear to me, and thankfully not a single word is slurred. Surely everyone knew how to do this? But the other Cadets are looking at me with fascinated looks. They couldn't be this naive. It wasn't possible. I knew I was a couple years older than them but… really?

"Mark?" repeats Erwin, swirling his drink again as he considers my plan.

"Target... person of interest..."

"Why is it your head works like this?" snorts Jean, sitting back in his chair with his hands behind his head. Although I do spot the blush. I give a shrug, and smile a little wickedly.

"Secrets are pricey things to lose Jean. And I'm naturally devious."

The wheels are turning in the Commander's head, and I wait for the questions to begin. I still half wished I'd kept mouth shut. But if we were going to travel all the damned way into the inner circle, I wanted it to yield more than a hangover, and bad taste from too much ass kissing.

Levi shifts me up so he can go, and lean against the wall behind Erwin's desk. He clearly wants to get this totally straight in his mind. As the silence draws on I realise they're both just waiting for me to continue. They all are. I sit back and cross my legs.

"When my friend Keza first went into prostitution, when we turned sixteen, she tried to get me to go along with it, I wasn't game though." I shudder. "Ew. But I used the place she worked for my own means."

"Collecting secrets." Translated the Commander, hands clasped under his chin. I nod.

"I'd hand out the drinks, and listen to the slurred conversations. Then used those secrets for blackmail, either for action or money."

"Clever." Quips Levi but he frowns a little. "How did you get the job without having to the other work like the other girls? If you don't mind me asking, Cadet."

"Cadet? No Levi, I wasn't a full-fledged prostitute at any point." I meet his gaze, and smirk at his thinly veiled question. No one else would notice it, but I see that blush. "The owner owed me a favour or two, so they just made the clients think I was an elite girl."

"Elite girl?" Mikasa repeats quietly, I suddenly realise how close to nerves this must be for her. I give her an apologetic look, but she just gives a small smile.

"One basically owned by someone very important, so has to be available at a moment's notice. Therefore, not available to the normal punters. So I'd just go around with this tray, clearing and serving, all the while picking up tid-bits of information and secrets by the shed-load. But that isn't really what's important, what is, is whether we can use this or not."

"I don't suppose you know a club owner in the inner city?" snorts the Commander, thinking he has seen a hole in my plan. I just lean forward, and tilt my head at his misunderstanding.

"Where do you think I was working before?"

"You lived in the inner city?" The Commander looks amazed, and I just shrug.

"I worked there yeah, scurried in with some supplies and worked the richies for all their worth. But then it got trickier to go unnoticed by the snobs, so I up and ran to the army when I got sick of scurrying like a rat."

"So you think you'll be able to get something set up for our visit?"

"Probably, if I head there straight away when we get into the city, I can do that whilst looking for Keza. Kinda how I thought of this in the first place… but yeah, I can see what I can do. Then we can get in, and ready to go."

"Get who in?" Levi asks, watching me carefully. I meet his gaze, and hold it firmly. He wasn't going to talk me out of this, a plan had already formed, and I was damned if I was going to let it go. It was a good plan. I knew it. I could make a difference.

"Look, if you and the Commander go in and do some fishing, I and… I dunno… Jean, can go around with trays. I can get him the elite facade easy."

"Horseface?" scoffs Levi, "An elite? C'mon—"

"Bestiality is a thing Captain." I drawl, and we all have a small laugh, whilst poor Jean sits with his jaw on the floor. "But joking aside, it's the best option. Eren can't go in, everyone knows what he looks like. And we can't take Mikasa. She can look after Eren at our quarters. Her Oriental heritage is famous along with her fighting style. So she isn't an option. But no one really knows about me or Jean. We're anonymous."

"You're hardly that anymore, Cadet Sanshi." The Commander is shaking his head. I can tell he isn't happy, but I know this is far more likely to get us somewhere with finding out who that covert team belongs to.

"Yeah but they don't know what I look like, they know there's a nutty Cadet called Sanshi with a temper issue, but they don't know what I look like. Plus I know what I'm doing in this situation, if I don't go we risk it all being for bugger all."

"The covert team will know what you look like, and potentially the shifter, whoever they are."

"I can get a disguise, I'll wear a wig. Plus the heavy make-up will make me practically unrecognisable. They hardly want natural beauty under the harsh lights in these kind of places."

"It might work..." I can see the Commander sees the potential of this plan. He was too clever not to.

"So, you want to go for this?"

"But you're only serving drinks?" says Levi, his knuckles are white as his arms are folded tightly across his chest. I internalise another groan. This was ridiculous.

"No I thought I'd jump on someone's lap, and grind the information out of them."

I keep my gaze steady as he glares. The room has gotten very awkward, very quickly. And the Commander is suddenly very fascinated by his own hands on the desk-top. The simple fact was Levi was underestimating me, and I was sorely tempted to further torment his frustrations right there and then. I could play the part. I'd done it before, and although I'd hoped never having to do so again, I was willing to do it for the mission. It was because of me, that team had come here and hurt us. So I had to make up for that.

"Yes, I'll just be carrying a tray and listening intently. No one will touch me, and if they do, the elite girls, and guys, have permission to throw punters out. It's completely safe."

"I doubt that."

"Look, we can organise it that I'm your elite girl if you really need the security? In fact…" I look to the bottom of my glass, and then look back up with a grin, everyone shrinks back a little. "That may actually help the plan. These men are going to take some serious convincing that you two aren't just eavesdropping."

"I don't think I like where this is going…" groaned Erwin draining his glass.

"You don't have to. I won't be dancing on your lap Commander." He chokes on his drink a little. "You pretend to pass out from drink, people never know how to read Levi anyway, so him asking questions, nonchalantly, whilst being entertained by his elite girl. Who will also be distracting the men in question? We may actually learn something useful."

"Does this only make sense to me?" wondered Jean looking into his lap with a bright blush. A couple other heads are nodding, they know this'll work. But then Jean just looks at me with panic. "Why is it I'm involved?"

"I didn't fancy going in alone. Plus it's not uncommon for male elites to serve at the bar."

"B-but I dunno how—"

"Can you carry a tray?"

"Y-yes?"

"Then just act aloof and ignore them, hand a drink and walk off. If anyone talks to you, just be your usual prickish self, and make some snarky comment about them being below your pay grade. Simple."

"And that's it?"

"Well, unless you're feeling very adventurous yeah…" I laugh and he sits back, looking a little happier, but still scared. He'd be fine.

"So… you'd be…" Levi looks around the room a little nervously. Quickly putting his face back to its usual stoic blankness before anyone else noticed. I get up and go to him, smiling gently, watching the pink on his cheeks deepen a little.

"I'll be all yours. Entirely under your protection. Happy?"

"Not really, but it's a start." He mutters, winding his arms round my waist and laying his forehead to mine. I kiss his nose before turning in his hold, and waiting for the Commander to give his opinion. I'd said my piece, all he had to do was decide if he actually wanted to accomplish something during his mission.

"Right. It's mad, but befitting its creator. If you think this'll actually gain us some useful intel then I see no reason to oppose this."

"Goody!" I cheer a little too loudly, my inebriation showing. Laughter takes back the room and I turn to Levi who had his head on my shoulder. As the conversation picks up behind us, I feel like we enter our own little bubble out-with their attention.

"You really think this'll work?" He murmurs, eyes closed.

"I hardly want to go back into that place for the sheer fun of it, Levi."

"I know… what else don't I know about you?"

"Probably as much as I don't know about you." I say tapping his forehead. He looks at me with uncertain eyes, regret swimming there as his past holds him back. I put my hands on his chest, and nuzzle into the crook of his neck. "Our pasts may have created us, but that doesn't mean we have to constantly refer to them. I'm with you now. You're with me now. That's what we should be focusing on. I know there's things in your past I don't understand, but I'll learn as I go. You're just doing the same with me."

"How is it you're so level headed about these things?"

"Level headed is not a name I've been called often." I snigger, kissing his cheek before hopping out of his hold, and going to the Commander. I kneel by his seat, and he looks down at me with a smirk.

"Cadet Sanshi?"

"Thank you Commander."

"For…?"

"For trusting me." I say before heading back to my seat with Levi close behind, we take up our previous sitting position. The Commander watches us, and raises his glass to us, we return to gesture and the evening rumbles on as before.

I consider the honour of having my plan taken so seriously be Erwin. To be fair, the dawn may come and he changes his mind. Hangover's had a funny way of making one regret the decisions from the night before. But right now, it had been accepted as viable. It was a major deal. Like him thinking I could handle another team... shit… it was just like that. I shiver. Was I leading everyone to disaster? Shit. I hadn't even considered the fact that this would be me, practically leading people again. Not properly, it was only my plan. But it was very close. Very close.

I blink, and suddenly the room is filled with corpses. Death stares me down, and I shudder in his presence once again. Ghosts cackle in my ears as I blink in the horror. Erwin is lying over his desk, head hanging precariously detached from his shoulders, swinging slightly as blood pools over the table. Hanji stares through smashed glasses, blood dripping from her mouth, glass occasionally splintering down with soft chimes. Jean, and Connie are cut clean in half, their eyes white, having rolled back in their anguished screams. Eren stares at me blankly, green eyes glazed as he reaches out to me, hand frozen mid-air as the drying blood congeals on his shirt, oozing from his torn gut. Mikasa holds Eren's other hand, her jaw ripped off.

Levi.

I gag.

He stares up at me; chest ripped open, ribs like an open casket, and I watch his heart gutter to a splattering halt.

Holy shit, I was going to kill them all.

I shake my head, and turn to Levi, needing escape but unable to move. I need to run. I need to get as far away from the vision as I can. But my legs won't work. He smirks, still listening to the conversation, but it fades as he notices my fear. I look at him pleadingly with shining eyes. I don't know what to do. Do I scream now? Do I beg for Erwin to take back the lead? To go with his own pointless plan? Mine would potentially get us information, but it was my plan, it could only end badly. Levi now frowns, his arms tightening round my waist.

"What is it?" He murmurs. I lean in and whisper a little hoarsely.

"What if I fuck this up? What if the plan goes to shit? What if I get them... you... killed? We should change it back, I can't—" he kisses me firmly before my rambling becomes audible to anyone else. No one notices. I'm trembling, and he just holds tighter. I feel the little pieces of me begin to sink back into each other, forced into place by his sheer willpower.

"Keep it together, Sanshi."

"Yes, s-sir."

"You never killed your team. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"This is your strange drunk mind talking."

"Yes, sir."

"Enjoy yourself tonight?"

"Yes, Levi." I breathe as he puts his forehead to mine. His eyes search my face, waiting patiently as my panic ebbs away. I still wasn't sure about this plan, the image of them all dead keeps flashing before my eyes. But he just holds me. He knows what I'm scared of, so he knows what I see. And he still holds me. My heart swells a little as I consider his faith in me. He really thought this could work. Of course he did. It didn't matter what our relationship was, he wouldn't risk anyone here, anyone in the regiment, on a plan he didn't believe would work. He had faith in me. He believed in my plan. Perhaps death wouldn't win? The panic leaves me as quick as it came. I sigh and kiss him softly.

"Welcome back." He mutters, reaching over and taking a long sip of his drink, before raising it to my lips, and pouring some in. I close my eyes and focus on the fiery liquid. It dulls the panic down till it's merely an echo in my mind. My busy, and scattered mind that slows a little as I drink down the medicine.

The shadows wait.

 

*****

 

As the small hours take over we all disperse, and head for our rooms. We creep along, taking note of the snoring, and occasional giggle coming from the rookie's doors. Some were asleep, others had better things to be doing. As our door came into view Levi suddenly walked a lot closer to me, and I grin a little as I remember where the remainder of the evening would likely go. His desperation was probably at its peak now. I keep looking ahead but begin to undo my shirt, biting my lip and undoing my hair with the other hand. There's a small grunt, and suddenly I'm off my feet, cradled in his arms, and being charged through the door. He kicks it closed, drops me and takes a firm hold of my chin. I'm still grinning.

"Can we get on with the real fun now?" He mutters, leaning in with a slight snarl.

"Personally I had plenty fun through there. Didn't you?"

"Not a lot."

"Liar."

"Mostly I tried not to drag you back through here."

"Even when we were discussing the plan? Tut tut captain, you really should pay more attention." I laugh, regretting mentioning the plan as the shadows flicker. He lets go of my chin, and runs his finger along my bottom lip. I feel myself quiver a little. This was sweet, but right now I needed the fire. At this time of night the shadows were long and deep, they knew my secrets and they knew where I kept my skeletons. I needed the fire, the blazing light. But his faces looks so sad I find my impatience dimmed by concern. The shadows loom.

"I want you safe Robyn."

"W-what?"

"It's idiotic considering our job but... when we're inside the walls is it so much to ask?"

"The plan really bothers you that much?"

I can't keep all the disappointment out of my voice, I really thought he'd believed in the plan. He seemed so sure when fighting off my panic earlier. Or was that to just stop me freaking out in front of everyone? The shadows sneer.

He sighs, and goes to sit on his desk, looking at the floor as he searches for the right words. I feel my hands twitch, wanting to reach out, and grab him, beg him to fend them off. Help me. But I stay quiet. I can't let him know this is still the case; that I'm still this damned fragile after my team. Shit. The shadows practically cheer as I throw gas onto their dark flames. My mind warps, and they swirl around, suffocating me. I choke out the words, simply hoping to attract his attention. To get the fire going again before there was too little air for a spark.

"I can do this, Levi."

"It's me I'm worried about." He clicks his tongue. But he still hasn't looked at me, he's oblivious to my crumbling self. I try and focus on what he's saying, on his voice, it helped a little. "Those animals will have their eyes all over you, if they're allowed or not. I can't guarantee I won't lose it."

I breathe a little easier. He doesn't doubt my plan. And yet, panic continues to rattle the door to my mind. I focus on this reassurance, and drag my feet towards him. Shivers are running up, and down my spine but I hold them at bay from surfacing.

"I'll be acting as your girl, you have the authority to berate them. I wouldn't suggest it as you're trying to befriend these men… but you can if you want." I assure him, sitting on the desk before lying back, head hanging off the edge towards his chair. I can't sit with him or he'll notice the shivering. But I need to be nearer to stop the shivering. Damn it woman get a grip. His fingers walk along my stomach before dragging gently over my throat. I shiver a little harder, but he'll think it's for a different reason.

Partly it is.

Partly it isn't.

"You know..." his voice trails off and I groan, I need that noise in my ears. Keep talking you ninja man. I need your help, but fuck it if my pride will let me admit that. I can't let you doubt me now. You don't need some snivelling wreck. You need someone strong, and capable. I'm sure I used t be that…

"What's on your mind, Levi?" I'm amazed at how steady my voice is.

"I wouldn't be angry if you had done… that work. I'd understand."

"You think I lied?"

"Not so much lied… more… withheld your past from the group. But I'd rather you told me."

"I was offered a lot of money plenty times, but no, never. I promise. Not intentionally anyway."

"What does that mean?" He lifts my head, and sits down in his chair, resting my head in his lap, as he gently strokes my hair. I sigh and sit up, cross my legs and turn to face him. The shadows are leaning back a little, annoyed by this ongoing conversation. I look him straight in the eye, focusing on the pale grey as though it were golden sunshine. Memory lane was far from my favourite place, but it was better than the alternative darkness of the present.

He's frowning.

He can tell something's up, beyond this conversation.

"I thought it was a genuine thing, he left money on the dresser in the morning. But not a lot."

"How old were you?"

"Nosey tonight aren't we?" I laugh, a little too highly. I'm thrilled as his rumbling tones swamp my ears, but I can't seem too eager. I can't let him know. I can't let him doubt me. His frown deepens, and I clear my throat. "I was seventeen. I was young, stupid and apparently shite in bed. Hopefully that's changed...?"

I watch him look to the side, a smirk spreading over his lips.

Yes, start the fire Levi. Please.

"Come on, Levi, my self-esteem is hanging by a thread, justify my sexual nature." I tease, jumping up and away from him when he grabs for me. I think it still surprised him how fast I could be. I feel the warmth in my gut as he paces towards me, commanding, defiant, strong. Everything I need him to be right now.

"Brat, come back here."

"Or what old man?"

"Don't start that shit again..." He growls as we stand on opposite sides of the desk, me matching each step he takes. "You are in dire need of disciplining."

"Oh promise?" I laugh turning to run round the desk, but I stumble to a stop. I suddenly feel very cold. No. No, please, I was so close. I shiver, my drunken mind warping the world. The door to Levi's closet looms, slowly opening, and on each hanger hangs the corpses of the skeletons hidden in my past. I feel Levi shaking my shoulders but I'm stuck staring, wide eyed and unable to breathe. They're there, judging me.

How dare I think of a plan?

How dare I consider telling people what to do?

I only lead to death's door, I was practically his pimp.

"Robyn dammit, talk to me." I fall back into his arms, unable to run but unable to stand with those leering faces any longer. So much hate, and loathing. He carefully lays me on the bed, but I can't tear my eyes away from the corpses. Their heads slowly turn to me, flesh tearing and squelching as they do. They demand to know why it was I lived and they didn't. They demanded their answers silently, and relentlessly as they stare. Some had blood dribbling down, others had already begun to decay. It was a very full closet.

"Make them stop?"

"What? Who Robyn, what's goi—"

"They keep staring..." I whisper, he follows my gaze and goes to close the wardrobe without questions. I can still feel their eyes watching me, but the door helps. He comes back over, watching me closely, like someone watches a brandished knife. The shadows flicker around him, but they can't touch him. I meet his confused gaze, and give a completely unconvincing smile. "Thanks... they're being persistent tonight..."

He climbs into bed, kicking off his boots before tugging me over, hand stroking my hair, and lips kissing my forehead. He's so warm, and unjuddery. How the hell did he do it? He was a warm statue. It made no sense. I cling to his light, and hope the shadows get bored soon.

"I wish your head would leave you alone."

"Sorry." I just nuzzle into his chest, unable to admit the fact the faces had appeared in the ceiling above. Dripping blood down onto the bed as we lay there. His lips touch my head again, but this time in a hard line. He must be getting pretty bored of this shit. I knew I was.

"Please stop apologizing Robyn. You never need to, not for this. Can't I help at all?"

"You know you do in general, don't you?"

"I hope... but it's not much if they still make you freeze like that. It looks like you're right back there in the rain." His frustration is palpable, and I shift so my head rests on his shoulder, nose grazing his throats smooth skin. I want to let him help me, I want him to fend off every fear or ghost. I just don't know how. At least I don't know how to let him do that all the time. But I knew how to accomplish it temporarily.

"Then distract me." I breathe, and he winds an arm round me, his heartbeat picking up a little. My shivering returns with a vengeance, and I cling to the collar of his shirt as I press my lips to his throat. "Make me forget, Levi... Save me."

"Robyn..." He runs a hand down my spine. "You've never said that before."

"I'm saying it now." My voice shakes a little, but I can't hold it back anymore. "I need you."

"You have me."

He tilts my head up, and presses his lips to mine, slow at first, reassuring me, but soon the sparks begin. He holds the nape of my neck, lips becoming insistent before I climb on top of him, cupping his face as I open or mouths to deepen the kiss. Echoes bounce round my scattered mind, but I concentrate on the heat of his breath. They can't touch me when he does. But to scare off the shadows, the fire and its light had to be raging.

I grind against him, ripping his shirt open and clawing down his chest. He gasps but goes with it, flipping my body down into the mattress, making short work of my shirt, and bra. I wrap my legs tightly round him and he sits up, leaving marks the way he pulls down my back with his fingernails. I moan loudly, and he bites at my tongue as he undoes my belts, hands lingering between my legs and across my ass. I unhook my legs, and tug him to stand by the bed, our lips not parting till I've undone his trousers to quickly rip them off and wriggle out of my own.

In the next second I'm straddling him again, both of us completely exposed. The sensation of my skin against his is enthralling. He sits up, impatient to re-join our lips. He lifts me easily, and I gasp into a groan as he pushes me back down onto his hardness. I feel him fill me, and complete me. I throw my arms round his neck, and bite down hard on his shoulder, trying to muffle my voice as his hands guide me up and down. As the sensation becomes more normal, I take over, hungrily kissing him again as I rock my hips up and down, and swing them around too. Now he groans, suddenly grabbing my shoulders, and pulling me till he's in to the hilt. I put a hand over my mouth as I yelp, feeling the electricity short out inside me.

But I want more.

The shadows are falling back, we were winning.

I push him down till he's lying beneath me, we share another deep kiss as I push against the headboard, and I ride him into submission. I'm taken away by euphoria, leaning back and running my hands through my hair as my hips stoke the electric thrill.

"Yes... holy fuck, Robyn... nngh...ugh... unbelievable... brat." He pants, gripping my hips and pulling himself deeper inside as he sits up again. I smile drunkenly at him, my hands now on his chest as we share into each other.

Then I feel my hand slip.

I look, and flinch as blood gushes from it, plastering over Levi's porcelain skin. No, please not now. He sees me staring at my hand, and reacts instantly. His hands release my hips to cradle me as he gets up to lay me down on the bed. He pushes the hair from my face, and gently strokes my cheek.

"Hey, look at me." But I'm transfixed, how can he stand it? There's a bloody handprint left on his chest. It's disgusting. It's filthy. "Robyn, look at me. It's not real, there is no blood."

"There's always blood." I gasp, clamping a hand over my mouth. Why did I say that? I feel the blood ooze over my face, and in between my lips as they gasp for air.

"Look at me. Please Robyn." He whispers, stroking my face gently, before kissing me firmly. I focus on the contact. The warmth, the light. I feel myself relax a little, breathing a little easier. He kisses down my jaw, and lingers at the base of my throat. "Stay here, stay with me. Leave the past where it belongs. Stay with me."

"Yes, Levi." I breathe, and feel him gently begin to move again, he murmurs my name as he kisses across my chest and up my neck. My hand feels dry, I chance a peek and find the blood receding. It's drying up in the heat of him. I kiss him deeply, running my clean hands through his raven hair. He pulls away gently, and looks at me with an anxious gaze. "Thank you."

"Anything." He breathes, seeing the panic has left me. He takes my hand and kisses it, pausing and frowning a little. "I love you."

"Thankfully..." I laugh, eyes rolling back as he hits the spot that turns me to a jibbering idiot. He chuckles, and kisses me as he quickens his delicious pace. White flashes across my vision as my back arches.

"Levi... my Levi... Yes..." I gasp, lazily kissing his neck as he thrusts his final few till he is also left panting. The ghosts can't touch me, the terror can't affect me, and once more he saves me from myself. He moves to the side, and I curl myself around him, dragging my teeth across his chest a little.

"My Levi."

"Always." He breathes, wiping sweat from his brow.

"Always." I repeat, running a hand across his cheek reassuringly as he searches my face for any remaining fear. When he finds none, a small smile appears, before he lays back, and I watch sleep take him. Damn he was beautiful. Damn... He was mine? I don't dare close my eyes. That's where the shadows were waiting. I wait till his breathing is slow and deep, and I run a hand over his jaw. His eyebrows twitch, but otherwise remain still. I edge closer still, legs hooking round his till I can only hear his heartbeat. I stare up, and watch him sleep.

I was becoming very creepy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mission begins next time... what could go wrong?
> 
> See you next time, thanks again for reading! Hope it's still interesting?


	20. Ketherina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there!
> 
> Och I'm so excited for this bit, I mentioned the beginning of a story arc, and this is where is really begins to kick off. I'm just so excited to share this bit with you guys! Hope you enjoy it! I certainly enjoyed writing it! Let me know what you think, and maybe what you think it's going to lead to.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

By the time we reach the inner city I haven't slept for two days.

Only Levi knows this, but I think Eren suspects. I've tried, I really have; but my head just won't quit. The images flash right into place, as soon as I let my eyelids droop. And as soon as they do, I feel instantly energised; and its entirely fuelled by fear. I really wish this wasn't the case, I wish Levi was able to chase the visions away completely, I know it pains him to know he can't. But as we sit in the carriage, taking our shift for rest, I just stare out the window, not able to meet his eye. He feels like he's failing by not saving me from these visions, and yet I feel like I'm failing him, for causing his guilt. What a fucking mess.

When we finally enter the Capital city, I head straight to the club, practically jumping out the carriage still in motion. I barely even say goodbye. I just need to keep moving, to keep this plan forming properly. As a group, we will still attend the evening banquet; however I only recently learned that I'd also be attending. This seemed like a terrible idea; firstly, me in a fancy situation just sent all kinds of alarm bells ringing, and secondly me being around fancy people sent even more off into incessant clanging. This could only end with my foot firmly wedged into my mouth. Levi kept assuring me I'd do fine, but I knew he hated these things; and so I highly suspect he is secretly hoping I'll cause a calamity, just to piss off the fancy buggers. It was good to have his support, but it was frustrating to know the reason why. Erwin claimed, our attendance would portray our disregard for their threats.

Personally I just thought of it as an unnecessary risk. Then again, Levi seemed happier to have me in his sights as much as possible. I didn't mention his small smile that flickered in and out of sight when Erwin explained this. He was happy, and I wouldn't berate him unless he gloated. If he did that, I'd happily slap him. Of course at that point, I had to mention my lacking ball gown attire. I owned nothing much beyond civvy trousers and shirts. Hardly chic. However Hanji assured me she'd acquired me one at the boutique she used on such occasions. Having written ahead as soon as the plan was formed. This made me nervous. I had no idea the kind of dresses Hanji wore. I'd only ever seen her in her uniform. Was she a slutty dresser? Or a total prude? Somewhere in between would be nice, and I focus on this as I ignore the little shadows flickering round me. Haunting me as I consider how this could all go wrong.

I am surprised at how well my feet remember the route to the club, and I begin to jog as a light rain starts to fall. I feel like a teenager again as I slip through the dark wooden doorway, and into the gloomy room, only lit by pink shaded lanterns. I shiver as the stage comes into view. Ugh, this was not a place I'd ever thought I'd be coming back to. But I was here for a good(ish) reason. I head straight for the bar, the barman doesn't even look up. Instead, he waves his hand, and sighs heavily. Cigarette smoke smothers me.

"Auditions aren't till next—"

"Where's Kilan?"

"Like I said love, auditions are—"

"Did I ask about auditions?" I snap, and wait for the prick to look up. Slowly he does so, and tries to be non-chalant as his eyes scan me, and flash a little. Ugh, I hated this place. I wait as he straightens up, and runs a hand through his greasy hair, oh please don't. Please?

"Why would you not be auditioning? Gorgeous girl like you would make a mint here."

"Listen you cretinous wanker, where is Kilan?"

"Um…"

"If I have to ask again, I'll be shoving that cigarette up your nose, and those cocktail sticks somewhere else. Trust me, you don't want splinters down there." I wait, and he clears his throat, a blush rising to his cheeks as he scratches the back of his head. I roll my eyes and sigh. "He knows me, I'm an old friend. Either show me to his office, or get his lazy ass down here. Either or. And while you're making up your damned mind, pass me that bottle of drink, and the cleanest glass available."

He does as told, and scuttles away.

Good boy.

Kilan was always here, he practically lived here after his wife went nuts, and fucked the baker. He was a lonely soul, but he had always looked after the girls. I pour a full glass, and chug the brown poison down. It dulls me a little. That was better. The shadows continue to flicker, but this little buzz kept my nerves from singing. This would be a long night. I stare round at the unchanged room; remembering how it seemed, walking in here, arm in arm with Keza. It was such an odd situation. I immediately distrusted Kilan; he seemed too sincere for someone in his profession. It took a long time before I stopped reaching for weapons when he entered a room. But really he was a good man, just trying to make some money, as well as look after his girls. No one got into trouble here. No customer went over the line more than once; and if they did they wished they hadn't. Some wished they'd been born women by the time Kilan was done with them. In fact, they almost were by the time Kilan was done with them. As I refill my glass I hear a disbelieving chuckle, and hear another glass hitting the counter.

"Hey Kilan, been a long time."

"You sexy bitch come here." He throws his big arms round me, and hauls me up from the stool with a squeeze, I return the hug. "You are a face for tired eyes. What you doing here? Hope this idiot didn't give you too much grief."

"Pfft, like I couldn't handle him." I wink at the barman who is busying himself by smearing grease over the bar. That thing would never be clean. "I'm here to ask a rather odd, but a very important favour Kilan."

"As well as drinking all my booze?"

"I figured you wouldn't mind that much."

"You figure right. Come on then, spill."

I go through it all, and he looks enthralled. Keeps nodding the whole way through. I have the funny feeling that he's willing to help. Though his expression darkens when I explain why we were needing to get this information, and he looks even less happy when I explain that I'll be acting as Levi's girl.

"I don't like that guy."

"You ever even met the man, Kilan?"

"Nah, but I hear he's a real brute. A proper little thug."

"You know better than most, Kilan, rumours are 99.9% bullshit. He's tough but he wants to keep me safe. He's… invested."

"Invested? Bitch you better not be with that guy. He's dangerous. I've seen him in the parades. Never even blinks. Looks like a psycho."

"Kilan, Honey? Keep in mind that you're currently conversing with a mentally unhinged person. I know crazy, I suit crazy, and I suit him… he suits me pretty well too." I feel myself blush, only then does Kilan's face soften. I don't think he's ever seen me blush. I shrug, and give him a kiss on the cheek. "So we clear on the plan? And you're happy to help?"

"More than happy. I'll put the word out to my counterparts around the city too, in case the 'gentlemen' don't fancy the suggestion of here. This is the main calling point for those animals, however they do occasionally like variety."

"You're a star as always Kilan. Oh, and while I'm here…"

"I ain't heard from Keza in a while love, I think she's doing pretty good in classier circles. Keeps an eye out for the other girls, as always, but she ain't been here in a good few moons."

"Thought I'd ask anyway. Any chance you could do some digging?" I ask, and he smiles, shaking his head at me in that way I used to loathe. I'm not keen on it now, but I see the affection there more than the patronisation.

"For you m'dear? I'll dig to the other side of the world."

"Oh don't do that, you'll let the foreign Titans in. The local ones are bad enough…" I sigh, and kiss his cheek. He went a little pale at my mentioning of the beasts, and I kind of do a double-take. It seemed so odd to have a person react like that; in the regiment they were such a part of the job by now, that reaction was rare. Unless with rookies. But of course here in the capital… Kilan had never even seen a Titan. He was an escapee of the Underground; just like Levi.

"You really fight those things huh, love?"

"I do Kilan, and I kick their mega-tonne asses. Don't you worry, I'll keep ya safe."

"If there's anyone I'd trust to do that? It'd be you, ya crazy wench. Now get going, or you'll no be fit for your fancy-to-do."

"Yes, sir. I'll see you tonight."

I enter my room at the palace like building; the amount of splendour makes me go wide eyed both in amazement, and disgust. People were starving, and there were silk sheets on my bed, with small chocolates on the pillow. The people in the Capital, really had no fucking clue. But then again, this wasn't my mission, one problem at a time Sanshi.

I lock the door, and approach the rather large looking package on top of the blankets. But before I go near it, I seek refuge from my nerves in the hot torrent of a shower. Calm down, just keep it together Sanshi. It was dinner. That was all. And yet for some reason; whilst I dry my hair, and approach that lush box, my gut does somersaults.

Give me a bloodied Titan battle-field any day.

Please.

As I readied myself, slipping the gown on, and fixed my hair. I felt all the splendour, and luxury; but beyond that I felt something sour. Everyone was watching, everyone was waiting. Schemes were being hatched, creeping around the place on slimed bellies. I shudder, and take a calming breath. This was not the time to start being dark in my thoughts. I had to be on my best behaviour for this evening. Not that it was going to help that Erwin had suggested me, and Levi remain close. They all knew about us already, but Erwin said it would and it would only further the conviction of our plan if we were seen as a couple at the evening. They'd think Levi was an absolute bastard. If they already didn't.

Once I'm satisfied I won't simply be laughed out the damn ballroom, I leave my room, and head down the hall. I was only running five minutes late but I knew Levi wouldn't be pleased. I tug at the dark blue silk that is draped over my frame, it's a long gown with simplistic detailing in silver jewels. Little clusters sit at the middle of my apparent, though dignified, cleavage, and at the base of my spine where the material gathers before falling into the slender skirting. No sleeves. It was beautiful, but it didn't half leave my scars out in the open to scare the living daylights out of the fancy-to-dos. I wonder if that was what Hanji planned. I hoped nothing kicked off at the party, or this could easily end up with me running along, clinging to my boobs to avoid their untimely escape. But it shouldn't. I fluff up my hair a little; it falls loose in its unruly waves to halfway down my back. At this point I'm torn; gut-wrenching anxiety over potentially my plan getting everyone killed, or nauseating nervousness that I'd make a fool of the regiment, myself, and Levi because of my lacking fancy social skills. I choose the latter; it seemed less likely to lead to a mental breakdown during dessert.

These were refined people.

I was far from that.

Yet as I turn the corner, and begin to descend the ridiculously lavish staircase, I see Levi waiting at the bottom. Suddenly, and admittedly only momentarily, my nervousness is replaced by warm comfort.

He stands, leant against the wall, casting his emotionless gaze across the lobby. Though I detect distaste. He wears a fine suit, black with a grey silk shirt, and black cravat. If he looked good in his uniform, he looked amazing now. I feel myself choke a little, feeling very underwhelming all of a sudden. I was going to look like his pet. I hold the railing, and begin to descend, hoping my nerves will calm when I'm next to him. But then he notices me. My stomach fill with frantic butterflies, damn it. The bastard makes my head swim as he jolts away from the wall, standing up straight as his eyes widen. Did he just gape? His mouth closes as quickly as it popped open, and he straightens himself despite not needing to. I give a nervous smile, and take his hand as he outstretches his to me. His hold is tight, like he fears someone might try, and steal me. I step onto the marble, and bob my head. He just stares; eyes raking over me before he taps my chin, and places a tender kiss on my lips. My knees shake.

Oh come on!

I know I'm in the dress but let's keep it in check shall we?

I step back a little, and take a deep breath.

"Not a total embarrassment then?"

"You make me feel like I'm under dressed." He mutters, looking me up and down all over again. "Let's go. Everyone's waiting. You look… beautiful doesn't quite cover it, brat." He whispers in my ear as he leads me through the watchful gazes of the staff to a long dinner table.

Everyone is milling around, the bell hasn't been rung yet, and so we head over to our group. I'm holding his hand tightly, as though about to wield him like a blade. Erwin gives a small wave, and goes a little wide eyed at me. Maybe he hadn't realised I was a woman before now? We're all in our finery, and it's just damned odd. It's plain surreal. One day we're running around in the mud, slicing through the steaming mess of Titans, and the next we're standing in ball gowns, and dress suits. Making small talk with the idiots we were having to protect.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, and turn to gawk at Eren who looks like a grown up all of a sudden. His mess of brown hair is smoothed back, and he wears a dark suit with crisp white shirt. He looks handsome. I suddenly feel very proud. I smile broadly, and let him kiss my hand, Levi lets go of my other hand, to wind his arm round my waist. Really? I withhold my eye-roll.

A group of 'ladies' keep glancing over at Eren, and whispering very loudly. He looks normal, he doesn't look dangerous, but why was here amongst us normal people? I put my hand on top of Levi's simply to anchor myself. I glance at Eren, and am thankful that he's deep in conversation with Mikasa; but I can see him twitch with each unkind word. Damn them.

The dinner bell rings and we all sit down. I sit between Erwin and Levi, and across from a very sour looking woman. Her husband is staring at me. Correction – he's staring at my tits. I place a hand over his view, his eyes meet mine, and I raise a brow without further comment. He's suddenly fascinated by his cutlery.

I pick at my food, and try hard to listen to the conversation. However I won't say anything until I'm specifically asked anything. Otherwise I'd just put my foot in it. I knew I would. It was all I ever did. I pick up my wine and take a long, slow sip. Levi places a hand on my lap, and I look to him with a frown. He returns it, only slightly, his mask is pretty fixed into place tonight.

"Keeping it together, brat?"

"Yeah… just not very hungry."

"Try, and eat something." He squeezes my leg, letting his hand drift northward slightly before letting go entirely. I wish we could just run upstairs and hide under the sheets together till all this was over. I liked the idea of ripping that silk off him. But that wasn't an option. Not until much later at least. The silk would keep.

Eventually we get past the meal, I've done my best but probably only managed a handful of proper mouthfuls. My stomach refuses to stop churning.

We get up, and the pointless mingling begins.

I walk around with Levi, his arm round my waist protectively as we make small talk. I knew this part of the evening would be tedious. I'd always known it, and yet it was still annoying me. None of these people were honest, or even thinking of being sincere. It was all bullshit. Erwin is making the rounds, trying his best to drum up investors. It was just a little sad. The poor man was doing his best, but their expressions were hardly inviting. I turn to say this to Levi but he's frowning over my shoulder.

I turn, and feel myself tense a little.

It couldn't be?

"Who is that, Robyn? That woman's been staring at you for the past ten minutes. Do you know her?"

"I-I don't know… I mean… it could be…" I can barely believe it, but suddenly she's making her way over. Those big blue eyes are wide with her strange determination. Her long brown hair is tied up but beginning to come undone at the back. Her beauty is only exemplified. How can she have gotten more beautiful? It just wasn't fair. I frown, unable to fully confirm my suspicions until she tugs me over into a bear hug, crushing me to her with loud laughter pouring out of her.

"My God it is you isn't it, Robyn?" and my confusion deepens, that was not how she used to talk. Please don't tell me, my brash and unflinchingly honest friend, had turned native?

"K-Keza?" I stammer, looking up at her with a frown. There she was, somewhere beneath the outrageous beauty smiling down at me. "Is it really you?"

"In the flesh."

"W-What's with the voice?"

"My dearest Robyn, do keep in mind the company we currently keep." She winks, looking behind me with a waggle of her eyebrows. Oh, it was definitely her. "And who would this delectable man be? Bit grumpy, but I sense it's because I tugged you away my dear. Here, let's return you."

I'm passed back over, and Levi firmly takes my waist again, staring straight at Keza in expectation of introductions. I make them, and his face immediately softens. Like a switch being clicked into place. He takes her hand and kisses it. Suave git.

"I've heard a lot about you. It's an honour to put a face to the name." He drawls, and I wonder where that suspicion had gone. Suddenly charm was centre stage, and I wondered if it was because it was my good friend, or because of her Goddess like looks. Then I roll my eyes at myself, of course it was because she was my friend. This dress was turning me into a bloody woman.

"Oh dear, what stories has this girl been telling?" she trills, jumping as an elderly man comes up next to her a little possessively. The look she suddenly shoots me is serious, and warning. That is a client, we are not to say a word. I nod, and cast a sideways glance at Levi. He doesn't understand, but he knows to stay quiet for the time being.

"It's wonderful to see you again." I say softly, smiling as sweetly as I can. I then glance at the old geezer, whiskers are coming out of his ears. Ew. This must be one rich bastard.

"Indeed it is my dear, this is my good friend Lorenian. He's ever so protective, but don't worry my good man, these are friends of mine."

"How do you know the Captain, Ketherina?"

Ketherina? Ketherina? I honestly don't know how I manage to withhold my laughter, but not a peep escapes me. Not even a smile. I deserve a damn trophy. A medal. A damn statue erected in my honour. Ketherina? It sounded like a damn passenger boat commissioned for the King's favourite dog.

"Well in truth darling I know Robyn here, she is an old friend, I only just met the Captain. But you know me, much happier to call someone a friend before anything else."

Excuse me? I think back to the little scruff who would throw an insult before a 'good morning'. Or even a stone, before that. Clearly her acting skills had vastly improved.

"Indeed. Well, see that you don't spend too long over here. I am heading to play cards in the other room. Find me when you're done."

"Of course my dear. Shall do, have fun with your cards." She giggles, and waves him off. He leaves, and she looks after him, smiling all the while, talking to us out the side of her mouth. "I'm thinking he'll die the next time we do it, that way I can rob him blind and get paid. Fucker is damned heavy. Just hope he doesn't croak, when he's literally on top of me, or I'll be going with him."

"There's my Keza… or is it Ketherina here?"

"It sounds ever so much nicer don't you think my dear?"

My skin crawls at this fake voice. I give a nod and she narrows her eyes, casting them round quickly before leaning in and raising a brow.

"You're up to something, Robyn. What is it? And can I help?"

"How the heck did you get that?"

"What else would induce you, into a dress? It gives you a cracking wrack by the way, but still, it would take some doing. And I dunno that the Captain here, has that much pull over you…" she pauses, and looks him all over slowly. "Unless the height is deceiving… perhaps other areas got the growth gene—"

"Keza…" I groan and giggle at the same time. My nervousness now has a heavy dose of joy layered onto it, and the combination is becoming quite intoxicating. Levi went a little tense at Keza's crude words, but I don't think he can be that surprised. After all I'd told him, it was nothing he hadn't been expecting.

"Come on love, we can have our proper reunion, when less surrounded by mules, and their ogling husbands. What's the mark?"

"We're here for info, but no Keza, I don't want you involved."

"Scared I'll upstage you?"

"Pfft, not a chance. I just…" I look around, at all the luxury and wonder. Everything she'd always wanted. I smile and nudge her gently. "You seem to be doing so well."

"Oh but darling I'm so bored." She groans, pouting a little. I glance at Levi and he shrugs, he hasn't a clue what to do right now. "Come on, surely I can help. I see your man here, and the rather lovely blonde man you were sat with earlier, aren't being taken into the card game. Perhaps I can help? Might help the info collection?"

"Keza?"

"Yes darling?"

"I have missed you an awful lot." I breathe, and she winks, before waltzing off, beckoning Levi and Erwin as she goes. Levi kisses my cheek before leaving, guessing this would be a one-time chance, if it happened at all. The doorman doesn't stand a chance as she thrusts her cleavage out, and pouts in that way I know she will. Men melt at that pout. Like ice in a roaring hearth.

They filed away into the room, and I quickly look for Eren, or Mikasa. Someone I know. Please? I can see the leering faces of the old men not partaking in the card game, and I need to find someone, before I make a scene by ripping out their fake teeth and clamping them down on the nether region. I spot Eren, and head over as quickly as I can in this damned dress. Running was impossible in silk.

"How is it going over here?" I ask, turning my back to the latest whiskered pervert. Trying to ignore the sensation of his yellowed eyes raking over my ass. Just focus on your conversation, no, your heel wouldn't fit nicely into his eye socket. Focus!

"Fine. A few too many weird questions but… fine." Says Eren with a blush, and slight shrug. I look to Mikasa, and she's just staring at her glass of wine. I'm fairly sure it's the one she was handed at the door at the beginning of the evening.

"What kind of… y'know what? I don't want to know."

"Where did the Commander and Captain just go to?"

"Card game with the other elite gents, hoping it'll lead to other areas."

"Shouldn't you, and Jean be leaving then?" Eren whispers, glancing around. I shrug, a card game could go on for hours, unless it was all a cover of course. I then notice Eren yawn, and Mikasa hold onto his arm. I frown at them and touch Eren's cheek, there's a slight blush still there.

"What's wrong Eren? You seem very worn out."

"I'm just tired. Like I said, a lot of questions." He waves his hand, but Mikasa looks at me gravely. Her own face is worn, and I'm sure I see bruising under her eyes. I was worried sick about my plan failing; but I bet I could barely imagine the fret occurring in the manic mind of Mikasa. She worried if Eren got a paper-cut.

"He hasn't had a moment of peace since we got here, it's like he's a circus freak to them or something. No one asked about Trost, or mentioned his achievements, they all just grilled him on nonesense. I think we should head back to the rooms." She suddenly yawns as well, clearly worn out from worrying too much. I then see Jean yawn, I'd need to get him a damned coffee clearly.

"I'll head up with you, get out of this garb and get ready for the next stage. Come on, you need to rest up Eren. Not that you're needed in the next bit of the plan, but I want to know you're sharp in case anything goes wrong." I help Mikasa lead him towards the staircase, but she's looking my way with a frown. "What's up Mikasa? You don't look happy."

"What could go wrong?"

"It's my plan, almost everything." I sigh, and we begin on the stairs.

A small group of men is heading back down, presumably heading for the card game, I shift over to the side, as much as I can without dropping Eren. They'd both slowed up so much though that I need to dart behind them to let the group past. I didn't know what was going up but Eren, Mikasa, and Jean were all practically asleep on their feet. It had been a taxing night, but we'd done far more vigorous things out in the field. I wait till the last man has passed, and make to catch up with the sleepy trio, but my wrist is grabbed and I turn to a sneer that makes my stomach churn.

"Such a lovely lady, won't you join us in the card room for some drinks?"

"I'm good thanks, let go please."

"Now, now, don't be like that."

"I can be a lot worse, unhand me." I hiss, patience officially worn through. But he begins to pull harder; the lobby is deserted, and I feel a tingle of tiredness flicker in the back of my own mind. This was wrong. I look up at Mikasa, who looks terrified all of a sudden. She can tell something's up, as well.

"Mikasa, get those two out of here!" I snap, and she nods, wrenching the two sleepy men up the stairs as fast as she can. She'd get them somewhere safe. But then again, I still don't understand why we're all sleepy. I turn, ready to block any of this group that try to go after them; they had to be after Eren. But none of them even move. They just continue to sneer. I tug my hand, but the brute hauls me down to his step, and pushes me the rest of the way down. Marble is not soft. That is for damned certain. I land in a heap on the lobby floor, lip bleeding, bones aching, and temper flaring. I get up, ready to fight them as best I can, but groan as someone jabs me with something. I turn but they're gone, a flash of white being the only thing I see, was it a cape? Or a dress? I stumble a little, but hold myself up by the wall.

The door to the card room is suddenly flung open, Erwin and Levi come storming out with Keza right behind. She grabs onto Erwin, and helps him stand, she's saying something, blagging some bullshit as she moves him away down a corridor. Towards an exit with any luck. This was a trap, and it was turning ugly. She shoots me a desperate look, but I can't read her signal, I can barely see her any more. The dark smudge that I assume to be Levi comes towards me, and holds onto my arm tightly.

"Robyn we need to get out… our food was… nngh… shit…" he falls to his knees, panting heavily as he tries to fight whatever they had dosed us with. I guess they had to inject me with something, as I didn't eat much. I cling to him and try to get him up, but he's growing weaker by the second. Erwin and Keza are nowhere to be seen, long gone hopefully. I grit my teeth, let go of Levi, and stand in front of him protectively. The room swirls.

"Robyn run… please… please…" he mumbles, his hand having gripped my leg, to only slip down to the floor. But my legs are giving in, and my knees crack off the cold floor as a group approaches us. What the hell was this? I scramble back from them, hearing weird laughter echo all around the stone walls as I get to Levi's side. I can see barely a thing; just shapes and colour. I just turn and cling to Levi's coat; what was happening? At this close proximity, I can make out his panicked face. He stares at me, seemingly unable to move otherwise. I feel tears spill from my eyes as my arms falter, and I lose my grip, falling to lie completely flat next to him.

"Levi… I'm sor…"

My world turns black and I feel nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am such a dick for cliffhangers... sorry! So yeah, after all that worrying, her plan never even happened anyway! Typical!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, see you next time! Leave a fav, follow or review, all are appreciated and loved by me!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	21. Explanations and Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Expanations into why I won't be uploading on here anymore.

To all those that have read/bookmarked on here I thank you for your interest, however I would refer you to where I am uploading these fics from now on. On Fanfiction.net you will find all my stories, two of which are a lot further on within that site, than they are here. 

I have found myself continuously forgetting to upload onto this site A) Because Fanfiction was where I started and is where I get highest traffic. B) I understand their system a lot better. C) The Community is a lot more vocal and forthgiving with reviews and feedback. 

I like to have a dialogue with my readers, and thus far have only had a handful of reviews on here, if that. And whilst I am glad to have recieved those, thank you again to anyone that did take the time, the sheer amount of silent readers on here just does not make it rewarding for me as a writer, in terms of learning as well as motivation. Thanks for looking into these works, if you want to see them continued (both Chained Wings and Red Burnings Wings are VASTLY further along in their narratives by now) then please look me up on Fanfiction, I am under the same nametag and the stories are the same titles as well. I hope to see you there, and am sorry if I don't.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested - which you may not be! - I have recently started a DeviantArt account and am planning on doing sketches of various parts of this fanfic. Feel free to check it out! I don't plan on putting up spoilers, but it will be for the whole fic so you've been warned, some images will be from later chapters.
> 
> Deviant Art id: Frantastic1993 (i tried pasting the URL but it kept going weird)


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